Can married men have close female friends?

[Yogagirl17]

DH & I have been having this hypothetical discussion for ages - why can't married men & women have close friends of the opposite sex? I used to have lots of close male friends when I was younger. These days its harder as most of the men I know are my friend's husbands. In theory DH and I agreed the taboo against such things was silly. Except now it's suddenly not so hypothetical and I'm having a really hard time with it.

DH went on this week long intensive training course and it's had a huge personal impact on him - all in really good ways. We're talking more than we have for years, he's being really open with me, he's listening, he's being more sensitive. He's also less stressed, managing his work better etc. It's win-win.

Except he really connected with this other woman on the course and because they both did it together they have this shared experience and find themselves talking/texting a lot etc and I'm totally struggling with this. He's been totally open and transparent with me about this, made it perfectly clear he doesn't "fancy" her (although he did say she is attractive) and nothing romantic would ever happen. But there is clearly something about this friendship that is different/special. He went to lunch yesterday with another woman from this training and that felt totally non-threatening.

Things I do know:
a) I totally trust him - I do not for one second thing he is going to end up in bed with this woman
b) I understand why this new friendship is important to him
c) He is trying to be sensitive to my feelings - for example, he asked how i would feel if he met her for coffee to discuss some stuff. I said it felt a bit weird for me but that I trusted him and if he wanted to he should. He chose not to.

So why is this so hard for me? Am I being silly? In so many ways our relationship is better than it has ever been so why am i feeling so threatened?

Why don't you ask your husband to tell you about his course. Sit down and let him tutor you on what happened.

Why not find a weekend course that is similar where the two of you can go on it and do it together? It will bring you together and should be fun.

To answer the question without specific reference to your situation, of course it's possible and very common for married men to have close female friends. Absolutely no doubt about it. It's also not always the case that if you have doubts about specific friendships, it means there's something to worry about. This woman touching a nerve with you means you need to figure out why, but don't assume or even suspect the worse because it's overwhelmingly likely that there's nothing to worry about.

I wouldn't like to think that friendship should ever be divided down gender lines.

Depends on the situation, as others have wisely said. For example I have many good male friends. But I'm lesbian. I also have many good female friends, and no-one minds that (Which is odd, really)

Wisest thing I ever read was, "Would you be happy if your partner was witnessing that text/that meeting/that phone call/that email". And if the answer is "oo eck, I'd be a bit wary and would be behaving differently with this person if they were watching", then there's a problem. So that's what your dh has to work out: is he behaving in any way differently when they are alone to how he would behave if you were there?

It does sounds a bit odd to me, too.

Key sentence in your post

"I totally trust him"

On that basis you should worry no more. He has been open and honest with you. What more can you ask for?

If he wanted to have an affair he will have one whether you like this situation or not. He would just stop telling you about things. Men who fancy someone and would be open to getting to know them better will often not even mention it to their DW. There are exceptions of course but if I were you,
I would just let it be.

I think maleview, that it is possible to trust someone one day, and then for the situation to change, for whatever reason, so that that trust becomes a little shaky. It may be temporary or permanent. It may be justified, or it may not. Only time will tell.

Maybe Yogagirl's situation has changed just enough for her to be questioning that trust. That is her instinct. Instinct is necessary for survival.

My husband has lots of female friends. He has more in common with most of them than with me tbh (well apart from having our child in common!).

I assume this is because he feels comfortable in female company as he has a twin sister (who he actually doesn't get on that well with as adults!). I don't really have male friends of my own, went to an all girls school, etc. so I don't really get it but know it would be unreasonable to complain about it.

Like you say, I do trust him. He never tries to hide anything from me. But I do often think 'I wonder how many other women would be happy for their husband to regularly meet other women for lunch?!'

I don't know, I think trust your instincts with this.

Yogagirl, I have a number of very close platonic male friends, both long-standing ones and more recent ones. My DH also has female friends, both old and new.

I generally agree that old friendships are not a concern, whereas new ones that flare up intensely can be. My DH loves his long-standing female friends but being a lazy bloke, will only meet occasionally for lunch or a drink. He would probably tell me at some point he was meeting them but only as part of telling each other what we've done, not because he thinks it would make me uncomfortable. Equally, I demanded recently that I have time out with an old male friend on my own as I wanted us to talk about stuff and he found that totally normal.

