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Original poster

DP's friend has been killed

33 replies

DSM · 20/11/2011 23:05

Not sure where to post this.

One of DP's close friends was killed yesterday. Drunk driver knocked him down and he died.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, not sure how to act, I've had a cry but only when DP wasnt around, he can't stop crying. I want to b supportive but not sure how exactly, he says I'm being great but I feel like I'm not doing anything?

He's gone out with the other friends this evening so I'm just waiting for him to get home. Not sure what I can do to help.

OP posts:
timetosmile · 20/11/2011 23:08

I think just be there, love him, be patient, let him talk (or leave him alone, as he wants)
So sorry for you and this chap's family.
The Cruse bereavement website is a fabulous resource and I'm sure could give you some helpful information.
There's no 'right' way to deal with this btw, so don't beat yourself up that your doing it wrong x

MayaAngelCool · 20/11/2011 23:10

Oh, how tragic. I'm so sorry for you both and all those who knew the friend.

There is nothing you can do. Just be loving and gentle, and give him opportunity to grieve as he feels appropriate, for as long as he needs.

Sad
tiredteddy · 20/11/2011 23:14

A couple of years ago my best friends partner was killed in a similar accident. It's hard breaking to loose a friend and watch their own loved ones left behind. My partner was his great mate also and still misses him immensely. Just hold him if he cries, talk when he wants to talk, not when he doesn't. Follow his lead. Did his friend have family? A wife or girlfriend? Would you and your husband find doing something practical for them helpful. I found practical things like looking after my friends daughter gave her time to deal with the police, funeral etc. I am sure your DH will be feeling grief and shock and very raw with emotion. It sounds like you are being really supportive. I am sorry for your loss.

PastGrace · 20/11/2011 23:18

OP, I'm so sorry, that's horrid. My DP had a health scare the other week and couldn't stop crying. I'm not sure if it would be the same for your DP in this situation, but he really struggled to sleep. I sat up with him until two in the morning then we went to bed with the tv to distract him, and I just held him until he fell asleep.
Not sure if that helps, but this sounds like a similar situation in that there is not much you can do, except hold him, love him, and let him grieve.

Original poster
DSM · 20/11/2011 23:21

Thank you all so much. I feel like I just need to talk..

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I keep switching between 'this is horrific' and 'everyone dies so it's just something you have to deal with'.

I bloody hate myself for thinking that way.

The guy responsible is in jail now, he was caught at the scene. I keep telling DP that this is a good thing but then I found a website with the report, and a picture of the driver Sad Angry. There were a load of comments people had written defending the driver, and blaming our friend as cyclists apparently don't follow the rules of the road and this is just what happens.

He was in the cycle lane and the fucking driver was drunk. How can people blame him?

I'm sorry I am rambling. I am not making much sense.

He was single, no wife/girlfriend. We plan to visit his parents house this week at some point. I have said I will come along to support DP, he seemed very thankful. Not sure what the right etiquette is, I've never met his family. DP and he were friends from childhood so knows the parents/siblings.

Will be hard visiting a mother whose son has just died. I don't know what I will say.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/11/2011 00:12

Well, like you said, nothing like this has happened to you before so you don't know what to do. Possibly, you thinking that 'people have to die sometime' is actually shock and panic - I hope so because otherwise it would be hard-hearted of you to genuinely believe it, because of course it is tragic for a life to be cut short suddenly.

Maybe... you feel overwhelmed that such a vast thing has been flung into your lives and you are panicking, maybe waiting for it to end ie the grief to play out. The thing is: it doesn't end, ever. The crying etc will come to an end but grief plays out for a very very long time in one way or another. This will have rocked your DP and it could play out in some strange ways in the coming months - or, more likely, years. So plant your feet because you (or DP) will be in this for the long haul.

Listen to him, hold him if that helps and is a comfort to him. I'm not sure why you cried while not in his presence as it could have helped him to see how upset you are too - however, different people have different relationship rules (if you like) and this could be appropriate for you both? He will probably talk about this for a long, long time. Of course, you'll get things wrong - because bereavement can be different from one minute to the next and what worked one minute may not work the next. Let him talk, listen to him endlessly going on - repeating himself, probably, over and over.

Do your research - look out bereavement sites, read books, find out about bereavement : the stages of grief. tbh bereavement is vicious so you'll need all you can get your hands on to support him through this.

springydaffs · 21/11/2011 00:18

I should say: bereavement can be vicious - and usually is with a sudden death Sad

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 00:22

I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, I very rarely cry in front of others.

I hope too that my feeling is just from shock, otherwise I really am a horrible, cold hearted bitch. Sad

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 21/11/2011 00:43

Grief is a very personal thing, there is no right or wrong way to do it. You will do what is right for you and your DP will do it his way. It will be different for both of you. And it will be different again for members of the poor man's family. There is usually shock. There is deep, deep sadness. There is often anger, both at the cause ( in this case the drunk driver) and also towards the person who has died. It feels wrong and irrational to feel like that, but it does happen and it is not wrong to feel like that. It is all part of the awful journey we go through during grief.

All I can say is for you to be there for your DP, listen to him, hold him, love him and let him cry/laugh/rant/whatever. He will probably do all those things at some point. It may happen quickly, but more likely, he will take a while to go through the whole process.

