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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you react if.....

58 replies

MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 12:19

your DH was meeting up for drinks with an old girlfriend/female colleague and didn't tell you and it had happened on more than one occasion?

OP posts:
bubblechristmaspop · 17/11/2011 12:13

Five, I'm glad you are sorting it! That thread made me so cross, with him trying to deceive with all the technical mumbo jumbo, he wasn't that good though as we sussed it Wink.

It's so good he finally came clean and made you stop questioning yourself and your sanity, that was just so cruel. But it's good he finally admitted it and is now fixing it.

Op, Charbon raises a good point here. I don't think it's the "incident", what he may or may not have done. Maybe an affair, maybe getting carried away and just in dangerous territory, who knows.

I think the thing you'll find hardest, is the fact, the "divulge all, work it out conversation" he still lied to you.

You came here interpreting "as usual" as more than once, so did literally everyone else. The fact he then admits he was looking to her for emotional support........it's not good.

I think you'll find, knowing he is still lying and not knowing why will probably cause more problems than the "date" they had previous. I'd tread carefully.

fiventhree · 17/11/2011 13:08

Ironically enough, you might find the trust has been damaged far more by his lack of honesty last night, than the original incident. Pragmatically, I'd advise you to be very vigilant because there is a reason he doesn't want you to know the truth.

Charbon, I think this is right. Even now, after everything is out in the open and apologies all round, I still marvel and feel horrible that my h was able to lie to me so frankly, and for so long. Just remembering his face, particularly in the last few weeks, swearing to me that if he could possibly put me out of my misery by telling, he would. Even at Relate, for nearly a month.

They then manage to tell themselves that it would be unfair to tell, it would hurt you too much. My h finally confessed after two incomplete half goes (eg I did receive photos, but men sent them of their gfs). I had passed him a note after an 8 hour conversation saying, one the first side of the page, 'you are not lying to me because you think the truth would be too hard for me to hear', and one the other side of the page 'it is because you cant bear for yourself to tell it'. I walked outside and left him to think about it. Then he told all.

For me, in the end, it came to a point where I was willing to ditch my 20 year marriage in order to hear a story which felt like the truth to me; I had drawn a line. That was scary, in a way, and a small voice was still asking if it was too selfish to others, eg kids, over something quite small ie he wasnt having an affair, as far as I knew. BUT at the end of the day, a lying husband is a lying husband- we all deserve more respect. And anyway, the man loses out for himself without trust- because lack of trust makes us all hold back something to protect ourselves, even subconsciously, and so everyone loses.

fiventhree · 17/11/2011 13:16

Maggie- If you have any lingering doubts at all, I would find that number and call her to ask. Im sorry, I know alot of people would find that shocking, as I would have myself in the past. But it is fair, given the secrecy, and given the 'as usual' remark.

Also, why the hell does he have her on his fb? If they were communicating at all though the private chat fb function, I would also find that suspicious.

fuzzynavel · 17/11/2011 15:40

I see where you're coming from but not sure what calling her would achieve. He may have already primed her about the OP's suspicions. She can also lie too, and probably would.

MortaIWombat · 17/11/2011 19:05

I think I would ring (if I thought I could keep calm), and would politely ask for the ex's honesty, stating that DH had had two previous affairs I knew about in the past couple of years, and I needed to know, because he had been issued an ultimatum and I couldn't live with a third betrayal.

In my fantasy view, the ex would:
EITHER be horrified by the slapper she'd pulled and confess all,
OR be thrilled and confess all so as to nab her man when I dumped his ass,
OR claim ignorance, but be forever wondering if he was cheating on her as well when they were having their meetings at TGIs.

Either way I'd either find out the truth or fuck with her head. And if it were an innocent meeting, no harm done to her, apart from giving her a bad impression of him, and frankly with an ex who's been out of contact for years, who cares?
(unless she was trying to get together with him, and it gave her hope, but frankly the options are making my head hurt now) Grin

Charbon · 17/11/2011 20:44

I would really advise against ringing her at this stage. The issue is not about her intentions, but the H's. If it is already an affair, she might not tell the truth. If it is a budding affair that is wanted by both sides, the same would apply. If she actually meant no harm and literally just saw this as a couple of drinks with an old friend, it's not fair to drag her into this.

Her motives and behaviour actually don't matter - this is all about the husband.

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 20:59

God don't ring, to be honest your issue is not with her it's with him. An ex of mine got in touch a while a go lots of chatting all very friendly, i have no interest in him whatsoever i was a little suspicious as he didn't add me as a friend but just pm'd me so after a while i added him he accepted turned out they had a brand spanking new baby that he had failed to mention instantly he went missing off my FB i presumed she had noticed and made him block me still didn't really care well maybe a little because he was living with me when he ran off with her and got her pregnant 10 years ago anyway he reappeared on my fb a couple of weeks ago and they have split up obviously all of this doesn't really matter to you but my point was, i was just being friendly he obviously had ulterior motives that weren't really my problem. If she had rang me I would have thought she was a crazy psycho because he hadn't told me the whole truth.

tigermoll · 18/11/2011 10:34

Hi there, Five, I remember your thread as well! SO GLAD it is getting better for you, and you are getting the answers that you need from your OH. Well done for being so brave and for sticking to your guns.

As for contacting the OH, I can understand why you might want to, - I would be tempted. And she might not be 'on his side', - I was once contacted by an OW who had found out that the man she was seeing was also my boyfriend, and was horrified. She contacted me, and we had a very amicable and frank exchange of information.

She may not even know that he is married. And when she finds out he is, she might be prepared to be totally honest with you.

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