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Original poster

Do I wait for him to ask?

33 replies

hotteapot · 15/11/2011 21:25

Been with DP for a year and a half now. Both had DCs, and we're making plans to move in together next summer :)

We've discussed marriage in very general terms - he knows I'd like to at some point, he doesn't seem opposed.

Do I wait for him to propose? Hoping for some romantic occasion...! Or do I bring it up for discussion, as one of many things we need to talk about?

For info - He was divorced for a year or so before I met him. I was never married to my ex.

OP posts:
MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 21:27

Or you could propose.....

MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 21:28

I think 2012 is a leap year.

Original poster
hotteapot · 15/11/2011 21:32

Yes, that had occurred to me Grin Does anyone acutally propose on the 29th Feb?

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 15/11/2011 21:33

OOooh, I'm sure they do haha.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 15/11/2011 21:35

If he hasn't made a move by 29 Feb 2012 you could consider dropping to one knee in traditional manner, but if you're planning to move in together it might be prudent to discover whether he's still of the same mind or whether he's completely opposed to remarrying on some future date.

If I were you, I'd give Leap Year a miss and see how living together works out before tying the knot.

maleview70 · 15/11/2011 21:36

Before you get carried away, 18 months is not very long and he has been married before so want to take a bit longer.

Why not leave it to him, move in together, see how it goes when living in each others pockets and if still no sign after 3 years, bring it up again.

Original poster
hotteapot · 15/11/2011 21:49

I think we're both feeling pretty sure it's long term, but yes, it probably is best to see how living together goes first. That might be what he's thinking I guess.

OP posts:
MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 22:36

Or you could propose, making it clear you want a long engagement.

maleview70 · 15/11/2011 23:15

If my dw had asked me I would have said no.

Read the thread on here from a couple of days ago about how upset someone was when their dp said no because he wasn't ready.

passionsrunhigh · 15/11/2011 23:28

seriously, maleview? even at the right time, e.g. when you were ready? isn't that a "bit" chauvinistic - plus with the risk of upsetting and losing her - for what?

Charbon · 15/11/2011 23:39

I think getting married is such a serious decision that it seems crazy not to discuss it and instead, wait for a romantic proposal that more often than not, requires an instant decision.

As long as you're not old-fashioned and thinking that men ought to do the proposing, I'd see how living together works first and then decide whether this really is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you then decide that you want to marry him, then tell him that's what you'd like, but respect his views if he's still not ready.

Also resolve in your own mind why marriage is important to you. Is it because you want more children with him, is it because of greater financial security for you both, or is it because you feel it's the most obvious outward sign of commitment?

passionsrunhigh · 15/11/2011 23:57

well, OP said that they did talk about marriage before (without any negativity from her DP), and she probably is being romantic, having never married - and yes, sign of commitment of course, though not as much as it used to be, with all the ease of a divorce. I think it's something romantic for hte soul nowadays, more than abything (well, maybe financial security IF the woman is vulnerable financially, but I think in the UK it's not usually the main reason).

Charbon · 16/11/2011 00:07

I wouldn't assume that a woman was after financial security, which is why I said 'financial security for you both' i.e. pooled resources, earnings and possibly savings. The OP might have greater earning power and assets than her partner.

3point14 · 16/11/2011 01:18

I could never advise any man to get married nor put his security (especially financial) in the hands of a woman. If someone wanted marriage, there would have to be agreement and a pre nuptial agreement.

The benefits to marriage are minimal if they exist at all and the downside has the potential to destroy someone's whole life. Just where the rationale is for this outdated tradition I do not know.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/11/2011 01:31

3point you're a right barrel of laughs aren't you. Who hid your peanuts eh?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/11/2011 01:41

Phew. Euclid has gone to bed but he might come back on tomorrow to have a row and say something controversial like archimedes invented pi and I really should get a life. He has a point.

