married to a workaholic...

[cocoloco11]

Hi,
Just having a moan really but anyone else married to a workaholic? My husband is a workaholic and yes it provides us with a very comfortable life where we dont have to worry about money but i just find it really hard that we dont spend much quality time together...and that's what i got married for not the lifestyle. He goes to work mega early and although he gets home at a reasonable hour about 7 he then works all night at home too. At weekend we do do things but he is tired out so mostly just chilling. To make matters more tricky we have a young baby so can't even go out the odd evening to spend time together (not that he would cos he's always 'too tired')
I know its not forever as he's making hay while the sun shines so to speak but i just feel we don't really have a relationship as we spend such little time together. Anyone else????

No personal experience as my DP leaves at 7 and is home at 5 BUT I work strange hours and lots of evenings so we are passing ships.
What job does he do that means he has to work in the evening as well as a long day at work?

just he has his own business so pretty full on...not enough hours in the day. When i mean all night i mean till like 11 then bed x

We ran a business together for a few years and it was one of the busiest but happiest times we've had. Is there any way you could get involved with the business so that you spend time together while working? I know its not easy with a little one, but it might help to keep you connected?

A thought on your situation, based on my first marriage to a workaholic. The work situation was always 'temporary' according to XH. In fact workaholism is a mindset, suggest you tackle it/him now before finding years down the line that all those temporary situations have blended into one long permanent one!

My DH leaves around 8.30am and comes back most nights 8.30pm or sometimes 9pm. I work from home most morning when the boys are in nursery (4 & 3yrs) so I do all the am and pm childcare related chores all by myself. I used to get him to help in the mornings but eventually put a stop to it when 'changing that nappy' was the only reason he missed the train (not the ques at the ticket office or the delayed journey to the station!).

I find it exhausting and very lonely at times and can't wait for break.

Yes, we should got out together once a week/fortnight, and DH would do this but I am the exhausted one and would rather have a nice bottle of wine on the sofa. I understand that I have to make an effort, but I will save all my energy for when we return to my home country where all my family and friends (only 4 weeks until we depart)!

My ex was like this and I found it very difficult. He was very successful at his career, and a lovely person, but it was overwhelming and actually got boring cos he talked about work so much! We're talking 2am client calls, work calls over dinner on holiday, that sort of thing - so I sympathise with your predicament.

Does your DH keep certain times 'non work' for you both, eg holidays? Does he talk constantly about work or is he able to switch off? Does he look at his Blackberry or whatever during personal time? Do you ever feel prioritised over work? Are there things you think he could do - and stick to - that would help you?

In some jobs the hours just are very long, but my experience was that this was only part of the problem.

One thing I found is that I needed my ex to stick to some rules and boundaries between home and office (what 4amininsomniac says about the 'temporary' thing is so true). He might be working hard but needs to not use work as a reason to overstep the line.

Dp has a high pressure job and leaves at 630-7 and gets home for a similar time- but he works shifts so goes in at 10 a few times a week too.

He is aware that he has a personality trait to be a workaholic and we set rules. I set them ad his job was causing stress etc and he is just as good putting in a few less hours.

1. he does all washing and ironing (he does this anyway and 50% of cleaning)

2. no longer than 10 hrs at work per day apart from Mondays- this made him actually do more in these hours

3. he has to eat/ drink well in work - the amount of times he would work thru lunch made me worry

4. we eat together 1 meal at least 5x per week as a family- granted this is usually breakfast but it helps

5)we go to bed at different times but he "puts me to bed" so we still have an intimate relationship etc

6)he has an outlet as do I- we both run to destress this is a priority most days

It works for us

My DH is like this. It has got to the stage where he thinks it is normal. He doesn't have any kind of a normal life. I used to think we could spend time together once he was retired but now I don't think he will make it to retirement. He doesn't/won't eat properly, he takes no exercise and he is doing nothing to relax and alleviate the stress.

Oh and the quality time thing- we eat in our dining room and he cooks at least monthly. It's a date we both dress like were going out, heels and everything (really gets me in the woman and not mother mood)
We usually eat in the kitchen at the table so my dining room is like going out as we never eat there

Sounds like SkinnyGirlBethany has some good ideas with a few rules.
Obviously as he is running his own business then it is pretty full on.
Hope you can find some time solutions!

