dp's angry moods with ds (only 3 months old)

[omri]

i have a 3 month old ds and this is my first post on mn :)
i just have been struggling since baby was born with my dp's moods. i love him and i know he loves me but he gets into a mad temper and cant handle it at all when our ds cries for more than a minute. as i say, ds is only 3 months old and is such a good calm and easy baby and has been sleeping through the night (12 hrs a night!) since he was 6 weeks.
i'm on maternity leave and really do everything for the baby. i exclusively bf but now always have a big bottle expressed for his last feed at about 7pm for my dp to give him. but dp just gives him the bottle and hands ds back to me to put him to sleep. i do it just because i get so stressed seeing ds crying and dp getting angry with him for crying when it is time to put him down for the night. (baby is only crying from tiredness and is easy to put to sleep). dp wont even change a nappy without me begging!

i know it is my dp's issue and i have talked to him about it letting him know it is not acceptable behaviour, the baby is only 3 months old and babies cry etc etc. however nothing changes and the same thing happens next time - dp gets into scary dark angry mood and im left to calm the baby.

dp did arrange to see a counsellor but only went once saying it was a waste of time etc...

wwyd? i havent told my family or friends about the situation as im embarrassed by his bad behaviour but it is starting to really get me down.

Well now the drama queens have said their bit i guess it's time for a reality check.

You need to remove yourself from this situation. He's clearly not coping with fatherhood. What he does deserve is the right to explain his behaviour. If he won't/can't then i quite agree him and the baby should only have limited supervised contact.

I'd never look to excuse his behaviour but some blokes just do not take to fatherhood as easily as others. The main worry from what you have posted OP is he appears to have general anger issues. That and a 3 month old (Or any old) are unacceptable.

This is a very distressing thread. I would be so upset if this was the father of my child. It would make me hate him and want to get him out of my life.

Sorry, but how often DOES a new father GLOWER at his 3m old baby? Sitting in a DARK ANGRY MOOD.

Genuine Question.

My DS never slept for anymore than 20m for the first 3 months. My X is abusive, all childcare was magically my responsibility. I was a total wreck on zero sleep for weeks and weeks.

But not ONCE was there any glowering, sure we were told to leave the bed/room to let him sleep, and we had to both (me and baby DS) sleep on the sofa (he wasn't working at the time), but not once was X angry with DS.

thanks everybody for your replies.
i am going to sit down with dp this eve and talk openly about this.
i will let you know how we go. i basically will be telling him this is far far from normal behaviour, i cant live with it for baby's sake, he goes to counselling/doctor does something for real about it or we will have to split up.

i'll also tell my good friend in rl when i see her next.

That's good, omri

Do you feel able to enforce those consequences?

Well done love. Telling your friend is REALLY important. See what SHE says, how her FACE is when you describe this man's behaviour.

Wishing you all the best.

BTW, if the conversation goes badly, please just take your baby and get out, pack a baby bag, just in case.

Not all of this relates to your situation
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php

but take a look as it is a really good visual aid to what you have every right to expect from the father of your child.
Do check in with your health visitor too, if dp is in any way receptive to sorting out his issues then HV might know where he can find some help. The important thing is that he needs to take what he is doing onboard and find some solutions himself. Good luck

That's good news, omri. Be prepared (practically and emotionally) for the conversation to not go the way you want it to. You know how angry he can get.

It's a lot to take in, isn't it?

good luck

but how do you plan to approach it?

"telling" him may not go down well...
try asking him open ended questions maybe?

"do you worry about the impact on baby when you shout and get angry?"
"are you prepapred to go to gp to get help with your anger?"

what will you do or say if he says it is your fault/baby's fault?

is ther any waqy you could have this conversation in day time in a neutral public place where either one of you can easily walk away if he gets cross?

Omri, Please take Cestlavie's suggestions on board.

