please help advise me? can't stop crying

[mumtomybeautifulboys]

I have two little boys with my DP and I'm 10 weeks pregnant.

I just spent a weekend at my mums because of all the bad feeling and arguing with DP.

I came back today, I've been very nice and affectionate with DP but I did mention how he'd only applied for one job in two years and we won't get married while he's unemployed, because I'm embarrased. I want to have a better life with him and to respect him more but he just will not work.

Later I mentioned how he really needs to bath, it's been over a week and he smells like stale sweat, I said I'm so sorry to bring it up, but I just wish he'd take responsibility for his hygiene. He said well I could be more tactful as he thought I'd been rude. The most offensive thing I'd said was that he smells like stale sweat which he does, and I shouldnt have to remind him to bath all the time.

Bedtime come, I read the boys a story and put them to bed.
For some reason I mentioned how he only puts the boys to bed about once a week.
He said well at least he doesnt go fucking around (in front of the kids) I keep asking him please don't swear near them.
I said I've been to my mums, he said 'yeah right, and what was you doing the rest of the time'.
Bassically accused me of cheating on him. I've never cheated on him, buit he keeps saying I do.

Then he said he's leaving me anyway and he went to bed, when I was finished putting the boys to bed and sorting the dogs out I went to bed.

I woke him and asked him why he said I'd been fucking around, he's basically saying I'm a slut by saying that and it's really hurtful, I'm carrying his baby I wish he'd respect me more.
He said well I could be for all he knows.
I asked if he was really leaving me, he said yes, and went back to sleep.

I started crying (I rarely cry, and I couldn't stop, because I jusst don't know what to do being pregnant to him and it doesnt seem like he loves me anymore and I don't know if I'll cope with another baby if he leaves)

I tried to put his arms around me, he woke up and said 'there there its okay'.
and I was sobbing.
Then he got angry and said for fucks sake he cant get back to sleep now and turned over.

I left the room, and went downstairs and have been crying like I havent done for years, because I'm actually considering abortion because the situation is so bad, but I don't think I'd forgive myself.
I'm been hyperventilating and ended up crying loudly, he didn't even come down.

What should I do?

Some facts;
My older child isn't his, my younger one he's cared for since birth, but isnt biologically his.
and I can't stay at my mums for more than a few days.

I'm confused - you say you have two children with him, then you say they're not his. Also, if he's as bad as you say why get pregnant?

It's just asthough they are his, he's cared for them for two years, he's their dad.

The pregnancy wasn't planned.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. If he isn't interested, despite how upset you are, then for tonight at the very least it isn't worth it. Put yourself first for tonight and try to rest. You can't make decisions in this state. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

You don't want to marry him while he's unemployed because you'd be embarrassed, but you're happy to have a child with him even though he's not got off his arse in the past 2 years to look for work?

Am I missing something?

From what you've said, he's a dirty lazy sponger benefit claimer and now the taxpayer is going to have stump up for his child unless, of course, you are in full time employment and he's been a sahd?

Somehow I'm guessing that's too much to hope for but, nevertheless, it's not surprising that 'words have been exchanged' if you've been away for the weekend and have chosen to criticise him (albeit rightly) for three of his 'faults' within a short time of your return.

Sorry, but what are either of you getting from this relationship? I'd be very wary of him accusing you of cheating - it's a common tactic used by cheats to divert suspicion from themselves.

So he doesn't work by choice (I'm assuming from your posts he's able to work), doesn't wash, swears in front of your children, says he's leaving you, you're rude to him and nag him about his faults. Are you happy together? Doesn't sound like it. So why stay together?

And if she's genuine? her first language is not English? She is not so privileged as to have had a 'perfect' upbringing and be doing the A level, gap year, uni, NGO idealistic progression through her world???

FFS MN get out of your own arse

OP, I have to agree with AnnieLobeseder; his accusations are likely a red herring, meant to divert you from asking what he was up to when you were at your mother's.

By all means, let him leave. You deserve his respect, since I presume you are keeping this unwashed sponger? He has applied for only one job in two years? Fucksake!

What is his normal behaviour like? Is he always like this, or is it new? Or new depths of disrespect?

You went to your mum's for the weekend because of all 'the bad feeling and arguing' and as soon as you returned, it started all over again.

And I've just noticed that after your first 3 rounds he took himself off to bed and went to sleep. Whereupon you woke him up to have another go at him.

After round 4, he went to sleep again - and you woke him again for round 5.

All I can say is that if you've been crying downstairs loudly enough to hope that he'll hear and rouse himself yet again from his slumber, I hope you haven't got any near neighbours.

This relationship isn't going anywhere is it, honey? Do you own/rent your home? Is it in your name?

FWIW, as far as I'm aware, MN is open to all - and that means ALL regardless of race/gender/age/status/creed etc.

Is he depressed? Although only applying for one job in two years smacks if laziness, the lack of washing and paranoia sound like depression to me. Being able to sleep so deeply too.

People are right though, in your state you need to be thinking of you. How do you feel about the situation? Get some rest for now and come at this with a clear head in the morning.