Hand up. My DH is a workaholic.

Normally leaves 8 ish but does do the school run half the week. Gets home between 10pm and 1am, sometimes 7.30pm and sometimes 5am! Normally works half the weekend.

It is very lonely and I am on my own with the kids a lot. i work part time so at least I get to spend time with other adults.

It isn't possible to set rules. he has the kind of job that expects to be put first.

Here, too.
He goes in at 7 or earlier if there is an early 'test' or meeting. Home at 7:30 earliest, usually 8/8:30. Couch potato to relax, bed before 10.. Works one of the weekend days at least once a month, and otherwise will have to read/study at home and will also work most national holidays (the place closes down between Christmas and New Years or he'd be there then too). He travels off and on-"on" means a full week per month for 7 or 8 months or slightly more frequent which puts him off wanting to go on 'vacation'.

He is exhausted. We have no social life. Our time doing something together is going to the track at the high school and walking for 10 laps Sat or Sun morning, weather permitting.

I have one too! He is currently in the US somewhere - I no longer worry about cities or countries I just do continents! When he's at home usual day starts at 6 and can finish anytime between 7pm and 3am.
I maintain a very active life myself - work, friends and obviously the kids. I organize the social stuff and if he can make it great but if not I go solo. In fairness to the Op this is easier as kids get older and the years with very young babies were very hard.
We don't have rules as such but it's more of a mindset. I know he genuinely tries to get home once or twice a week by 7 to see the kids ?sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't) and I know he'll pitch up at some social event or we go for dinner even if shattered. Any night he's home before 9pm he cooks (personally I hate eating at this time but it's important to have the time together). Holidays are dictated by kids vacation and his workload but it means it's a proper break - if he has to work we set aside one day and I take the kids off but it's better than dribs and drabs every day. And the last one is he's up every Sunday with the kids - at least when he's here! Written down it all sounds a bit loose but it's about knowing he tries and makes an effort.

Op you need to ask yourself and him if he makes enough effort - and enough is very different by couple. But you need to make sure you both agree on what enough is. Hope that makes sense [hmmm]

Like all 'addicts' he won't change unless he really wants to and it's unlikely the business will require less of him. Make sure you keep balance in your own life - again easier after the younger years with kids.

DH is a workaholic, but I knew that about him when I married him. He is out of the house 12 hours most days and then on calls late in the evening when the kids are tucked up, he also travels often.

We are both loners so it kinda works for us. I think it is one of the reasons we get on so well.

If however you are not happy you need to talk talk talk, don't let it run and fester.

Hi, I went to Relate on my own in absolute bewilderment about my H's behaviour (turned out to be MLC, affair) and she clocked him in about 5 seconds flat.

I spoke about 'bashing against the walls' of his resistance and this is what she replied:

when men are EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE they will often ARRANGE their lives around distance: work (merchant banker, pilot, oil rig, ex pat, long shifts, you name it) relationships (porn, internet chat rooms, affairs, involvement in the kids), long and involved hobbies, sports, committees, anything that keeps them AWAY.

It was such a shock and an eye opener. I truly wish I had never met him. Or, that I had not ignored the red flags. Or, that I had listened to the qualified person who warned me not to marry him. And, ultimately, that I had worked on my own inadequate self, developed my self/qualifications/fear of being alone, that landed me in the mess I am currently in.

I don't go for victimhood. Victimhood means avoiding responsibility. I chose this asshole. Now what to do about it.

DP is a workaholic, he's only just on his way home now! He leaves about 7 every morning, sometimes it's 5 or 6am if he is travelling somewhere, gets home anytime between 5.30 and 3am. There hasn't been a day go by where he hasn't had to do at least a bit of work.
We get through it by making sure he does set aside family time hopefully at least once a week, sometimes more depending on his workload.
We set aside 1-2 weeks a year for holidays and make sure he doesnt even a tiny bit of work while away.

It's hard never seeing each other but then again I know he'll never have a chance to be running his own company like this again. There are plenty of people out there gagging for a job earning a more than comfortable wage like us. I'd never let him throw it all away.

DH is a workaholic. He leaves for work before I wake up (not sure how early it is these days) and gets home between 7pm-9pm, plus he brings work home with him. He does get decent holidays and switches everything off then, so we get quality time a few times a year.

