DH body hair removal obsession

[TheEpilator]

I have name changed but I promise you I am not a troll! A few weeks ago DH joined a gym. Shortly afterwards he asked me to remove his back hair as it was embarrassing in the pool. I obliged because I thought the epilator would be hilariously painful, although I made it clear that I loved his body the way it is.

He then started talking about how he wanted to remove all his body hair as it makes him feel dirty and he felt that he would be happier if he was completely hairless. I got v upset, as I have always had a bit of a thing for hairy men and had no issue with his back hair or any other.

He said that as we don't have sex often enough that my opinion on his body didn't really count and that if it made him happy I should support him. I said it made me feel sick that he wanted to do it and that I wouldn't ever be able to go near him, that it would be the end of our physical relationship.

He didn't do it, but now I know that's how he feels I can't look at him in the same way. I have lost respect for him and find him sexually repulsive. Please help me!

Newbee, I wouldn't mind if it was just the back and maybe a bit of trimming, but it was the way he said that he felt that it would make him happy to be completely smooth and it came completely out of the blue while we were sitting in the sunshine relaxing, it was almost like he'd been hiding some big secret all along, wishing he was something else.

I don't mind him taking care of himself, he shave his head once a week, face every other day etc, but this is extreme by anyones standards, especially as he is pretty hairy.

OK, some suggestions, just to get your own ideas rolling:

I don't feel like he enjoys being with me except in bed,
Tell him that, in those words

doesn't get involved with DCs,
Tell him how this makes you feel. See if he comes up with spontaneous suggestions, or whether he goes into blame-shifting mode.

he was working away a lot last year, so felt a bit like a stranger when he was home.
Ask yourself why this is still bothering you now, when presumably (as I read it) the working away has stopped? What unresolved issues from that time still need to be resolved?

He spends money we don't have on 'toys' for himself,
Tell him how this makes you feel. See if he comes up with spontaneous suggestions, or whether he goes into blame-shifting mode.
Buy toys for yourself too...

but makes me feel bad for spending on DCs/food/clothes etc.,
Stop feeling bad: these are necessary and useful household purchases.
Don't defend them.

I feel like I'm on my own a lot, as even when he's here we have little in common.
Tell him how this makes you feel. See if he comes up with spontaneous suggestions, or whether he goes into blame-shifting mode.

I thought it would be good to share a hobby and that we could both run and take DCs out on bikes at the weekends, but he prefers to go alone and started getting competitive about how far he'd run etc.
Ask yourself why this makes you feel so rejected. What are the underlying, unresolved issues?
Ignore any competitive statements, since you don't want to enter into a battle about who's better between the two of you.
Tell him how you feel.
Suggest joint running.

Above all: KNOW YOURSELF: your needs, your wants, your feelings. You have a right to all of these. And only you can put forward your needs, your wants, your feelings. You can't expect anyone to fulfill these for you, but you can decide how to act if these needs/wants/feelings of yours are not being met.

Maybe it is because he is so hairy he wants to get rid of it.

He probably feels self conscious at the gym because a lot of the men there won't be all that hairy. Maybe they are making jokes about his back hair or people are looking at him funny back hair isn't known to be popular you know.

Thanks Puppy. I have tried talking to him about all of it, but he is in denial about his lack of involvement and says I expect too much of him, he says that he doesn't realise that he makes me feel bad when he questions what I spend etc, but then does exactly the same again.

The working away thing is a bit irrelevant now, I only mentioned it as it did affect our relationship and I felt awkward being intimate with him when I hadn't seen him for weeks, although we got on much better in general living apart.

I haven't been that 'into' sex for years due to various medical/emotional issues so I know its frustrating for him, but he knows that if he wants it more often he needs to be more involved with me on a daily basis, as thats the only way I can be relaxed enough with him to want/enjoy it. When I do feel like it I really enjoy it and resolve to do it more often, then it fizzles out and he'll do something annoying and piss me off so I don't really want to.

Cold Truth, no-one will be making fun of him, he's not at primary school!

He's certainly no hairier than a lot of the men I've seen there and although I know many people think back hair is worse than chest hair etc, I don't, I find hairy men sexy.

I did however, remove his back hair for him as i knew he didn't like it, but i didn't realise it would open up the flood gates to talk about shaving his legs/armpits/chest etc. If it had stopped with the back I'd be ok with that as a compromise.

So him removing his hair is not really the issue then?

Thingumy, its probably the one thing I can't seem to get over as it seems so out of character it has made me question how well I know him at all.

So talking to him isn't getting through: you're "expecting too much."

He knows the changes you require but isn't applying them, or only for a short while.

What now, then?

Dunno! I've talked about us splitting up but can't face the upheaval of it for all of us. I'd rather try and resolve what we can, ignore the rest and hope life starts looking up. Not much of a plan I know...

