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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD is taking drugs, don't know what to do.

57 replies

PowerlessNan · 04/01/2006 10:15

This is long and a bit complicated, so please bear with me. I split up with my dd?s father when she was 18mths old because he was a drug addict, he was smoking dope, injecting speed/cocaine etc, taking acid, infact anything he could get his hands on (I?m not 100% if he was taking heroin or not).

I fought access because he was violent and out of his head most of the time. Eventually when she was three and able to speak for herself a bit she started to tell exactly what was happening during access visits and how she came to have bruises on her. At last the social services believed me and access was stopped.

At last my beautiful daughter was safe, I brought her up single-handedly (my family had disowned me years before when I took up with her father, yes; I know I was young and stupid!) I thought I had done a very good job of bringing her up and when she had her first dd I was such a proud Nan. She is 24 yrs old and has since had another dd.

What I didn?t know was that while she was pregnant with her first she had got in touch with her father behind my back as she had learned that he had had other kids. I can?t blame her for it; I suppose it?s natural to want to know. I noticed she started to change, I thought it was pnd at first, but it was much worse, he had introduced her to drugs. I eventually found out when it was too late.

I have tried to talk to her, tried to make her see what drugs are doing to her. I pointed out to her that most of her father?s friends have died before the age of 45, some over-dosed, some died of cancer and some have committed suicide (I am convinced that all of the deaths were drug related). She won?t listen to me, she says she needs it, can?t cope without it, she says she is only taking puff.

Yesterday she turned up at my home crying, when I asked her what was wrong she replied that she hadn?t got any ?stuff? and she had to go to her fathers to get some. She told me that she was craving so badly that she nearly shook her 5mth old dd in frustration. She then left the kids with me and left. She came back 3 hours later smashed out of her skull to pick up the girls. I kept on making up reasons for her to stay so that I could gauge her ability to look after the girls. I fed the kids and kept them here until it was nearly their bed-time so all she had to do was put them to bed.

I?m at a loss to know what to do, my beautiful dd that I fought so hard to protect and that I was so proud of has changed into some-one I hardly recognise. I fear for my grand daughters. I feel totally powerless.

I hate to say it but why couldn?t her father have died a long time ago before she got in touch with him again?

OP posts:
anniemac · 04/01/2006 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lilianna · 04/01/2006 11:14

Im really sorry to hear this. It sounds as if your dd has depression and looked for a way out - drugs is her answer. Im sorry to hear she has become addicted but unfortunatly there is no help out there until she can admit to herself and others that she has a problem. The children are now in the middle, drugs comes above them im afraid to say and being there nan your first responsibility is to make sure the children are safe you can then help your dd . The children need a stable mother- that may have to be you.

littlerach · 04/01/2006 11:16

"Puff" an also refer to heroin, as in chasing the dragon, Puff the Magic Dragon, IYSWIM.

Generally this would be smoking it, not injecting it.

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 04/01/2006 11:18

Thank you anniemac, I've already done the detective thing, I have found evidence of puff, nothing else, but the way she 'needs' it is cause for concern and makes me think that maybe she is taking somthing else. I'm searching the internet for advice, I know that we have a drugs advisary clinic in our town, I'll get in touch and see what they say.

I want my daughter back!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PowerlessNan · 04/01/2006 11:23

Also having been there with her father, her 'addiction/craving' is so different from her fathers. He became pale, shaky and aggressive, it was a real physical need, with dd it seems to be more emotional than physical.

OP posts:
beejay · 04/01/2006 12:06

That's what makes me think she is psychologically addicted to cannabis.

Toothache · 04/01/2006 12:19

My big sister has a real problem with cannibis at the moment and has had for years. She's 29 now and thankfully has no children. She has also had problems with coke too. The hash makes her very paranoid. According to her there is always someone talking about her/bitching about her/out to get her.... and as a result she's always out in the street shouting at people and making a right twat of herself. She's well known in her neighbourhood by the police too as she's forever calling them out to arrest whoever might be after her that night (usually noone in particular, one night she tried to get my Mum arrested)!