I always believe it is not until the end of the first year after a death that the bereaved can begin to see the light at the end of that tunnel, only after they have gone though every 'occasion' at least once after the death of their loved one. IME, that is when the healing begins.

I am so sorry for your loss.

BertieBotts · 21/11/2011 00:48

I know when DP's mum had a stroke I cried but not in front of him. I felt like it would seem I was being a fraud or trying to get attention when he was the one who was "entitled" to grieve. (She's recovering well now, BTW).

I agree, just be there for him. Pick up the slack if he doesn't feel up to doing much. I hope the visit goes okay. It will probably mean a lot to them that you have come.

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 08:41

Thank you all for your support, so much. It helps to hear that what I am doing will hopefully be helping DP.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 21/11/2011 10:30

3 years ago my best male was killed in similar circumstances. My sympathies are with you and DH. Just be there for him. Let him talk.

Seabright · 21/11/2011 10:40

Can I suggest that when you visit his parents you take something like cake, biscuits etc, as they will probably be having a lot of visitor and it may help them (even if only a tiny bit) to feel they can offer something to their visitors. Also, if you are a cook, maybe a couple of casseroles for the freezer.

Many people find that they get a lot of visitors and support in the first week or two, then everyone goes back to their "normal" lives. If the parents live near enough, and if you an DP feel able, I am sure they would welcome another visit or an invitation to Sunday lunch in a month or so.

In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Try not to let it show if your DP or your friend's parents act in a way or say something that you personally wouldn't. Grief is a strange and weird thing, let everyone do what feels right for them.

Good for you for asking how you can help, by the way.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/11/2011 10:54

My cousin died aged 26 last year. We were very close and the grief was horrible. My husband was wonderful. He just sat and listened, held me when I cried and was never impatient with me. I had a little wobble the other day because it's coming up to the anniversary and out of the blue just said "I can't believe it's nearly a year since X died. I wish he could have known about our baby" - Dh didn't blink, just held my hand (he was driving at the time) and let me have a little cry whilst i remembered my cousin.

Basically just be there. You don't really have to say anything, though when things ease a bit it's nice to bring up their name occasionally when it seems appropriate and just let your Dp know it's OK to talk about his friend. As for visiting the parents, just stick to the basics if you don't know them "I'm so sorry about X, please let us know if we can do anything useful" etc etc and let you DH talk to them about the man they loved.

HTH...

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 12:49

Thank you.

I was thinking I should take something to the parents - wasnt sure what would be appropriate? So biscuits or something would be the right thing?

I don't want to do the wrong thing, was thinking flowers but that's probably wrong. They are extremely rich so don't want to tale along something that may appear trite either.

OP posts:
ilovemyteddy · 21/11/2011 12:49

OP, you are not a horrible, cold-hearted bitch. As others have said grief manifests itself in many ways, and often the shock of such tragic news can make you numb and unable to react in a way that you think is appropriate.

Give DP as much support as possible - a shoulder to cry on, and space when he needs it. When you meet the bereaved parents just tell them that you are sorry for their loss, and that DP always talked about their DS with great fondness.

Seabright is right about taking cakes etc, or cooking something for the freezer. When my dear MIL died in Ireland everyone that came to the house brought something - teabags, biscuits etc - and it was a real help. You may also be one of those people who is more comfortable with doing something useful (I am) and I'm sure DP's friend's DM would be grateful if you offered to make tea for visitors, or washed up etc.

So sorry for your loss.

PotteringAlong · 21/11/2011 12:56

OP, was your DP's friend a skier?

You have all my sympathies; such a horrible, horrible thing to have happened :(

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 13:12

Pottering - yes he was - how did you know that?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 21/11/2011 13:36

In RL I know someone who was also a friend of theirs, although I didn't know him, but knew it couldn't be the 2nd tine today I was hearing such a horrible story.

My heart breaks for all of you. How long until people realise that alcohol and driving just don't mix... :( Angry

SevenAgainstThebes · 21/11/2011 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 13:46

Pottering and seven - oh god. Yes, that's him Sad

He was doing his second year at university In Oregon. He was due home in 2 weeks.

I can't believe you both know him too. I should stop posting now.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 21/11/2011 15:36

Don't stop posting. It doesn't make it any less horrific for your DP and for you knowing how to support him.

Original poster
DSM · 21/11/2011 15:47

I just feel a little inappropriate now, that I've 'outed' us.

Not fair on DP or friends family Sad

OP posts:
SevenAgainstThebes · 21/11/2011 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 21/11/2011 22:34

DSM, i am so sorry for your DH's and your loss. I lost my best friend to a traffic accident when he was only 25. He and I were like brother and sister, and I still cry for him, 10 years later.

Men grieve differently to women. But my best advice is to let him talk when he feels like to, let him be silent when he feels like to, don't invalidate his feelings (i.e. sometimes he will feel like saying things like: "what's the point of doing anything, if we're going to die anyway"... don't tell him that's not true... just let him vent). And especially, some times he will need to go over and over a particular detail of the accident. Let him do it. Let him tell you the same story again and again, it is what he needs to get acceptance in his head.

A big hug to you two!