Intense new friendships are a bit harder to define though. I myself sometimes meet someone who just "gets me" and I want to see them a lot as I'm so pleased. However, because I am married, I generally think DH will like them too and introduce them. And if DH likes a woman a lot, he'll usually invite her over so I can meet her too.

So my advice would be to say that she sounds really nice, why not have her over to dinner? If she is going to be a good friend of your DH, she might as well get to know you too. That would be a way of approaching this that doesn't mistrust your DH without need....

NLP will have changed his life as it makes you see the world totally differently. Definitely do the course yourself and join his journey

He went to lunch yesterday with another woman from this training and that felt totally non-threatening. This is the part that makes me think you should trust your instincts and be aware of any signs this is getting out of hand.

These types of courses are intense and can be very helpful generally. However, now that he is more open and in a good place I would make sure you concentrate on your own connection and intimacy as a couple. Venus gave some good advice here

Changes in behaviour can be major signs, especially improved sex life believe it or not?

I can only speak for myself but i would have to say that personally i would have to steer clear rather than create a bond with somebody i felt that close too only because i realise that being married doesn't automatically stop you being attracted to somebody and this feeling of closeness along with the persons attractiveness may at a time when i was finding marriage difficult ( as i think is natural from time to time) might make it harder to resist the temptation of an affair IYSWIM.

I think it's good he has been honest with you but i partly think that by letting you in on whether or not he continues this friendship he is partly making you aware the potential for deeper feelings to follow thus giving you a say and removing some of the responsibility from himself.

In answer to the original question: Yes.
My take is that the openness is not a red herring, it's genuine. he's concerned enough about your feelings to ask you how you feel, so let it ride.

My DP and I both have close friends of the opposite sex, and we have both spent weekends with them without it affecting our relationship, and without the weekends being spent in bed with the friend.
(Caveat - in my case, at least.)

My only true friends are female ,all platonic, the males I know are only very shallow friendships. So it's not unreasonable for men to have good female friends. I get invited by the ladies I work around ,to their Christmas meals out & I don't feel as though I should not be there, we are just a bunch of friends.

This thread is depressing. So many women, either insecure, paranoid or don't trust their other half.

DH has loads of female friends. I always had loads of male friends. Sadly, I no longer do. I think the answer is explained by this thread.

Obviously, I should be saving up now, for when we get divorced.

No-one's saying don't have any male friends. I have 4 very good male friends and dp doesn't mind. It's the fact it's niggling her.

Why don't you have your male friends anymore NICEyNice?

I think this question totally depends on the individuals and there is no wrong or right answer that applies to all marriages. My husband is friends with a few women - a couple of exes and some work friends. I had a huge jealousy issue with this at first, but I realised that the jealousy was about my character, and not what he was doing. His personality is such that he finds having opposite sex friends easy and comfortable. I was judging him by my own personality. I have no friends of the opposite sex, because I always feel that there's a sexual undercurrent one way or the other. But that's me and not him. So I've learned to live with his friendships & I'm comfortable with them now. I still won't have any male friends because it just doesn't seem appropriate with my personality. Probably all in my head.

fortyplus had it right when she wrote:

It's perfectly possible - just so long as there's no physical attraction.

This is absolutely the crux of it. My best friend is female, I've known her for probably 10 years. We work in the same industry (both self employed so we're not 'colleagues' as such) and we have often travelled together to seminars and conferences, staying at the same hotel. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that while I love her as a friend I don't feel the slightest attraction to her. I don't understand why, she's not hideous or anything, I just don't - you can't decide these things. Equally importantly - she doesn't fancy me. We've had plenty of chances to have an affair, and it's never happened or even come close, not even when we've staggered back drunkenly to our hotel in the wee small hours.

As such the relationship is no threat to my marriage, but even so if my wife was uncomfortable with it I would have pulled back from the friendship a long time ago, as my marriage comes first. If either of us fancied the other I would have run a mile as it could potentially turn into a threat one day, and I value my marriage too much to let that happen.

Only your husband can know whether it's truly platonic on both sides, but if it is there's no harm in it - provided you are ok with it too, if it's something that concerns you then you need to share that with him and work out what to do - he should put your feelings first - as a man I view being able to have female friends as a privilege not a right.

I just feel like banging my head against something solid reading this thread!

OP Im guessing that the responses here are sending your emotions round in ever decreasing circles? From some he is up to something if he is open about it. And from others openness is OK. Hellfire this thread is enough to drive a woman insane.

