I want to leave my husband for someone else

[thebighouse]

I've been with my husband for 15 years and we have school aged children. Over the last few months I've become really close to someone at work and we are now in love with each other. He's now left his wife as he says he can't bear to be without me. We haven't had a physical relationship but we are obviously in love with each other.

My husband is a good father and a good man. However, we have had issues in our relationship with him not looking after me when I've been ill ? it makes him angry and he ends up not speaking to me. He barely spoke to me all through my pregnancies and when I was really ill after having one of the children. He is supportive at other times, but not when I need him. During one of these times he also got really drunk and sexually assaulted my best friend. He was very remorseful but I'm not sure I've really got over it. We have been to counselling where he promises to change but I just feel that I am tired of his promises and all the 'effort' that is required on his part to just be nice.

I want to leave to be with this other man. Am I being incredibly selfish? DH says I will mess up the children and it will devastate him. Everyone loves DH and I know people will hate me. I feel so incredibly guilty and I don't know what to do. He is a good man and before I met this other man, I'm sure I would have been content to stay with him. But it's brought everything into focus for me. I worry that I won?t be able to live with myself whatever I decide. Can anyone offer any advice? I'm so miserable.

Haven't read whole thread, as am at work, BUT I left my H for someone else. It was mad time, but ultimately has settled for best. IMO, you leave the marriage NOT the kids - 50/50 is how we handle it, and the kids know what's going on, and where they are, plus it means they never have to miss either of us for too long. It's not ideal, but who am I to say I am a better parent than my ex, or vice versa.

You need somewhere to go and live that is NOT with the new guy - this sounds to me like a situation that is founded on romance, not reality. Take some time on your own (with kids though - DO NOT LEAVE KIDS!) before you commit to new relationship.

And do not beat yourself up. People are allowed to change. Everyone loved me and my ex together - doesn't mean he was right for me. You have rights as a person to be happy, so try to discover what will make you happier on your own.

x

If your H is the primary carer, then shared parenting is the way to go. This will give him some free time to rebuild his life and will mean that he doesn't lose everything. It's possible that some of his anger and worry is that he fears that despite being the primary carer, he will lose the children as well as you - simply because he's a man. I hope that the children would want to spend time with both of you.

It sounds as though the OM was chucked out, rather than leaving of his own volition. That puts a different slant on things tbh. His marriage might not have been as poor as yours before this happened (despite what he says) and his wife might want to repair things, as long as he ends the relationship with you.

Be careful about idealising the OM and thinking he is kinder and more caring than your husband. To you he might be - but like you, he has an agenda to appear that way. His actions haven't been kind and caring to his wife though, have they? His wife might be saying the same about him, as you are about your H.

I wouldn't factor him into any decisions about your marriage therefore. Leave if you are sure it is over and try to be as kind and reasonable as possible while you do it, with the children's interests at the forefront in everything you do.

I think it's all too easy to see things in black and white.

Sometimes, marriages end. Sometimes, one or other partner is just not a nice person, but if you are emotionally ground down or have no self esteem or if there are children involved it's just not always that easy to walk away. And sometimes, it takes meeting someone else to see that you are not unloveable. That doesn't necessarily make having an affair the right thing to do, but it can often be the push someone needs to realize just how bad things are.

In the op and the om's defence, they kissed, felt guilty and immediately confessed to their mutual partners. They could easily have moved on to have a full blown affair, with all the lying and sneaking around that involves, and wait until they were discovered before leaving their respective partners, but they didn't. Now some might say a kiss should never have happened, and perhaps they are right. But we are all human and all capable of doing things in the heat of the moment that perhaps were unwise in retrospect.

Op - there is no rule that says you have to stay in an unhappy marriage if you don't want to. If you feel your dh is not your life partner then leave.

But do think about yourself as much as anything before jumping into a new relationship with someone else, because even if you are set on leaving, it will still be hard to do, and you do have children to consider too. If things are meant to work out with the OM they will, but even if they don't, you've seen now that you are able to be loved by someone else, and there's no saying there won't be someone else in your future.

good luck.