Do not give him an ultimatum unless you have concrete plans made in the event he says a flat out 'No', 'Later' or 'It's all your fault/all the baby's fault/everyone's fault at the office', 'You have a problem/you're too sensitive/you're hormonal' response. The likelohood of him admitting he has a problem and committing to doing something about it when you tackle him is slim to none.

Tell your RL friend first and at the very least secure a place for yourself and the baby to stay (with her maybe?).

Don't rush into this without covering your back.

the man in pudsey leeds "would never have harmed his kids" either...acc to those who knew the family. you can never say that for sure. if there is anger in someone, you just dont know.

I wouldn't give a man that gets angry with a 3 month old baby for being a 3 month old baby houseroom, I am afraid

He doesn't sound mature enough to be a dad. He sounds like one of those complete cocks that gets jealous of the attention a baby gets.

He is lazy, sexist, slef-entitled and thinks because he has a penis that he gets to call all the shots

You already walk on eggshells to manage his moods. You simply can no longer do this when you have dc. it may be manageable when there was just you two (if you can cope with being a second class citizen, of course)

But once someone with indisputably more needs comes along (and yes, that does include children...they have more needs than a grown man), you will find it harder to control your environment so that his temper is not provoked

is this any way to live ?

are you prepared to live like this ?

we all find a baby's cry difficult to listen to

it's designed that way, it's Mother Nature's ploy to ensure you attend to it's needs ASAP

it's not Nature's Way to get angry and take it fucking personally though...

I'm going to contradict everyone here but please take this with a pinch of salt as my DP is not your DP.

My DP has a fiery temper - throws things, stomps around and rants excessively when angry. He found our DD very difficult to begin with as he couldn't do anything to settle her. He used to get very upset and fidgety if she started crying in the car and we couldn't comfort her. He couldn't stand being helpless and would get frustrated but his mood came out of love for her and just wanting her to be happy. He struggled with her constantly while I was main carer. Then I went back to work. For the first 2 weeks he brought her to my work every day as he couldn't cope. Then he learnt and now is quite hands on. It also gets easier for fathers when babies are more responsive so, say 6 or 7 months old.

It is worth saying though, I was never afraid that my DP would hurt my DD. I knew she was safe in his charge.

Put yourself and your baby first and get rid of this man. It's fine to be a single parent, and much, much better to be a single parent than to have an abusive man in the house, making extra work for you, putting extra stress on you and posing a risk to the baby. There is no possibility that this man's behaviour will improve without sustained professional help, and as he won't seek help, there is no possibility at all, so you need to either leave with your baby or get the man removed from the house.

we had the conversation yesterday and it went well.
we were both very open with each other and he admitted that it isnt normal or acceptable to have behaved like this and that he needs to get more active with the parenting. we talked about A LOT of stuff but basically we are going to get help to sort out the bad moods. he does want to make our new little family work and i explained that the most important thing is that baby grows up in happy and secure environment and if i cant rely on dp for that, then we have to do best for baby and split.

also can i say that that my situation sounds VERY similar to 1Catherine1 and i am not afraid that my dp would ever physically harm our baby. worst would be he would just get so frustrated if baby was crying and he couldnt calm him down after 2 mins then he would just leave him in another room screaming. but that hasnt happened for a month now.

omri, does your dp get enough exercise? Is he fit and healthy?
How is he coping with stress?

My husband had a period of being very temperamental, he would shout, slam doors, etc. It was never directed at the kids or me, it was just general, when work got to him, he took it out on the environment around him. But now when he feels frustration build up, he goes for a jog, or a cycle ride, or he cycles to the gym and lifts weights. We find that the fitter he gets, the better he manages his own moods. I know, that if my husbands get some exercise 5 out of 7 days, he is a sunny delight to be around.

He also eats a lot of natural omega3 from either tuna, salmon or mackerell. If he does not eat oily fish one day, he takes an omega3 supplement before going to bed. It contains a natural anti depressant. It really works.

