I am always a disappointment

[bigbangers]

Recently I have found out that I have been inadvertently upsetting someone for years through not doing something they expect me to do, but that I didn't realise was necessary. It seems more and more like this is a theme of my life. I feel like I am always really, really trying to do my best to be a good friend, mum, wife, relative, but I am always accidentally letting people down. A while ago my DH took a couple of off-the-cuff remarks I made as hints about what I was getting him for Christmas, and when I didn't buy that item he was really disappointed; he tried to hide it but I found out eventually. In retrospect it would have been a great present but it never even entered my head to buy it for him. How could I have been so daft as to build his hopes up like that? And I know I have disappointed people before when they were expecting things from me that I didn't even realise I was supposed to do - not calling people at the right time (too caught up with baby), not saying thank you for a present (I had said a sincere thank you when it was handed over but apparently that was not enough and the giver felt unappreciated), not talking to people often enough at work (I chat to people all the time but some more than others, and people feel left out, it seems)...there is always, always something I have done wrong. I am starting to feel like an utter failure at adulthood. I invite someone round to see the baby, feel pleased that I have bought treats and had a nice chat, and find out that someone else is deeply offended that I didn't ask them. I make a lovely dinner but forget about pudding and see a table of expectant guests. I write out cards and put them in my bag but don't post them and people think I've forgotten occasions. I spend ages choosing an outfit for a party and I get there and am dressed completely wrongly and it looks like I've just got no idea.

I am organised, I DO put thought into things, I honestly do, I spend ages and ages thinking about what would make things nice for people and how I can make people happy, and then someone else does something that would never ever have occurred to me that is much nicer and more thoughtful. I feel like there's a rule book somewhere I am missing. I get so anxious and obsess about things that are coming up to make sure they're perfect and they still go wrong. How can I deal with the awful knowledge that people are upset with me (and it's not just my perception - I know they are).

Gosh, love, I think you are being waaay too hard on yourself and perhaps overreacting to people's comments or misconstruing their responses?

We all fuck up in little ways all the time, honestly - I think you are wrong in thinking you are always upsetting people.

Have you voiced all this to someone in RL? It would be very useful for you to get someone you really respect and trust's opinion on this.

The only other thing I can think is that you are well intentioned but your manner is 'off' and you appear to be offhand or rude. So again, is there someone in RL who can give you an honest but kind and fair answer to this?

What you say about my manner is definitely a possibility - it has been mentioned to me before, years ago, but since then I have made a real effort to be friendly, make small talk, smile etc. I do find I can get on quite well with people in superficial situations (playgroups, shop queues, etc) and I have been trying hard recently to be more socialble, intitiating things wth friends and so on.

And I don't think I am wrong that people are upset because I have had it in their own words from them

Maybe you're trying too hard to please people.

You're allowed to invite who the hell you like over, you don't have an obligation to ask every fucker over. If you forget someone who you'd actually like to see, you can always ask them over another time. You don't want a big old crowd over to see the baby, anyway. A few at a time.

Just go 'whoops! - the card was in my bag!' or 'oops! I forgot pudding - but you're all sweet enough, ain't you?'. Don't beat yourself up and don't let others beat you up for minor stuff like this. It doesn't matter, and if they're going to get the arse about it, they're not very nice.

It seems you're expected to read minds! How on earth are you supposed to know what all these people expect of you? It's up to them to tell you?unless of course they are actually just looking for things to berate you for and ways to take advantage of you.
You sound absolutely lovely and you're probably too nice for your own good!

I do sometimes think "well, I'm not psychic!" but I suppose there are probably hints or things I am not picking up on, that's why they get upset. Then I feel bad - but it's not fair for me to feel bad when I've let someone else down.

Just one thing to say really:

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY

I bet that you are a really good firend and really good listener. You probably pick up on all kind of cues that other people would miss, you are probably very sensitive to other people's feelings. Maybe too much.

You are imagining all kinds of hurt (when probably people are feeling none), you are over-interpreting their facial expressions and gestures - and always in a negative way. There are many positive ways in which you could interpret those same reactions and responses.

Your dh mistakenly thought you were going to buy him something for Christmas. It's not your fault that you didn't realise he thought you were hinting. Not your fault. It would be upsetting if you'd gone "rah rah, I'm buying you an xbox" (for example), wrapped up an empty xbox box and then given it to him. but that's not what happened. He got the wrong end of the stick. Not your fault.

You invited someone over. Someone else thought they should have been included. But you didn't owe that person an invitation. Not your fault.

Dropping hints and then sulking because they weren't picked up on is a very immature and passive-aggressive way of going about things. Tell them you don't do hints, so if they want something they need to say so.
There's no reason for you to feel bad. You're very thoughtful and eager to please and obviously if you knew what people wanted you'd be happy to give it to them.

Yes, if I knew for sure what someone wanted I would really try to make it happen but sometimes things I could easily have done never come into my head. For example, a friend and I had our DCs at the same time. I got her DC a little outfit I thought was nice. She presented me with a huge, thoughtful gift basket full of great stuff. I felt so embarassed by my gift. It looked like I hadn't put any thought into it at all.

But you had put thought into it.

It seems to me you're in some quite negative thought patterns here, where everything you do isn't good enough, or you think you should think of everything - and then you beat yourself up over it.

Well, no. Everybody misjudges their clothes or the level of gift to give, or forgets to include someone, or misses a card to someone. I've forgotten to send Xmas cards in time for two years running . It's ok to get things wrong.

Maybe you should consider CBT or something to address this cycle of self-flagellation.

Well, a huge basket of stuff can be seen as over the top...

