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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone survived an affair?

31 replies

barmybird · 03/01/2006 08:35

Simple question- If so how?

Husband trying to convince me to try again but I'm extremely wary.

How did you or are you making it work?

OP posts:

MrsMiggins · 03/01/2006 09:36

Hi Barmybird

I remember reading about Sykes whose husband left her for a year, and then wanted to come back, so she made him live by himself for 6 mths to prove he wanted to make things work.

I guess buying a house by yourself is a big step BUT not necessarily closing the door on your H.
Surely you still want to buy a house for you & DD, so maybe he has to sit it out for 6 mths and prove to you, and then he can move in. At least this way you'd have financial stability if he turned out to be hedging bets or lying.

Im sure someone else will be along soon
Keep strong

Original poster

barmybird · 03/01/2006 09:54

Thats my feelings MM. I don't want to let the house that I have found go just for us to be back in the same position after a couple of months. My plan is to proceed with the purchase- as you say he could always move in if he proved himself. I want stability for me and my dd. I feel like we have earned this, whilst he has been off out having a good time. Just wondered how other people have dealth with this.

Hope things are ok with you.

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MrsMiggins · 03/01/2006 09:56

H being an a#rse as usual

taken day off work to sort out house & finance
rang mediation today and probably going by myself to begin with

H annoying me too as when he phones, he sounds so friendly on the phone - I just pass him over to DS who speaks for 30 secs & then switches the phone off.

Original poster

barmybird · 03/01/2006 09:59

They certainly know how to press our buttons don't they.

I have taught dd to hang up too, it saves me having to talk to him too much!

I know a good solicitor and counsellor if you need one.

Keep going, you are doing so well.

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gravity · 03/01/2006 11:54

my only advice is do what you think is right for you.

if you choose to make it work, its not easy. am trying that at the moment - nearly 7 months later, its rough, painful and tiring.

we have one good day to about ten bad ones. i have my days where i wonder why i'm even trying to make it work

you sound level headed and sensible, good for you, maybe i should have made the same choice as you sweetheart and i wouldn't feel so tired and down.

good luck in whatever you decide x

Original poster

barmybird · 03/01/2006 12:21

Hi gravity. Sorry things sound so hard for you. Can I ask have you had any time apart? is husband trying to make ammends for his behaviour? mine seems to think that simply saying his affair is over is enough!

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gravity · 03/01/2006 12:26

no time apart, i dont know what to think at moment, probably should have.

i see glimpses of him trying to make amends but he never quite makes it, mind you i might be expecting too much, i dont know anymore.

ditto on the answer given by dh - it sucks! a real cop out!

sorry barmybird having a low day after christmas and ny hype etc.

ps - if only it was simple

Original poster

barmybird · 03/01/2006 12:50

Don't know what to say gravity. I guess there must have been a reason for you deciding to try again. Perhaps you need to look at that?

I REALLY hope things improve for you. You are obviously a strong person. Look after yourself.

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gravity · 03/01/2006 12:57

what do you want? ..... deep down? whats your gut instinct?

maturer · 03/01/2006 20:18

Hi all and Happy New Year (despite the circumstances)
gravity I think you are right- go with your instincy barmybird- even though you probably feel your world has been shaken so much that you can't trust your instincts anymore, but you can.
there is no one right way to deal with the trauma of trying to survive an affair- you must do what YOU feel is right for you.
I am just passing the 2 year mark form first finding out my dh was having an affair. For me I did not want him to go I wanted us to deal with it together and I felt he has to see my pain and get real about what was going on- I felt for him to leave would have made it easy for him. So he stayed ( well he left me - for one night then came back ) and we made a go of it.
I feel 2 years on my ratio of good bad days is the opposite to gravity ie 10 good to 1 bad- that is now. It took a while to get to that and a lot of tears and honest talking and counselling.
Barmybird- there are others who needed the space and felt they could not go on without major changes. I think from what you've said you've already decided that you need the space. If he truely still wants you after what he's done then he can show it by respecting your choice and will have to slowly try to "win" you back again.
be strong honey- take control for what you want. I chose to stay living together and work through it together but it was my choice ( not a case of I can't live without him- I learned just how strong I could be when this all happened)It was my choice and he had to work hard to put it right again. 2 years on we are still working at it- for me I don't regret my choice- stay true to yourself.

Original poster

barmybird · 03/01/2006 21:45

I think what concerns me is that he feels saying she has gone is enough. He seems to want to just pick up were we left off before all the crap hit the fan, including resumning a sexual relationship.

