I am always a disappointment

[bigbangers]

Recently I have found out that I have been inadvertently upsetting someone for years through not doing something they expect me to do, but that I didn't realise was necessary. It seems more and more like this is a theme of my life. I feel like I am always really, really trying to do my best to be a good friend, mum, wife, relative, but I am always accidentally letting people down. A while ago my DH took a couple of off-the-cuff remarks I made as hints about what I was getting him for Christmas, and when I didn't buy that item he was really disappointed; he tried to hide it but I found out eventually. In retrospect it would have been a great present but it never even entered my head to buy it for him. How could I have been so daft as to build his hopes up like that? And I know I have disappointed people before when they were expecting things from me that I didn't even realise I was supposed to do - not calling people at the right time (too caught up with baby), not saying thank you for a present (I had said a sincere thank you when it was handed over but apparently that was not enough and the giver felt unappreciated), not talking to people often enough at work (I chat to people all the time but some more than others, and people feel left out, it seems)...there is always, always something I have done wrong. I am starting to feel like an utter failure at adulthood. I invite someone round to see the baby, feel pleased that I have bought treats and had a nice chat, and find out that someone else is deeply offended that I didn't ask them. I make a lovely dinner but forget about pudding and see a table of expectant guests. I write out cards and put them in my bag but don't post them and people think I've forgotten occasions. I spend ages choosing an outfit for a party and I get there and am dressed completely wrongly and it looks like I've just got no idea.

I am organised, I DO put thought into things, I honestly do, I spend ages and ages thinking about what would make things nice for people and how I can make people happy, and then someone else does something that would never ever have occurred to me that is much nicer and more thoughtful. I feel like there's a rule book somewhere I am missing. I get so anxious and obsess about things that are coming up to make sure they're perfect and they still go wrong. How can I deal with the awful knowledge that people are upset with me (and it's not just my perception - I know they are).

Hmm. I wonder if you are just a bit too nice, and that people therefore want/expect a lot from you, and feel hurt if they don't get it.

Obviously, you could improve your organisation (I'm sure we've all done the 'write card but forget to send' thing, but it WILL make you look like you don't care) but aside from that maybe you need to project an aura of how busy, interesting and amazing you are, so people feel grateful for anything from you, rather than criticising when they don't get enough?

OP I was reading something today about guilt - which is a symptom of depression (though depression is a bit of a broad term tbh). It was saying that guilt can manifest in thinking you're always doing something wrong, that you can't get anything right and you think you're hurting people. Sound familiar?

OP, you are overthinking things terribly

You don't sound like a rubbish person

You do sound very anxious and possibly depressed though

For things like the baby gift, I didn't think she was offended, but I felt like I'd misjudged the level/appropriateness of my gift and worried that she might have felt put out at the mismatch. My friend is a lovely person and would never ever show that she felt like that though so I have no way of knowing if she did!

Springydaffs - that is how I feel but it has been triggered by knowing, not just feeling that I have hurt people.

And proudnscary, I'm a big girl but Gok has taught me to be proud of my bangers!

You go, girl!

alright then mrs big bangers, if it's not you (guilt/people-pleasing/depression) then it could be somebody/s else. My sister where do I start? impossible to please. Doesn't matter what i get her, it's wrong somehow - I don't know her enough, nobody knows her enough, nobody quite knows what she likes. I've bought things, made things, embroidered things ffs - all bending over backwards to hit the spot. It never does. Have you got someone like that in your life who has chipped away at your confidence so that you're starting to get unconfident generally? Or do you choose people who are like this, people who are impossible to please?

One thing that affected me was a thread I posted on, where a poster was complaining her DD doesn't buy her birthday presents, and I could totally see that being me (the DD). Not to my mum, as we always have a get-together on her birthday and I bring something with me, but I live along way from my dsis and only ever send her a card. I honestly have always thought this was ok between adults but clearly I was wrong. Now I am picturing her thinking I am selfish, thoughtless and immature like posters are saying on that thread. It makes me hate myself that I could get something so wrong.

bigbangers - Noone has mentioned this, and I hesitate to because I am in no way qualified to say this, but have you considered that you may be on the autistic spectrum? Social awkwardness and poor communication can be a sign of someone with very mild autism or aspergers, because they can't read the social cues like other people do.

I have considered it! But you would be surprised by my job, I have to deal with all sorts of people and communicate clearly...so I can do it sometimes I suppose?

Is your main method of communicating in your job verbal? (eg, do you have to explain a situation, or describe an item etc). Your VERBAL skills could be really good. It could be the non-verbal element that is letting you down. It's all those unwritten cues that could be eluding you.