AIBU to not take back ex- H that's threatening suicide?

[Hidinginthewoods]

I'm new to all this, so not sure how much to say... basically ex H is an alcoholic/ depressed. He took an overdose a few nights ago after storming out drunk. Didnt know till he texted our DD the next day to say unless I take him back he'll kill himself :(
Am completely at a loss to know how to handle this, relationship is clearly over but am so scared of him following thru and DD is beside herself. Anyone out there any exp of this type of thing?
Trying to keep my sanity right now!

I had an ex once who threatened suicide when I refused to entertain getting back together with him.
I was in my late teens, but even at that age was resistant to emotional blackmail (it's my least favourite trait in people, along with those who lie) and told him that if he felt that way then his problems extended far beyond anything I could help with. Then I hung up.
About an hour or so later, another call saying he had taken shitloads of paracetamol.
God strike me down for being a hard faced cow, but I was furious with him for trying to force me into dancing to his tune like that, and told him he was wasting precious time calling me, when it was clearly an ambulance he needed.
Turned out to be a load of shit anyway. He was fine.
Never did take the pathetic wanker back.

hiding I feel for you, my DP of 20 years also tried to commit suicide earleir this year, actually he tried several times, @ the time I was devastated. It is hard to feel the same way about someone who could do that to his family. I think you sound like you are doing really well, and as everyone has said you need to take care of yourself and DC, he is a grown up. MHT and can sort him out. I think calling your DD was dispicable by the way, he sounds like a pathetic child.

GP could arrange for him to have meds on a daily prescription if he felt the risk warranted it too.

I had an ex that did this to me. It is awful but trust me he is unlikely to do it. In the end I passed the responsibility of it onto his parents. I just phoned them up and told them what he was doing and said that they now needed to deal with him. (which they did by give him a large kick up the arse literally!)

Is there anyone on his side of the family who you can speak to.

PS sometimes planning - in my head - exP's funeral post suicide helped - in a perverse kind of way....

who to invite what music to play etc.

think about it - how will his life be remembered right now? the man who destroyed his own life? not your responsibility

I read your original post and feel compelled to respond as I know EXACTLY how you feel and I want to discourage you from making the mistake that I have (anyone reading this from my thread Im sorry I darent post on there as feel so SO stupid)

My partner or AP as I call him (A meaning Arse, Abusive etc) had been abusive both emotionally and sexually since my DD was born 7 months ago. He has a history of depression and self harm. He went through hell as a child and I always thought i was helping him to get better. i was wrong. he was taking advantage of me, he was using me to make himself feel that he had some control over his life, he was using my existance to give himself a sense of normality - he made me scared to leave the flat without him, he did horrific things to "punish me" if I didn't make his lunch the right way, or didnt stick to my side of the bed. He had anorexia and would tell me that i was fat and disgusting until I thought i was the most repulsive creature on the planet. And some of the punishments he thought up were vile. At one point forcing me to pick human waste out of a toilet by hand. 2 weeks ago I managed to pluck up the balls to leave him. i fled 200 miles away to my parents house. He waited a week and a half and then when he knew no-one would be coming round and he wasnt expected anywhere he tried to kill himself. he nearly died.

I was overtaken by this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I rushed back, I sat in hospital and watched him wake from nightmares of what he'd done to me screaming like a child, I held him while he sobbed about the pain he had caused and how much he hated himself. He came home and I welcomed him and told him it would be a fresh start. 3 days. 3 DAYS and he's back to his old ways. not the sexual abuse but the subtle stuff. And I woke up at 3am last night in a panice because i had realised that he would never change. that he is sick, that nothing I can do will fix him.

Your ex-H is sick. He cannot be fixed by you. He is so unwell that he probably thinks he would actually be prepared to attempt suicide to get you to come back. that is not a sense of loss or love, its a desperate grab for control. DO NOT go back to him. Do not give in to him. DO NOT let the guilt take over and own you. PLease please do not make the mistake I have. Ive trapped myself with a monster and I cant see a way out. Do not allow yourself to become trapped too.

Weeble x

Oh Weeble. Very much of love to you. Good lord!!
You can leave again you know....you really really can xxx

weeble - you can leave again, you now know without a doubt that " nothing I can do will fix him. "

beleive it please. we right behind you in spirit!

yes my exP was also of the "if I didn't make his lunch the right way" variety... or if i dared to put say mayonnaise on something he had cooked etc.

