I know I should be over this by now

[toothmonkey]

I'm afraid its another in law moan....sorry I think its because Christmas is coming up and I'm psyching myself up for a visit.

I have been married for 16 years and have failed miserably in all this time to win my in laws round. To cut is short they HATE me. They have never accepted me and never wanted us to get married. I always hoped that eventually they would get to know me but I am finally coming to the realisation that this is never going to happen.

They pretty much completely ignore me when they see me, I have been told by SIL I am not welcome at her house, she pretends she hasn't seen me in the street, spreads malicious gossip about me (you get the picture)

These are some of the reasons given to either me or my OH when we have tried to offer an olive branch.

I have stopped OH going to Church (OH was brought up in a strict BAC family when he met me and left home he rebelled from it all - I had no influence or input in this, as I didn't quite understand it myself at the time)

I have stopped OH visiting his family (OH has visited every week since we got married, he takes the kids, he rings regularly and offers to help with things around the house, he never says no. If my children grew up to be so attentitive I would be very happy. I'm at a loss why they think I am stopping him visiting??)

I have stopped OH going to University. (Apparently when we got engaged his mum tried to persuade him to get a degree first then marry, but he told me he never wanted to do a degree as he liked his job and was earning good money)

I have too much divorce in my family?? (Never quite understood that one, but I think she thinks lack of commitment might run in my family)

I'm a SAHM - which to her seems very unfair on my OH and she wonders if I am using him for his money (sigh).

There is nothing else that has been said, no particular row or accusations. What really hurts me most is that they have really accepted everybody elses spouse. All OH inlaws are really good friends and his mum is always letting me know how wonderful/close they all are (just me then : ( )

Can someone help me to get over this once and for all before I get myself into a right tizz over Christmas (shall I shan't I stuff)

Thanks for reading hope I haven't bored you too much :o

Is there a particular reason why you should spend any time in a hostile environment over the festive season?

Plan to spend Christmas in your own home or with relatives/friends who welcome your presence, and your dh can take the dc to see your ils sometime between Boxing Day and New Year.

the words "tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when they get there fuck of some more" spring to mind.

And tell your DH to grow a pair - why is he in contact with people who behave so appallingly ?

thank you for replying

The reason I do the shall I shan't I every year because a few derogatory remarks were made to my daughter about me and OH said he can't watch both LO and older one 100% of the time so doesn't get to hear whats being said. They are also very, very religious and sometimes say weird things, I need to know what is being said to her....hope that makes sense. At the same time I want my kids to have a relationship with her other family, I have no inensions of pulling anyone away from anybody regardless of what they think.

So I'm always a bit torn whether to go or not. Last year he went without me and it was ok, so maybe I'm worry unnecessarily.

Haha lemonstartree

TBH OH is quite scared of his mum. She is very controlling and still bollocks her kids even though they are all over 40. It does bug me a little that he has never been able to stand up to her, he is a very gentle person who hates confrontation. I think thats why I like him. Looking back it must have taken a lot for him to break free from it all.

16 years?! 16 years and they still behave like this?! I think you really need to give up trying tbh. When you say he went without you last you I take it to mean just a visit over Christmas and not Christmas Day? They just sound really rude.

singingtunelessly I think it was boxing day. I think I have given up on trying, it just that every now and then it still hurts me a little that they have never accepted me. OH started me off this evening by talking about big family gathering planned....I'm not normally this drippy :o

Let them have their toxic big family gathering and, as long as it's not on Christmas Day, your dh can attend alone or with the dc as you and he see fit.

If the bfg is planned for Christmas Day stand (or, rather, sit in the comfort of your own home) firm and suggest to dh that he should maybe 'drop in' for an hour or so after your dc have gone to bed.

Don't be hurt that this poisonous collection of pondlife have never taken to you. Praise the lord and sing hallelujah that they didn't deem you worthy of trying to convert you to their deeply unChristian beliefs - or rejoice that they recognised you as a true child of Satan which, IMO, is high praise indeed

izzy thanks for understanding, you've got it spot on. They spend CDay at Church so its never been up for discussion thankfully.

When we first got married we were having a discussion about homosexuality (big mistake) to which we both have strong opinions and because I was disagreeing with her she told me she could actually see the "devil on my shoulder". Which, as a young girl, bothered me for a long time, which is why I need to hear whats being said the dc's. They see everything as either a blessing from God, or the devils mischief and I know which catagory I fit into
:( Ah sod em!

What is BAC op?

I wouldn't have any dealings with them, so you are a nobler woman than me. I understand your fears over the kids being lectured though. The thing that would rile me is, they are totally disrespecting your dh by treating you so badly, not to mention unchristian, and yet he seems to just take it.

born again christian perumedlife - thanks for replying. He's a people pleaser and tries to do the right thing. She's had some mental health issues and he's always been the one to keep the family together - I guess he will always have an innate sense of responsibility for them.

The thing that struck me toothmonkey was you saying in 16 years you have failed to win them round. I wonder if their knowledge of your efforts to appease them is the very fuel for their escalating hostility? That in some part, they dislike that you have tried to please them and fit in. Just a thought.

When I met my dh, he was divorced three years with one child. He was only married two years, an unplanned pregnancy and doing the 'right thing'. His ex left him but moved in with his mother, my mil. So, when we started getting serious, I flew to London to meet Mil, only to find exwife lounging on the sofa, rolling fags and giving me glares. I felt so uncomfortable but didn't show it. Still, when Mil came to visit, I felt my privacy was really compromised, as though she would be going 'home' to DH's ex wife and discussing me. She talked of her loads, as though they were best pals. Worse, ex took dh to court on a whim for yet more money, forcing us to move our wedding day. She lost, she had already been well provided for but the point was, Mil still gave her house room despite the grief she was causing her son and Dil. It wasn't even as though Mil took ex in for the ds's sake. He was farmed out to the ex wife's family as she wanted the single life.

