I'm at breaking point. DP more interested in drumming than his family.

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DP is 25. When we got together he had a DS from a previous relationship who was a few months old and I had a DD from a previous relationship who was 18 months. He was a drummer. I supported him but he was unemployed, brought in no money and I provided for him for the next two years.

I fell pregnant. While I was pregnant we had a few issues with his drumming and drinking/other women he'd previously slept with around him all the time. He gave up drumming to be a family man and started taking a class in college to become an electrician for a career. He told me drumming was a pipe dream and a distant memory for him and he'd never go back as he was looking forward to our life together.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest. Tonight we go out for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday and he meets an old friend who has just been signed with his band.

I get back from the toilet and he tells me his friend is setting him up auditions and he's going to them. He wants to be a drummer. He "hates his life" but loves me and his DC's. He wants more. He wants to be in a big band and get signed to do tours without regard for me, his DC's or the lack of time he currently spends with us. He wants to take his two days off a week and drum it all away. He would give up work to drum. He wouldn't do anything for our family.

So, I find myself at a crossroads. He has lied to my face about the drumming for two years. He is adamant he's doing it and doesn't care how it affects us but wants both drumming, his job, his college and his family. He is a man child who is all about him and I am broken hearted, defeated and feel like a mug.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please, help. AIBU to think his dream should not come before his family that he wanted and he built or am I being selfish?

That's the issue. When we met he was fully focused on getting a secondary career (electrical) and working whatever he could to support his dream, even a job he hates. It all changed and I funded him to doss for seven months. I then funded his college. Now I fund everything while his wages go towards college.

I'm studying counselling and psychotherapy.

He's treating you like his mum..sorry... and his children like toys
I hate to say this, but I think you will be better off in so many ways without him

Counselling and psychotherapy sounds really interesting and you sound like you have all the drive you need to be really successful at it.

Is there anything else you could study to build a solid career? C&P is a great background skill, but about as likely to put food on the table as an imaginary recording contract, I'm afraid. I'd honestly suggest switching to something more practical if you are going to be the main breadwinner. You're ahead of the game in a way be ause you already have the work ethic, but you need to push your energies down routes which reward your efforts properly- personally and professionally.

I don't think you are being 'unreasonable' in your expectations, but I do think you may be learning the truly horrible lesson that you can't change people and that you have to be really careful about their motives in the first place and whether they are in the right place to commit.

At 25, your DP is very young to have responsibility for two families - entirely his choice and fault of course. Yes, there are 25 year old men who would do a great job in these circumstances, but he sounds desperate still to be young and presumably knows a lot of childfree 25 yr-olds who are getting to live a very different existence. I feel sad for him and you that you are in this position.

I am a decade older than you, and my own partner worked as a professional musician for ten years, before changing careers largely because he wanted a better pattern for family life - more money, no travel. We're now having our first baby. OH is very happy - but then he's had his time and made his own totally free choices. He got to do his music career at a time when there was no baby to come home to, and then he changed into a man that wanted a family more than that.

If your DP is going to be a decent partner to you in the long run, he is going to have to work through this gap between the choice he has made to have two children, and his desire to have a career that is completely incompatible, and he is going to have to 'own' his choices. The danger if you pushed him one way is that he'll blame you (and it isn't your fault). He'd be better off going to a counsellor - if he has the maturity to do that - or anything - but you really don't want to wake up with someone in ten years who 'resents' you took his musician career away, despite the fact you've carried the whole financial can in that time.

If he can't, I'm afraid I agree with other posters that you might be better off on your own.

Actually I agree. If your DP wanted to concentrate on having being a musician then he should of focused his life on that and not had babies, he hasn't and now he has to make some sacrifices because that's what parents do.

If it were me i would give him the ultimatum that he either supports his family through his drumming or he gets a job. I would not fund his side of the bills i would not pay towards his ds and if he isn't prepared to do that then unfortunately i would leave because then i would only be responsible for 2 children and i would be financially better off. I think your probably going to be disappointed though a he doesn't sound ready to grow up.

You have to ask yourself what do you get out of this relationship?

