dp's angry moods with ds (only 3 months old)

[omri]

i have a 3 month old ds and this is my first post on mn :)
i just have been struggling since baby was born with my dp's moods. i love him and i know he loves me but he gets into a mad temper and cant handle it at all when our ds cries for more than a minute. as i say, ds is only 3 months old and is such a good calm and easy baby and has been sleeping through the night (12 hrs a night!) since he was 6 weeks.
i'm on maternity leave and really do everything for the baby. i exclusively bf but now always have a big bottle expressed for his last feed at about 7pm for my dp to give him. but dp just gives him the bottle and hands ds back to me to put him to sleep. i do it just because i get so stressed seeing ds crying and dp getting angry with him for crying when it is time to put him down for the night. (baby is only crying from tiredness and is easy to put to sleep). dp wont even change a nappy without me begging!

i know it is my dp's issue and i have talked to him about it letting him know it is not acceptable behaviour, the baby is only 3 months old and babies cry etc etc. however nothing changes and the same thing happens next time - dp gets into scary dark angry mood and im left to calm the baby.

dp did arrange to see a counsellor but only went once saying it was a waste of time etc...

wwyd? i havent told my family or friends about the situation as im embarrassed by his bad behaviour but it is starting to really get me down.

I just want to send you a big hug and let you know you are not alone.

I struggled for 18 months to deal with Xp's behaviour towards DS. He just couldn't seem to cope with the fact that a baby cries, poos, get's hungry etc etc.

Eventually after a long time I had to accept that his selfishness was not going to change. I think the final straw was the day I came back after leaving them to spend some time together to discover that DS was inside the stairgate he had fitted on the bedroom with the curtains closed. Xp was fast asleep in bed. there were 2 potties full of wee and a poo outside of the stairgate and several half full bottles of milk in the room even though DS had been on solid food for ages.

I woke Xp up and was told that cleaning potties was women's work, it was too much trouble to make food for DS and Xp felt tired from all the crying and so deserved to get some rest.

I picked up DS, walked out, went to my family and never looked back.

Some people cannot cope with the responsibility that being a parent requires. If he does not want help from a counsellor, don't be embarrassed, ask for help for yourself and your son. You need to keep yourself strong for him, whether you chose to stay and try to work it out, or not.

thank you so so much singlevillagemum. it is such a relief to know that i am not the only one to go through this. i only give dp the bottle of expressed milk in the eve for him to give to our baby son as i thought this would help him to bond with him but tbh he just sees it as an annoying chore that i am making him do.

my only fear is that my baby would ever feel unloved by his dad. i know its not something i can control though...

Omri, some serious stuff going on here.

Sadly, you are not the only one to ever go through this.

Please figure out some way of separating from this man.

Your only fear is actually the mildest possible outcome of this situation. I don't mean to make you feel worse than you already do, but if your H inflicts any injury to your DS (and this is likely) social services will be asking you questions. You are right, you can't control your H please start believing this through to the bottom of your heart no amount of appeals to his better nature or to what you assume he must feel deep down for his baby will work here; what you can control is the amount of distance you can put between your H and this vulnerable baby. This is the only part of your situation you can control. Please consider this seriously.

Either your H should leave or you should. Ideally, he should be the one to leave. But either way, you need to separate. The scary, dark angry mood, the refusal to change a nappy, to comfort the baby to sleep -- this man feels nothing but insane jealousy towards his own baby and is immature and irrational enough to behave like a sulking overgrown toddler when the baby intrudes on his reality. He has completely lost sight of what should be important to a new father. He is not protective of you but instead scares you into doing absolutely everything the baby needs done. He begrudges what 'help' he gives and feels he is being put upon. He is asking you to choose him or the baby.

In order to plan better for your future, go to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (they are busy around Christmas, sadly, so be very patient about calling and calling until someone answers). Or if you can afford individual counselling for yourself please, please go and take the baby with you. Do not leave the baby alone with this man.

Do you have family that you could move in with? Have you told anyone in RL about this?

