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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave my husband for someone else

81 replies

thebighouse · 21/11/2011 21:42

I've been with my husband for 15 years and we have school aged children. Over the last few months I've become really close to someone at work and we are now in love with each other. He's now left his wife as he says he can't bear to be without me. We haven't had a physical relationship but we are obviously in love with each other.

My husband is a good father and a good man. However, we have had issues in our relationship with him not looking after me when I've been ill ? it makes him angry and he ends up not speaking to me. He barely spoke to me all through my pregnancies and when I was really ill after having one of the children. He is supportive at other times, but not when I need him. During one of these times he also got really drunk and sexually assaulted my best friend. He was very remorseful but I'm not sure I've really got over it. We have been to counselling where he promises to change but I just feel that I am tired of his promises and all the 'effort' that is required on his part to just be nice.

I want to leave to be with this other man. Am I being incredibly selfish? DH says I will mess up the children and it will devastate him. Everyone loves DH and I know people will hate me. I feel so incredibly guilty and I don't know what to do. He is a good man and before I met this other man, I'm sure I would have been content to stay with him. But it's brought everything into focus for me. I worry that I won?t be able to live with myself whatever I decide. Can anyone offer any advice? I'm so miserable.

OP posts:
WitchWitch · 21/11/2011 23:09

Am I right AF?

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 23:12

I agree with aspects of what you said, WW

I think this husband sounds like a twat, and the OP one of 2 things

  1. just as bad as him
  2. so ground down (and clinically depressed) by him she makes worrying statements like "I will do with the children what he tells me to"

There isn't enough info in her posts to tell us which one she is

Ultimately though, the children will suffer here.

Plecostomus · 21/11/2011 23:13

If you were in love you'd know what to do, nothing else would matter but you would NEED to be with this man and you'd find a way to make it work. You wouldn't care that people would hate you, those who matter would stick by you. You're not in love, just selfish.

autumnflower · 21/11/2011 23:17

but wouldn't you agree WW, that some people are better off divorced (bad marriages are bad for children as don't give a good example for their future), whilst some couples do benefit from councelling and better off staying together? It's not same rule for all, imo.

p.s. WW hope you will reply to my q's on my thread (in case you've missed my message on last page).

AugustMoon · 21/11/2011 23:17

You're not thinking straight. End your affair, now, and sort out your relationship with DH. Tell him how you feel and tell him you're sorry. Don't try to blame him for what you have done, don't try to justify it.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 23:18

AM you could try sending a pm to WW to attract her attention

WitchWitch · 21/11/2011 23:19

I agree he does sound like a knob but seriously the children don't seem to have been taken into consideration at all by OP but her DH has considered how it will affect them so in my book I would say he at least has their best interests at heart. Whereas OP only seems able to see her own misery.
I'm not for one minute saying she should stay if she's unhappy but jeez..

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 23:23

No, I don't think she should stay either

For several reasons

LemonDifficult · 21/11/2011 23:25

OP, are you still around? i probably wouldn't be after all this.

Yeah, basically, there are two things going on

Your relationship with your DH
Your relationship with your OM

The first needs sorting out. The second just needs sitting out. I agree with AugustMoon - you aren't thinking straight.

It sounds as though you've already told your DH. Can I ask why?

WitchWitch · 21/11/2011 23:27

Sorry autumn I'm not ignoring you and I will go back to your thread if you'd like me there..I'm just gobsmacked by OP's (seeming) complacency toward how her children will be affected by this. You do not solve your marriage problems by starting an affair with OM. You either work on what you have or leave. And you don't blame you OH's short comings to justify that affair. For OP to have her head turned by attention from OM she obviously has short comings of her own.
I agree with AF, OP's posts aren't detailed enough. If you're muserae in your relationship you deal with it BEFORE embarking on another. But that's just my opinion.

WitchWitch · 21/11/2011 23:29

*muserae...eh? That's supposed to say miserable!

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 23:30

we got it WW Smile

SirBoobAlot · 21/11/2011 23:39

Your H sounds like a tit. But this new guy isn't going to be the running off into the sunset solution you're looking for.
If you want to leave the marriage then do - but do it because you're unhappy, not because of a new bloke.
And really, put a bit more thought and feeling into where - physically and emotionally - this will leave your DCs.

springydaffs · 21/11/2011 23:40

Is it that you feel so disgusted with yourself that you think you have no right to the children OP?

autumnflower · 21/11/2011 23:43

thanks, WW.
WEll, it's not an affair sexually speaking - she said they were hiding their feelings for two yrs. But it is hard to work with someone every day, and surpress the feelings. They were honest with spouses at least, once they kissed, and she is agonising over it, but yes, she needs to decide asap what to do. We also don't know whether she tried to work on issues with H or not..Re children, she seems to feel so guilty that she has no right to tell them what to do, but that's not a good approach. Not sure it's indifference, more that she's 'not worthy' which reallly is not good. It's hard to advise here.

autumnflower · 21/11/2011 23:45

springy - crossed posts!