I agree with you that lack of basic kindness in your life has affected you deeply. Of course it has; how could it not? While you dare to acknowledge this howling gap in your own emotional/psychological wellness, think about the ways it must be affecting your children too. I grew up being "brave" and "good". As an adult, I collapsed in tears the first few times people showed me genuine kindness. I still find it extremely hard to accept. Do you think yours have modified their expectations, so as to live comfortably with an angry parent?

Your work with the terminally ill may, ironically, have been the saving of you. Now you know what's missing - and it is a fundamental human need - you're better placed to do something about it. You're probably also realising how incredibly vulnerable you are to offers of kindness ... rather like the famine victim, to whom any food at all tastes like cordon bleu. It's impossible to know, yet, whether your affair with OM is the real thing. I think you're wise to live alone (with DC) for some considerable time; you'll have quite a bit of emotional disruption to get over at your own pace.

I don't see what you or OM have done as particularly wrong. I do see dangers in mistaking an 'exit affair' - which is not always a bad thing - for a lasting match - which is a dangerous and easy mistake.

It's good to see you getting your head round things. I hope you've got adequate real-life support: call on that! Best of luck.

I think it's easy for us to judge the written word down on a screen without understanding the basic emotion involved in what makes us all, the OP included, feel insecure. Isnt it lovely when you are ina partnership when the other person you are with looks after you when you are ^ill. Surely that's normal? To not speak to your partner for nine months when they are pregnant because 'they are ill' is disgraceful. To not speak to your wife after she has given birth to your child because 'they are ill' is also so very very hurtful and disgraceful Groping friends and generally just making your wife feel insecure is NOT a very nice relationship. In turn being insecure makes people seek after these feelings of security off someone else, often maybe, not always. It doesn't make the OP a bad person just because of this.

I am quite aghast really that you have not read deeper into what the OP has posted. The feeling ofbeing told what to do with her own children and being dictated and controlled by him to an extent he makes all the decisions rings MASSIVE alarm bells to me about how he is in their relationship.

Some of the comments here seem unfairly judgemental - the OP didn't ask anyone to think badly of her husband, she is asking for advice about exiting a relationship which she has clearly put a lot of work into saving - and which still makes her very unhappy. Of course her husband will have his side, but this isn't a detective game to work out who is 'wrong' - she is the one posting - so she should be given respect.

Having an 'exit' affair is very , very common - people who are unhappy will find themselves attracted to others, it's human nature that breakdowns in a relationship often segue into an affair - which becomes the thing that finally gives one partner the impetus to leave.

Yes it would be better if people could leave before reaching that point - but we are all only human - and where chlidren are involved, people often stay well beyond what they want to suffer - until they find they simply can't make it work anymore.

This isn't the 1950's - OP if you aren't happy you should leave, having made every reasonable attempt to work things out through counselling. The OP is entitled to mention her husbands anger and things about the relationship that make her unhappy - it's not about 'justification' - quite obviously anyone who is unhappy and thinking of divorce will have a list of things that make them unhappy - people don't have to believe or disbelieve those things, you can't KNOW from the internet - you just have to accept that is part of the OPs world view.

Yes, considering leaving children could seem unkind - I think it could also be a sign of low self confidence - OP, please don't walk out on the children without speaking to a lawyer, you might then struggle to get the access you want.

I don't think you have to leave a year of no contact with the OM! - seriously, you are a grown up, as long as you leave space to grow as a person and work out what YOU want, when you leave - then you can make a reasonable decision.

If you want to leave, don't move in with the next guy, spend the first few months sorting out childcare/ access/ breaking up as amicable as possible.

Do not stay because of the children - that's never an outcome that makes any child happy - whatever your partner may say in his hurt and anger.

have respect for him and the children - if you keep seeing the new man, do so at a distance, while you get to know him properly.

Its your life, as long as you do so with respect for others, you need to live the life you want. Being unhappy never helps anyone else.

sorry there have been some really reasonable posts whilst i posted but I hope you can see OP that most people can understand how and why situations like this arise. Life isn't black and white as wannabe says

What giyadas said on page 1 of the thread got to the crux of the matter really simply.

