MIL told me a secret (more of a WWYD maybe?)

[MrsChanandlerBong]

My MIL recently told me something and told me not to tell DH. It's not some massive life threatening thing, but something I know he'd be VERY annoyed about if he knew about it.

My DH and I don't keep secrets from each other, I don't like being told not to tell him something. I really want to tell him but I know it would be bad for his psyche to know about it - basically MIL has been 'behind his back' about something relating to his daughter (my step-daughter).

I'm not even close to my MIL so I have no idea why she is telling me secrets! I might have a slight bias since I find her generally very sly but my DH seems to think she is a wonderful sweet old lady - I kind of want my DH to see her true colours IYSWIM. So I'm asking here to get an unbiased view really.

Shall I tell him or keep the secret?

I wouldn't like to keep a secret from DP either. I think I'd have to say to your MIL - look, I feel very uncomfortable keeping a secret from DH, and either you tell him yourself, or I will have to because it's not conducive to a good relationship to have secrets.

I suspect OP that you are more interested in letting your DH know that his mother who he thinks is a "sweet old lady" (or somesuch phrase that you used) has done something which will make him angry and then he will realise that his mom is not "sweet" at all. Hmm - who is being devious here I wonder.

Wil retreat now with hard hat on...........

Hence why I said I was biased [eye roll]

i'd tell him the whole thing - about how she told you first and then afterwards asked you to keep it a secret. i don't think you can tell someone to keep something confidential AFTER you've told them. you have to get their agreement first.

she sounds awful.

Give her a deadline

"If you dont tell him about XX (give details) by [say] Sunday, then I will tell him, because I will not keep a secret like this from him and I resent being used in this way"

And stick to it.

Oh and do it by email or text, or photocopy a letter, so you have a copy to show him incase she tries to accuse you of lying.

I would tell her to come clean or else I would tell him, especially as it is something relating to his child. His mother should never had put you in that position anyway but I think when it comes to someones children the parent has a right to know.

What Reality said

Tell your MIL that the subject of has come up and that she needs to tell her son about it before it causes problems between you and him.

hmm, need to know what the 'secret' is really.

lol it's a really boring one to do with money

In summary DSD has treated MIL like total crap, and MIL has told DH that she wasn't going to bother with DSD any more, but then behind his back given DSD a load of money because she 'felt sorry for her'. DSD is still treating her like crap so MIL regrets giving her the money which is I think why she offloaded to me. DH would be livid with DSD for treating his mother this way (their relationship is already very strained), and would also be livid with his mother for being daft enough to give her money. Plus he will be livid that MIL has been 'in cahoots' with DSD.

There's other complicated dynamics but that's it in short.

Like I say, it will be bad for DH's psyche to know all this. He really doesn't need to know it and I'd rather he didn't.

But the worry is that DSD will at some point tell my DH that his mother gave her this money, and my DH will then be livid at THAT point instead. I feel at some point it's going to come out and perhaps I should manage it now rather than let DSD use it as a point scoring exercise. I'd like my DH to be able to respond to her with a "yes I know about that" so it doesn't seem like there's any secrets between him and his mother.

I don't know really, I'm open to all your advice based on this new information!

DSD is an adult, by the way.

My first though was the same as stinkyfeet. At some point, if you don't tell him, it is going to come out. MIL will then say "well Mrs Bong knew" and your DH will feel so betrayed that you knew and helped his family keep it from him that the anger her should really feel at his mother will be directed at you.

It is really sneaky to have done this to you. Tell him. Your loyalty is to your DH.

I would have told her when she asked me not to tell my husband that I couldn't promise that and she should have asked me if I wanted to keep a secret from my husband before telling me it.
Whether or not I'd tell him now really depends on whether or not it would benefit him in any way to know what the secret is. has it benefitted you or just annoyed you? Would anything have changed if you hadn't been told? Is it such a big thing that your husband may find out in future and then resent you not telling him? If so your marriage is more important than your relationship with your MIL, or is it something annoying but basically trivial that will soon be forgotten.
How old is your stepdaughter? Is your husband maybe controlling about only wanting his mother to have interactions with her that he approves of? If no-one was harmed by whatever it was then why are you worked up about it?

I don't want to cause a rift between him and his mum. If that was the case I think I'd have just blurted it out by now wouldn't I?

I don't "hate" her, much too strong a word. She's not my type of person that's for sure, but we have a superficial 'being nice to each other' relationship. She's elderly and recently widowed, I don't want to upset her. TBH my DH loves her to bits, I don't think he'd LET there be a rift, but I still think he should know now before DSD delights in telling him about it.

I'm going to go against the general consensus and say don't tell him if the potential fallout from it will have huge consequences within the family. You will get accused of stirring things. It's not that big a deal and eventaully when your dh finds out you can say you didn't think it was worth telling him and you thought it best to let them the two of them get on with it themselves.
MY SIL once told me something when she was drunk that would've devastated dh - she was, and is, silly and immature and I could easily have told dh and caused huge upset within their family. They didn't like me much but I chose not to stir things as I didn't want to be responsible for hurting dh. I did tell him 15 years later when it didn't really have much impact anymore. He was glad I didn't.

The only consequences of not telling him are that DSD will use it to score points, and DH will then potentially look like a fool or that his mother keeps secrets from him IYSWIM.

The consequences of telling him are that I look like a stirrer, and it affects DH's psyche in that he sees his mother has been 'taken advantage of'. It also shows that his mother can be sly (thus backing up my opinion of her).

So for me there's pros and cons of each.

I think in this case mil is the injured party. Tell DH but say mil didnt want him to know as she knows she has been silly and is embarrased.

I dont speak to my own mil so I am not naturally on the side of mils in general. But in this case i see no good coming of secrets that WILL come out or of going in all guns blazing. Sounds like it is dsd that needs the rocket!

MrsChanandlerBong My MIL did the same to me a few years ago, although the secret was more financial (stocks/investments etc).

Money matters are one thing, but if this is about your dh's dd then he deserves to know.
Your MIL shouldn't have put you in this predicament. You say you and your dh don't keep secrets from each other - well then don't.

In the end, you may get into some trouble for not telling him, especially if your dh finds out from someone other than your MIL.
Afterall, you can't really be sure who knows you know.

Good luck

ncjust4this - I think you're right, and that's actually a great idea but I think I'll have to wait for it (or at least for DSD) to come up in conversation.

yes DSD is a whole other relationship thread in herself!

I'd tell him. My MIL was always saying "don't tell dh but...." and I would interrupt her before she could say more and tell her that I would not keep secrets from him and if she really didn't want him to know she should stop now. She always told me anyway, and I would tell dh.

If you don't tell your dh then you are telling her that she can use you safely. If you do tell dh then you are telling her that she can't.

FWIW, my telling dh her secrets didn't affect his view of her at all; he still adored her and thought she could do no wrong but just thought that she had occasional temporary mental aberrations . He was annoyed that she wanted me to keep things from him, but didn't need to do anything about it as I always told him.

'Tis better to be trusted by your other half than your other half's mum.

Also with mils you needto pick your battles because if she does do something really sly, nasty and vindictive (like mine) you need to be able to occupy the higher ground and not look like you are bias, making too much out of things or point scoring.

I would just tell DH. My loyalties lie with him, not MIL or DSD.