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Relationships

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Original poster

Those of you with brothers, do you have a good relationship with them?

38 replies

Justonecheese · 15/11/2011 16:25

I am from a small family, just me and brother, mum and dad. I don't feel particularly close to any of them sadly but I often find myself wondering what is "normal"?

I can kind of deal with the mum and dad bit (don't know how, just can), but seem to be more bothered by the relationship (or lack of it) with my brother. There is less than 2 years between us and he is in his early 30's.

Whenever I see him (maybe 3-4 times a year ) we get on really well, have a laugh etc, it's just that in between times there is no contact at all. Generally I will see him at parents so any arrangements are done via Mum. If there is any contact in between times it is always me instigating it - its starting to annoy me why it is never reciprocated. If I don't contact him then we just don't have any contact.

I think it has particularly bothered me since having dd - she is his niece after all - he doesn't seem interested in he one bit and that makes me very sad. She is two now and has probably met him around 6 times. He lives an hour away from us.

I wonder if it would change if he had dcs of his own (he doesn't at the moment) or whether this is what our relationship is always going to be like.

Do I need to get over myself and continue contacting him, be the "bigger person" and not mind that he doesnt contact me or is it ok to feel a bit hurt that it is so one-way? WWYD? I understand that he has a busy life etc etc but don't we all?

He is the kind of character who is very dominated by his GF, was mollycoddled by my Mum, and can never say no to anybody - don't know if any of this is relevant?!

Hope I have given enough of a picture - this turned out quite long so thanks for reading if you got this far :)

OP posts:

bronze · 15/11/2011 16:27

I have a great relationship with my brother but hes rubbish as just being in touch mainly cos he hates the phone I think. Facebook has changed this and its fabulous now.
I would continue contacting him in your position

joanofarchitrave · 15/11/2011 16:30

Interesting. I have a pleasant relationship with my brother but it's not close; we are a lot farther apart in age than you guys are. I must say I don't think I have seen him more than twice a year since he left home, so I don't think you are doing badly. It's also great that you do get on well when you see each other - not always the case with me and my brother, it can be a bit stressful.

I think it's fine to feel a bit resentful, but I'd urge you to keep contacting him. If/when he does have children, I don't think he's likely to get better at contacting you perhaps, but his partner might and he is likely to feel closer to you even if it doesn't show - I know that's a bit rubbish. Do you have a good relationship with his GF?

The great thing about siblings is that it is really for the long term - you can have phases of more and less contact and they are still there. If you can, keep plugging away; it's annoying that he doesn't do more but he will probably get there in the end.

Kellamity · 15/11/2011 16:32

Yes very close with both of them but closer to my youngest brother as my other brother and his wife are quieter and keep themselves to themselves a lot of the time. I'm not sure this is the norm though when I compare my family to my friends families.

AMumInScotland · 15/11/2011 16:32

I think you need to accept that this is the way he is - lots of men leave it up to the women in their lives to do the whole social stuff, and/or just aren't that bothered if it doesn't happen. Decide what you put in and what you get out, and adjust if it's making you feel unhappy that you're the only one doing the running.

But he probably thinks he has a good relationship with you, if you get on fine when you do see each other.

ditzymitzy2 · 15/11/2011 16:38

yes i get on with most of the family well

dont think i could live with him permanently but we have a good relationship

Scoundrel · 15/11/2011 16:42

My brother and I are like chalk and cheese are 3.5 years apart in age and we live 350 miles apart. We didn't have a lot of regular contact when we were younger but are extremely close now. We seem to have bonded over the deaths of both our parents and the births of our children. I had kids many years before he did despite being the younger of two of us.

We don't speak every day by any means, probably about once a week or so and we see each other two or three times a year.

If I were you I would definitely keep up with making the effort to be the one that gets in touch. I think it just doesn't occur to a lot of men that they ought to pick up the phone if they want to maintain a relationship with someone.

tallulah · 15/11/2011 17:06

I had to check I didn't write the OP. It is word for word the exact situation I am in (except that my brother does have a grown-up DD the same age as mine). I've just had to accept that my brother is not interested in keping in touch and not interested in his 4 yo niece either.