For me I want him to show me that he can be trusted and that he is worth having. My gut instinct is that he doesn't want us enough to put in the effort that is required. He wants a quick an easy fix which just isn't possible.

Moving in together at the moment for me is not an option and I guess that is going to be the deciding factor.

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Original poster

barmybird · 08/01/2006 11:25

Well we are agreed that we are not moving in together, he has found a house which he wants to buy. He feels we can both proceed with our house purchases and just spend some time together if we want to get back together we can then rent one of them out. This sounds fine to me, but its still this persisting belief that I will now jump back into bed with him which is bothering me.

I'm not being unreasonable asking him to show me he is worth having am I?

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MrsMiggins · 08/01/2006 11:54

I certainly wouldnt sleep with him for a while

having separate houses is a good idea but it also gives him the opportunity to play around still

you need to be 110% sure that he is trying and being faithful while apart

Original poster

barmybird · 08/01/2006 14:31

I have no intention of sleeping with him, its just weird that he thinks I will. Its like his recent behaviour is inconsequential now hes decided he'd like to have another go at his marriage. This is the man I caught in bed with his gf 24 hours after saying he wanted to try again the first time! why would I believe him now when he says his gf is no more?

He still does his own thing, I've no idea where he is half the time. He knows were I am- here with dd.

I have told him we need to start dating again if he is really serious about this- I want him to court me I guess, old fashioned word I know, but I want him to try and make ammend for his behaviour. The fact that he continues to make no effort and get cross at the lack of sex perhaps says it all.

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gravity · 08/01/2006 14:35

regardless of all else - if your like me seeing your partner "with" someone else causes a pain so deep.... i am so sorry you saw that .... can you get over that?

Original poster

barmybird · 08/01/2006 14:56

There are lots of images that hurt me. Could I ever get over them? I really don't know.

At the moment I can't begin to try as he is still living in his own little world, were his wife falls at his feet when he decides to come back. He says I can't manage without him , don't know what he thinks I've been doing for the last few months whilst he has been out enjoying himself. He has underestimated me there, I can manage without him and in some ways will be better off (only 1 child to look after).

Just feel like shaking him. If he would just pull his finger out there could be the potential for a return to family life!Each time he hurts me however the chances get slimmer and slimmer.

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gravity · 08/01/2006 15:05

you are such a strong person barmybird - not barmy at all!
you will make the right decision, i can tell x

Original poster

barmybird · 08/01/2006 15:16

I'm no stronger than you gravity. We are both dealing with cheating husbands just in different ways.

Time moves on and I guess it will all come out in the wash (as my mum says). Deep down I think I know he's not going to make any effort, which means I have to carry on with my plans for my dd sake. Its not what I want, I wanted my daughter to have the stable loving family I never had, but it looks like its not to be (or at least not with him )

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Original poster

barmybird · 08/01/2006 21:08

In tears again. Will I ever learn. Just had a massive row with husband. He tells me he would work at our marriage if I could show him some affection!!! This is a never ending nightmare.

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MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 08:21

oh barmybird
so sorry this is still messing you up
I really do think you need to be strong and tell him that HE is the one who needs to be convincing you and that if he isnt going to try OR is going to keep telling you its your fault, then you're just not interested

you deserve better than this man as he keeps proving to you

email me if you want a chat - Im out this am but in rest of day

chin up

MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 08:50

and just remember the quote you gave me recently

'you may have a fresh start anytime you choose, for this thing we call failure is not falling down, its staying down'

I keep saying it to myself and it does help

gravity · 09/01/2006 10:18

that is a good phrase and good advice

your sounding very well mrs m! its great to hear. x

barmybird - let me guess the lack of affection in the majority of the males mind..... not jumping into bed? gee whizz!

Original poster

barmybird · 09/01/2006 20:10

Thanks both. I'm ok today, I just need to be stronger. Wish there were tablets for this.

My solicitor is chasing me for a final decision about wether to serve the divorce papers. Told husband this today and his only comment was- go ahead, throw it all away. Talk about a guilt trip.

Struggling, my brain tells me to get it over with, my heart tells me there may still be a chance. I've asked him to come round later so we can talk this through once and for all, I don't think he will. If not then I guess I press ahead although part of me really doesn't want to.

My bright start is that the purchase of our new home is progressing. We should be in mid Feb. Anyone for a house warming???

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MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 20:44

well you know I'll be at your house warming

hes playing with you - you know that

on your behalf

Original poster

barmybird · 09/01/2006 20:58

Well he's called my bluff. He's on his way! think stong thoughts for me.

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