Also on the point that attempting suicide is not normal behaviour when you lose someone you care about - I had a close relative who died suddenly when I was maybe 15/16. I couldnt cope with her death and had some sort of breakdown. At my lowest point I was found staggering down a dual carriageway saying that i was looking for her. I dont remember it but a police man had to wrestle me into a car and drive me to hospital. That is extreme distress due to the loss of someone who was everything to me. I was unwell. I did NOT try and kill myself. Your ex-H reaction to losing you is not normal grief at a relationship ending.

Also sending that text to your DD - that tells you all you need to know. He is trying to gain control by upsetting your DD - who willl then do all the pleading and begging for him. Stand your ground. You are the mum, the woman you know what is right. She is a child and scared. You need to be strong. dont allow her fear to force you into a bad decision. Show her how to deal with men like this, use this as an opportunity to be a role model for her in the future, you wouldnt want her to give into a man like this when she is your age - so set the right example.

Well said Weeble. Very much so.

I am very concerned for you now though. You must make a move to get out again. You KNOW it's not on...you sound so sorted and aware of that.

Cestla dont want to take over this thread!! Ive got one on OBTT. am trying to pluck up the courage to post there. Feel free to pop by though x

What's OBTT please - I would like to read your thread.

PMing you Pictish x

Ok thank you x

hi Weeble- read your thread, and wanted to post a reply, but deleted it, as was too lectury- hard lesson to lear, that, rest assured, we've all learned it the hard way, as you just have. Everybody has to be free to learn from their own mistakes. Next question is, what to do about it now?

Please come back to your own thread on otbt, no need for embarrasment!

(seperate post, as computer crashed)
OP, YANBU , of course.
Also been in that position. Listen to Weeble, and everyone else here. Do not take him back- this should be your reason to get further away from him, he is bad news, seriously.
While he puts the responsibility for his life and wellbeing on you, he is not going to get better, because why should he make an effort if it's your responsibility?

Stop accepting the responsibility, turn it around and back to him where it belongs. That goes for Medication, relationship with you/ DCs (none, currently, if he plays head games), job, abusive behaviour, alcohol, and even suicide.
It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM and you CAN NOT HELP HIM, he needs to get that.

Thanks, you've all really confirmed what I know and would advise someone else in my position to do.
I've told DD not to read future texts from him and to forward them onto me, delete them. I doubt he'd pull the same stunt again, or at least I hope he wont.
We've been sep almost a year and I am aware that some of my reactions to his mental health /alcohol issues have enabled him to carry on and justify his actions. I didnt realise how manipulative he was being, I was expecting him to fall off the wagon a few times but not all this suicidal drama.
Dispensing the meds... hard one as I know that's me enabling (again) but I thought it would help my DD to know he wouldn't be ABLE to o/d again, but obv he can get/buy other pills/alcohol anyway so you're probably all right about that too. I shall have a re-think.

He's spent most of the last year telling myself & DD that i'm not coping, which I definitely have been! I think when I found out about his affair he expected me to cry and beg him to stay but I was so angry and relieved after months of misery that I told him to leave. I've just lost both my parents to cancer and looking back he always jumped on my asking for help with our DC's and interpreted it as me not coping, when really as their dad he should've willingly helped.

Definitely controlling us...

Please do rethink it. If he really intends to kill himself, he will do it whether you control the medication or not. It just ties you to him.

I don't think that your dd should be forwarding the texts - take her phone/sim, get her a new one/sim and then you can have access to what he's saying, if you really think you want to. The chances are she'll keep reading them if he sends them, so just get her a new number he doesn't know. Turn it around from her sending them on to you - instead you can forward any pleasant normal texts from him to her, while protecting her from the drama. She's too young for his crap.

Thanks Buzz, good advice and I'll have a word with DD later. You're right, she doesn't need all this, thank god my DS's are too young to understand- tho I'm sure they're still picking up the under-currents!

Wobbled- hope you're ok, glad if anything my post has made you open up about what you're going thru ;) Hope you find the strength to leave again x Please dont feel trapped, we can both do this !!!!

cestlavie-Lolled at that... I may do just that !

catsdontcare- I told his parents immediately (against his wishes) think they're also at a loss as to what to do, MIL suggested marriage guidance !?! Put her straight about that one.