I'm at breaking point. DP more interested in drumming than his family.

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DP is 25. When we got together he had a DS from a previous relationship who was a few months old and I had a DD from a previous relationship who was 18 months. He was a drummer. I supported him but he was unemployed, brought in no money and I provided for him for the next two years.

I fell pregnant. While I was pregnant we had a few issues with his drumming and drinking/other women he'd previously slept with around him all the time. He gave up drumming to be a family man and started taking a class in college to become an electrician for a career. He told me drumming was a pipe dream and a distant memory for him and he'd never go back as he was looking forward to our life together.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest. Tonight we go out for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday and he meets an old friend who has just been signed with his band.

I get back from the toilet and he tells me his friend is setting him up auditions and he's going to them. He wants to be a drummer. He "hates his life" but loves me and his DC's. He wants more. He wants to be in a big band and get signed to do tours without regard for me, his DC's or the lack of time he currently spends with us. He wants to take his two days off a week and drum it all away. He would give up work to drum. He wouldn't do anything for our family.

So, I find myself at a crossroads. He has lied to my face about the drumming for two years. He is adamant he's doing it and doesn't care how it affects us but wants both drumming, his job, his college and his family. He is a man child who is all about him and I am broken hearted, defeated and feel like a mug.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please, help. AIBU to think his dream should not come before his family that he wanted and he built or am I being selfish?

dont you dare feel selfish.what planet is he on?i get so angry when we take resposibility for mens behaviour.he sounds like a lying,selfish waste of your time.i wouldnt put up with such lack respect for my or my kids feelings.get rid and let him be the feckless child he so obviously is on his own time,not yours

You met a drummer, had a relationship and a child with a drummer, now you want to change him from being a drummer to an electrician.
Should have got together with an electrian in the first place. You cant change people. If you love him let him be who he is.

There are a few different issues here.

1. his dream to be a drummer, world tours are a way off yet. I don't think you can say he lied to you, it's his dream and he feels he's being given a chance, is he any good?
2. women and trust, IMHO a musicians life of touring and the whole lifestyle is not workable with a family. Far more cheat than don't. So if you can't trust him before he's hitting the big time you certainly won't if he does.

He's not a good drummer but not a bad drummer ie. he is self taught but can't read music. He learns songs rather than beats themselves.

I feel like I am being selfish but he's away so much already and the children already miss their dad and to spend what little time he has six hours a day with a band then out drinking with them plus gigs? It seems excessive.

I'm home all day with the children. I go to university one night a week and volunteer. We all contribute as much as we can but I can't do my dream of being a professional dancer again. I had to give that up due to time and money restraints.

He wanted to be an electrician before he met me. I was the one who funded him to do it as he couldn't be bothered before and just sponged off his mum for money for drumming and drinking.

Two threads?

As I said in the other one, he has worked for 2 years trying to fit into what you wanted of him, and its not made him happy.

How do you know he will be doing all the drinking afterwards? He may have changed in the last 2 years.

When you met him he was sponging off his mum and had a DS who was just a few months old. Sorry but this is probably his core mentality.

How involved is he with his DS? Does he contribute anything to him? I imagine not as you funded his training and he doesn't see much of yours and his DD

I think you will have a hard time with this particular man tbh... x

He has not worked for two years. He was in college five days a week for the first year which I paid for and wouldn't get a weekend or nights job in favour of having his DS on the weekends, which I can understand. It took him until nine weeks ago to find a job and I've been supporting him until now. This wasn't what I wanted him to be. This isn't what he wants to be. He has a business plan ready to start as soon as he can get some funding but he's had this idea for years and hasn't bothered to see about grants when the local office to sort these things out is a twenty minute bus journey away.

It pisses me off that I have paid £1700 so far for this course and he has not bothered to find an apprenticeship which is essential if he wants to carry on next year. He is full of excuses. I've asked him if he wants to do this or find something else and he is adamant he is doing this. I could have shelled out £1700 for nothing because if he decides drumming is the way to go, college would be out like a shot. It also pisses me off that when it suited him he couldn't go a week without seeing his DS. Now, if it suits him, he can go weeks because he's out with his mates/working and socialising after/thinking of drumming all weekend.

I know he will drink. He drinks at home alone. He can't resist finishing work and going to the pub for a few pints after work. Last night he got really drunk despite only going out a few weeks ago and routinely speaks about how he misses his old life all the while drinking copiously and passing around photos of his kids. He hasn't changed in the slightest and him and I both know this.

Yes, two threads. After I posted I thought I should post in relationships too and I knew AIBU would get traffic at 2am.

This is the sort of situation that needs a bit of calm discussion and compromise, not the brinkmanship of ultimatums and black and white thinking which accusing him of lying etc is in danger of creating. If you back him into a corner like that, there is a very real possibility he will just sod off anyway. He doesn't sound very mature, but you can't really force him to be: making him to choose between a dream, and the slog of young children and responsibilities by going over the top with melodramatic accusations of lying is highly unlikely to have the outcome you want.

You need to pull back and work out a compromise.

I tried to compromise last night. I told him how I wanted him to have his dreams and to drum as he loves it but that loving it more than us shouldn't be the way. I told him if he can fit us in around his lifestyle then he should go for it or he'd always regret it but the way he was talking he exactly said to me "If someone turned up on the doorstep offering me a record deal or my kids I'd choose the record deal as I could then support them". I asked how it would feel not seeing them and he shrugged.