Then make a list of things that you need to happen, things that you'd like to happen and things that would be the cherry on top. Then start working on how to make them happen. Breaking up a problem into smaller parts can make that problem suddenly manageable.

Even if that problem is a depressed/lazy DP and a of you.

I really need to proofread properly.

a pg you

He's jealous and accuses you of infidelity

He doesn't wash

He does next to nothing with the children

He is unemployed and unmotivated to change that situation

You aren't getting what you need from him

Yet you are hanging on and getting upset that he won't do what you want him to, and arguing with him in a desperate and needy way -- waking him up several times in the night to keep the argument going until you get what you want, even though it is quite clear at this point that he simply doesn't want to give you what you want.

Your relationship does not sound mature or healthy.

If you can't get what you need from him, start relying on yourself instead.

Carantala,

Of course, it depends what you mean by 'intelligent women'. If you mean that intelligence is defined by holding patronising and arrogant views akin to that of a Daily Mail journalist, then yes, you are well qualified.

As far as I recall, when I joined MN, I didn't need to disclose whether I went to university, or indeed, submit my latest IQ report. Anyone can submit posts on this public forum and until a MN moderator thinks otherwise, all posts should be presumed genuine.

There are many women on MN who have plucked up enormous courage to seek help to move out of toxic relationships and many have succeeded in doing so.
Such distasteful attitudes like yours may have the effect of discouraging those individuals who really need MN's support to better their lives.

You perhaps should bite your tongue a bit harder in future.

Sorry OP for gatecrashing, but I couldn't let this pass without comment.

Betty.

well said Bettyswalloxs!!

Good post Betty.

I am not sure why people are being quite so blunt with the OP

OP I can totally understand why you are upset and I am surprised people seem to think it is OK to let his frankly appalling behaviour go unchallenged.

That aside the question has already been asked - what on earth are you getting from this? At best he is depressed (lack of motivation/interest in hygiene). At worst he is cheating (defensive deflective attitude)

Depending on personal circumstances (who owns/rents property) I would return to your mums for a few days and think about what you really want out of your future.

Advise you? Do you really want to hear it?

By your own admission, he is lazy, doesn't wash and doesn't work. He doesn't help you around the house and is accusing you of cheating and saying that in front of your children. You don't want to marry him as its embarrassing that he doesn't work, but have decided to have a child with him regardless.

What all of this says to me is that you have poor judgement and probably no self esteem at all. You can't stop crying as you are a) pregnant and hormonal and b) because you know that you are onto a loser here.

My advice is to start planning how you can go about taking responsibility for your own future and that of your children.

What exactly would you miss about your DP if he did walk out??

OP you have a huge self-esteem problem- for whatever reason, and it is this that will prevent you from finding happiness unless you try and deal with it You sound like a loving partner and a good Mum but you are allowing your partner to call you a 'slut', accuse you of cheating and turn on you if you dare to question the fact that he is lazy/dirty etc. Instead of setting (and keeping) ultimatums, you cuddle him and try to sooth his unreasonable behaviour away. You won't. He has seen that he can get away with compete non-contribution to the relationship with little more than a gentle chastisement so he has no incentive to change.

You need to start believing that you deserve better than this - especially now you are pg again. How you do this is up to you but I would suggest counciling or if you can't face that, read some books and take it slowly.

Your partner may be in a rut of low self worth himself. Most men would rather be employed than not, again, especially with a a baby on they way, so he may be feeling a bit shit himself but you are not his mum and he needs to man up and start taking responsibility. But this won't happen if you continue to forgive his appalling behaviour. You can only change him by changing the way you deal with him, so take strength from your DCs and your bump and start asserting yourself. You DESERVE better.

What babyheave said, basically

You are getting it in the neck a bit here OP. I'm not sure why.

I think that you basically have to stop crying, think straight and speak to your Mum about this. Your DP sounds like an arse - he is abusive, however I think you are feeding the conflict. I think its best to get away.

WRT your pregnancy - don't make up your mind so definately. I would advise you speak to a DR or nurse and discuss your options. Pre my DS I would have rather shot myself than have a termination but now I am more open-minded about it precisely because I haven't just got myself to think about but also DS's health and happiness.

Come on, you can sort this out - for youself and for your boys. Just put your feelings about what your DP has said out of your mind. His opinion is not gospel - sounds like you'd all be better off without him although I know it must hurt.

Oh - but I'm really not advising you to have a termination. Sorry - just read that back, please don't take it as anything other than advice to get information.

Op - please don't take this the wrong way but what have you been through in the past to lower your self esteem to a point that you think any of his behaviours, let alone combined, are acceptable characteristics for your partner to have?

He sounds utterly horrible. Leave. Think about the baby later, leaving him doesn't mean you have to have a termination.

If he is not suffering from depression then he is being a complete ar**hole!!! You already have 2 kids & 1 on the way do you need him acting like a 4th & making you so unhappy, I'd say you deserve better than him & I would be putting the flags out if he left not crying!!