MIL told me a secret (more of a WWYD maybe?)

[MrsChanandlerBong]

My MIL recently told me something and told me not to tell DH. It's not some massive life threatening thing, but something I know he'd be VERY annoyed about if he knew about it.

My DH and I don't keep secrets from each other, I don't like being told not to tell him something. I really want to tell him but I know it would be bad for his psyche to know about it - basically MIL has been 'behind his back' about something relating to his daughter (my step-daughter).

I'm not even close to my MIL so I have no idea why she is telling me secrets! I might have a slight bias since I find her generally very sly but my DH seems to think she is a wonderful sweet old lady - I kind of want my DH to see her true colours IYSWIM. So I'm asking here to get an unbiased view really.

Shall I tell him or keep the secret?

Go back to your MIL, say this is not your secret to keep and she has put you in a very difficult situation. Tell her to tell your DH. Do you have any DC? Is it likely to affect them? Is it likely to have any long term implications for your DSD? (Does SHE know? Her mum?)

Could she have told you because she wants your DH to know and she knows you'll tell him but she doesn't want to? I the k it's a massively unfair position to put you in! I'd tell him, but only because I wouldn't want to keep something big from
dH.

First up, I would make it very clear to MiL that she is never to put you in this position again, because you will not have secrets from DH.

I would also tell her that asking you to keep this particular secret is no guarantee that you will, as if you think that it is in people's best interests to know the truth then they should be told it.

Then make the decision whether to tell or not on that basis - is it in the best interests of your DH, or more importantly, your step-daughter?

Id tell her to tell him tbh. Shes no right to make you confidante unwillingly. And now shes told you she has put you in a position where you a chosing between your morals and her. Tell her to tell him bwfor you do!

We have a new baby together but it won't affect her. My DSD knows, I don't know if her mum knows.

I don't think my MIL saw it as a secret that needed keeping or telling, she just admitted to doing something and then warned me not to tell DH as it would upset him (it would!).

I'd tell DH, but tell him his mother had told me not to tell him and is there anyway he can deal with it without making you look untrustworthy to MIL. Hard one, but I don't like keeping things from DH.

She definitely doesn't want DH to know... It's actually quite annoyed me tbh so DH would go through the roof. There was no need for her to tell me and I wish she hadn't, I'd be better off not knowing.

When she told me and then warned me not to tell DH I didn't give any response and just got busy changing a nappy. I didn't even nod or give any indication that I'd agreed to it. She kept saying "you won't tell him will you?" and I just changed the subject. So I've never agreed to keep it.

Thing is if I tell him then I'm putting him in the position of either being unable to do anything about it, or confronting his mother and dropping me in it aren't I...

Is it something that will affect your DSD badly? It doesn't sound like that is the case, just something that will "annoy" DH. I wouldn't bother mentioning it.
You are just going to create discord between both of them and I bet you'll end up being the wicked witch for butting in.

It seems like a manipulative thing to do, I mean she's put you in a lose-lose postion.
Kinda like using a secret as a weapon isnt it?

My god she's sly.

And I don't think she'll even give it another thought.

Maybe if the 'subject' that it's to do with comes up in conversation with him, I tell him then? Or if it comes up with her then I tell her that I'm going to tell him? I don't see her very often, I avoid speaking to her on the phone, and I'm not sure I can call her and randomly say "oh by the way, that thing you told me about, I'm going to blab". Maybe I can though?!

She is being devious and nasty. This puts you in a very difficult position.

If you told your DH might she deny everything and accuse you of fabrication?

Why did you agree to keep the secret? I think she needs to tell all now the cat is out of the bag.

I also think you should tell MIL to tell DH- before you do.

Are we talking about something stupid your DSD has done which is now past and gone? Risky behavious she has engaged in?
If she si no longer doing it, I wouldn't tell. If she is, I would forget about the "secret" thing and consider it in its own right.

timetoask yes I tend to agree

I suppose I'm worried he'll find out from DSD or MIL or someone else and know that I knew all along? And I hate having a secret from him.

You didn't promise- so why not tell DH? Sounds like he should know what his mother is really like.

I would worry that if and when the secret ever comes out, that your sly MIL would say "well MrsCB knew all about it", thereby diverting dh's anger/disappointment away from her and onto you.

No one should ask that a secret is kept from a spouse.

I didn't agree to keep it, she just came out with it when we weren't even really on the subject. I gave no reaction when she told me. It won't affect DH.

I'm in a lose lose situation because if I tell him then I'm stirring it, but if I don't tell him then she 'knows' that I keep secrets from him and can use this against me!

Sorry I meant it won't affect DSD, it's already happened in the past.

Not worth taking the risk of him finding out later and being hurt that you knew and did not tell him.

I would tell him asap.

MrsChan, yes I can see why that would worry you (re your post of 15:50:37).

How about calling MIL and telling her "I have been feeling extremely apprehensive about the secret/thing/whatever you confided to me, DH and I have a relationship based on 100% honestly, I'm afraid I cannot keep secrets from him so I would appreciate it if you could tell him about it yourself."

I agree with timetoask - that covers you entirely and she can't throw anything back at you.

There is something else I should've mentioned.

Shortly after this happened we lay in bed one night arguing about his mother (unrelated to this) and I told him - in order to illustrate a point of how devious she can be - that she had told me a secret and told me not to tell him (I was really angry at the time). I thought this might prompt him to ask what it was and I could offload but it was as if he didn't process the information. Our DD was newborn and we were both very sleep deprived at the time!

I thought afterwards that it was a good thing as I should continue to keep the secret but now I kind of wish he'd asked me what it was.

He can't have processed it, because if someone said that to you and you processed it you'd want to know wouldn't you! Unless you're so blinded by love for your mother that you can't face it...

Perhaps you could pick a quiet time when you and DH can talk calmly and sensibly, then tell him that MIL told you something (unsolicited) that she knew would upset DH, then asked you not to tell him.

Then tell him that you don't like being put in this position and the only reason you don't want to tell him what it is yourself is because you know he will be very angry/upset (and the messenger tends to get shot).

Then say to DH, that you think he should ask his mother about it himself - you could also add that DSD knows as well if you think its appropriate.

Actually, why not write it down and give him the note while you are sitting together calmly and make sure he reads it!

At least that way, you can't be accused of keeping secrets from him. And I don't think you should worry about what your MIL thinks re dropping yourself in it - your first loyalty is to your DH not your MIL.

I'm no expert but isn't your MIL doing what is commonly called "splitting" she's told you a secret, told you not to tell DH and now you feel unhappy.....

I'd definitely go back to her and tell her that she should not have asked you to keep a secret from DH, thatare not keeping the secret and either she can tell DH or you will. Otherwise it will almost certainly come back to bite you.

Like the note idea too!

i;d take myself out of the equation - OR ensure that i come our of this smelling of roses

the issue itself - for me would be completely a secondary thing.

so.

1. 8~if you have the balls tell mil to tell dh - or you will, you don't like being in this position and if she tells him - she can put her own spin on it.

b)If you dont have the balls to confront MIL - tell dh and then tell him to confront her and if HE is any kind of decent human being he will recognise that there is two issues here
-the issue with the daughter
-the issue with the secret

either way the problems are them his - not yours

He can then confront his mother on two levels
ie. " dont tell my wife to keep secrets, this is something we don't do in our relation ship also we need to address the subject of my daughter..."

if you tell your dh - the sit isn't yours

i swear to god if he finds out and finds out you knew - this is seriously going to bite you in the arse

i would rather my mil hate me for eternity than know that the devious old bitch cause a rift in my marriage