I was a single parent before we met, so I was quite used to being the only adult at home and I have to say that his work patterns made things easier when we started living together, as I like having my own space and I was worried about not having time to veg out on my own.

I think it's important to have your own identity and that's really helped me. I have a couple of hobbies and also study p/t so I don't really miss DH too much as I'm quite busy. He earns a very good wage and I see no problem with using a babysitter so I can go out in the evening on my own, even if it's just to a gym class or to see a film with friends.

My attitude is that his wage allows me to access all of this, as well as outsourcing all the dull bits of being a sahm (cleaning, shopping, laundry). And DH is happiest at work when he's achieving his potential and feels he is providing for us, so things work well this way for both of us.

I married a workaholic, I married him very quickly, big mistake, and with hindsight without knowing him well enough.

I think he was other aholic's also, a very addictive personality, food, turned to ciggies in his late thirties when he got with a smoker, this was apparently my fault though , he got with a big drinker and daughter of an acholics when he left and lost the plot altogether with booze after leaving, Maybe drugs also as he became very delusional and exceptionally paranoid, selfish and withdrawn for a period of time after leaving.

I think those who knowingly marry someone emotionally unavailable like that, don't want a close relationship themeselves. Nowt wrong with that as long as you are not in denial about it.

I would never go back there with an aholic again, my co-dependant days are over.

Oh god, abitwobbly is absolutely right.

My h has been a workaholic. For the last 5 years he has also been internet sex chatting with women on yahoo pool/messenger. Only admitted 5 November.

We have been in Relate since mid October, and are now in the process of talking ALOT.

He says that the work obsession, the sex stuff, the constant hobbies and other needs were about distance, he called it 'withdrawing'.

I can promise you that at the time he gave every reason imaginable about why it was absolutely necessary to work. I spent the same five years, and more, trying to increasingly pin down quite why it was always so necessary, especially when we both worked full time and had three young kids and two older ones.

He is totally committed to leaving both the overwork and the women in the past, and changing. Truly, I wouldnt have believed it a few years ago.

My OH left me in July and has only now admitted that yes, he has probably had a work-related breakdown. His father was the same...it can run in families.

i am not sure if I can put our family back together or even if he will come back. But work was the issue. Fiventhree has some good observations - men can wirhdraw into work; it is something they can control, when other elements of their lives flail.

That said, some men (and women) really get a buzz out of their work and can cope. They need it. As long as family life doesn't suffer. But you need to schedule time together and sadly, it does have to be scheduled, rather than spontaneous.

Ironically my OH is working harder than ever but now he has no one to go home to and has 'lost everything.' - his words.

Punk, that is so

Wobbly-that's very interesting
Another one here, he leaves at 5am, rarely in by 8pm,DS's bedtime, usually more like 10. Sometimes client drinks/dinners til 12. And lots of travel away

At the weekend He's too tired for any proper quality family time.
In fact he is grumpy, miserable, impatient and short tempered
In short, a barrel of laughs

DS is 4, I have done everything.

Its not going to work,
It helps writing it down

Azaleabloom had the right attitude. Live your own life and develop your own studies, hobbies and friends.

fiventhree I absolutely agree w you. They are like this because of past hurts, and if you can get them to Relate you do have hope. We were at a really good function the other day, and I said to H you were there and enjoying it and people were responding to you you are nothing like you were 3 years ago (he finally admitted he needed to see an IC).

He actually said it: I used to remove myself (he was cold and remote) for protection. So he knew he was doing it!

So Punk, don't give up. If you are prepared to forgive him and not take it personally (it clearly came from his past), then be kind to him and let him know he CAN work his way back to his family.

But if he does want to, counselling should be a non-negotiatable commitment.

Thank you Abit. I have been furious with my OH but the moment he asked me to help him - all the love and desire for him flooded back. He is listening at last and that's the thing - some men just turn completely away from their OHs. So thank you - I will never give up.

Abitwobbly is 100% correct. This has got nothing to do with workaholism and everything to do with being emotionally unavailable. The men concerned are making a choice not to spend time with their partners and families. Just as the partners are making a choice by putting up with it. The only people not making choices are the children, who quite reasonably expect their parents to put them first.