You don't have to have a recording contract to be an earning muso. I know tons of pro drummers, none of whom have contracts or are famous or anything remotely glamourous.

It is perfectly possible to earn a living as a musician, but it takes a particular mindset. Age is irrelevant too. A lot of the pro's I know are over sixty, and still working. Most of them have families too.

If he wants to be a drummer, he needs to get some gigs, and get on the millions of websites that are used for promotion....Entsweb is a great place to start...loads of work on that.

Being a musician is pretty much like any other job....boring bits and hard graft.

You can't force someone to change who they are, or to change in any way, purely for your benefit. You do not own this man, he is not a pet or an improvement project. You would do better to let him go, as others have said.

I have a job lined up when I finish my course in September with the agency who I am currently volunteering with and who are paying for my training and supervision alongside my course. It's not set in stone but there is hope.

I don't want to change who he is. He is a drummer, he can drum but obviously I'd like to be important and for his children to be important too. He simply has no time. He has two days off a week right now and in those two days he sees DSS and the children. Sometimes he works regardless and leaves me all day with all three. I can't imagine a life like this. I want a partner, not someone who I see an hour a week because he's too busy to make me an option, let alone a priority.

I know I may seem controlling and in some situations, I am but I have always let him be himself, dress the way he dresses, do what he wants to do etc. I expect consideration ie. a call if he'll be late when I'm waiting up for him but I have never forced him into anything. I may have suggested something and he's gone with it but it has always been his idea, iyswim.

What do you call a bloke who hangs around with bands?

A drummer.

I'mhereallweek.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

tc you have had a bit of a hard time here and on the AIBU thread - I can see why you are unhappy - and I don't think you sound controlling actually, you sound like you are trying to keep a family together and have worked really hard to try and push your partner onto a useful/ productive path - and are really disappointed that he has veered off again.

I think the problem is that he sounds like he was fairly selfish all along - living off others, drinking too much, relying on his mum - and you have picked up him up - in a kind of 'caring' role - do you like trying to fix people? Not wildly hypothesising, but sometimes people who are counsellors etc do have those tendencies, in that you know people can better themselves and you want to try to help.

But you can't save him or make him a better man than he is - and it really doesn't sound like he is a good partner or indeed a good dad - so , sad as it is, the answer might be that you have to walk away - it will be tough I presume as he won't be helping financially or with childcare. But at least you won't have to worry about him or supporting him anymore.

If he wants to go off and be a kid and forget about his responsibilities - don't let him have the comfort of home to come back to whenever he feels like it. You have to have boundaries....

I can really understand your anger though...but maybe it's worht looking back and asking yourself if you have been unrealistic all along about who he is and what is capable of.

I don't think it is about you being controlling really - it is about the bigger picture of what you can and can't change about a person. I once broke up a relationship because I realised after a lot of trying that I had two choices in it - I could either be a doormat or a nag. I decided not to go for either.

What's difficult is that he seems to be going through some sort of identity crisis about wanting to be this rock and roll man, and he's basically doing it after having committed to two families. He sounds very conflicted and has to work that out for himself to some extent.

Of course he is being a total wet blanket about all of this, of course anyone in your shoes would be furious, but unfortunately it sort of sounds that by telling him off on the one hand, but looking after the three children on the other you are letting him be a child.

Maybe you ought to get some counselling or other help with this? Clearly, it is a pretty exhausting situation and you probably need to know what your own bottom line is and what you want. You may or may not get that from him.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the information once into a drum machine...

Too far?

*What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.*

Exactly!
He can't even take responsibility for himself let alone anyone else.
Trying to get him to behave any differently will be exhausting and you will just feel continually let down.

For some reason your circumstances sound familiar.

Have you posted before about your numerous difficulties with your dp and his dm under another name?

OP

The whole "settling down, being responsible,training as an electrician" schtick was all in order to get his feet under the table. I very much doubt you'd have been interested in him as a partner had he said "I'm going to continue being a feckless waste of space, sponge off my mum and girlfriend, refuse to look after or provide for my children, drink heavily and knock you about"

It's now 2 years down the line, he's spunked away 2 grand of your money on a course he had no intention of completing and is now reverting to form.If you allow this to continue, then you will be responsible for supporting the family single-handedly,as well as picking up his bar tab and looking after his DS, while he follows his dream.