TheEpilator
Men often make fun of each other, whilst they may do it in a jokey kind of way if you have a problem with something then you might be a bit more worried about it.

Then again maybe he has plans on being a body builder they are completely hairless (except for their heads)

I've talked about us splitting up but can't face the upheaval of it for all of us. I'd rather try and resolve what we can, ignore the rest and hope life starts looking up. Not much of a plan I know...

Well if it's your plan, it's your plan. Only you can judge whether it's working for you or not, and readjust it as need be.

How are you going to tackle this part of the plan: "ry and resolve what we can" ?

*try

Cold Truth, I did ask him about it when he first mentioned it, if there was a particular reason he was feeling self conscious about it but he said no, it was something he'd always hated and that he just felt it would make him happier. He is bald on top and always said if he had hair he would still shave it off and complains that my hair tickles his face when he cuddles me, so I know he's not a big hair lover, but even so that's quite a leap to getting rid of it ALL!

As for the body-builder thing, maybe if he was tanned and muscly it might look ok, but he is, with all due respect, going to need more than a tube of veet to look like a body builder!

When a committed partner develops a sudden passion for a hobby and seems determined to change their appearance, one thing springs to mind - and it's not trichotillomania, I'm afraid. Is he having an affair?

Please pardon my unsympathetic bluntness here, but your relationship sounds rather distanced and combative already. I can't tell from your posts whether you want to do everything to turn it around, or if you feel as though you've used up all your enthusiasm. If the latter ... well, maybe let him get on with it, eh. Could smooth the passage to a civilised breakup.

Again: sorry for being blunt.

Puppy, I suppose budgeting would help, so that we can see what we both spend, what is left (and therefore up for grabs) and what is or isn't reasonable to spend on ourselves.

I am helping myself by getting out with or without DCs, so that I can enjoy family life without expecting him to be involved with us if he doesn't want to.

I have been reading books about staying together for the children and accepting that not all marriages will be happy ones - not sure how healthy that is for any of us, but I suppose its about making the best of what you have.

books about staying together for the children and accepting that not all marriages will be happy ones

• This is bonkers. Why would you want to teach your children that unhappiness is inevitable in adult relationships and must be tolerated?

Garlic, pretty sure (as anyone can be) that there is no affair. He isn't the most sociable bloke ever and would generally use some jokey-misogynistic line like "what do think I'm stupid, one woman is more than enough ear-ache" if ever the suggestion were made.

I feel like we've been here so many times, trying to change things, him blaming me for wanting too much, me blaming him for not being affectionate enough, that yes, I've probably used up all my enthusiasm and I'm now resigned to either accepting our relationship with its short-comings or having to call it a day!

I suppose I'm just scrabbling around for alternatives to divorce as it is so, well, final.

Three words spring to mind here...

Life's Too Short!

Why stay with someone who obviously makes you miserable and has done for a while for the children? They will pick up on all the negativity and you won't do them any favours in the future.

Kaluki, I know. I've been trying to make a list of best/worst case scenarios if we stay together or not to help me decide.

I don't want to be miserable, but in all honesty I'm not sure being a single mum of 3 and having to move out of our home would make me any happier (finances wouldn't stretch to 2 places without me moving). I would be even more lonely and struggle even more with money, so it makes me think maybe I should put up with this, as the problems seem to stem from loneliness and lack of money!

If we split up I'd still have the issues with him not having time for the DCs, he'd still want to know where his money was being spent and you can guarantee he'd find someone else to take the strain at home and soothe his brow after a hard day at work.

I'm not sure I would find or need another relationship as I have plenty of good friends and don't need sex to be happy, so I'd have to watch him rebuild his life, without the ties of being a full-time parent while I struggle in much the same way as I am doing on my own. I just wonder if living separately but together might be a good compromise?

Does it sound like a good compromise to you?

OP - this can be done but I for one would not be able to succeed co-habiting with someone I no longer loved and be able to bring up healthy happy children.

I believe two happy parents apart is better than two uhappy parents "existing" together.

We also only have one short life.

Fuzzy, I know what you're saying, but I wonder if I would actually be happier if we were apart with the added complications that brings.

What I'd actually like is to find a way to get over my problems with him and accept that he has different ideas to me on many issues. If I sort out the money issue and accept that I will be the main care-giver most of the time, then it comes back to the hair thing. People advising that I should let him do what he wants with himself and love him anyway are obviously on the right track with their DPs, live and let live.

I wonder if I can let him be who he wants to be, and fill in the blanks with friends and family. I read a thread earlier about a guy who wanted his DP to wee on him for sexual gratification, so maybe shaving isn't so bad in that context?!

OP, my DP is also hairy and I, like you love a hairy man. He's not so keen so shaves it off every now and again during summer. It's fine.

On the other issue, what would you have to sacrifice for this? Would you both "pretend" and go through the motions? Would you just live together and have separate lives outside the home?

Sound a very sad existance Emilator.