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Original poster

Cannot get over first love

29 replies

anon4321 · 21/11/2011 17:42

Hi I am a long term lurker but never really posted anything. I just need to get my thoughts on paper I guess. I shall try to keep it brief!

Am in a relationship with DP of 8 years, have 2 young kids. We are best friends and get on really well, never argue but there is no passion in our relationship. I do love him and would never want to hurt him or break up my family unit. However....

I have never ever got my first love out of my system. He was married when we started going out. I kept a very level head and although we said we loved each other I was realistic about his situation and so started seeing someone else in an 'open relationship'. He tried to tell me he was jealous of this but I just assumed as he was married he couldn't tell me who I could see. If I'd thought for one minute he was serious about me I would never have started seeing anyone. Anyway we never really split up. It was hard to see each other because of his situation and so we just ended up drifting apart, I think because he didn't want to know because of the other man. I now know I meant something to him.

We have recently got back in touch via FB and get along as well as we always did. And I still want him so badly, not permanently as that would never work. He is now single, unsurprisingly as he is shocking partner material. I know I can't have him but I so desperately want to meet up with him and say all the things to him that we should have said when we split up. I want him to understand how much he meant to me and if I am brutally honest I want to kiss him.

I have never cheated on anyone. I don't intend to cheat on my DP. I do not hide the contact I have with my first love but at the same time do not go out of my way to keep DP informed of who I talk to. I feel guilty for this.

First love and I have suggested meeting up innocently. Part of me feels I deserve to finally go and get closure on something that happened 20 years ago that has always been on my mind. Is this ridiculous? Part of me questions if this is my real incentive or an excuse?

Sorry I realise this probably makes no sense to outsiders, I just needed to try and get my thoughts laid down on paper. Thanks for taking the time to read.

OP posts:
KissMyA · 21/11/2011 17:46

Do not meet up with him. What have you got to gain by doing so? Your feelings may grow and it will be even harder then. Let him go. You have a lovely family, think if that and how lucky you already are

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 17:49

meeting up innocently ?

yeah right

cop on, love, this won't end well

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 21/11/2011 17:52

Grow the fuck up, just grow up.

It was never a proper relationship in the first place, just an infatuation with a man who was never available to you.

The only reason you would meet up is to shag, and why would you do that to your DP and your children?

Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 17:56

Kiss - I know you are right, I am lucky. This whole situation has me wondering if my relationship is as good as I assumed. I thought passionless was enough but am guessing maybe not.

Any - that did make me laugh. Probably exactly what I needed to hear. A good kick up the *rse. Who exactly am I trying to kid ay?

OP posts:
Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 17:57

Ali - I totally agree up until the shag bit. I think it's the romance that I'm trying to recreate

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 21/11/2011 17:58

It will end in tears (and possibly the end of your marriage)

Stop idealising your first love and make an effort with your DH. Dirty weekend away?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 21/11/2011 17:58

bollocks

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 21/11/2011 18:00

I'm sorry that was rude, but seriously - think about what you could be throwing away.

If you are unhappy with your DP then by all means leave him, but not in a messy, stupid way that will cause a load of heartbreak all round.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 21/11/2011 18:02

You know it's ridiculous to suggest meeting up 'innocently' because your thoughts are far from innocent.

Your first loyalty is to your dp and dc and you would be behaving irresponsibly, to say the least, if you did anything to jeopardise the well-being of your loved ones.

The things you 'should have said' would have been said if they had been essential at the time. At this late date, they are far better left unsaid and you are best advised to put your 'first love' firmly back in the past where he belongs.

You've managed without this man for 20 years and you don't need him now. End your communications with him and block him from your FB pages.

When it comes to thinking about former love interests we often need to accept that some things were not, and are not, meant to be - and you and this man are very definitely in the 'not meant to be' category, both in the past and in the present.

Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 18:03

Very - we aren't married. Probably something that grates me, that he has never asked! But yes defo need to rekindle some sort of spark.

