Am I evil? How can I fall back in love with him? (Sorry, long)

[Magictorch]

It's my first time posting on Mumsnet, although I'm a long term lurker. I'm hoping to make sense of my feelings for DH. I'm sorry if this all seems muddled and rather long.

We've been together since I was 20 (16 years) and he is 10 years older than me and was briefly married before. We've been married for 6 years. I got together with him straight from a 3 year relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. DH and I had been friends for a year before we got together. He made me smile and laugh and I was attracted to that and the experience he'd had in life; he was so different to the gloom and fear I'd been used to.

We haven't had it easy though. I've ended up in massive amounts of debt as he refused to pay his share of the bills (and still doesn't tbh - he hasn't upped his share since 1999.) I've paid for our wedding, for our house to be refurbished, our holidays. I manage all the bills, Christmas etc.

I know that in the past I've never really been his first priority. As an example, even when I was poorly and needed a day op in hospital, he chose to go to the football rather than be there for me, leaving me stranded when I was discharged. I moved a long way away to be with him, so had no friends or family to call on. I'd never felt so small, or so lonely.

We don't have children. We're not able to and have had several unsuccessful IVF treatments (that I've paid for) which have left me emotionally and physically battered. I'm feeling increasingly distant from my friends, who now all have young children (who I adore) as I simply find it hard to converse with them now and it's so hard cuddling their babies when it's just a pipedream for me. Last week, he told me that he doesn't want to pursue the adoption route (which was always an option for us) as he can't be bothered and that he's not that fussed anyway. I feel destroyed.

My career has really taken off in the past couple of years. I've worked very hard to get here and I love my job and now I'm earning quite a bit more than him for the first time. It means I've been able to clear a big chunk of my debts and enjoy life a little more. At the same time, I've been losing weight and am feeling more confident in myself. DH has always been very supportive of me in all these regards. A few months ago, I even had a chap get very flirty with me at a work do and to be honest, I loved it - I hadn't felt attractive, or desired, or desirable like that in well over a decade.

I'm recognising that I'm a very different person now to what I was when I was 20. My husband has let himself go physically and I'm finding it hard to be as attracted to him these days - yet whenever I go near him and try and be affectionate he pushes me away. When we do make love, it's infrequent and with the TV on in the background. Some of his personal habits and views are repulsive to me now. We're so friendly and comfortable together though and I love many aspects of him. I wish he'd talk to me and listen to me when I bring up concerns, but he laughs at me instead or turns the TV up loud. I'm so confused because we get on well, but there are aspects of our life that make me miserable.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. What do I do? I feel so evil and I just can't trust my own feelings anymore. I've been with him nearly half my life and I need to fall back in love with him. He's all I've got.

Thanks for reading and sorry this is so long and rambly. It's helped to write it down.

WOW..
What are you actually getting out of this relationship. It appears to be all one way traffic with you giving and getting nothing in return.
I'm sorry but you don't need to fall back in love with him, you have to love yourself and cut yourself free from this horrible relationship.

First of all you aren't evil. You can't help how you feel and it doesn't sound like the relationship is much of priority to your DH nor does it sound like you get much from it. He sounds selfish from what you say and frankly, he knows he is on to a good thing, as you appear to be putting more into the relationship than he does.

I think to rekindle the relationship he has to change a lot. It sounds very one sided. It seems to me that you have two options really - either leave now and cut your losses. You are still relatively young, you can take care of yourself financially and you have a chance of starting again.

The other option is that you give him one last chance to get a grip, change his ways and shape up a bit as a husband. If he isn't listening to you and you are struggling to communicate with him then he has to be willing to go to counselling with you. If he doesn't care enough to do that, and to try and rescue your relationship then you might as well go to option one and leave him.

TBH, he doesn't sound like he has many redeeming features to me (of course he is going to be supportive of your career - he stands to gain from your increased earning power) but I appreciate you are mainly just listing the problems and not what works so I give him the benefit of the doubt but for me, I would be saying to him no counselling = no wife.

get rid of him. now. any man who puts football before his wife when she is in hospital isn't worth a moment more of your time. Enjoy your life and don't look back x

He's not all you've got.

It's not evil to want love, respect, shared values, and support. You're not required to stay with someone you don't love or fancy, and who doesn't seem to like or love you very much. It's natural to want children. You're not evil and you're allowed to leave.

Sorry I too sense doom here!!... He really needs to buck his ideas up & treat you better. It is hard to fall back in love with someone & in particular to get back the all important spark in a marriage but absolutely not something you can do alone... I think marriage councilling is essential here but the main topic should be the adoption one, I would hate to think you carried on trudging on in this marriage & down the line lost the chance to be a mum if thats what you really want. Sounds like he needs a big kick up the backside & has become too comfortable, you are by no means evil just unhappy & deserve more. Good luck x

Why would you be evil? I'm struggling to see how this relationship is giving you anything. Have you considered Relate?

though. I've ended up in massive amounts of debt as he refused to pay his share of the bills (and still doesn't tbh - he hasn't upped his share since 1999.) I've paid for our wedding, for our house to be refurbished, our holidays.
I know that in the past I've never really been his first priority
I moved a long way away to be with him, so had no friends or family to call on
he told me that he doesn't want to pursue the adoption route as he can't be bothered and that he's not that fussed anyway
whenever I go near him and try and be affectionate he pushes me away
Some of his personal habits and views are repulsive to me now
I wish he'd talk to me and listen to me when I bring up concerns, but he laughs at me instead or turns the TV up loud

He isn't "all I've got" - he's someone you started a relationship with at 20, after a 3 years of emotional abuse. Can you stand another 16 years of this?

