Can married men have close female friends?

[Yogagirl17]

DH & I have been having this hypothetical discussion for ages - why can't married men & women have close friends of the opposite sex? I used to have lots of close male friends when I was younger. These days its harder as most of the men I know are my friend's husbands. In theory DH and I agreed the taboo against such things was silly. Except now it's suddenly not so hypothetical and I'm having a really hard time with it.

DH went on this week long intensive training course and it's had a huge personal impact on him - all in really good ways. We're talking more than we have for years, he's being really open with me, he's listening, he's being more sensitive. He's also less stressed, managing his work better etc. It's win-win.

Except he really connected with this other woman on the course and because they both did it together they have this shared experience and find themselves talking/texting a lot etc and I'm totally struggling with this. He's been totally open and transparent with me about this, made it perfectly clear he doesn't "fancy" her (although he did say she is attractive) and nothing romantic would ever happen. But there is clearly something about this friendship that is different/special. He went to lunch yesterday with another woman from this training and that felt totally non-threatening.

Things I do know:
a) I totally trust him - I do not for one second thing he is going to end up in bed with this woman
b) I understand why this new friendship is important to him
c) He is trying to be sensitive to my feelings - for example, he asked how i would feel if he met her for coffee to discuss some stuff. I said it felt a bit weird for me but that I trusted him and if he wanted to he should. He chose not to.

So why is this so hard for me? Am I being silly? In so many ways our relationship is better than it has ever been so why am i feeling so threatened?

Oops, sorry for using that bad word.

Barreal that post is sad. Shows you can have all the money in the world but it can't buy you happiness.

Flirting is human nature, just mild flirting is 100% natural. It's where you draw the line.

You seem so full of hate and anger towards other women, so panicked your whole life may fall apart. That's really a sad way to live.

Sorry (don't flame please, it is well over) it's how my affair started with a MM.

I have a low opinion of modern woman, that is for sure. And for good reason, and not because my guy is tempted, but because they think they have the right to tempt, these women who can never find somebody for themselves, they just trawl around for other's success stories, they are everywhere, and whilst not full of hate, I am full of derision for such types, because they cause many problems for those in relationships where the men are not as loyal as my guy is, and that is sad, not my speaking out against such damaging actions.

By the way, my misery is your happiness, so imagine how happy I am even when at the default setting.
;)

My life cannot fall apart. The only thing that can derail my life is death.
Or the end of the world.
This 'mild flirting' is natural thing. Not for me, even though I have guys try to flirt with me all the time - guys, typical, even in front of my guy - but I soon knock it on the head because I need no ego boost, which is what flirting is about, when all said and done, and that's sadder than me having strong views on this, having seen friend's marriages wrecked because of what other's deemed to be harmless flirting at the start.

I agree with those that believe it is new, recent friendships that are more difficult to trust/accept.

It is also one thing to totally trust someone, but another to ignore worrying signs because you think you are being paranoid.

If a new friendship is causing upset to a partner, then that upset should be given a higher priority than the feelings of a new friend.

It is dreadful to live life worrying about what might happen - much better to bring any concerns out in the open and address them, imo.

my dh and i both have very close friends of the opposite sex. particularly i have two male friends from uni and he has one female ex flatmate. we both spend time alone with our friends, but in the natural course of friendships we have both met each others friends and their partners... i don't think that any of us (including friends partners) would ever consider being insecure.

i would be happy with my dh making a new female friend but i would hope to meet her (and a partner if she had one) within a few weeks (i'd invite her round) because if somebody bonds with my dh that well then it's likely that i'll have lots in common with her too.

You actually sound unhinged.

I'm in a monogamous marriage fwiw, with a good looking, young, successful man. I don't spend my life letting the thought of "sluts" trying to tempt him away anger me. You'll also see I'm not one of those "sluts" after your type of man.

The hate you seem to have for modern women actually seems deranged, B.

Don't get me wrong, op needs to be careful. But it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex. Mild flirting is just nature.

I had to comment, as your posts B actually read really badly. Its just weird.

I have close male friends from work that I meet up with for coffee/lunch. I'm not sleeping with them!

