My relationship is falling apart

[LittleMissSmall]

I don't appear to be able to stop it.

I admit I am a control freak and feeling out of control is not good at the best of times but I can't seem to fix it. I am out of control and I am watching my relationship fall apart. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to fix it.

Why what's happening? How can we help?

I think everything is wrong, i can not get over something that happened at Christmas last year and he can not stop telling pathetic lies. Me keep catchin him in out in lies is making it impossible to trust him.

I think I need his help to make me trust him, he thinks I need to get over it or it's going to ruin my life.

It's like I used to have this amazing trust in him - it's gone. He took it from me.

You sound very distressed LMS. It is hard to know what to say with so little information. If he has lost your trust, then he has to prove to you he is trustworthy again. If he is still lying to you - then he is not making an effort.

My sister was married to a liar. he was a very insecure person who fabricated his entire life to be who he thought people wanted him to be. Not what you would think was important stuff but important enough to his wife who wanted to know the real person, where was he was really born, what he really liked doing, whether he had skiied,ridden a motorbike, been to hte opera, learned to ballroom dance like he said he had, none of which was true.

In the ened he admitted all his lies and they both went to counselling which helped them both individually, but not as it turend out as a couple. He didn't have affairs however, which your message implies, is that the problem?

Sorry very hard to post today, people visiting

I think I inadvertently have done this to him. I left him once and I think it has changed him so much, I think it's my fault he's like this.

I used to trust him with my life, he could wrap his arms round me and the world would disappear. Now I don't even trust him to tell me where he's been.

Today I've found myself wondering if I love him or if I'm still in love with the wonderful wonderful man that he used to be. Has he just spent the last year proving to me he's not who he used to be. I love him, I want to love him but what's left if you don't trust someone, if jealousy and insecurity are eating away at me from the inside? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want him to make everything fantastic again.

Before last Christmas anything could have happened and I would have trusted him, even if a woman was throwing herself at him I would've trusted him not to do anything. Now I feel myself losing control if I've heard he's even spoken to someone. This is not me, I don't want to be like this.

Just to set the record straight, he didn't have an affair as such but he betrayed me an equal way. I'm not sure I want to talk about it, not sure I can

So what happened last xmas to change things LMS?

Ah, I apologise, I just re-read your last post and saw that you don't want to talk about it, sorry.

not to worry fairyfly2. There would be no way of explaining succinctly enough for mn anyway.

so sorry fireflyfairy2 I wrote your name incorrectly

it's ok

It's just a shame, as maybe if others knew the full story you could get sufficient advice xxx take care x

Oh here goes, there was another women. He said he was going to leave her then one day he decided he was going to be with her, he changed his mind the next day but that day and night were just awful.

I was told on new years eve that she wants him back which hasn't helped at all.

Since last year though I've caught him lying about many things, petty things and I just can't get him to stop and now I don't trust him at all. I need him to help me but he seems unable to be honest and open like he used to be.

I just don't know what to do any more, I talk and he doesn't. I'm not even sure he listens. I've ran out of things to say

It sounds like he has left you feeling very insecure then doesn't it? It must have been so hurtful that day and night that you were left wondering. Has he said if there was any kind of relationship with this other woman, or how long it had been going on before he decided to leave you for her.. then come back to you...?
Is there any chance of both of you going to relate or something and does he acknowledge that there is a problem? IMO that it the first step..for both of you, in fact to acknowledge that there is something that needs worked at.

He just says I need to get over it or it will ruin my life. He say's it has been a year and he does not understand why I'm still bothered by it

Typical man then isn't it!! My dad did the same with my mum. it's been 3 years now, they live apart but still see each other every day, only difference is that they can now look at each other without killing each other

My mum still has days where it's all she can think about.. it sounds to me like he wants to get over it then. Who told you on NYE that she wants him back> And remember just because she has said she wants him back does not necessarily mean that he wants her again.

he tells me all the time that he doesn't want her and that all he wants is me. I was starting to feel ok about things until I uncovered some more lies.

A friend told me about her saying that. Must go, dp just got out shower.

Ive kind of got a similar situation with dh although we are hopefully putting it behind us now after 5years. Basically we were mates since school and he absolutely idiolised me but i wasnt interested in him at all at the time.A few years later I finally gave in and gave him a chance after a string of bad relationships.I thought maybe he would be different as he had liked me since we were 13 and always seemed like he would treat me like a princess. We started to go out and it became more serious. He had just started a new job which required him to work away and this time he had to go away for 4mths. Obviously this was very hard but not once did it ever occur to me that he would cheat on me, even when he told me one of his work colleagues was cheating on his wife.It just never entered my mind in the slightest.Anyway a few mths later after his return I found out he had kissed another women. I was so furious with him as I never ever thought he would do that do me never. The worst thing was that he had even said after he had come back before he got found out that he would never cheat on me that just made me feel sick.Since then ive never been able to trust him 100% especially as he had lied to me. This was someone who had idiolised me since we were at school, who I thought would never hurt me.It turned me into a complete paranoid android. I would search his mobile, get funny every time he mentioned a girl from work or when he went out with his mates.And the thing is this made him lie to me more to stop me getting paranoid or in a mood. But blokes are so stupid and always get caught out because women always know when somethings not right.