"We haven't had it easy though"
This bit really jumped out at me - he's had it very easy while you've made all the sacrifices and done all the hard work.
He sounds truly awful, the best you could do for yourself is to get rid of this useless lump of a man. If his behaviour is as bad as you say, he doesn't love or respect you.
He is the same age as my DH, I'm his priority (along with our grown up DD) , just as he's mine.

When you say he refuses to pay his share of the bills, do you mean you don't have a joint account?

He's all you've got? You've got a great job. You've got friends with nice families and men who are attracted to you.

"I'm so confused because we get on well..." - only when you tow the line. Otherwise he laughs at you, turns up the TV or goes to the football. Oh, and he's a tight-arse. I thought he must have a golden dick - but even that side of things is crap.

Magic, you sound lovely and he sounds horrible. It's never too late to re-start your life. Please, do it.

Oh OP, life can be so much better than this.

Please, please see this relationship for what it is and leave this man. You could have a lovely life without him. With him... oh god I can't even say how awful it is.

I really think you need to go to counselling to tackle your lack of self-esteem.

This guy sounds vile.

You don't need to fall in love with him again, you need to ditch him and learn to love yourself and believe that you deserve better than this.

You have a good career and you're an attractive woman whose colleagues flirt with her. Ditch this loser and find a man you can have babies with.

this man does not love you, you are like a comfort blanket for him, somebody he needs financially but not emotionally.

YOu need to grow some and get some life whilst you are young.

He is a ponce. He is bleeding you dry emotionally and financially he does not contribute he lives for free whilst you get in debt, that is not a man that is an arsehole.

You are worth better than him..a dog would be better than him, at least they give love and are pleased to see you when you come home.

Learn to like yourself, and don't get back with this man. You may as well have a tape running 24x7 saying "you are rubbish" than have a man like that. He'll suck you dry.

You know that all the things you do for him? he would never do them for you...you need to leave and realise that you are a nice person who deserves to be happy.

Ah, thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it. There's a lot for me to think about.

Malificence we do have a joint account. Thing is, he has his salary paid into his own (which I'm fine with) but only transfers a limited amount to the joint account, which he hasn't increased for all those years, although obviously things like bills have gone up. He says he needs his money for football and most of his cash used to go on staggering amounts of booze as well, but that's got better over the last couple of years.

He does have redeeming features - such as he makes friends very easily (something I wish I could do with such ease) and is a good friend to people, he does a lot around the house, he tells me he loves me, he has a good sense of humour. I love his family to pieces. I have had happy times with him.

He doesn't believe in counselling, or anything to do with psychology etc. Made for some interesting conversations when I was doing a psychology course!!

The reason I'm so confused I think is that I have become so used to it, it's normal to me, but I know it's not right.

I see other couples go out, have fun, visit friends, go to the pictures etc and we don't do any of that. It's night after night with the TV on (with what he's chosen) and I am bored rigid. I started a new hobby earlier this year which gets me out once a fortnight and it's since then, since I started making friends and having a laugh doing something I enjoy, that it's become more and more obvious that all is not well. I keep thinking that I'm 36, not dead!

Sigh. Thanks again. I need to have a long hard think and try and speak to him again.

I think you need to insist that all his wages go into the joint account and after the bills are paid and an amount is saved, you both have an equal amount of whatever is left, it's the only fair way.

I think you should set yourself free from this dead wood of a man

He tells you he loves you

Actions speak louder than words. His actions say otherwise. He's living off you and not interested in your wish to be a mother. He prioritises his social life over your life as a couple, even prioritises his hobbies over your emotional well-being when you've just had an operation. And he's not paying his fair share. Is he doing 50% of the housework btw?

You really do deserve better treatment than this

so much sense on this thread i don't really have more to add.

you are putting a lot more into this relationship than he is. you realise that don't you?

can you imagine what being in a relationship like those you see around you? going out to concerts, theatre, movies, visiting friends. these are all the things you should be doing.

the money thing is shocking. you need to address that immediately if you want this relationship to survive.

and finally, he doesn't seem to take your needs seriously. the adoption thing is a shocking example of callousness. he can't pretend to not know how important children are to you. it comes across in your posts. if i lived with you i'd know damn well.

i'm sorry to say that this relationship would not be enough for me. his family will still be around. you will be cutting out dead wood and making way for new.

there are a lot of opportunities out there for you, carpe dium and all that.

diem dammit.

It's okay to grow out of a relationship, and it sounds like you have.

Yes that's it BearWith.

You don't have a duty, to hold on grimly to a crap relationship and try and make it work.

There really is no necessity to make it work.

Particularly where there are no children involved, but even if there are. If the other party isn't doing 50% of the work to make it work, then you are under no obligation to make up the missing percentage. Or even to do your 50%.

"36 - not dead!"

What a great title for a blog, novel, hollywood movie!

Just sayin'

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I know you're all making absolute sense.

BearWith I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I was a a young, vulnerable 20 year old and a completely different person back then.

As an aside, over supper tonight I asked him if he'd like to go out next week, after we'd been paid. I suggested a film, or going to a Christmas market or out for a drink. He said, 'only if you're paying' and then said no, because xy&z will be on the telly!!! He's now gone to bed, to watch more telly.

I'm working away for a couple of nights this week. Can't come quick enough, I can barely breathe right now. I'm scared of what I think I need to do. I've not been on my own since I was 16.

Being on your own is about a million times better than being stifled by a relationship like this

And it also gives you the opportunity to find someone better if you want to

I honestly think you would not know yourself if you moved on from this relationship. You sound intelligent and fun - just the sort of person I'd like to be friends with. He sounds like a lazy arse waste of space (although I do hear you about his good sides.) You are still young, and you could be having a wonderful time, either enjoying being single, or with a man who puts you first.