The insane jealousy and anger he is exhibiting are part of the profile of an abusive man. Abusers do not just get jealous of alleged flirting with other men by their wives or partners. They can be equally jealous of their own children, and babyhood is an especially dangerous time for the children of the sort of man you are dealing with.

Please, if you can get a copy, read "The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics" by Lundy Bancroft, Jay Silverman and Daniel Ritchie. Another that you should read is [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=pd_sim_b_1 "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", also by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, please ask MN to repost this thread in 'Relationships'. You will get more replies there.

"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", also by Lundy Bancroft. link again, sorry.

"Also, please ask MN to repost this thread in 'Relationships'." - how do i do this? sorry couldnt see how to do this (unless i just report it?).

i am not scared that he would physically hurt the baby - although of course i cannot know that. in the past month since the baby has become more interactive and engaging (and gives him a big smile whenever he sees his daddy), dp is playing with him and cuddling him much more. but i have to say, dp still has me doing everything. he wouldnt even get out of bed to give the baby a dodee who was asleep beside the bed in his cot (i was in another room and didnt hear it). i dont know if it is unbelievable laziness, or him just being a total jerk, or what.

to be honest, i think dp is suffering badly from depression. he has tried counselling a few times but never sticks with it long enough to see any benefits. he has the dark angry moods not just with baby but also with work (which is getting him into trouble now but thats another story) and with me but i just leave him alone and wait for it to pass in a few hours. its just that i suppose i only now have a serious problem with it because i want my baby to be brought up in a happy healthy peaceful home.......

and no, havent told anyone in rl, i suppose i am too embarrassed by this. i know that is ridiculous but it is true.

It's possible that he's an abusive and controlling twat, but it's also possible that he's suffering from post natal depression if he's only been like this since the baby arrived. PND can affect men too.

omri, you need to talk to people in your life about this. Your dp is not just angry towards his baby, but also towards you, and he is getting into trouble in work too. This man could possibly have some serious anger issues that he cannot control. If he cannot control his anger in work, this is a serious problem. He knows who butter his bread, yet he cannot control it. And he does not believe in counselling.

You should think carefully if you want to continue to let him do the 7 pm feed, just do it yourself. A baby is such a fragile little thing, one shake can cause brain damage. You dont want to risk him inflicting harm on your baby.

Do you have anywhere to go? I agree with phoning womans aid.

Just report your own first post on the thread, and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

I think you scroll up to your OP and click on 'report post' there, and when the dialogue box (?) opens up, ask MN to move the whole thread to Relationships.

If this has been going on for a while and he has tried counselling but hasn't stuck with it, it's probably not PND but either a personality disorder/ MH issue or maybe he's a complete jerk. He clearly feels he can get away with his behaviour at home and that can contribute to not sticking at counselling. Whether issues at work would lead to him taking counselling seriously is hard to predict. Some people who 'don't work well with others' do a nice line in blaming everyone else.

x-post there

thanks i have asked MN to move the thread to Relationships.

wow i am shocked by all the responses i have got. i know i am an extremely patient person and non confrontational, but it seems too much so.

i will talk to womens aid or similar, but the thing is, i am v v v scared to break up with him. i want the "happy family" so much... i have convinced myself this is all fixable and these are just bad times that we have to go through...

Sometimes it's a good idea to take a long hard look at your raw material and ask yourself if the project is feasible.

omri. This behaviour from this 'man' is not right, it's not normal and it's about as far from acceptable as it comes. This is not bad times to get through, this is a one way, dead end street.

What all of them said above me... You need to get him out of your life ASAP.

Remember that this disgusting anger is manufactured, it is designed to get you to cower (and eventually it'll be used against your DS too) and it is designed to put you firmly in your place; never to ask him to lift a finger, never to co-parent, and never to question or challenge him.

This will get worse and worse and worse. Shit it's only been 3m and he's glowering already? and the baby is an angel? WTF is he going to do when your little chaps starts teething? when he is unwell and cries?

GET HIM the hell out of your lives as soon as possible.

This is none of your fault, this is all on him and his warped views, this is all about his control and power over you.

This is NOT fixable. This will only ever get WORSE.