OP, wait for him to ask.
So: This weekend, give him lots of romantic wild-eyed stares and languish in front of ring shops. If there's no movement after the full 48 hours of this, dump him and go to the rave on Ibiza's north beach on weekend of sat dec 10th. Warm clothing needed and limited places. HTH

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/11/2011 01:45

[Portinatx]

Sloobreeus · 16/11/2011 05:14

You say he doesn't seem opposed but that is hardly an expression of great enthusiasm. Never mind 29th February, see how things go when you live together.

Original poster
hotteapot · 16/11/2011 16:23

Well, thanks for the range of views. Charbon - I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out - whether I all old fashioned/romantic (or indeed whether he is...!) or whether those are stupid ideas to have in the complex reality of kids, houses, etc.

No, I don't think we want more children together - we have our hands full already really. I guess what I want as much as anything is the social recognition of the relationship and security to make plans for the future as a couple. And my 8 year old DD keeps pushing to know how she relates to him (testing him out by calling him 'Dad' to see how he responds, or even asking "when are you going to marry my mum?"!) She's very fond of him and is clearly looking for a bit if security around whether he's a permanent part of her life. I'd like us to feel we've comitted to trying to do that.

OP posts:
lifechanger · 16/11/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hotteapot · 16/11/2011 18:47

Well oldest DC is 14, so we should hopefully have a few years before that's an issue!

Rather negative view of marriage 3point - but finance is a bit of an issue - I'm financially independent, but he earns a lot more than me, and lost a lot (including ongoing spousal maintanence) from his divorce, so would understandably not want to repeat that. Shame if fear of that would put people off though :( as I don't want to marry him for his money!

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 17/11/2011 10:53

This may help:

today.msnbc.msn.com/id/3088165/ns/today-today_hidden/t/why-men-marry-some-women-not-others/#.TsTlKD3hfZU

Those who have been married before are more likely to remarry, it seems.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 17/11/2011 11:11

I think it depends how important marriage is to you. If you'd feel just as secure in a long-term cohabiting relationship, and really wouldn't mind whether you got married or not as long as you were together, then move in and see how it goes.

If marriage matters to you, then you need to have the talk before you move in. If you would be very upset to find out that he didn't want to get married at all, you need to know this before you move in - it's much harder to extricate yourself once you live together.

The first point, though, is whether you both see a long-term future together. Trying it and seeing is OK when you're young and don't have children, but once kids are involved, and once you have the urge to settle down, you need to be confident that you're making the right decision because it's so much harder to undo further down the line.

As far as the actual proposal goes, that depends on you and your DP - you know better than any of us whether he'd welcome a proposal or whether he'd feel more comfortable doing it himself, and equally whether it would feel right to you to ask him.

umadoopaloop · 17/11/2011 12:17

The benefits to marriage are minimal if they exist at all and the downside has the potential to destroy someone's whole life. Just where the rationale is for this outdated tradition I do not know.

Er, the automatic right to a division of assets in the unfortunate cases of a death?

The power to make decisions about medical care if your husband/wife is in a coma (not for a girlfriend/boyfriend)?

The right to visit if your husband/wife is ill in hospital?

There are huge, huge implications wrt being married to someone vs. dating them - legal, financial, practical.

I'm not saying it's right (I didn't particularly care for getting married myself, but neither of us felt strongly either way until DH's ongoing heart problems caused us a few issues at the hospital about my involvement)... you can draw up legal documents and wills and such if you don't want to get married which can give you almost the same legal position.

Marriage does have a point in this day and age. Whether we should have an easy method for the same protections to be afforded to non-married individuals might be a point for discussion. But you're naive.

So don't, please, post crap on here about marriage having no point - there are so many couples who experience the downside of never recognising their long term commitment with a quick nip to the registry office in a pair of jeans just to get that protection... naive in the extreme.

umadoopaloop · 17/11/2011 12:17

sorry to go off topic, OP - i just couldn't resist pointing out the stupidity of 3point14's post there.