has anyone got a dp who has aspergers?

[powerhouse]

how does it effect your life/relationship?
have they been diagnosed?
does it help to have a reason for some behaviours?

I think my dh has it but wonder if i am making excuses for him to keep sane.

he cant see my point of view. he is not thoughtful. he doesnt like people, especially new people. he avoids most social situations. he is egocentric, we are all passengers on his ride. he doesnt like to break his routine. he is not touchy feely (but does hug and kiss his children because it is important to them). if he suffers an injustice (often out of perspective) it takes him ages to recover.

what do you think?

Are you happy with him, OP? I wouldn't be!

I do
Diagnosed about 3 years ago
it did help - although DH now uses it as an excuse to everything :)

we live a rather structured life and he is learning to cope with living with me (very unorganised, last minute organiser)
It does not really affect us on good days - DH provides the structure I couldn't create, and I just get on with my stuff.
On bad days - i.e. if I require any emotional support - not quite so good. He just cannot empathise. At all.
Relationship-wise, it has got better since diagnosis I think, because he has realised that his views on personnal space / physical contact / emotional proximity are not conventional and is making an effort for me.

The asperger diagnosis is a bit of a funny ride - and is based on a wide range of criteria which I cannot fully remember. DH was happy to go along with it, and it took quite a few sessions at the unit.

imperial - depends what day or hour you ask me. mostly no im afraid

marasme - dh agrees he could well have aspergers, but there is no way he would get tested. it might help because he might realise the problems he causes. but then he might not listen. I am disorganised, untidy and forgetful and he struggles to cope with that and is quite mean. I was told by a dyslexia specialist it was down to my type of dyslexia but he says no i just dont try. I know what you mean about empathy, he has no idea of how he makes me feel, even though I tell him.

Its good to here a story about a relationship that works, it gives me hope (and convinces me even more that he has it)

I must say that I was somehow hoping that dignosis would help in a more practical way - i.e. access to resources, support groups, etc...
It did not quite happen, which is a bit of a shame - we know of no-one else in similar situation than ours, which is OK when all is well.
I must also add, however, that DH is very very kind and supportive, and by no way mean for all my disorganisation. Just annoyed and frustrated.
Mind you, I am annoyed and frustrated by him being so uptight on routine / order etc.
It got better when DD was born - I was glad to see that he connects well with her, more than I had anticipated.

The diagnosis process might help, as having a thrid party piecing everything together might get him to see your struggles, and you to see his.

Probably - ie almost certainly, but no diagnosis - not the right generation and unwilling. I too am disorganised in my home life. DH finds it hard to cope with change, uncertainty, expressing emotion (although he has become a bit better at that down the years), groups of people (ditto). That said, he is amusing, intelligent, well read, witty, kind, unstacks the dishwasher, loads and unloads the washing machine, changes lightbulbs and brings me cups of tea and I taught him to change nappies... and he adores ds.

I think diagnosis would have helped and I also would have found it helpful to meet other partners. There is helpful online guidance for partners of people with AS through the national autistic society, I think. Once I realised that it wasn't me being unreasonable nor him being deliberately difficult it all became much easier to cope with. But it's still testing from time to time, for both of us. Feel free to pm me if you want

marasme and spendthrift - I think kids have helped dh but weakened us as a couple. my dh is a very hands off dad in terms of looking after my ds and dd, but they do get hugs and kisses. whilst dh would never want a hug for his own sake, he likes because they like it. also he is a very grumpy person and has had to learn to disguise his moods in front of them.

from my point of view, the support, emotional and practical is just not there. I wanted children, he didnt understand the need for them and certainly wasnt going to be changing nappies or getting up early or changing his routine, and I feel like a single parent with 3kids.

I dont think aspergers changes whether someone is nice or not, but it makes it harder for them to be nice if it is not in there nature. maybe I need that diagnoses to understand where he is coming from.

crap - wrote a big reply which got swallowed by the system :(

i was saying:
true - asperger does not make people nice / mean.

DH is very nice, does loads. We have got a good system going:
he does all the routine / programmed stuff: empty dishwasher, washing up, laundry, etc.
I do the non-routine, less programmable stuff: bills, finances, confrontational stuff, 'creative cooking', shopping, organise social stuff etc.

For the emotional side of things, we used to go dancing before DD (and still sometime do). It helped loads - DH had to obviously hold me, take the lead etc. Whereas books did not help much if at all.

Re. the diagnosis - beware: it might work against you :) DH used it against my nagging, saying that he is the way that he is and cannot change / adapt...
there is a lot of Asperger tests, ranging from simple to complex - have you tried those with him to check the result, but also discuss the main asperger 'areas'?
here www.aspergers.com/aspcrit.htm

thanks marasme, i will certainly have a look x