AIBU to not take back ex- H that's threatening suicide?

[Hidinginthewoods]

I'm new to all this, so not sure how much to say... basically ex H is an alcoholic/ depressed. He took an overdose a few nights ago after storming out drunk. Didnt know till he texted our DD the next day to say unless I take him back he'll kill himself :(
Am completely at a loss to know how to handle this, relationship is clearly over but am so scared of him following thru and DD is beside herself. Anyone out there any exp of this type of thing?
Trying to keep my sanity right now!

What an arse to frighten your dd and emotionally blackmail you all. If you think he really might try suicide, contact the local mental health services team so he can be assessed.

Did he really take an overdose, or is it just something he's saying or exaggerating for dramatic effect?

Does he have any family?

He is not your responsibility, and you're not qualified to 'save' him. Only he can save himself.

You need more help than I can give (no experience) but you may want to ask MN HQ to move this thread to "Relationships". AIBU can be a bit brutal.

FWIW, I think you are right to keep him at a distance. He is manipulating you and using your DD to make it worse. My dad is an alcoholic so I have first hand knowledge of how damaging this can be for a child. IMO, you will be doing her a favour to keep him away from her. Lots of people on here will disagree with me.

Have you considered speaking with Al-Anon? They offer support to families affected by alcohol. They can probably advise you.

Good luck. x

no yanbu. stay firm, he is not your responsibility. you need to look after yourself and your dd.

it's tough but good luck

Get DD to talk to someone in Young Addaction - and yourself some support.

IF he does do it, it is HIS choice and neither of you could have stopped it or shoulder ANY responsibility.

You need support, regardless... ring them tomorrow

here

Thanks. Didnt expect so many great replies :)
I contacted Al-Anon the nite b4 all this happened... they've been great but lifes not really that black and white is it !?!
Ex has tried all sorts of things to get me to take him back ( he had an emotional affair with a colleague) and I thought we were making steps towards a reconciliation that worked for us both, then he went and got drunk and took an overdose :(
Point being it's quite hard to make yourself fall out of love with someone who clearly needs help.
My poor DD and my other DC's dont need this but I feel helpless to make it all right.

I think he did o/d as he is on strong medication for sleeping and anxiety problems and was treated at A & E. Also the OW that he 'happened' to be on-line chatting to posted something about it on FB. He's said he'll do it again so now I'm having to dispense his meds to him daily, even tho we live apart!

First off, you need to change your DD's number and remove his number from her phone. Draconian I know, but better for her even though she may not appreciate that right now.

Then you do need to detach. Stop taking responsibility for his medication, he is using his threats and your willingness to be needed, as a way to wheedle his way back in. Generally speaking, if someone is genuinely suicidal they dont make a big thing about telling people. DH and his BF found their ex housemate hanging in his bedroom when he was much younger. It has stayed with him to this day, over 20 years later. He still gets jittery about walking into empty houses alone (the friend who died wasnt supposed to be in so they werent expecting anyone to be there, they went into his room as they heard a noise but they were too late to save him). And his cousin also commited suicide, after showing no inclination at all, but it came out afterwards that he was severely depressed. When I was ill, I was suicidal but told no one. I planned it to the last detail and part of that plan was to make sure no one knew incase they tried to stop me :(

This is his way of emotionally blackmailing you and will stop as soon as you stop giving into it. But counselling and support for you and your DC is a priority, so put your energy into getting that instead. Take care x

He's said he'll do it again so now I'm having to dispense his meds to him daily, even tho we live apart!

You don't "have" to do it, no. It isn't your responsibility. He isn't your responsibility (although he would like that to be the case). Let him take care of his own medication.

Threats of suicide in order for you to take him back are emotional blackmail, and the fact that he issued this threat via your daughter - an impressionable child - is so very very nasty and wrong. It was done to add an extra layer to the emotional blackmail, with no thought of how it could affect DD (which it will have).

How is she taking it? Have you spoken about it - or has she been able to speak about it to another adult she trusts?