Has your dd become irrationally paranoid?

And when you say 'out of it' what did she look like?

pooka · 04/01/2006 13:19

I also remember having a meltdown, a long long long time ago, when promised stash of cannabis didn't arrive. Was really tearful and edgy. Cut back massively and then gave up as a result.

LynseyM · 04/01/2006 14:00

I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Anotherway you might be able to find out what she is taking is the amount of money she is spending. My brother had taken drugs for years, all kids. It was only when he started taking heroin when I noticed a difference in him. He craved the herion so bad and was out his face 24/7. He was also in huge debt on herion it was a £100 a day habit for him. I had never seen him soo out if it. He was almost dunk like, lost loads of weight and walked withheavy feet.
If it is heroin your local gp can also help. At the end of the day it was my family my bro turned to when he had nothing left and he is now clean has a job etc. He really had to hit rock bottom before picking himself back up again. We didnt know about the heroin for 2 years, he was sly and a liar at the time.
I hope everthing works out for you and your daughter and the kids. and keep in touch

LynseyM · 04/01/2006 14:01

sorry that should be all kinds of drugs. Had no sleep last night.cant type today.

madmarchhare · 04/01/2006 14:24

Are the kids fed, dressed in clean clothes, at nursery on time, bathed, in bed at a reasonable hour and loved to bits by your DD?.

If they are, then I dont see that SS can do anything anyway (assuming that she is only smoking dope).

Have you talked with her, I mean really talked with her, or do you always just end up rowing about smoking and her dad?

Smoking dope, although not ideal, isnt the worst thing she could be doing. I hope this doesnt sound patronising but, is there any chance you could be seeing the situation as worse than it is. I really dont mean to offend you by saying that, it is really difficult to get things across by just typing words. I think that because of this it is vital that you can speak with someone face to face to help you get a clearer picture of the situation.

You are deservedly upset, especially after what her dad put you through, but I wouldnt do anything too rash just now unless you truly believe your GDs to be in danger.

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 04/01/2006 15:11

madmarchhare, the kids are always clean and fed. Dd loves them to bits, but I am worried about the effect it is all having on her emotionally, she has suffered with depression in the past and fear that the dope and renewing the relationship with her father has brought it back again.

I fear for my granddaughters being brought up in this kind of atmostphere. I don't want my dgd's to think that drugs are 'normal'. Dd feels that she cannot cope unless she is 'off her face' and that is no way for my dgd's to be brought up or no way for my dd to feel.

Its also hard to get my head around the fact that she renewed this relationship after knowing what he was and what he did to her. He is a well known drug dealer around here, he is known for being violent and for being someone you don't cross. I don't want him influencing my dd or my dgd's. Also its hard to get my head around the fact that he is very happy to give his dd drugs and get her 'smashed' knowing that a lot of his friends have died and he is willing to put his own daughter at risk.

She is my daughter, I love her and my dgd's with all of my heart and I am scared what will become of them in the future if drugs and him feature in the long run and this sounds terrible I know, but I can't help thinking that it would be a good thing if this 'man' would take an overdose.

I feel guilty for thinking it but...

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 05/01/2006 10:24

What was your relationship with your daughter like?, and what is it like now? Does she see your fears?

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:39

Hello madmarchhare, my relationship with my dd has always been good, but now I find myself wanting to give her a good shake and telling her to get a wake up and get a grip.

Her life is so 'disorganized' (not that there is anything wrong with disorganized) its just that she can't cope with the disorganization, she needs and always has needed things around her to be calm and 'just so'.

I know that with two young kids things are never really organized but I have watched her home and her deteriorate so much over the couple of years.

