Hi I am a long term lurker but never really posted anything. I just need to get my thoughts on paper I guess. I shall try to keep it brief!
Am in a relationship with DP of 8 years, have 2 young kids. We are best friends and get on really well, never argue but there is no passion in our relationship. I do love him and would never want to hurt him or break up my family unit. However....
I have never ever got my first love out of my system. He was married when we started going out. I kept a very level head and although we said we loved each other I was realistic about his situation and so started seeing someone else in an 'open relationship'. He tried to tell me he was jealous of this but I just assumed as he was married he couldn't tell me who I could see. If I'd thought for one minute he was serious about me I would never have started seeing anyone. Anyway we never really split up. It was hard to see each other because of his situation and so we just ended up drifting apart, I think because he didn't want to know because of the other man. I now know I meant something to him.
We have recently got back in touch via FB and get along as well as we always did. And I still want him so badly, not permanently as that would never work. He is now single, unsurprisingly as he is shocking partner material. I know I can't have him but I so desperately want to meet up with him and say all the things to him that we should have said when we split up. I want him to understand how much he meant to me and if I am brutally honest I want to kiss him.
I have never cheated on anyone. I don't intend to cheat on my DP. I do not hide the contact I have with my first love but at the same time do not go out of my way to keep DP informed of who I talk to. I feel guilty for this.
First love and I have suggested meeting up innocently. Part of me feels I deserve to finally go and get closure on something that happened 20 years ago that has always been on my mind. Is this ridiculous? Part of me questions if this is my real incentive or an excuse?
Sorry I realise this probably makes no sense to outsiders, I just needed to try and get my thoughts laid down on paper. Thanks for taking the time to read.