It sounds like you don't have a lot of confidence, which is an awful place to be.

Have you noticed a pattern with the people who disapprove of what you do / how you do it? Is it mostly family, or your DH, or a particular group of friends?

Perhaps it's not you! Especially with the present for your DH - I've been in his position (and blamed my then-DH for not getting my hints), but at the end of the day, if it's so important to him he could have said something. And anyway, it's more polite to appreciate the gift you are given and not have a big strop.

When it comes to getting dressed up to an appropriate level - that's all relative anyway. I reckon you would have felt like you did it wrong in whichever clothes you might have picked.

Start learning to trust yourself more than other people. No one can be as awful as you seem to think you are and still get on well with people at playgroups or receive big gift baskets!! So I think it's all about your perception and/or other people's bad manners and guilt trips.

The thing is, I am generally quite confident and think I am doing well at things and then I find out, it seems to me, entirely out of the blue, that I have managed to leave someone I care about feeling deeply hurt and upset and I didn't have a clue. And then I just start questioning everything and I can suddenly see all these examples of times when I have done things wrongly. Then my confidence seems misplaced. We have all met people who were bumbling along making fools of themselves when they thought they were going great guns. I think that's me.

bigbangers , just be yourself.
Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Something's not right here though OP. It's not possible that you would be upsetting so many people! I wonder if you've got caught in the people pleaser trap (maybe google that to see if it fits?). I'm also wondering if you have had a critical influence somewhere (childhood?), someone who lashed out, told you you were selfish/thoughtless/tactless? I appreciate that my suggestion may sound too obvious and clunky but you'd be surprised how these attacks get embedded in our psyche and play out endlessly without us even noticing ie subconsciously. Just a thought re you seem to be operating from a script that isn't accurate, give a huge amount of thought to things but still think you're crap, a bumbling fool, getting it all wrong. That's not hanging right to me...

Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter

wow - I'm going to put that up on my wall! cross-stitch sampler?

Springy, the original and correct quotation in full :

?Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.? -- Dr. Seuss

Sweet, isn't it?

'You can't please all of the people all of the time'

It sounds like you have major attack of confidence.
I would much rather baby clothes than a basket of useful pieces of toiletries.
Lots of people are grateful there's no pudding, especially if they're watching their weight and feel like they have to eat it.
And having a baby in the house zaps your mind and memory -EVERYONE knows that. Maybe you need to remind them!

It seems to me that if all these people really are so upset with all these minor, non-offences and if they are placing such expectations on you, they're the ones with a problem. I'm actually quite astonished to hear a friend felt it necessary to tell you they are deeply offended they didn't get an invitation when another friend visited. I would be horrified to hear a friend say that - it speaks volumes about them and their ego. Deeply offended? A little twinge of "oh" maybe but deeply offended??

Please think about the perspective on this - how ungrateful would you have to be to notice someone didn't provide a pudding when they'd hosted a dinner party?! How utterly wrapped up in yourself and your own ego do you need to be to need several thank you's for a present? Why wasn't the genuine, authentic, immediate thank you you offered up at the moment of receiving the present enough?

Good, kind, caring, decent friends and family don't give gifts to receive the same back, they don't create rules and targets of "correct" responses, they don't place the burden of expectation on their loved ones - ridiculous, ungrateful and actually quite materialistic expectations.

The only instance in your post that kind of seems normal is your DH's disappointment in not getting the present he wanted. But you know, I'm disappointed when my husband can't read my mind and get me those diamond earrings I've always wanted! But seriously though - disappointment over presents between a couple is no big deal, and I think maybe too much criticism and unrealistic burden has been deposited in the bank that is your confidence, so it seems that his disappointment is much bigger than it actually is - he's probably completely over it and didn't really give it much thought after the initial disappointment.

Who is it who is telling you about all your apparent shortcomings? Is it just one person who is informing you of all this? Perhaps someone is jealous of how lovely you are but is aware how hard you are on yourself?

I think you sound lovely and if you really are surrounded by such a bunch of ingrates then maybe you need some new friends.

Bigbangers The only thing you're guilty of is being too hard on yourself and over-thinking things. I do that too.
I've learned that the majority of people only think about themselves and their family. I fret and worry after an event I've hosted whether it was good enough, did people enjoy themselves enough, what did a certain comment or phrase mean? Then I think "bollocks!" I spent time, money and effort on hosting an evening for friends, that's enough!
I will go out of my way to make sure other people are ok - it's rarely reciprocated. Adopt a more selfish attitude, be the best person you can be and bugger the people who criticise!

I think you are surrounded by passive-aggressive whinyarses, myself. You sound very nice, and all those muppets taking constant offence around you sound like they need a collective kick up the twinkle.

Actually though there is a lot of support on here, I don't think it's helpful for posters to blame everyone else in your life.

No-one is surrounded soley by rude or demanding 'whineyarses'!

There are people - possibly you Big Bangers (God your name keeps making me laugh!) - who have every good intention but just come across badly.

I know I have a propensity to come across as stand offish or snotty (on here and in RL!) but it's something I've corrected in certain situations. I've made more of an effort to relax my tone and make it more clear when I am joking etc.

Saying that I don't think I have ever pissed anyone off or hurt them (certainly that has never been communicated to me by my very many brutally frank friends!) it was more that people were a bit scared of me!!

However the examples you've given are mystifying - no friends of mine would think a baby outfit an inappropriate or inadequate present?

Are you sure this was her reaction?

Again, I'd urge you to ask someone you know and trust to be totally honest with you about all of this.

You seem really very nice by the way!