We exchange the odd comment on FB but that's it . Yet we were really close as children :(

Oopsivedoneitagain · 15/11/2011 18:23

My brother is eight years older than me and had always been jealous of me being around. This got worse when our dad died he didn't want to share our mother. When she died ten years ago we all of a sudden became very close, I felt fantastic that he finally wanted me in his life. Out of the blue three years ago he cut all contact for no reason. I have tried so many times to get in touch but nothing. I feel heartbroken that he's gone but have had to learn to accept it. So I guess be happy that you at least have some kind of relationship

SJisontheway · 15/11/2011 18:35

Some people are rubbish at keeping in touch. I doesn't bother me doing all the contacting once its clear that the effort is appreciated. This is the case with my brother. We see each other once a month. Kids the same age which helps but I do all the organising.

ballroomblitz · 15/11/2011 18:47

My brother lives a good distance away from the rest of our family and he's absolutely useless at keeping in contact, even with my mum. He's a 1.5yr younger than me. Get on great and are still close when we do see each other but that's only 1/2 times a year. He has been making a bit more of an effort to ring lately though and even rang for ds' birthday.

mrsravelstein · 15/11/2011 18:50

my brother is close in age to me, and we live 10 mins drive from each other, we probably see each other a couple of times a month, but that's more about doing family stuff together (with his wife, my parents, my kids) - we were closer in our 20s and would often go out together.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 18:53

Same set up as you OP. Nearly 4 years between us, we live 5 minutes apart and are pretty close, see each other every week and talk at least by text every other day or so.

Shame his wife sees fit to ignore me and dd when I'm standing behind her in the school queue...

Yama · 15/11/2011 18:57

I am very close to my big brother. I will do what I can to support him and will always be there for him.

I adored my wee brother. We were so close, we were like twins. Sadly, he died last year and I miss him every single day.

hanahsaunt · 15/11/2011 18:59

My db is my only sibling and is 3.5y younger. He lives a long way away so I don't see him nearly as often as I would like but I would be lost without him. He loves my dc as his own and likewise I do his.

cookingfat · 15/11/2011 19:00

One brother (2 yrs younger) lives 3 hours away. See a couple of times a year, usually at Christmas, weddings, etc. We get on great when we do see each other, and are in touch on facebook a fair bit.

Other brother (5 years younger) has mental health issues (caused by FAR too much weed and booze in the past) and our relationship has suffered hugely as a result. See him the same as t'other brother and it always makes me upset as we used to be v close.

Rikalaily · 15/11/2011 19:00

No were are not close. He's the eldest of 5 and the only boy... His attitude towards women is awful, he's agressive and a bully so I tend to avoid him as do my sisters.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 15/11/2011 19:01

I love my brothers dearly and when we see each other, we all get on like a house on fire. We barely communicate inbetween though!

molly3478 · 15/11/2011 19:13

I see my brother most days. We hang around in the same group of friends, go to the same clubs and pubs and he is my on call babysitter! We live round the corner from each other and do loads together.

LunaticFringe · 15/11/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ddubsgirl · 15/11/2011 19:30

i have 2 1 cut me off last year and other unless i contact him he doesnt bother with us :(

CaptainMartinCrieff · 15/11/2011 19:33

I'm very close to my brother... We moved around a lot as children and went to boarding school together, so relied on each other heavily when we are young. We're now in our early 30s and we've each married and had children and are as close as ever, even if we don't see each other so often for geographical reasons!

Kingsroadie · 15/11/2011 19:34

Yup. Very good. He is 2.5 years younger than me but we spent our childhood moving around (so really the only constants were him and my parents) and went to the same boarding school so I really looked after him. Perhaps that has had something to do with it. I am extremely close to my parents too.

Kingsroadie · 15/11/2011 19:36

Ooh, forgot to say: but he is a little bit crap at keeping in touch. But has a very busy job with long hours and we do email fairly regularly and see each other every few weeks or so (we both live in London). But he adores my nearly two year old. I see my parents more often though.

WailyWailyWaily · 15/11/2011 19:44

I have 5 brothers and I have a different relationship with each. I'm the oldest, I talk regularly with DB1 and we meet up and share lifes ups and downs, I also get on very well with his wife, I hardly ever talk with DB2; he is our mothers favourite and so is his DS, I rarely talk with DB4 and 5, they are a lot younger than me, however I consider myself to be very close to DB3 and his wife even though they live the furthest away.
It is not a normal family though so maybe not a good example

CamperFan · 15/11/2011 19:54

We get on great - when we are actually in touch! It's always been me who has to instigate meeting up, etc and since he got married 18 months ago and moved to the other side of the world, it generally seems to be his (lovely) wife who has more contact with me! He's just rubbish at that sort of thing. The DC thing annoys me too OP.

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