Threats of suicide are very, very common from disordered people who feel their partner is detaching. Whether he does or doesn't is his decision. Again: you are not responsible for him, his health, or his emotional wellbeing. Only he is.

If he threatens again then phone policeand tell them you worried for safety - you will be reassured that he is then not your responsibility and he will learn he can't make blackmailing threats. It doesn't matter if he is genuinely suicidal or not - you are not qualified to deal with it.

He texted your daughter to tell her he was going to kill himself if you didn't take him back?

That is evil.

How manipulative and abusive of him.

No. You are not being unreasonable to not take him back.

You do need to protect your daughter though. Change her number, as others have said.

And stop dispensing his meds to him.

Stop it.

He is not your responsibility.

Don't you see that he is using this to exert control over you?

He is trying to make you responsible for him. That is not acceptable. You do not have to comply.

feel responsible, that should read.

God, that is awful. How DARE he use his daughter to put pressure on you. What an absolute arse. How old is your daughter?

Read about emotional abuse here it sounds like he is very good at it.

He is abusing you and abusing your daughter. Don't let him do this.

Cut off contact. Can you block his number on your DD's phone?

He is responsible for his own life. Not you.

My DD is 17, already affected by the breakdown of the marriage. When I finally got her to come home from her friends we did have a good chat about it. We're very close and are both devastated he's done this, he's not in the right head place to have even apologised yet! I've promised her I'll protect her and my 2 DS's from any further exposure to him like this, he's gone all distant and silent on me (i'm being punished I assume) as I didnt respond to his threats by letting him come 'home'.
Thanks, I do know he's controlling me... i cant help feel responsible for the well-being of him after 25 years together but am really trying to detach as I CAN see the marriage is over for good.
This is just the tip of the ice-berg and his finale when it comes to messing up my life
The things I've tolerated over the last few years are unbelievable but I will not let him mess up my DC's lives as well !!

Good for you, Hiding for protecting your DC. Your poor DD, I could cry for her. Does she have someone she can talk to? Aside from you?

You might like to look at the Abuse Survivors support thread on here, to speak to others who have been through this kind of shit.

If he kills himself that will be his fault entirely. Remember this, you are not to blame for his decisions. If he did actually want to die he'd have done it by now.

You can't do anything that keeps him in your life more than you want to be, if you are dispensing his medicines, does that mean he can force you to talk to him every day at a time that suits him? Does he get to come to your house so he can see who's in it? Give him back his meds, tell him to deal with it himself. If you really think he's a risk to himself, call the police/talk to his doctor. Tell yourself if he dies, it will be his fault not yours, and how fucking selfish to drag your DD into his drama. If he really cared about his DD he'd be trying to protect her from his problems, not highlighting them.

Point being it's quite hard to make yourself fall out of love with someone who clearly needs help.

That is very true. I think what you need to consider is that whatever help he actually needs, you are not the person who is best suited to delivering it. You are, presumably, not a qualified psychiatrist. You are not an experienced psychologist. You are not a alcohol dependency specialist. You are not a trained counsellor.

Most importantly, you are way too emotionally involved to be able to give him a disinterested ear and dispassionate advice. What he needs is professional help. You are not a professional in this area. The way for you to help him is to point him in the direction of the professionals.

Him saying to your daughter that he would kill himself if you didn't take him back was a grotesque and despicable act of emotional terrorism. If he really did take an overdose (and that's a very big "if") then his admittance to A&E would have come with the offer of a referral to local mental health services of some form. If he refuses the assistance of people who are trained and experienced in helping with issues such as this then that is his choice.

I know how hard this is for you. I had numerous claimed suicide attempts from my ex. I used to be beside myself with worry. I used to be on the phone with her for, literally, hours at a stretch trying to persuade her to go to the hospital. The last time she phoned saying that she's taken an overdose I decided to take a different approach. I confirmed where she was, put the phone down and called an ambulance for her (apparently when the ambulance turned up she sent them away). This was four years ago. She's never pulled that stunt with me again.