He wants to be a drummer? Fine, he can go ahead. Just make it clear to him that you will not be bankrolling him any more. Why not kick him out while you're at it. Just think of how much more time, money and energy you will have without him sucking it all away.

Like I said on your other thread:

Look, he has tried hard for two years to NOT be a layabout, a drunk, who dabbles in music.

He cant take it any more.

I am not surprised that you have had enough. It is not like his drumming is a money making choice, but a lifestyle choice that will support his passion for alcohol, hanging about, gigs and shit. THIS is who he is, and who he wants to be.

I cant see how this can be easily combined with family life, so you should move on. Let him drink and drum, and complete your own education.

If he was a lovely guy who had always cherished you, been reliable and given you a wonderful relationship, then I would be saying that you should give him a chance. He is young and clearly has this burning desire within his system.

If that were the case, it would be reasonable for you to tell him to try this drumming route, for a year or a finite period of time, as long as he either continues with the college course or gets a job bringing in a good amount of money alongside the drumming. You would be happy to provide moral support and look after his DS where necessary, as long as your own college night was sacrosanct. If it hasn't worked out for him after a year, then he needs to knuckle down and accept that drumming is just going to be a hobby.

But some of the nasty character traits he has shown makes me inclined to side with those who feel that you would be better off without him.

I will be continuing my education no matter what. A future is important for me and my DC's, with or without him.

Izzy, yes I have. I name changed for good but I feel another name change might come on after this. People who know me will recognise this situation instantly.

We are okay. We have spoken and I have told him my 'ground rules'. If he wants to do what he wants to do, he has to do it to realise that the grass isn't always greener, I think.

I'm so confused. I'm just acting passively right now. I love him, he loves me and yet he is so confused by himself that it's affecting us all.

After your last post, where he'd left (yet again) to return to his mummy following a particularly unpleasant incident involving some degree of physical abuse which, as I recall not for the first time, was witnessed by one of your dc, you were advised to phone WA.

From your earlier posts there have been numerous indicators that this relationship is not constructive for either you or the dc who have the misfortune to be involved in the equation and I'm somewhat perplexed that, contrary to your previous assertions, you've resumed 'playing house' with him - and I use this term advisedly because this is, in effect, what you've been doing for far too long.

As for 'I love him, he loves me', I would have thought that it was abundantly obvious that he doesn't love you and he isn't at all confused, either by himself or by any other factor.

He loves himself, he is intent on doing whatever he wants to do regardless of any other consideration, and he has an enabler in the form of his dm who, again from your previous posts, loathes you with a vengeance.

Are you planning to counsel others on how to order their thoughts and their lives while existing in a state of chronic dysfunction yourself?

How long will it take you to realise that continuing a live-in relationship with this manchild is going to adversely impact on your dc as well as stunting your personal growth?

Frankly, men like the selfish twat you allegedly love should come with a health warning as they can seriously damage the wellbeing of those around them.

Ah, now that all puts a completely different complexion on things- do you even need to ask what your best course of action is? He really doesn't appear to be somebody a person in their right mind would choose as a partner and father. If you get the opportunity to undergo personal therapy as part of your training (and it is recommended), I would bite their hand off in your shoes. Something has gone very wrong with your twat radar for you to have travelled for so long down this particular road

I'm undergoing counselling as part of my training already and we're in relationship counselling every fortnight.

My twat radar is seriously blipping.

Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest.

Thats what you said on the other thread.

So he has tried for nearly a year, which you have to give him credit for. But he hasnt changed from the person you met. You want him to change, you want him to be different.

teacoupons.

You have been taken for a mug by this bloke well and truly. Also you have enabled him by paying for his course; why did you enable him like that?.
If his mother indeed has enabled him then she did him no favours either.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He loves himself more than you.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here; what sort of role model are you both showing them?.

Joint relationship counselling is inadviseable when there is ongoing abuse within the relationship. And yes, your twat radar is certainly on the blink and badly so.