There is no way to compromise. He's not having any of it. He's said he's doing it no matter what.

Reading your last post too, I have to say that you sound far more driven and focussed than he is. Unfortunately, as you've found, you can't pass those qualities onto somebody else just because you think it would be useful. I would reserve your strength for looking after your own career and future prospects, because you'll need them. There's no point wasting energy and money on trying to make somebody else behave the way you feel is appropriate. It's sad but true. On the bright side, you sound like a very capable person, and if you channel this for yourself and your children and stop trying to force somebody who you basically see as a slacker to step up, then you are far more likely to be happy in yourself, with or without him.

You can't stop a musicians passion! My DP plays guitar and often goes to practice for hours at a time. He works a highly demanding job with different shifts patterns, nights twice a week. He then unwinds by playing music (or bloody xbox!). I have a DS from previous relationship and currently expecting my dp's first child. I don't moan or dislike what his passion is, he's a grown man who works hard and provides as i believe your dp is too. YABVU, perhaps tag along to one of your dp's practice/gigs or get a hobby yourself.

I'm a musician too. I sing and play the piano and I do it as a hobby but can I afford to be in a band, take the time away from all my responsibilities that I chose and afford to pay for everything I need to? No. It doesn't stop my passion but it has made me realise that until the DC's are older and I have a stable career outside of music that it's not viable. DP seems to think it is viable for him despite telling me quitting music was the best thing for our family. It's hypocrisy. It's not jealousy on my part, by the way. I'm not jealous of him doing music as I am perfectly happy knowing that what I'm doing right now is more beneficial for us.

What part of my post made you think that DP has worked hard? He goes to college. Before that he didn't have or intend to get a job for two years. He is still in limbo over whether he can go back to college next year as he hasn't bothered to find an apprenticeship and that means £1700 down the drain of paying for the last two years for him. He has worked hard at keeping his passions from me and lying to my face about them but that's about it.

Even if I wanted to tag along, we are barely scraping by with money now. There is no way I could afford a babysitter while he plays gigs or practices. Plus, apart from the gigs, everything else is dire. :o

So who provides financially here? He goes to college, you are a
Sahm?

Can't you find a compromise? I agree with the people who say that was what he was when you met him. Couldn't he teach kids drumming or something to bring in extra cash to be fair to him he has tried all be it only a bit to be something to make you happy, he must love you but if it doesn't make him happy then that's that. There are other things he could do that could turn his hobby into a job. That said there needs to be a time limit on these dreams. I would also stop financially supporting him if i were you it doesn't matter how he makes his money but you must make it very clear that he must financially contribute and so find a way to do that, his choice how.

You also seem to worry about the lifestyle that goes along with drumming women and alcohol as someone who is married to a DH who has groupies i completely understand however there comes a time when you just have to decide that you trust him and suck it up to some extent. If he is someone who is going to cheat he will do that regardless. I'm sure it must be very hard.

I work from home while single handedly taking care of both DC's and DSS on the weekends if he's in work. He works part-time hours but recently it has been around 30 hours split over five hours in a kitchen as people are on holiday. Usually he only brings in between £80 and £100 a week but the past two weeks he's been bringing in £170 a week which all goes towards college fees. He refuses to get another full time job as it'll be 'dead end' despite the fact that in this job it's an hour and a half bus commute for little hours.

*split over five days.

DH and I are both musicians. Its part of who we are. However, we both have careers in non musical circles. There needs to be give and take to fit it in - for instance, I have an orchestral concert coming up that will take me away from home for a weekend of rehearsals, then the following weekend for the concert. DH and Ds can come with me the first weekend and spend some time with relatives, but I'll be going alone for the second weekend.

We regularly fit our playing in around the other person during the week - some weeks DH will be out every night playing in a show, so I get to look after Ds - other weeks I will get to go out and play myself.

I trust him not to cheat alone. With others who are all doing the same thing? I can't be sure. I couldn't before but he has never done anything to my knowledge. He is just very easily influenced by peer pressure.

He refuses to teach drumming or have it as a hobby. He wants it as a job and to play gigs and completely refuses to budge on that or compromise. It's me who has to compromise in his eyes, he shouldn't do anything as he is completely right.

Then you will probably have to let him go, I'm afraid, and accept that he just isn't the person you want him to be. He will still have to contribute financially and make time to see his children, but there's no point you flogging a dead horse.

You're looking after 3 children.. you know that right.
As for shrugging at not seeing his kids...or you.. well that would be a deal breaker now for me.

I thought everything LeBOF said was good. I think you need to start focusing on yourself and your DC. You sound infinitely more capable that him.
What are you studying at uni?

I agree with weevilswobble. I'm not sure why you got together with this bloke in the first place, you want a family provider bloke, he doesn't want to be that bloke. You would have been better off just keeping him as a casual boyfriend.
I don't think he'd lied. Initially he was with plan A "do lots of drumming and rely on other folk for money" then he thought he'd try the drummingless plan B. He isn't happy with plan B and wants to go back to plan A.
I don't think this relationship will work long term.
I don't think this is your fault, I wouldn't live with a bloke who just wanted to lie about the house all day occasionally getting pin money playing drums. My husband does alot of musical stuff, but it's an evening and weekend hobby, he does the boring day job he hates to bring in the money as he realises he's not good enough (and is now too old) to be a career musician.
The difference is he was prepared to do the boring day job when I met him, the work ethic to contribute financially to the family is ingrained.
Your bloke lacks this.
Sad but I think you are incompatible.