Am I evil? How can I fall back in love with him? (Sorry, long)

[Magictorch]

It's my first time posting on Mumsnet, although I'm a long term lurker. I'm hoping to make sense of my feelings for DH. I'm sorry if this all seems muddled and rather long.

We've been together since I was 20 (16 years) and he is 10 years older than me and was briefly married before. We've been married for 6 years. I got together with him straight from a 3 year relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. DH and I had been friends for a year before we got together. He made me smile and laugh and I was attracted to that and the experience he'd had in life; he was so different to the gloom and fear I'd been used to.

We haven't had it easy though. I've ended up in massive amounts of debt as he refused to pay his share of the bills (and still doesn't tbh - he hasn't upped his share since 1999.) I've paid for our wedding, for our house to be refurbished, our holidays. I manage all the bills, Christmas etc.

I know that in the past I've never really been his first priority. As an example, even when I was poorly and needed a day op in hospital, he chose to go to the football rather than be there for me, leaving me stranded when I was discharged. I moved a long way away to be with him, so had no friends or family to call on. I'd never felt so small, or so lonely.

We don't have children. We're not able to and have had several unsuccessful IVF treatments (that I've paid for) which have left me emotionally and physically battered. I'm feeling increasingly distant from my friends, who now all have young children (who I adore) as I simply find it hard to converse with them now and it's so hard cuddling their babies when it's just a pipedream for me. Last week, he told me that he doesn't want to pursue the adoption route (which was always an option for us) as he can't be bothered and that he's not that fussed anyway. I feel destroyed.

My career has really taken off in the past couple of years. I've worked very hard to get here and I love my job and now I'm earning quite a bit more than him for the first time. It means I've been able to clear a big chunk of my debts and enjoy life a little more. At the same time, I've been losing weight and am feeling more confident in myself. DH has always been very supportive of me in all these regards. A few months ago, I even had a chap get very flirty with me at a work do and to be honest, I loved it - I hadn't felt attractive, or desired, or desirable like that in well over a decade.

I'm recognising that I'm a very different person now to what I was when I was 20. My husband has let himself go physically and I'm finding it hard to be as attracted to him these days - yet whenever I go near him and try and be affectionate he pushes me away. When we do make love, it's infrequent and with the TV on in the background. Some of his personal habits and views are repulsive to me now. We're so friendly and comfortable together though and I love many aspects of him. I wish he'd talk to me and listen to me when I bring up concerns, but he laughs at me instead or turns the TV up loud. I'm so confused because we get on well, but there are aspects of our life that make me miserable.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. What do I do? I feel so evil and I just can't trust my own feelings anymore. I've been with him nearly half my life and I need to fall back in love with him. He's all I've got.

Thanks for reading and sorry this is so long and rambly. It's helped to write it down.

Thanks teatimesthree! It's so hard. And he does have good qualities, he's not all bad or anything. I know I'm much luckier than many of the ladies on here and I thank god for that.

I do want to have fun though and I love my fortnightly hobby night; those couple of hours make me feel alive again, I feel like me again, if that makes sense.

I also worry that I'm projecting all the stresses (and maybe resentment) from all the failed fertility treatments onto our relationship, that I'd be making a massive mistake to walk away. Whenever I try and talk about anything (ie: some of his politics are very offensive to me) DH just smiles and tells me I'd get no better than him.

So many thoughts, all crashing into each other.

Thanks again for all your advice.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like 'you' again. I was in this position too, and couldn't believe how exhilarating it was to be 'me' all the time. Still is, a few years on!

'DH just smiles and tells me I'd get no better than him.' Oh dear. This rings bells too. Not good.

My XP was also not all bad, and had lots of good things about him. This makes it very hard to walk away. But I knew as soon as I did it that it was the right thing to do, and I am thankful everyday that I did.

Good luck!

he is a cocklodger

get fucking rid of him

he is boring, and I bet he is shit in bed too

utterly selfish men usually are

you could do a lot better than that, I am certain

being single is a lot better than that tbqh

Sorry but any man who tells you that you could get no better than him, is a wrong un.

Men who value women, are not eager to tell them that they couldn't get any better than them. On the whole, they're delighted that they've bagged such a great woman and aren't at all sure that she couldn't get better than them.

OP, ditch this guy. He doesn't value you and trust me on this, you can do a lot better than him.

Just out of interest if you have been in an emotionally abuse relationship for 3 years and with this partner for a lot more (who is NOT the catch you may think he is) how do you perceive a healthy relationship to be? i.e. how would you expect your partner to treat you?

You have variously described his politics and aspects of his worldview as 'repulsive' and 'very offensive' to you. Sorry, but I think that is a very bad sign - politics gets dismissed as unimportant by a lot of people, but it's really massively significant, IMVHO. If your politics are very different then it means that you differ in how you view other people and your surroundings, you hold different values about what's important, what's acceptable and maybe even what constitutes common decency. I'm not saying couples have to agree on all issues or even vote the same way, but I do believe you need to be reading off the same bookshelf, if that makes sense.