Obviously you go through the process of what did I do to deserve it, what did she have over me whats to say it wont happen again if he has too much to drink.At the time I found out I didnt ask all of those questions and as the mths and years went on I felt I couldnt bring it all up again although it was eating away at me.I mean when dh come back I ended up with an kidney infection but it wasnt until a few yrs later that I thought maybe he had slept with her and passed something on. It wasnt until a drunken row a few mths ago that I brought it up and asked him.And the reason why we had rowed is because he had lied to me where he had been and i could smell beer on his breath which obviously makes me doubt him even more.Every time he lies the less I trust him. I hate lying more then cheating.

Basically weve gone through everything that happened and why. Every question I was afraid to ask ive asked. And we are starting from scratch.He says hes sorry for lying but just couldnt seem to help it he was just too afraid that it would upset me or make me more paranoid even though it was innocent what he was doing.We were in a vicious circle every time he lied, i became more insecure and controlling and then he would lie even more.

Mum2Sam it sounds like we are in exactly the situation except with a time difference - I feel exactly the same and search his phone/pockets etc whilst he's asleep. It's just crap.

and yes it's the lying that gets me more than anything else.

cant agree with you more mum2sam.... i dont like a cheater but i hate a liar more. why can men not understand that.
i dont know if i believe my dh or other men when it is said they lie to protect us. i think they lie to protect themselves. they dont give a toss about the hurt or the pain their lying causes, they care about the fact that if they tell the truth they will probably get their "balls broken" (please excuse the words - but you all know what i mean)
trust is something so easily taken yet so hard to return

littlemisssmall - are you like me? search the phone in the hope of not finding something, devastated if you do?

I know this sounds wrong but there is part of me that wants to find something to prove that I'm not losing my marbles, that there is an instinct telling me something is wrong, that I am not being irrational for no reason.

He clears down his texts and call register so I don't know why I bother anyway. Makes me even more suspicious.

sounds very familiar to nme all round
the wanting to be right so you know you're not paranoid/irrational
the hating lying more than the actual cheating

no advice just wanted to show support

Same here littlemisssmall wanting to find something so your not being paranoid my thoughts exactly. At the end of the day dh was 19 at the time and couldnt handle his drink. I do believe that it was just a drunken mistake.But my issue is becuase he blantantly lied and kept it a secret for 6mths then I feel he hasnt got a conscience if you know what I mean and could easily lie to me. I know if it was me I couldnt hide it from him. I said I would give him a second chance at the time but that he would have to work hard to rebuild that trust and no more lying. Not even petty things about working late but really really going to the pub after work with his mates.If he feels the need to lie to me then a) he shouldnt be doing it or b)he should tell me and stand up to me if im being silly and really am being paranoid.

I mean since then hes put female friends who I dont know under male names on his phone so I wouldnt get jealous.When I went through his phone because he was constantly texting someone I knew it was a women straight away just by reading a text mess, it wasnt anything dodgy but I could just tell it was a women by the wording. I confronted him and he denied it so I rang the number female answers! And then he says I have nothing to worry about she was just a friend who he texts now and then-so why lie? Ok I may get funny etc but deal with it. Then i asked who she was he replied an old work colleague.I asked if they had a history together he said no. Mths later I find a old letter (which was written before us) when we were moving house.It was addressed to him from her saying how much she missed him and how horny she was etc . I couldnt believe it, I went mental. I was 3mths pregnant at the time and so couldnt really make a rational decision so I stayed purely for the baby.But had that been the other way round I know he would go mental.

And then one friday night this women friend texts him out of the blue im in destinys tonight which is our local nightclub. Just that 'im in destinys tonight'. What does that say to you, I would take it she was hinting to meet up. But he couldnt see it.Anyway hes on his last chance now.

Have taken a few days to have a good think and still don't rerally know what to do or how I should be feeling.

Mum2Sam, thanks for sharing your story - it sounds like we're in the same boat and going through the same motions. It's horrible, I don't know if I could go through this for 5 years and have not given up, you're stronger than I am.

Ive had to be because of my ds. But dh is on his last chance now.You really need to have a talk with dh about what happened and why maybe you havent had all the answers. You need to explain to him how you feel insecure because of it and that him lying to you even over petty things is adding to these insecuritys. He really needs to build up that trust between the both of you and you need to explain to him that every time he lies he shatters that trust.

M2S, I have told him all of this and he says he understands but then does it all over again.

I have been getting through the last couple of days by telling myself there is no point in worrying, checking his phone and so on because if he wants to do it he's going to do it anyway regardless of whether I'm checking up on him or not. I haven't checked his phone at all this weekend. It has helped though that he has come in at a resonable time every night this weekend and has been really nice to me.

I have decided that I am going to get my own life back again, I have asked him to commit to looking after dd one night a week so I can get a hobby. I am thinking about an evening class or taking up a martial art, just something completely different.

I live my life round him and his plans, what he needs, what he wants to do and I'm not going to do that anymore, I told him this on Friday night when he came in drunk.

I'm still up and down but it's a year on and I've still not come to terms with it, he's right about one thing and that is that I am letting it ruin my life.

I've been feeling very strong the last couple of days, maybe this is what I needed to start to try and put it behind me and move on. Whether that is with or without him remains to be seen and only time will tell.

I hope everything works out for you.