Sexual problems with DH - have absolutely no idea how to resolve them.

[LadyFrancesMountingCockburn]

A bit of background.
My husband has quite a small penis that he has negative feelings about. He claims since he was circumcised as an eight year old it has desensitized it. He didn't experience his first orgasm until in his mid- twenties as 'it didn't work'.
He had two sexual relationships before ours, both of which he claims he never orgasmed through sex. He has rarely managed it within our marriage and instead manually masturbates himself afterwards.
I find it all a bit odd.
I have had very good sexual relationships in the past and find this strange.
I have tried to help him by various means interms of increasing senstivity by asking he touch himself less roughly. He masturbates harder than anybody I have ever been with. That has work to a certain extent..........
We now have an issue whereby we hardly ever have sex. He often loses his erections. Plainly he just prefers to masturbate or have me do it for him.
I just want a normal warm loving sex life. I try and make the best of myself and am not unattractive.
I have never criticised him but have been open about needing to work through this. It has now got to the point where it is eroding my sexual confidence.
Has anyone had any similar experiences? Any advice welcome.

Is he interested in making any effort to improve the situation? Or does he just expect you to put up with it? The bottom line is: you can improve your sex life with a man whose technique/physique aren't up to scratch if he is willing to work with you. You can't do anything about a man who is selfish and thinks that women's sexual needs are unimportant.
If he is willing to change things, psychosexual counselling should help.

He cares about my sexual needs in so far as wanting to manually give me an orgasm. It is not the same for me as sex. I really enjoy intercourse above all!
I have tried all sorts of things in terms of leaving sex off the agenda and being close in other ways and building up to it slowly. I have tried dressing up in things he claims to like.
I just feel like after ten years of trying that this may be as good as it gets and that's really depressing.
We have a good relationship in other respects.

I would definitely suggest counselling with a sex therapist.

And if he won't go, then as SGB says, you know where you stand.

Perhaps there's a physical reason that could be sorted?
8 seems very old for a circumcision, what was the rationale for that?

I have done a bit of research and implemeted some of the techniques. Obviously they haven't resolved the issues. My friend has done a counselling course and has given me a few pointers. Again this hasn't proved successful.

Has anyone any experience of seeing a sex therapist?

He had a circumcision because the foreskin was restrictive and he couldn't urinate properly.

This column may be relevant ...

Thanks for the link NotQuite but have already tried the sensual retraining mentioned and it hasn't worked. He has become less interested/responsive as a result.

I cant really see him changing, seeing as it sounds like you've been the one trying to help and he's not interested.

Maybe try a sex therapist as others have suggested. If he refuses it kind of shows he's not interested in your sexual relationship.

Does he know how much this affects you? What has he done to help the situation?

I think you need to really think if you can accept this in the long term

He knows how much this is effecting me. He has tried not masturbating for a few weeks to see if this will help.
It has not.
He has gone to the Dr's and mentioned the impotence issues and they tested his blood etc but can find no issues. He has been told he can have a prescription of Viagra privately. He hasn't bothered though.
He says he wants a normal sex life and that he is upset that his penis is 'useless'.
The last sexual encounter we had involved me trying to initiate sex after a 3 month dry patch and him instead wanking over my chest. It was too awkward to say no so I let him continue.
I just find it really lame and I'm starting to feel insulted.

Affecting....

Has anyone on here been in a similar situation?
Did you manage to resolve it?

Does he watch porn? The wanking over your chest made me wonder.

I have also heard that if a man is so used to masturbating using a very firm hand, its much harder to come during penetration as a female's body can feel squishy by comparison.

Im so sorry to hear your problems, I dont have any expereince but was reading and agree it sounds like its just in his head, its a habit for him now to orgasm by wanking instead of through sex.

Does he orgasm when you wank him off?

He used to have a porn habit before we got together but to my knowledge doesn't bother anymore.

He used to masterbate so hard I used to cringe. Frankly very odd.
Yes he almost always has an orgasm if done manually.

What about a cock ring, 1. to help him stay hard and 2. to make him more sensititve? He could also try one of the orgasm gels that contain l-arginine, they are targeted at women but they could make his glans more responsive.
A short period of not masturbating will not do a damn thing, if he's going to sort this, he needs to not masturbate at all, indefinitely.

Interestingly, men with a small penis normally have Prem. Ejaculation issues as the nerve endings are clustered in a smaller surface area than a larger man.

Masturbate.

I do think a psychosexual counsellor might be the best help, because I think that to an extent you both need a bit of help with your attitudes and on finding a compromise. If sex has become all about him not satisfying the OP and feeling bad about it, he's not going to want to do it, and if the OP finds herself approaching every sexual encounter with desperate determination to make it work, that's not going to be much fun either.

does he like his balls fondled? Or try rumbing his perineum. Try to do this while you are having sex it might help him orgasm.

Rumbing?

I wonder if a we-vibe would help? you'd both get the benefit of the vibrations and you'd feel a bit more filled.

sorry Im mildly dyslexic

Have you tried different sexual positions? Are you both adventurous?

I'm seeing a sex therapist with my OH at the moment. It took about 18 months to persuade my partner to see one with me. I never thought I would get him to agree to see one. For ages He was adamant he wanted to try and sort problem himself (similarish ones to the probs you report). I had to really be honest with myself that I wasnt happy with the status quo and be really firm (pardon pun) with him about wanting us to get professional help.

would wholeheartedly recommend sex therapy. The woman we are seeing is BRiLliAnt. You can spend ages googling and trying to work out what the problem might be and in the process drive yourself mad and imagine loads of ridiculous explanations. From my experience I wish I hadn't left it so long to lay cards on table as I really shut down sexually to protect myself. OH has taken to the therapy like a duck to water and we're making good progress. Last year I would never have imagined we'd be in the better place we are now. He would get so angry if I raised the problem.

After a ridiculously expensive session at the Tavistock we then found a really nice much cheaper but very experienced counsellor via Internet.

Well done for addressing it it's not easy. Good luck I'm sure you can work it out especially if you get on well anyway. Don't let The resentment build up further by not getting help would be my advice. Oh and OH's gp said he could prescribe Viagra but I'm so glad he didn't take it as it wouldn't have got to root of problem.

www.cosrt.org.uk/therapist_listings.asp

If you did both want to go down the sex therapy route this is where we found our one

Thank- you FionaB. I will look into it. I too don't feel Viagra is the solution as I feel the issues go deeper than that.

Re sexual positions my DH is very timid and panics about it 'not working' and so is very unadventurous in this respect. I thought we could work through the shyness when we first got together and that with a bit of confidence building we would sort it out. I am very sexually open and confident and imagined this would rub off as it were....but he seems plagued by insecurities.

I haven't tried a cockring but anything is worth a try!

Solidgold I haven't conveyed desperation or exasperation to my DH in this matter. For ten years I have tentatively tried to deal with this and not make him feel pressured. I am happy to explore many aspects of sex and enjoy them in isolation but this is a matter that I am not happy to let go. I have always tried to be sensitive and understanding but am reaching the end of my reserves of patience.

Ten years is a long time to love someone and not have adequate physical expression.