If he really wants to turn his moods around, I have two recommendations in addition to therapy:
Fitness regime
Omega3

Oh God. You sound exactly like me a few years ago. I tried everything to appeal to his sense of responsibility as a parent, tried to make it easier for him, ended up doing loads of stuff because I couldn't bear to see DS suffer XP's horrendous snappy moods. No child deserves that.

I'm going to be blunt; you may not be ready to hear this yet but hopefully at some point you will. He's never going to change. In fact, he will probably get worse. This type of behaviour springs from a deep-rooted and unconscious attitude of entitlement that will never go away. I know you really want to make this work but you are never going to be able to, not with this man in the mix. It just gets worse and worse and you can't MAKE a person change.

The only, only way they will ever improve is if, independently of anything you do or say, THEY recognize they have a problem and seek help themselves. Such men have to be really motivated to change and even then the habits of a lifetime are hellish hard to break. The percentage of such men who actively seek treatment because they realize there is something wrong with the way they are behaving is tiny. Of those, not all succeed in changing. From what you have said (1 'token' visit to the counsellor) your DP is not one of this tiny percentage.

I really wish I'd got out when my DS was small before DP could fuck him up too much; it DOES affect them even at a young age and you can't protect your son from his horrible moods if he is living in the same house as your DP. You just can't.

I left my XP in the end; it took me three goes, once when I was pregnant when we stayed living under the same roof, once when DS was 7months when I moved out for a month or two and then went back, defeated by PND, and last and third time was the charm, when DS was 20 months. I wish I'd left him sooner. Now me and DS live in our lovely little rented cottage, I work from home and look after him, have just finished my OU degree and am very happy. Right now DS is making mess with glitter and glue in the kitchen with his granny and there is no-one scowling, glowering, huffing or slamming out in protest at the disruption to his tightly ordered world. DS sees his Dad 3 times a week in the day and comes home tired and subdued, but he is so much better off than if he got to see me constantly shamed and talked down to by his Dad, day in, day out. He has a happy mum and his Dad and I are civil to each other. I have a lovely new DP who makes me so happy and treats me really well, does all the right things. The contrast is startling. The thing is, I received better because I DEMANDED better, and I could only do that when I realized I deserved better. That took me a long time. If you saw a counsellor on your own it might fast-track your self esteem a bit so you could learn that the only acceptable way of dealing with blokes like this is to hightail it out of there, because they will never never change but you can change your life and be happy, and you should :)

Parenting From the Inside Out is a book tht can be useful, alongside counselling, for examining the ways strong parent / carer emotions might be triggered by typical kids' behaviour - and looking at ways of working on (his) responses.

that is good omri but what is the strategy for today tomorrow and the next few weeks before he sees a counsellor/therpaist/GP?

has he called GP today to book an appointment or is it a vague oh yes i will do that maybe next year ... ?

have you agreed on a specific strategy eg if baby cires and he cant handle it he will leave the room rather than getting angry at/to/in front of baby?

have you talked about him taking deep breaths and counting to ten before shouting? (or something else concrete and practical)

what has he specifically agreed to do the next time the baby cries and he feels cross?

(and actually i think all of us enjoy the baby more when they get to 6 or 7 months - each phase willl pass - but we have to quickly learn ways to deal with our frustrations.

leaving baby crying in a room and taking time out is fine. so long as baby is safe warm changed - that is a really good strategy.
much better than screaming at baby or other actions

now when he starts to get frustrated with the baby he says to me, i cant handle this right now, can you take over. which i do and then there are no fights. that has happened two or three times in the past month and there have been no dramas. he is more relaxed around the baby in general now too, i think coz baby is responding to him with big smiles and stuff too.

QuintessentiallyFestive, my dp used to cycle all the time but has given it up for the past while - i do think that getting out a bit more would help his mood. i even notice that he is in better form after we have gone for a walk with the baby in the pram. i'll suggest the omega3 too.

i know though that this wont go away by itself and counselling is key to this situation. i'll let you know how we get on.

thanks for all the feedback. i really appreciate it.