Both myself and DH have friends of the opposite sex, some old friends some new. Never has this posed a significant problem. I did get the jitters once over a friend of Dh's from his work as there seemed something very different, and when I asked DH about this he honestly said that yes there was something different and he was sure that this was a friend he could trust. Time proved to me that I was wrong to have worried and that particular friend is now a great friend to both of us. As far as I know DH has never worried about my male friends and to be fair there is no need for him to either.

OP try not to worry yourself over this as you will tie yourself in knots and end up very stressed. Meeting her is a very good idea though as if she is the friend your DH feels she is then it is important that she knows both of you.

HappyHubbie your post was great apart from the bit where you said.

"as a man I view being able to have female friends as a privilege not a right."

DH has a right to be friends with who he wants, if he crosses the line on a friendship then there is the consequence of that to deal with. Male or female is actually pretty relevant to that.

I have a right to be friends who who I want, if I cross the line on a friendship then there is the consequence of that to deal with......

I hope that makes sense and doesn't come over as an attack. You seem to have views that pretty much go along with my own apart from opposite friends being a privilege.

Hi KoPo Maybe I phrased it badly, what I meant was that I think I am fortunate in having a wife who trusts me sufficiently to have a relationship like this. That trust is not something I take for granted, which is what I meant by being a privilege rather than a right. Of course it's not reasonable for one partner to say who the other can and can't be friends with, but I think when it's the opposite sex then the feelings of my partner need to be taken into account. If my wife was uncomfortable with the friendship then it would end, effectively she has the right of veto - but that's my choice, as keeping my marriage is more important than anything else.

Bloke used to have a platonic friendship with a female who had mental health issues and i never had any reason to believe there had ever been anything more than that she was a lovely girl but had these issues that would on a reg basis make her have episodes of paranoia and even went off for periods of treatment. At one point i thought she was either extremely lonely or trying her luck at bagging rob who never was interested in anything more than friendship when she started ringing us up almost on a nightly basis. Not long after that she joined zoosk on fb posted lewd photos of herself and bragged about how she couldnt get enough sex, needless to say we lost touch as both of us thought shed totally gone off the deep end. shame.

My DH's best friend is female. I did wonder at first whether it could lead to anything but then I met her. She is lovely and they have a total brother/sister relationship. Doesn't bother me in the slightest from when I met her. I would ask to meet this woman, if she's important to him then you should be able to meet her and he definitely shouldn't have a problem with it if nothing is going on. You will know when you meet her whether there is anything to worry about.

Am I the only one who finds this thread a bit depressing? As though, once you are married, you are practically expected to go around wearing a chowdar and not looking an attractive man in the eye. Never flirting with anyone again, always checking first whether what you are doing gets the approval of spouse. Checking whether spouse is okay with friends. Never seeing anyone if there is a hint of sexual chemistry or attraction?

Bugger that!

I mean, it is the equivalent of expecting a woman to wear the chowdar.

I have a huge social circle as does my partner. There are bound to be people in that circle who we are sometimes attracted to (and vice versa). No way am I going to block them out just because I occasionally feel a frisson or vice versa. And also, I don't see why one shouldnt have a close friend of the opposite sex even if there is an attraction. OBVIOUSLY if one ACTS on that attraction there may well be consequences.

I love flirting and so does my partner. Sometimes we even do it together!!

I disagree about the flirting. It is painful for the person in love. When successful couples are involved, and I consider myself and my lover to be 'successful' (folks think wow, wish we were them - hard to explain - but we are not doing the norm in life - think boats, extensive travel, zero money worries), I often have to deal with parasitic sl-ts (sorry, I feels strongly about this topic, receiving loyalty and respect from others when enjoying the company of happy couples) trying to reap the fruits of my hard work, and his hard work, and quite frankly, if the need to flirt is still there, then you should remain single, because not all people know when to stop with the flirting, and somebody eventually gets hurt.
It is not worth it. I feel one can have a far happier and healthier relationship if the love is solid, and if there's any flirting going on, then it's between you and your guy/gal.
Sorry if I sound militant about this but I think that people don't try hard enough these days to build strong relationships based on all the right reasons, and with the age of technology, plus the continued dumbing down of people via their addiction to reality shows and so on, it seems that good quality relationships are hard to come by, albeit I have one, and the flirting, NO, NO, NO, if flirting exists, it should be between the couple in love. Anything else is parasitical and pisses me off, indeed, I have told women to fck off and go and try to ruin somebody elses labor of love.