Alcoholics drag chaos and drama with them like a cloud. The more you can do to disengage with the crazy, the calmer and happier your life will be. I'd recommend you get a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie as it is written for people like you and me, people who are/have been in some form of relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts.

Oh, and I absolutely agree with all the other recommendations to stop dispensing his medication. If he can't be trusted with it then his GP can come up with an alternative solution to it. It is Not Your Problem to solve.

I would like to re-iterate what others have said. This man is abusive and his behaviour is damaging you and your daughter.

You are not qualified to deal with his distress. If he is suicidal then he needs to contact the samaritans or ask his GP to refer him to the crisis team.

You cannot detach yourself from this situation while you are still taking responsibility for his medication.

You can contact Women's Aid for advice and support. Threats of suicide are actually very commonly used by abusive people to try to emotionally blackmail their partners into staying with them. You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing, however you do need to look after your own.

I have pm'd you.

good grief no - leave him to his medication. he is not your repsonsibility.

yes i ahve got one of those exPs...

i know how hard it is but you have to completely detach and accept that he is an adult making his own decisions.

given he has been treated he has his own GP and medical profressionals.
it is no longer your job.

your job is you and your DC and helping them thru this.

the only people you shoudl be tlaking to about his meds is to relay info to his GP/medical team - then leave them to deal with it.

keep hi out of your home and as was suggested block his number from dd phone.

it wont be your responsibility if he does kill himself.

keep telling your dc he is ill but he can get help from medical people - not from you. that you, DD, DC cannot fix broken legs and you cant fix someone's head either. but their dad is an adult and he has to be the one seeking help. it is nothing you or they did.

any threats text messages etc - you call police (find out teh local non emrgency number to call) and pass on the details. that is all. dont go tor escue him or invite him into your home.

police will go check him out.

(i did this a few times, funny; each time they called me later to tell me that he had told them he was fine when they turned up....)

say nothing to him other than broken record technique:

you are not my repsonsibility.
I will not be involved with your medication.
you are not my child.
if you need help go to your GP or A&E.
stop harassing me .

I am the first to advocate children having contact with their fathers but there is a line.

You need to protect your DD from direct contact with her father and ensure that any contact is through you or in front of you until such times as he is more stable and can be trusted not to emotionally abuse her.

I don't have any experience of alcoholism so don't feel qualified in any way to offer more support except to say I hope it calms down soon for you all.

Those who say he is not your responsibility are right.

He is forcing you to take responsibility for his emotional and physical wellbeing, which is highly manipulative and a well recognised form of abuse.

The fact that he is trying to coerce you into tolerating his abysmal behaviour, and dancing to his tune via your daughter, proves what a supreme manipulator he is. His conduct is totally unacceptable.

You are not his mother, his nurse, his counsellor or his psychiatrist. If you crumble under the sort of pressure he is exerting on you, you will end up completely under his control for years., and the only one who will gain any benefit from that will be him....which let's face it, is all he's bothered about.

Your daughter and yourself come way down on his priority list. He behaves like this because he wants to control you...it's nothing to do with love.

i would agree with going no contact for DC until he gets better/takes repsonsbility/seeks help himself.

"when you are feeling better we can talk about contact".

for older DC support her to make the decision to cut contact for a bit too - eg set a time line- we wont see you for a fortnight to give you time to get medical help and get well.

if you feel contact is needed then only in public place for short time like a cafe.

What you have done to date has patently not worked so its now time for a rethink. Put you and your DD first as of now.

You cannot help him and more importantly he does not want your help. How can you possibly help someone like your H, you are too close to this to be of any real use and you are the last person who can help him. Dispensing his medication to him is enabling behaviour on your part and only gives you a false sense of control.

As others have said, if you really want to help him you must detach totally from him. You are not responsible for his actions and currently you are allowing him to drag both of you down with him.

There are no guarantees here; he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards. You are not responsible for either his alcoholism or depression.

You cannot put this right.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What came first btw; his alcoholism or his depression?. Both can be connected; alcohol can act as a depressant.