DP lies to me

[iarebaboon]

Last night it came to light that DP had been dishonest about something (nothing very important) and when he was put on the spot as it were, he looked me in the eye and lied. He lied and lied. The most ridiculous, obvious lies

This has happened many times over the years

To me it signals a complete lack of respect and the long and short of it is I have no faith in him, can't trust him and am deeply hurt that he thinks that I am someone he needs to, or wants to, be dishonest with

I confront him, he retreats, tries briefly to justify the unjustifiable then goes silent and avoids me. I have to deal with the hurt and anger and then I have to let it go, because he sure as hell won't make any move towards reconciliation

I'm sick of it. It's happened too many times, always about trivial matters but it hurts so much that I am someone to be deceived rather than us being united and 'in it together'

He's killed any affection I had for him. I already had no trust in him. Our relationship is not what I want a relationship to be, but im fed up of doing all the running to try to improve it. Not sure I even want to. What a mess

I think if you read your post back then you will see your answer written there. Is there any reason why you can't leave your partner? Unless there are some major up-sides that you haven't mentioned here then it sounds like you've tried everything to improve the relationship and it really sounds like it's him, you can't change him and it's time to cut your losses. If it's been going on for a while and there's no immediate need to leave, perhaps you can make a plan to move away - get yourself organised first so that there's less of a shock for you to deal with. Do you have children? Do you have friends and family around?

I don't know if this helps but my ex was like this. He would lie about anything and everything. Even things where there was no logical reason at all.

When challenged he would get nasty and usually threaten to leave.

TBH any lying now would be a complete deal breaker for me. Its rubbish isn't it x

Yup. It's shit

We have two small DC. Have recently bought a house. I am weak

These are the reasons I'm still here

:(
In that case, you have some tough decisions to make. I doubt it will get any better and as ,milehigh suggests its probably time to plan an exit strategy.

Does he lie to everyone else too? Mine did. Its exhausting and no amount of logic or reasoning makes any difference. The thing is they actually mke their life so unecesarily complicated too...

Oh OP, I'm sorry.

What is lying all about then especially if it's these careless lies about inconsequential stuff? Is it part of a wider problem? Insecurity? Maybe if people on here can help with answering that, you can get a firmer handle on him and decide how to move forward.

**
Where's he been
What he did
What he ate
Everything
Things people said.. would lie to try and stir things
If we were out and someone phoned him up and he would lie to them about what he was doing in front of me for no reason whatsoever! (i.e tell them he was somewhere else, with someone else doing something else.

I actually came to the conclusion (eventually) that he was/is a sociopath..
Sorry OP for the highjack!

He says he lies because he knows how I'll react'

Well if he knows I'll be cross, for whatever reason, can't he trust that reason is a good and valid one, and so not do whatever the thing may be

Alternatively if my reasons for reacting that way are not, for him, valid ones then he should be man enough to justify them to me and stand up for what he wants or believes to be acceptable

His whole raison de être is to have an easy life. He just wants to plod along and if by lying he cab maintain a hassle free life then he will. Trouble is it almost always comes to light, by which point I couldn't give a shit about the subject matter. All I can see is pointless, stupid, relationship destroying bollocks

If I can turn a blind eye then life is good, fun, easy. If I allow myself to be bothered, really bothered things fall apart

It's easy to let it go and carry on, but then it happens again and around we go. I get hurt, upset, angry. I fester. No solution is found or reassurance given. Eventually I have to let it go. But it doesn't go. It adds itself to the catalogue of disappointments that my life is becoming

P is emotionally immature. Hevdoesnt realise that when I let it go, it's not actually gone. He doesn't realise he needs to do anything. He thinks if he keeps quiet and out of my way itll blow over. And in fairness it usually does

Sorry for the length of my posts

So he blames you for it... nice..

That's what I said. Somehow it all becomes about me. My (anticipated) reaction made him lie, now I'm making a big deal of it, then I have to decide how long I 'keep up' my anger. Then I have to back down and allow life to return to how it was before

It's so frustrating. I had that for years with x. Really pointless obvious lies that a 6yr old might tell. Would never admit to anything until it was proven. Without trust there is nothing. we split but I still see him because of the boys and I still can't believe a word he says ever! I also got the line 'its easier to lie so as not to piss you off' Such bollocks

"I have to let it go"

You don't have to let it go. You can tell him he has to do X or Y will happen. ANd stick to it. Demand the respect you deserve. Refuse to take his crap. You deserve better and so do your children. You don't want them thinking it is fine to lie to the person they love.

My husband did something he knew I wouldn't like. When I caught him out he admitted it straight away. Decent men might make mistakes but they don't lie their way out of it or blame their partner.

You sound so worn down, sad and knackered . Make today the day you start building your new life.

You need to talk to him, tell him that what he does makes you feel X. (I tell my children they get into more trouble for the lying than the first misbehaviour.) Tell him what you want from him and ask him if he feels he can give you/do that. Then you have go move on from there.

Good luck.