My dh is one of those blokes that has always had female friends. He likes women, enjoys their company and just migrates towards them.

His worst nightmare is a night in the pub with the lads, talking about football. Many of our male friends tend to be a bit limited on the conversation front; it's sport or nothing.

So, I wouldn't have a problem with the OP's scenario.

However, my friend who is a marriage guidance counsellor would have the opposite view. She would say, beware and in fact would not let her dh meet this woman for coffee!

Barreal has a point, although I 'm not sure if it's a 'modern woman' thing or not but some people , male and female see no reason not to go for someone they fancy, whether that person is in a relationship or not. Everyone is fair game! It's a selfish trait and a lack of respect. I speak from experience (reformed now,I assure you all).

I had a very bad experience with someone who had done an NLP course. That alone rings loud alarm bells for me, never mind the female friend. I find it really disturbing

Of course men and women can have friends of the opposite sex but I agree with barreal in as much as if you're in a happy relationship with someone you love to death why on earth would you feel the need to flirt with anyone but then? Surely you risk giving people the wrong impression? And no one can deny there are predatory women (and men) out there who see someone in a serious relationship/marriage as a challenge and will pull out all the stops to try and derail that relationship.

My best friend is my DHs best friend who's also married. We do loads together without our partners and they are fine with it. This even includes overnight trips, days out, nights out at the pub and nights out to gigs/concerts. I ave very little female friends so for me this works out perfectly!

People do flirt. They don't even realise they are doing it. It's so natural and in your subconscious.

I think people are confusing subtle natural flirting. With all out predatory, I'm giving you fuck me signals now and I will take you regardless of the wife at home. That isn't flirting.

I also think its really unhealthy to think everyone male or female could be a predator.

Personally I think the person you marrry should be your 'best' friend and if they're not, (- i.e. you have a best friend of the opposite sex who you tell yourself you couldn't have a relationship with because you are not attracted physically to them - ) then you are already laying the groundwork for potential problems as you have made the mistake of emphasising the least important thing - physical attraction over compatibilty and emotional connections with your choice of marriage partner.

I think people should be careful not to allow anyone else to feel more important than the partner they're with, whether that's through flirting with them, giving them an emotional ear too often, taking them out to cosy one on one dates that exclude their partner, helping them out too often etc.

I personally believe it is rubbish that there is just 'one person' out there for us in life, we can cross paths with many people with whom we would be highly compatible as life partners. But if you choose one, best not to leave yourself vulnerable to the others.

I would tell your DH how you feel and if he really cares about you he'll tone down the texting etc.

Just MO

I never said every man or woman is predatory, I said there are predatory people out there and they do see a married man/woman as a challenge. We see enough threads on here where spouses thought they had a good relationship and suddenly their oh is picking fault in everything they do, questioning the relationship and it usually winds up they've met someone else. The pursuer has provived an ego boost, then seen a chink in the arnour of the marriage and gradually wormed their way in. Any man or woman who pursues someone in a committed relationship has absolutely no morals imo. And whether you like it or not there are people out there like that. Not saying this woman op's worried about is like that, but something obviously doesn't feel right to her.
Me and my dp have friends both male and female but he is my best friend and I am his. Op doesn't feel happy with this new friendship and yet she has no problem with his other female friends so she's obviously not insecure. Her gut is telling her something. Maybe meeting this woman would settle her feelings, maybe not. Only op can decide.

I actually think op does have a reason to be concerned. Like I've already said. I was addressing points wrt to flirting and predatory comments. As I thought Bs posts were ludicrous.

It's not good to be so bitter in life about what may happen.

I would absolutely be worried OP.

i DO think men and women can be friends and in fact, in an old job I had quite a few male mates. However, we would always go out in a group situation. There is no way that I would have met them on a one to one basis. I wouldnt have wanted to for one. Also, i think this is the way that boundaries get crossed very easily.

My partner is of the opinion that most men have an agenda and that if they claim to be friends with a woman they secretly fancy them1 I do kind of agree in some cases. This is why I just do not think its 'right' to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex on your own. I would not be comfortable with it at all.