I know that some days she can't be bothered to get dressed, wash her face and her and the kids are very often in their pj's if I go round at 3pm. The house is a mess, she can't find anything, she get frustrated because she can't cope living in such a disorganized home, so she has a joint and then just looks at it. Most of the time if she has an appointment (for instance) I have to go and orgainize her and the kids getting ready or she will be an hour late (if she makes the appointment at all).

Once again I must make it clear that there is nothing wrong with a disorgainzed home, it?s just that dd can not cope living that way.

I've tried to help her and get the house straight but I get it all looking lovely, she is really pleased and vows to keep it like it but her brothers and sisters (from her fathers side) come round all get stoned and wreck the place and she is to stoned to do get it back in order again.

I realize that she is suffering from depression but she wont go to the gp, she is trying to self medicate with the dope but it only makes things worse for her.

I wish I could make her see sense, she used to be an energetic, fun, lovely, caring person, with the ability to cope with life, but now the story is so different.

I was talking to my dp and he told me that I protected her when she was a child but now she is an adult and I can?t protect her from herself. He is right I know, but its heart breaking.

I wish I could convince her to go the gp and talk about her depression and her reliance on drugs to get her through.

OP posts:
Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:42

She knows she is not coping, but she thinks the only thing that helps her is to get stoned.

OP posts:
Toothache · 05/01/2006 12:43

Powerlessnan - She sounds so like me when I had PND. You know you're right..... she's using the hash as a means of escape... or a way to cope (ie NOT cope!).

I drank quite alot then, although not until ds was in bed. I remember that feeling all too well and your dd will just feel like its the only way, no matter what you tell her. I'm being much help, but just to let you know that I did recover.

Toothache · 05/01/2006 12:45

Oops, posts crossed! And I meant to say I'm not being much help. You can't force her to go to the GP. DH couldn't force me to go either. He contacted the HV who just said that I needed to go to her myself. Great eh! Have you thought about contacting her HV? Mine really regretted not answering my DH's cry for help on my behalf.

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:46

Toothache, did you seek help?

OP posts:
Toothache · 05/01/2006 12:48

Eventually, after 18mths and I found Mumsnet! Does she post on MN? Could you introduce her to it???

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:51

The HV was aware that she was depressed but dd came up with a story that she was depressed because of a social situation in her life at that time but that situation has now been resolved so the HV thinks that she is ok now.

I think she is terrified that the kids may be taken from her if she admits that she cant cope. I have told her that is not the case, they will just do everything they can do to help her recover and there would be no suggestion of the kids being taken from her because of pnd, (sadly they might if her taking drugs becomes more of a problem).

OP posts:
Toothache · 05/01/2006 12:55

PN - Those words could've been coming from my mouth then. I waited until I was a bit stronger before I went for help.... defeats the purpose eh!
I'd speak to her HV again and let her know that your dd's depression is continuing and you're very worried about her.

Toothache · 05/01/2006 12:56

Also, if it is just Hash she's smoking then I think its unlikely that the kids would ever get taken away from her anyway.

Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:56

I did when she was expecting dgd2 but it didn't 'grip' her like it has me! She wasn't that interested. Maybe if she had her own computer she might, but if she were to post it would have to be on mine and she might be worried that she couldn't say what she really felt incase I saw it.

I bet everybody says things on here that they wouldn't want their Mum to hear (remembering the small willy thread ).

OP posts:
Original poster
PowerlessNan · 05/01/2006 12:59

Think that talking to the HV again is a really good idea, would she tell dd that I had called though? I think that it would make her angry if she knew and she might tell me to get stuffed or something and I need to be in her life to support her and dgd's, she needs someone to be the voice of reason ATM.

OP posts:
Toothache · 05/01/2006 13:04

PN - Well my HV never mentioned to me that DH had called her. He eventually told me. I think if you can make it clear to her that you want it to look just like a social call.... an informal "How's things?" type of thing. I mean her 2nd dd is only 5mths old so she will be due a check-up with the HV at the clinic anyway, won't she? She could ask then.