No FAB I don't

I have tried all that, as you can tell from my mammoth posts I'm quite vocal and don't shy away from telling him exactly how I feel

Thing is he can't (or won't) change. I do either have to back down or finish our relationship

We have bills, responsibilities, debts, same as everyone I suppose

Last night I proposed we continue to live together, are civil and friendly, but the emotional part of our relationship is finished

I think we could do this. I know he could. He is so passive he would.

That sounds so sad and such a waste when you could be with someone who enhances your life and makes the world a better place for you because they are in it with you.

Well yes, that would certainly be preferable

I'm sorry but he isn't going to change. Why should he? He lies, you get mad, he waits for you to back down which you do. He has no incentive to change.

I agree with FAB's last post, you deserve better than this. You deserve someone who respects you and loves you enough to want to change.

What kind of example are you giving your children if you live together with no emotional connection?

Would you then mind if he went out with other women? If he brought them home? If he went on holiday with them?

I'd say that if you can't trust him, you shouldn't live with him. I hate saying this, but look at the Entitled To website to see whether you could manage on your own.

There are always reasons not to leave a relationship but there are usually many more reasons to leave it (bad ones obviously).

Your happiness matters. You do sound sad, tired and like you've given in. That isn't any way to live. Do yourself and your dcs a favour and get the happy you back. If that means splitting up, then do it.

Why don't you explore what splitting up would entail in practical terms? It sounds like you are (understandably) fearful of physically leaving and you describe yourself as in a weak position. However if you find out more specifically what would be involved financially, practically and logistically you might feel better. You'll then take away the fear of the unknown and be able to see a challenge - to find somewhere else to live, to finance that, to see what help you're entitled to from your partner and through benefits etc, if relevant.
Then you can at least asses more accurately whether the costs and hassles of moving out are worth facing or whether you are better to put up with the situation you have (it doesn't sound like you're very hopeful of changing your partner's behaviour significantly) with its benefits (ie a house and associated security).

If you plan to leave someday but not right now, try think through what the steps and milestones are. Do you need to get a job/change job; get new skills; save money; find out about certain things; build up friendships to support you; get some councelling to help you build confidence? I don't know but some of these might be useful to do then you give yourself the option - you don't ever HAVE to take the option but you'll be able to choose to stay or go rather than feeling trapped.

However, having worked out the practicalities you might feel sufficiently equipped to decide to make the move sooner.

Thanks milehigh. That's great practical advice

DD is only 3 months old. I'm on SMP. DP earns less than I do (when I'm at work). We've just bought a house, with significant help from his parents. He's a fantasic father, if a rubbish partner

I need to do as you suggest and look at my options practically

I'm tired and can't think

Sounds like once you finish mat leave then you will be in quite a strong position. Forget the contribution that his parents have made - you can do it on your own if you have a good job - might take longer but it would be your own achievement. Anyway I'm glad you have options so remember that even if you decide to stay for a while, doesn't have to be forever. He can still be a good father even if you don't live with him. Good luck.

My soon to be ex lied because he felt he couldn't tell me because of my reactions too. e.g. he knew that if he told me he was sharing a hotel room with a woman that I thought he might be having sex with anyway, then I'd be 'over react' even though he was only doing this because his male friend who he could have shared with snores. I'm suspicious and unreasonable (!) because he wasn't having it off with this woman (no??) he was having it off with someone completely different who I hadn't found out about at that point. And he couldn't tell me about meeting up with her secretly behind my back (and several others) because he knew I'd over-react because I'm not very understanding when it comes to re-kindling relationships with ex's, flirting with other women and grooming women for affairs outside the marriage! You're dead right about the need or not to lie. Personally I don't lie because I haven't got anything to hide. If I would be ashamed about it to the extent of not wanting my partner to know then I just wouldn't do it. I think you're the same in that. I'm not saying your partner's cheating by the way, not at all. I'm just comparing excuses for lying.

My, now ex, husband is an out and out liar. He would also lie about relatively trivial things - e.g. - he would fall off the waggon, have a fag and when I would ask him if he had, he would say no over and over... He also used to say that the reason he lied is because he thought I would get angry or upset if he told the truth... so apparently my fault that he was a liar.

Things got more serious over the summer when I suspected that he was having an affair. He denied it and denied it. When I eventually found a second phone he lied about not having, he had no choice but to come clean... but again, I believe he lied about many things associated with this affair.

The affair made me realise that he had also lied to OW. She has realised this now and feels a fool though I have little sympathy for a woman who involves herself in a marriage where there are small children. He lied to his parents and brother - they had no idea what he was up to. He lied to his boss and colleagues to cover his tracks. I now think he believes his own lies.

Like you, I intially stayed because we had been married 10 years, have a house together and 2 young children. However, I did not trust or respect him and his behaviour made it clear that he did not love or respect me although he claims he does and writes me long rambling letters, begging me to take him back.

Starting out on my own with 2 children has been tough but nearly as tough as living with someone I didn't trust was.

Brokenlady - I agree with everything you've written there and recognise quite a lot of it. Not the drink and fag but the rest - yes. I was worried about how I would cope with house, kids, job but I seem to have a lot more time (and energy) now H is not around all the time.