Sometimes you have to just follow your heart. It won't be easy, you will really really find out who your friends are, your kids may hate you (or may not), you will find out that your new man has his own flaws, and so on and so forth. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You will have to pay a high price, but maybe it would be a higher price for you to stay where you are.

This was me 11 years ago - I left.

Just an update really... We have decided to get through Christmas and I will find somewhere to live in the new year. I think that the children will be devastated that I am leaving although DH won't allow me to stay, because this is 'my fault' (and I understand why he feels that way). We will try and have a 50/50 split of time with them.

We have been seeing a counsellor who thinks that he has real anger issues, which is reassuring I suppose. I've told my sister and she is pleased because she thinks his behaviour is unpredictable which is why she refuses to see him anymore.

I feel terribly guilty that I am splitting up our family although I don't see what else I can do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this and it will only be a matter of time because we have another 'crisis' and then I will be thinking about leaving all over again.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's advice on this thread so thank you.

Lostmymind gave you good advice.

Do absolutely nothing, about anything, until you have gone to Relate and sorted YOUR head out.

And, sorry: you have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to abandon children YOU brought into the world.
You cannot wound them to that extent. You cannot.

And ask OM's wife what he is like to live with! You might find the same pattern. We are drawn to patterns

I feel sorry for your kids op.

But ya know, as long as you're doing what you want, I'm sure it'll work out.

Don't lose your DC or move out alone OP, get legal advice and counselling on your own. Just cos you have taken the decision to end your marriage doesn't mean you should be the one who leaves the DC.

"DH won't allow me to stay". It's not just up to him!

Why would you leave the dc with someone with anger issues? What is he going to say about you when you're not there?

You are leaving your children ?

Are you absolutely sure about this, love ?

Have you taken advice from professionals about whether this is your only option ?

I know it is much less common for a woman to leave her children behind, and I believe that you think you may be doing the best for them, but I am not so sure

Your husband is not a kind man, he has anger issues and he has treated you badly with them as witnesses

Are you sure this is the best environment for them ?

It sounds as if your decision to leave your husband is well thought through; your decision to leave your children is not, I think. From your posts it sounds like you are leaving children with him because you are feeling guilty or because he has deemed it so.

Please think about the lack of compassion you have felt from him and think about why your children deserve to live with someone who can be so devoid of care/have anger management issues.

You know in your heart what is right for your children, just because you choose to leave does not mean that they deserve to lose the right to live with you.

Wishing you strength.

You don't need to move out of the family home out of guilt because you have fallen for another man.
Can you put your feelings for the other man to one side for a bit?
It sounds like the OM has forced your hand with regard to your bad marriage.

Ending the marriage does sound like the right move, from what you have told us so far. Whether you end up with the OM is a side issue really. Please don't do anything rash.

I think I'd be showing 'anger issues' too if my spouse was having an affair and was about to leave - and I feared the family courts were weighted in favour of him taking the children too. In fact if a counsellor commented that I had 'anger issues' I've got no doubt I'd explode.....

charbon, I get the impression the "anger issues" predate the decision by the OP to seek comfort outside of her marriage

I do not condone that, in any way

but she does have the right to leave him without fear of reprisals, and if she is the primary caregiver, without feeling forced into leaving her children behind out of guilt

what do THE CHILDREN want? if they want to stay with you, they should, then it's 50/50 seeing their father. Or is the fact that you are working full time, and still need your H to do most of hte childcare? then yes, maybe it makess sense, but at least make sure you see them as much as possible - I mean that your H can't dictate how much(it will be hard on you to live on your own without the kids, and so far without OM).

thebighouse, when you say "I am leaving", do you mean leaving the children? Are you sure about that? Have you made that decision iris that based on what your husband chose?

OP did mention that her H did most childcare as he doesn't work (or works less) - i think this is what she based it on. Whether she needs to work even more if on her own, or can work less and do more childcare - is really the question! And htat's beside her guilty feelings, which should NOT be basis for the decision re kids.

ok, PRH, I missed that

perhaps we are jumping to conclusions though...her latest post is rather vague

she did say upthread though, that the children would be better off with their father

of course, that is possible

it depends what she is basing that decision on though