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:09

great minds autumn..

OP, if you are still here - Relate aren't just to put relationships back together but are excellent at supporting people during separate. if it is the right thing for you to leave your DH, you will be able to explore this during sessions - plus it helps to alleviate the huge shock of the end of a marriage. I am concerned at the depth of your misery and ambivalence if you are not clear about whether you deserve to have the children with you (if that is the case?). imo you need professional support to help you reach a decision here.

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:10

during/through separation.

Charbon · 22/11/2011 00:48

There isn't enough to go on in the OP's brief posts, you're right.

But I agree that if a man having an affair was dredging up his wife being unsympathetic to illness and that she'd once long ago made a drunken pass at his friend which he'd agreed to get past, as justifications for him now having an affair with a married woman, there wouldn't be a rush of posts declaring that his wife was not a good woman and was in fact, a nasty bastard.

It's pure speculation about how this marriage is being experienced by the children. There is no evidence of them being badly affected at all, although it has to be said that children do generally suffer when one of their parents has her mind elsewhere.

As for the OP only having 'one life' - that goes for the children too. They only have one shot at childhood.

garlicnutter · 22/11/2011 01:01

My husband ... not looking after me when I've been ill ? it makes him angry and he ends up not speaking to me. He barely spoke to me all through my pregnancies and when I was really ill after having one of the children. He is supportive at other times, but not when I need him.

That's enough reason to end it in my book, with or without an OM. Preferably without, tbh, but maybe this is what it takes. A partner is someone you can trust to be 'there for you' when you need it. Yours, at best, is a fair-weather friend and you can get those by the boxful on sale.

Groping your friend was a pretty repulsive thing to do, as well. Nice men don't do misogynistic things, even when they're drunk.

I only skimmed your replies and saw quite a bit of "do the right thing by H" - so didn't read them in depth, as I'm in a grumpy mood already! Your H has not done the right things by you. That deal's off.

I've registered some concern for you among other posters, so I hope you'll come back and write more of it out. It can help.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/11/2011 08:55

Not enough info here to judge - except to agree with everyone who's said sort out the marriage one way or the other before even looking at someone else - but just a side comment re: H is the one thinking of the children. "It will mess the children up" is also a line commonly used as emotional blackmail. So I wouldn't take that bit as proof of anything in particular.

Divorce does have a massive impact on children though, so whatever you do, they need to be put first. That doesn't always mean staying with their other parent but it does mean handling everything with extreme sensitivity. I doubt you're currently in the best mindset to do this.

Oh, another thing that occurred to me was that if a normally loving mother gets to the stage of "the DCs will be fine without me" or, worse, "they'll be better off without me", it could be a symptom of depression rather than straightforward denial born of selfishness. (Or, of course, it may not.)

hardboiledpossum · 22/11/2011 09:54

I would cut off all contact with the OM and try and work things out with your husband. If after a year of no contact with the OM you are still deeply unhappy with your husband, then leave him. You should not be putting the OM before your family. He doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway if he was cheating on his wife.

Original poster
thebighouse · 22/11/2011 11:50

Hi all
Thanks so much for all your advice, which is really helpful. It is really hard to get perspective.

We both told our spouses because we felt guilty about what had happened and we wanted to be honest about things. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do. His wife asked him to leave and he is living with relatives.

Me and my husband are seeing a therapist already - we've seen lots of counsellors over the years due to his anger issues.

I think that I feel so guilty that I feel that the children would be better without me. I feel that I must be a pretty awful mother to be thinking about leaving their father at all. Although having read your replies and thought about this some more, I know that is a bit daft really. I just don't want to make my husband more angry/bitter than he already is. He does most of the childcare as I work full-time and he doesn't. But I know the children would prefer to be with me or would prefer at the very least for us to share their time.

I've been looking at flats locally and I think that will probably be the best option for me. I think those posters are right who have said to just be on my own for a while. It will probably involve getting into some debt but I think that will be manageable in the long run.

I really appreciate everyone's advice very much, even if some of it has been tough to hear. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
thebighouse · 22/11/2011 11:52

One other point - I've recently been working with people who have terminal illnesses and it's really brought a lot home to me about what's missing in my life. I know that if I was ill, my husband would not look after me. When I once nearly miscarried he was so angry that he didn't speak to me for several days. He can't cope when I'm ill at all. Seeing people who are nursing their partners through death has made me realise that I'm missing a lot of basic human kindness from him. I think in some ways, that has really affected me more than I realised.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
lostlady · 22/11/2011 11:55

Haven't really read this, but just a caveat: if you leave and he stays in house with the children then may be harder for you to get residence of them. I'd see a lawyer sharpish for some general advice if I were you.