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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

would you trust this man?

40 replies

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 15:10

Ive name changed but Im on here alot!!

My good friend married a man after 8 years together. A year into it he left her for his pregnant OW who he had only known two months. It was heartbreaking but, she survived.

A year ago she met a man. A real charming ambitious man from abroad but, based in her town (his job is in my title) In the first three months together he was going back and forth to his home country and, been the cynic that I am, told her to keep an eye on that situation. She laughed and said he'd never even lived with a woman. He openly told her from the beginning how much he had slept around as he had been single for a long time (the job gives him plenty of opportunity). All the time shes checking his phones and computers for anything. Theres one woman ringing him constantly whom he fondly calls his "stalker" again, being the cynic I am I told her that it was probably a gf he was trying to dump or still shagging. Some bloody friend I sound like! Smile

Anyways, she has been to his home country twice. He has wined dined and romanced her and she has never seen anything to say that he is with other women. He wants to move in with her. They are supposed to be going to his country this week and last night he confessed that when they met He was living with a woman back in his home town and that he finished with her after afew weeks. He didnt want to tell my friend at the time because she had just told him about her cheating exhusband.

She doesnt know what to do. Hes begging her not to finish it.

Has anyone got any advice? she hasnt picked up the phone to him yet. Thanks in advance.

off to check namechange

OP posts:
Doha · 13/11/2011 15:19

The relationship is built on lies. His excuse for not telling your friend is pretty weak but if he is being honest l can see why he didn't tell the truth. However if this "stalker" is the OW it looks as if there could be some unfinished business there.
Personally l would not allow him to move in but just continue with things as they are right now. Give it a bit of time, see what happens.
Tell your friend to keep her twat radar on high alert.

TheMonster · 13/11/2011 15:21

Warning bells are ringing loud and clear to me!

susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 15:21

He sounds fickle tbh and I think he will move on after the intial honeymoon period is over.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 13/11/2011 15:25

So how old is this man? Is he from a European country or does he require a visa to facilitate his stays in the UK?

Whatever your friend may not have seen in his home country, I suspect that this man is married and the alleged 'stalker' is his wife.

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 15:26

Am I right in thinking she'd get free flights? If so, there's no huge cost/commitment in him arranging for her to visit him, is there?

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 16:02

Sorry, I was trying to be as blurry as I could Smile

He's European, does not need any kind of visa and has a very well paid job.

The woman he was living with was in his home town, a couple of hours flight away.

The "stalker" is an English woman he was going out with and Im even trying to work out where she fitted in if he was meant to be living with someone when he met my friend a year girl.

He is fiercely driven and theres a good chance he will get posted somewhere hot in the next six months. Friend had come around to the idea of going with him.

No free flights with all the cut backs, she has been paying for her own although hes happy to pay £500 quid a night for their hotels.

Should she go away with him this week?

OP posts:
Doha · 13/11/2011 16:17

Hmm so there is a 3rd female in the mix. Doesn't sound too good then to be honest. As you say where does she fit into this.

Not enough information to decide what to longterm, but a break away next week could be okay but should he be posted and go somewhere hot in 6 months without your friend then l would be worried.

Having just read that back l guess l wouldn't trust him

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 16:27

Even if she goes with him, its the nature of the job that he will be away, just to more glamorous locations. Nice lifestyle but, I dont know if that compensates for having to be on full alert all the time. Ive met him, he seems really nice, he has an edge too him but, not in a bad way. He is very cool. Shes met all his family, which is a good sign but, hes now told her that he warned them not to mention his ex gf. I can see how he got into the situation, he probably thought she would run a mile.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 16:27

Hmm sounds to me like he's havin a bit of a laugh at these ladies expense!

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 16:35

Two of them are history, he says.

This is just typical of a man moving on as soon as he has another woman lined up. Urgh!! my bloods starting to simmer alittle bit.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 18:17

Yeah my exH did this 6 months after we split up he is with another woman in a full on relationship, after nearly twenty years of us being together, they seem to go from one home with sex, meals and washing done, to another very quickly don't they,

tallwivglasses · 13/11/2011 19:31

Ha! I thought he worked for Ikea! Sorry.

Tell her to take things verrrry slooowwwly.

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 20:02

Why Ikea?

OP posts:
likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 20:03

She doesnt know what to think, he's practically being living at hers.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 13/11/2011 20:29

"(his job is in my title)"

I thought you were being very clever

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 20:57

I thought youd guessed he is from the same place as Ikea Smile

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 13/11/2011 21:04

Smaaland?

Squishylicious · 13/11/2011 21:05

Blush I thought you meant Ikea too

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 21:11

I cant imagine him putting a flatpack up tbh Smile

OP posts:
TooManyStuffedBirds · 13/11/2011 21:29

Card carrying cynic here as well.
No, wouldn't trust him.

The idea of different households with different women in different locations popped into my head...just guessing.

Guys can openly tell all kinds of things (thinking of George Wickham in Pride and Prejudice Wink ).

Does your friend enjoy constantly checking his phones and computers? I take it she wouldn't enjoy a swinger's lifestyle.

Of course he doesn't want this setup to end...but that should have no effect on how your friend defines what she wants.

likeabirdinthesky · 13/11/2011 21:33

The checking up came after her husband did what he did. She was never like that when she was married. I dont know if she will go on holiday with him now. She is very sensible, I hope she keeps her cool head on.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 21:35

So this man is a pilot??

tallwivglasses · 13/11/2011 21:37

Well, she's got a good friend keeping a look-out Smile

TooManyStuffedBirds · 13/11/2011 21:44

I thought pilot, too, susie.

KingofHighVis · 13/11/2011 21:46

If I started seeing a woman who was constantly checking my phone and computer for suspicious messages then I would run a mile.