Ali - lol I am trying to be honest, I really don't think it's a sexual thing,

OP posts:
HedgeHop · 21/11/2011 18:03

anon, I'm thwapping you round the chops with a dead fish, in the nicest possible way.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 18:05

If you and your husband are not suited sexually, then sort that out. If it cannot be sorted, then at least leave your marriage before you send out the "shag me" signals

Hankering after a married man with the morals of an alley cat is not going to help you with that

You don't come out of it too well either

Did you think of his wife and children at all when you were having a bunk up with Mr Romantic ?

Now you have children of your own, are you prepared to do something that will hurt them immensely for your own ego boost ?

Get a grip. Really.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 18:06

ok, not husband then, partner

same thing innit, when there are kids involved (in this context)

Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 18:08

Thanks all for replying. I know in my head what is the right thing to do. I just needed to have a good slap in the face to snap me out of this stupour.

I think if anything it has made me question my current relationship. I had always assumed I was content but now I wonder if I want more. Last time we had sex was in March I think. There is just no passion. Just friendship.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 18:09

I feel for you. But this isnt the way.

Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 18:11

Any sorry cross posts. I agree not great, I did think about his wife but she was off having enough affairs of her own at the time so it did ease my conscience, wrongly I know.

No not prepared to hurt my kids but I am wondering if that's why I am with DP still anyway and surely that isn't necessarily the right thing to do

OP posts:
Original poster
anon4321 · 21/11/2011 18:13

Hedge - received as intended ta

OP posts:
PlumpDogPillionaire · 21/11/2011 18:25

anon - it sounds as if what you're missing is the 'freedom'/danger/absence of responsibility that you felt when you were seeing this man.

Perhaps, rather than swinging between indulging your fantasies or (sort of) ignoring how disastrous it would be if you did re-establish contact with him and telling yourself you need 'a slap', you should find a way of looking objectively at the feelings that you get - or think you'll get - from fantasising about or revisiting this relationship. (I know it's difficult to do this without a counsellor or some sort of outside support to help you understand yourself a bit better, then see if you can work on your current life and existing relationships and responsibilities to try and bring back some of the edginess and optimism that you might have felt back then in 'first love' days?

TooEasilyTempted · 21/11/2011 19:03

Why do you think the ex wants to meet with you? For a guaranteed shag, that's why.

He already knows that it makes no difference to you if he is in a relationship, it's not a huge leap to guessing it will probablymake no difference to you that you are in a relationship. It's not romantic, it's really grubby.

Stop kidding yourself with all of this "i want him to understand how much he meant to me" bollocks, and if you do want to go ahead with 'meeting up' Hmm then at least end things with your 'D'P first.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/11/2011 19:33

It can't end well so don't start anything up.

Taghain · 21/11/2011 19:45

I disagree with most of the above advice, since I was in a similar position to you, pining for a first love even through a happy marriage and children.
We met again after something like 20 years, got on as friends very well, didn't screw, and - the spell was broken. The ex didn't have the magic of all those years ago, so now we're on good terms but I'm much more content in my marriage.
Meet him if you want.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/11/2011 19:49

What happens if the spark is still there though?

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 19:55

There is nothing to be gained from risking it

And everything to lose...

madonnawhore · 21/11/2011 19:56

You had a tawdry affair with a married man who never wanted to commit to you.

Now that he's single he reckons he can tap you up for a no strings shag.

How romantic.

Charbon · 21/11/2011 20:13

It's very easy for him to say he cared for you all those years ago, but try to see this more logically. Your instincts told you at the time that he didn't care enough for you, so you pursued other relationships. You were right then, weren't you? Your logical brain would have reasoned that despite his wife's affairs (if true) he loved her enough to stay with her. He chose her over you, despite having more than enough reason to end the marriage and feel no huge guilt.

Nothing has changed here, apart from his alleged 'single' status that yet again, you cannot truly corroborate. He's still looking for an easy shag and he still thinks your morals are dubious enough to allow that. You on the other hand are looking for something far more dangerous - you want to fall in love and be romanced. Not only will you get hurt all over again, but this time you won't be able to assuage your conscience that the people being deceived 'deserve' it, in the way you were able to nullify his wife's feelings before.

There could never be an innocent meeting under these circumstances and you are already telling lies of omission to your partner. If you want true peace of mind, put an end to this friendship and all your efforts into sorting out the problems in your relationship, which I would imagine have got immeasurably worse, since you rekindled this friendship.