Your posts read like you may have grown apart and he maybe takes you for granted. I'm 36 tomorrow and have been with my DH for nearly 17 years, so I know what a big chunk out of life that is and there's no easy decisions.

Good luck, may the road rise with you.

I think politics is important.

Not that you have to vote the same way or anything like that; but that you have to have the same values.

You can do so while being a free market libertarian and a communist; but if some aspects of your DP's politicas are repulsive, then there's something wrong.

AF very perceptive...let's just say the bedroom antics have not been great for a considerable amount of time. I may not be Miss Experienced, but I've read enough Cosmo to know that this isn't the way it's meant to be! (OK, probably TMI here, but I'm a glass of wine down now, so here goes - once, maybe twice a month if that. Always a Sunday morning. Always him on top. Always with football programme on TV in background. Resists all attempts for other positions, other times, or for oral sex or anything. Have tried weekends away, sexy underwear, etc etc. Nada). Am seriously considering a trip to Ann Summers!

SparklesI would expect a partner to want to be with me and want to do things with me, whether that's a shared interest, or even simply being interested in the things I am. I'd want them to think of me on special occasions, not just be shoved a few quid as an afterthought for a present (which then gets borrowed back). I want them to want to cuddle up to me on the sofa (to even let me on the sofa with them), to respond to me when I kiss them, for us to work together when tough times come. I'd want them to be the person I can rely on when I'm feeling blue. I'd want to see them and smile, to miss them when I'm not near them. I'd want to be able to laugh with them, talk all night about anything and everything. I'd want them not to be pissed when they say our wedding vows. I'd want him to respect my views, support my ambitions, love me for who I am. I'd want him to have decent manners and not offend my friends so that they drift away. I wouldn't care what job they did, what they earned or anything as long as they spoke to me with respect and not like something they'd stepped in. I'd want us to go out now and then, but even if we couldn't afford to do much, I'd want to feel he'd appreciate my company enough to go on a walk or to watch a DVD with me that we'd both enjoy. I'd want them to be on the same page as me for the big stuff in life, like kids. Really, all the stuff I see other people have.

We do have (or did have) some of that. And to be fair to DH, he does do quite a bit round the house, but nothing really practical (ie: he'll tidy and put a wash on but I have to get handymen in to do heavy stuff), so it's not like I have to do everything in that regard. I do 99% of the cooking, all the shopping, all the finances, all the gardening, co-ordinate all maintenance, some cleaning, 80% of laundry. He is also good at putting up with me if I get into a strop as I know I can be a sulky mare sometimes.

But yes. Put like that, it could be better.

You get one life only.

Please don't waste any more of yours on him.

No, you aren't projecting.

Yes, you could do a thousand times better.

You have time to get it together and be a mum, if that is your dream, but you need to come to some quick decisions if so.

Is it a difficult decision? Let's see. This is what I note. Your OP describes an absolutely horrible person- selfish, arrogant, using, lazy, boring, ignorant, bigoted. Who wrote that OP? You did. That's him in your own words, and with you trying your best to be even- handed about it. That's the best you can say for him. It's awful. You know it's awful.

You aren't dead, you're not even half way through. Get out.

Salme and Eleanor I completely agree on the politics/values - we've always had differing opinions, but I always felt that fundamentally, our values were the same and solid. Recently however, he's been coming out with stuff that just makes me gasp and that is not acceptable to me on any level.

Oh Darling, it couldn't just be better, it doesn't actually get much worse. Worse is phyical violence, but you're only just above that. Your life sounds really lonely.

I have been in a very lonely relationship and I can guarantee you that being single is far less lonely than being in a relationship where your partner is not giving you the nurture and support and company you expect from that relationship.

Honestly, life can be so much better than this. You are getting so little and there is so much and you only have one life.

never mind the trip to Ann Summers, unless it is purely to please yourself of course

what a terrible roll call of good qualities he has

the best you can mention is that he "puts up with you when you are a stroppy mare"

who wouldn't be stroppy when faced with such fuckwittery and selfishness ?

and what cocklodger wouldn't be nice on occasion, just to make sure his comfortable landing place doesn't start to get a bit uppity...

He's actually convinced you that you're a stroppy mare and that he's being kind to put up with you.

I'd be a stroppy mare if I lived with a freeloading cocklodger.

Get yourself out magic. Don't waste any more of your life with him. Met my stbxh when I was 19, he was ten years older. I am now 27 and although it's tough (lone parent) i am happier now than I have ever been. You don't owe this guy anything. He sounds a lot like my ex and I very much doubt anything will change. Imagine another twenty years, as things are...

I split with my ex of 19 years because of his repeated philanderings but I still have a great relationship with his family. Your DHs family will know him as he is and love him because he is family but you are family too & as long as you don't criticise him to them if they're worth keeping in touch with they will understand

you are SO fortunate you don't have children with this man. Sorry if that seems harsh.
You can be rid of him forever if you want to be