Atricle about a male online porn junkie

[MillyStar]

I thought you lot mind find the following link interesting, the subject seems to pop up on here a lot

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2062466/Confessions-online-porn-junkie.html

That's an interesting article, but he's projecting a lot of his own assumptions and opinions onto all men, and all women for that matter.

His world is very black and white isn't it. All men love porn. All men view relationships as a way to get regular sex. All women don't like porn. All women use regular sex as a way to consolidate emotional investments.

Actually I think he's just a little garden variety misogynist who for his own reasons and inadequacies is incapable of sustaining a real relationship with a real person. He has an inkling that his porn use is tied up in this somewhere but that's about as far as he's got.

What an odd article. The bit at the end particularly weird warning women that ordinary men they deal with day to day will have viewed obscene things on line. Surely thats THEIR issue not ours - nothing to do with me if a guy I work with is a perv thats his problem not mine.

Hope these guys are happy wanking away at their computers missing out on real life, fun and loving relationships. Still better they do that then inflict themselves on anyone else I say.

I read that article and thought he has massive problems with regards to the whole issue of intimacy. He's also mired in denial.

It's quiet a brave article for him to have written despite his generalisations

Yes, it is only one man's experience. But this article provides more evidence of the impact of porn particularly on young people. The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People.

I've written on here before about porn use and how guilty I feel about it. He strikes a chord. The ease of its availability does mean men like me have grown up with it and use it too often, but it's there within a few clicks of the mouse

What is it about your porn use that makes you feel so guilty Guiltychap, out of interest.

Two aspects - there's a risk that the people participating are in someway being coerced or harmed (something that the guy in the article doesn't pick up on) and secondly, that of the risk of how it may change my relationships with women, etc

It's more than just a small risk Guiltychap. If you view porn regularly you have without a doubt witnessed women who are being coerced into participating, and also abused and harmed physically and emotionally by their involvement in the porn industry. Do you honestly believe the majority of those women are genuinely enjoying themselves?

It's no good claiming to feel guilty but carrying on regardless. You have a choice you know. You could choose to opt out.

That's no doubt true, but it's not doubt true I've worn clothes produced by child labour, or used a computer produced by someone on slave labour. I currently have 35 slaves working for me - but because I don't know which ones specifically, it's not easy to opt out of using a computer because there may be slavery involved somewhere.

slaveryfootprint.org/

That's a little different though isn't it. You need clothes as an essential part of life. Presumably you need to use a computer too for both proffessional and personal reasons.

You do not need pornography to be able to function in the world.

I would agree that we cannot completely remove ourselves from complicity in all the worlds abuses and inequalities. But there are some things we can control. And your pornography use is one of them.

I agree with what you're saying, but you don't need an i-pod, but I've got one.

I think the problem is that except for the nastier stuff, it's very difficult, if not impossible to know that someone is being coerced, and therefore very easy to distance yourself.

Doesn't it just turn you off knowing you might be watching a rape?

You are an adult with free choice and presumably a mind of your own , yes?

I won't buy battery farmed eggs because I would feel guilty for eating them, it is easy to make the choice to buy free range /fairtrade/ethically produced stuff as it is made obvious what you are buying - you could, if you wished, choose to buy ethically produced porn, it is out there and you would be as sure (as you could be ) that the performers were there by choice and treated fairly/not coerced into acts that they didn't feel comfortable with.

At the end of the day it's simple - if you feel that porn use is harmful to you and your relationship, then don't use it, nobody is standing behind you holding a gun to your head.

It's good that he's talking about how easily available pornography is, including to children. That's one of the most worrying aspects of it.

He should be honest that he likes watching women prostituted on film for his own enjoyment though. That doesn't appear to be an issue for him, nor for you "guilty"(not very apparently)chap.

I've heard this same argument being made by men defending their use of prostitutes, ie how am I supposed to know who is and isn't being coerced, therefore it's not my responsibility if I inadvertently have sex with a prostitute who is.

However, if you know that the vast majority of sex workers are forced into it through violence, trafficking, addiction or poverty, then surely the onus is on you to avoid being an abuser by not using them.

I think you've hit the nail right on the head when you talk about the distancing Guiltychap. Pornography by its very nature dehumanises the women participating so instead of seeing perhaps a young single mother struggling with sexual abuse issues from her past, who has no money to live on and who actually finds having a stranger ejaculate on her face mildly repulsive, you just see a generic barbie doll fuck machine.

That can't make you feel good surely? And if it does, it makes me despair to be honest.

my husband has a problem with this. Its a double edged sword. He says he wants "real life"sex but a young family etc means that doesn't happen often. And now I have found out about his "habit" I am completely turned off. And so the cycle gets deeper. I fear for our marriage. And I have no idea how to tackle it

Can he not just have a wank without the porn? Does he know how much it upsets you?

yes he does know how much it upsets me and no it seems he can't stop. Beyond this he is a great father and I care for him deeply. Other issues mean I struggle to trust him, his internet obsession goes further to online dating and chatrooms (this has apparently ended now) but the trust is shot to peices, when it comes to the internet and porn it seems there are different rules Our kids adore daddy and I still love him but am struggling to see what I gain interms of an adult relationship.

Thing is the men who do this get off on the exploitation and vulnerability of the women they are using. It's not a side effect, it's intended.

He's not a great father if he's making the mother of his children so unhappy tuffin. Porn is not a necessity. He's basically saying that it's more important than your feelings.

I know But I can't stop him only he can do that and I am tired of trying to fix everything

Im reposting something that i posted on another thread a while back. Im not reposting the complete comment i made but here is the main part.

Porn really is not the harmless thing many make it out to be.

I will share a little of our history as an illustration of where it can lead.

DH was a heavy porn user a few years ago and we had some serious intimacy issues. He had became so desensitised by looking at porn that he was virtually unable to have a normal sexual relationship. It took some serious couples counselling to pull us through that period. I sat down with DH one afternoon and went through exactly what I didn't like about his addiction. We looked at the lives of the performers and the risks they faced. We also looked honestly at the impact it had already ad on our lives and our relationship.
DH decided that porn was not worth losing what we had over and sought professional help to deal with his side of the issue.
What we both learned is that the porn had replaced healthy lust and sex with a warped substitute that killed the intimacy we had. I don't totally blame DH as I had always been fine with his porn viewing (as I had been with my ex's). But we learned the hard way what it can do to a loving relationship.

DH no longer views porn as harmless, and no longer watches it as in his own words to a friends teenage son "it messes with what you think is right and normal and almost stopped me functioning as a normal bloke in the bedroom"

OP don't get too hung up about the pop-ups as I even get them from film sites and other places (had one offering me the opportunity to enlarge my penis the other night). But I think the lies have to stop right now.
Feel free to show him my post if you think it will help any. To many people think it is all just harmless fun.

Guilty - no pressure on you but just have a read through and place yourself in my DH's position. That is the unfortunate reality of where we ended up. I used to be a defender of a persons right to look at porn if it suited them, and while I dont tell ppl how to live I want others to realise that there are risks and pitfalls involved.

tuffin - would your DH consider reading my post as well?

Does no one notice that the website that has been blurred out is the BBC one?

It has been annoying me since I saw the article - ok so they may not have wanted to show a hardcore site, but why choose the BBC site. Apart from the fact the DM is so anti-BBC.

Surely they could have blurred out at least some women in bikini site - or something less recognisable!