There is something far wrong with a man who acts like this towards his baby. I agree with the other posters who say that you should do what you can to keep him away from your baby.

You know it's not right, so you've not discussed it with anyone irl. He's refusing professional help, and you cannot 'fix' him. I suspect that the dark moods he inflicts on you are awful. He's got no problem turning them on an infant - how would the growing child feel being subjected to them?

Huge red flags here! Sorry op, but these moods? Has he always had them?

How does he handle them?

Please figure out some way of separating from this man.

if your H inflicts any injury to your DS (and this is likely)

jeez, and you diagnose this based on one post?? Would you say the same to a new mum who was finding it difficult to cope with a baby? No I thought not. She would be advised to read a book/go to GP/other helpful stuff.

Nah, on second thoughts, leave the bastard, you obviously picked a bad un

Hi, I have no idea what to say. But this is really not right and sounds downright unhealthy for the baby. I wouldn't want to be in such an environment with a child Please don;t avoid talking to people in real life for fear of embarrassment. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Your husband needs to sort this out but sadly only he can make that decision.

Do you honestly hand on heart believe that the happy family you want actually can happen with this man?

Like another poster said, how will he react if your baby really cries? When baby is unwell, or starting to assert a personality. When baby is a 2 year old with temper tantrums, when he knocks something over, accidentally damages something, brings in mud from the street on his shoes, etc, plays ball in the garden and the ball end up somewhere it shouldnt, what then? YOU have learnt to stay out your dps way, like you say, but what about your child? Will he also learn to cover from daddy and hide? Is this a happy family?

I understand you are scared. Is there anybody you can talk to? Somebody you can go visit? Your parents? Or a good friend?
Do you work? (I understand you are probably on maternity leave now, but do you have a job and colleagues?)

Omri please listen to all the advice here.

If you want the "happy family" then you are going to have to leave him, then you will be incomplete control of the moods within your family (of you and your baby) and you will be able to live happily.

If he's got serious issues with a 3m old baby being a normal baby, he's not suddenly going to pull himslef together and be a model dad to a screaming 18 month old or tantruming 3 year old is he?

*He8 needs to want to change. If he can't even see that there is anything wrong that he needs to change then you might as well cut your losses now.

This was a very scary title. Is he going to be one of those immature angry men who shakes a baby so violently that the baby is brain damaged? Or one who breaks the baby's legs or arms? Or maybe throw him across the room?

You cannot trust him, even briefly.

Can you talk to your Health Visitor? You need to get a fix on what is "normal" with a small baby and what is abusive/anger issues and how serious it is. Don't worry the HV won't blame you, rather see you as responsible and worried and prepared to do something about a potentially dangerous situation.
What is DP's mum like, what was his childhood like? You can't fix DP and with a baby that small you simply won't have the energy/spare emotional capacity to do so.
Can you get your mum, a RL friend round to show him what needs to be done by example or better still your dad/his dad?
Not all dads are hands on, yes their upbringing may say it is woman's work, but notions of parenting have moved on and I bet you didn't think you'd be left doing it all yourself.
DP has some real anger issues that he needs to recognise and deal with. You can't parent a baby and a moody/aggressive teenager - which is what DP is at the moment. And yes, it is very likely sadly that DP will get worse with teething, illness, the mess of weaning, chaos of crawling etc, etc.
So sad you're dealing with this

"he has the dark angry moods not just with baby but also with work (which is getting him into trouble now but thats another story"

it isnt another story - it is all part of the same picture of a man ready to explode.

he gets help or you leave/he leaves until he does.

these bad times may result in injury to you or the baby - you cant just wait for things to get better.

talk to your health visitor and gp - now before it is too late

I know you want the happy family situation, but, if how you are portraying your man acts with the baby when you are present aren't you scared what will happen when you leave them alone together and he can't get the baby to stop crying??

Who doesn't want the happy family situation? But the adults involved need to be singing from the same songsheet. And it doesn't sound as if you're going to get what you want from him. Does he even want it too, if he won't even try to sort it out through counselling?

You can't make this work all on your own.