How much power does a mother in law have to kill off her sons marriage?

[separationroad]

My husband loves his mum. He also has a degree of disrespect for her. It goes deep. She left his father when he was about 13 years old for another man and took her son (my husband) and daughter with her. That new relationship failed. I get the vague idea there were a few more failed relationships after that before she met the person she is currently with (and has been with for 20 odd years) an elderly gentleman about 10 years her senior, well off and I perceive a "safe bet" (i.e. she can control him). He has proposed marriage to her but she has constantly refused because I guess she likes her independence and her own house - all fair enough. Husband has never talked in detail about the time apart from that he hates her for breaking up the family and I read between the lines that she lent on my husband as a boy a bit as the man in the house. Certainly my husband has historically said he is just like his mum and nothing like his dad although he says this less now. He despises his dad more for being weak but I dont even want to go into that one as to why (here or in my mind).

I used to get on ok with her (MIL), I would almost say I used to get on well with her. However since I had our second child I have not got on well with my husband who essentially withdrew from me (anticipating that a second baby 18 months after our first would be a lot of work). he left me to it and has kind of admitted it since. Weeks before the birth he bought an album called "separation road" by a swedish songwriter (wallander) and listened to it obsessively. I felt isolated. I may have had postnatal depression, I certainly felt like i was out there being a mum on my own.
My son our second child is now 18 months old. Since his birth my husband has had several conversations with his mum finding fault with me. Laziness, failure to keep house to standard, keeping a very tight reign on money (money is short admittedly) and (bizarrely but I admit it!!) that I drink too much tea (desparate for the caffine in the sleep deprived days).

My husband listened to her. This has not helped the poor communication between me and my husband.

MIL came to stay with us for christmas every christmas since I have known husband. Last year was ok but moments of great strain - our house feeling small with two children under 2 years, MIL and her gentleman friend, looks of horror on MIL face seeing me changing nappies (I think she wanted me to do it behind closed doors etc). She has never been overtly confrontational but little things like she is totally against breastfeeding and fairly regularly talks about being woken by crying babies in the night.

My question is - how much power does a MIL have to break up a marriage? Some does I think my MIL has a lot of power to do it and she might just eventually manage that.

He has said you can withdraw money from the savings account - so just go ahead and do it - its really silly to be on an overdraft on your account and with savings earning very little elsewhere. Get the lot cleared. There's a clear reason to do it, and its not because you've been frivolous - its because you have been paying ALL the nursery fees for your JOINT children.

Re shopping etc - next time he wants to scrutinise the bill I would suggest that he take over shopping duty from now on - and that you will provide him with a shopping list of essentials for the week.

Why is he making comments about you getting up to do jobs at 7.15am? Why is he not doing them? I presume that you are the one that copes with the majority of night wakings so need to catch up on your sleep a bit.

As far as I can understand from your posts you're working four days a week and looking after the children on the other day? You cannot be expected to do the whole house's cleaning and all domestic duties in a single day with two under 3 yo.

My mother in law sometimes comments about the state of my house - but my husband has pointed out to her that she had a very different situation at an equivalent time - she was studying for a Masters degree, but by then she had both her children at school - whereas I work full time with my one at school.

The family is a joint commitment between yourself and your DH - and that goes for the whole package - so both you and your DH's work, the two children and the house. Somehow you need to work as a team to make sure its all covered - that doesn't sound as though its happening at the moment.

I agree that if my husband started scrutinising the shopping bill he'd be told to get on with it himself from now on, including working out what to buy, most men hate that.

This may sound overly suspicious- but are you SURE your MiL is actually saying all these things, and it's not just your husband using her as an excuse?

He certainly sounds overly involved emotionally with his mother, and his childhood, in a way that isn't terribly healthy for a grown man with children and a wife of his own.

She says you drink too much tea???

What your MIL does of thinks minor (even the tea thing - WTF??) compared to the behaviour of your husband:

He sees childcare costs as your responsibility, making you pay literally and figuratively for working
He allows you to run up debt so that you can work
He's saving for his retirement
He criticises you for the state of the house - I'm guessing despite the fact that you both work, and you do all night wakings you still do the lion's share of the housework
You have no spare cash so you can't even decide whether you go out for lunch; that is all controlled by him.

He's a very controlling man, and is very bad news.

You're smart, hard-working, at one point out-earned him, and now he's used the fact that you have children together to get you into a position of weakness, starting with financial control. This is abuse. Take a look at the Emotional Abuse thread in relationships.

And good idea to clear your overdraft from the joint account. And how about setting up a DD to cover childcare from the joint account, to allow you to start paying into your own savings/pension.

And one last thing: it's a bad sign that he gets so aggressive when you raise an issue that you are too scared to raise it again. I would bet that was his intention.

Jesus you are not in an equal relationship,is he aware you get half of all his savings if you divorce? How can you live in debt whilst he has money what a crazy situation.