Anyway, the point of the waffle is, I started married life feeling wrong footed yet determined to forge a good relationship with Mil. I made such efforts, almost bowed and scraped, kept my mouth shut and smiled, smiled, smiled. It was hopeless. When I finally snapped and told Mil she needn't come avail herself of our hospitality only to run back to ex with gossip, something changed. She started to respect me. It turned out she was just a people pleaser and, whoever she is with that minute, was the one she was loyal too. She won't change of course, too set in her ways, but she shows me respect. And crucially, DH was side by side with me, he told his mother she had let him, and us, down.

I don't think you will end this hostility, these people seldom grow a conscience, but you can change how you see them and refuse to keep up the pretense of civility if you so wish. The real question is though, should you start to speak up more, will your dh speak with you?

I wouldn't allow my DCs to go to somewhere where they hear their mother slagged off if their father can't keep an eye on both of the at the same time . But then my DH wouldn't stay in a house where I was being slagged off.

They haven't had to be civil to you because your DH has taken the children round to them once a week. They've gotten to see them and him whilst blanking you. You've gone along with this.

I don't know what to suggest, but as your DCs get older they will pick up on more of the stuff that's being said.

This is appalling. This is a mad, toxic - dare I say devilish - set-up. If it helps at all (and it probably won't) their poison has nothing to do with you at all.

I really don't know what to suggest if DH is kowtowing to their every whim but one thing I will say: keep your dc away from them. If DH wants to visit them then fine, but don't let your dc be exposed to this poison (particularly as it is directed at you, their mother). oh, and definitely don't see them yourself: don't be around them, don't go to their house, don't let them in your house.

These people are mad OP.

their attitude is not at all christian. I think you have had a lucky escape, and yes, i think you should be wary of letting your children be there with them unsupported.

why dont they like you? All seems a bit one sided

troisgarcons

I have had chats with other family to find out if there is anything else. But it seems that its because I don't go to Church is the main issue. My OH was never allowed friends outside of Church as a child. I am sure there things I have done and said because I'm not perfect, but I have asked them and the only things that have transpired are the things I have written above. If I have done something wrong I would be the first to put it right.

The other spouses (of siblings) are all involved/work for the Church in some way. I used to work in an office and then I became a SAHM - I guess my face doesn't fit and I'm not part of the in crowd.

I know it seems a bit weird, because it is.

Sorry..I needed to add..If you have been through the system of any fundamental religion you would understand how important it is that a child follows the faith (they believe in heaven and hell). They are very anxious that their son has lost his faith and are lashing out at somebody to blame.

I'm not very good at explaining myself sorry

No decent man would entertain anyone being disrespectful of their partner. He needs to grow a pair. It is one thing for him to vist them, though I'd be spitting nails if I knew they'd been slagging me off and he hadn't stood up for me, but quite another for your children to be there. If I wasn't made to feel welcome, my children would not be going. I don't care that they are also his children, they are also my children and they would not be put in a position where their mother was slagged off and their father just stood there listening to it all without putting them straight. Also, all that crap about the church and the devil on your shoulder - I wouldn't be subjecting them to that. No way.

Your OH needs to explain to them, once and for all that HE has made this choice (re his religion), that it has nothing to do with you and that he will stop visiting until they can respect this. They need to respect him, before they can respect you and until they can behave decently around the children they should not be allowed to be around the children.

Totally agree with the above posters. Your dh has a family of his own now, you and the dc are his priority, not his parents and siblings. Or at least, that's how it ought to be. Doesn't matter if they don't approve, respect is what you are due. Your dh taking the kids to hear you being dissed and left out is just fueling this.

toothmonkey, do you have a history of being picked on/abused? I say that because it's often the case that bullies come along and, because we were subjected to it before, we are vulnerable to it, find it hard to stick up for ourselves. MInd you, they got their claws in when you were young, so that may be the only reason they have had so much success with their evil bullying.

You mention mental health problems in your husband's family and, though I don't know what those are, I would say they are still pumping away in a BIG way. I wonder if your husband could do with an exit counsellor (re someone who helps unpick the lies that people are fed who have been subjected to cults) to help him detach from his unhinged, poisonous family and the hold they have had over him, psychologically and emotionally? I think abuse of this kind is called religious abuse (?), which is usually extremely damaging (usually perpetuated by people who are insane, if you think about it...). Maybe have a look at the Womens Aid website to familiarise yourself with profiles of abuse - you may find a lot there that you recognise

I am a christian (a BAC even) and I wish I could say that what you describe is unheard of in the church but it isn't, though I would say it is a distinct minority who behave in this foul, vicious way. No, I'd say not christian in any shape or form.

NB not suggesting your husband is subjecting you to domestic abuse btw! I suggested the Womens Aid website as a means of looking at profiles of abuse - the abuse techniques used are remarkably similar, regardless of the context iyswim.

Just googled 'religious abuse' - there's a lot there that relates to what you have described OP.

This was particularly interesting (found on wikipedia)

Religiously based psychological abuse of children is a growing area of interest in the psychological and sociological community. It can take the form of using teachings to subjugate children through fear, or imposing heavy indoctrination such that the child is taught only the beliefs and/or points of view of their particular sect (or even just that of their caregivers) and all other perspectives are stifled or kept from them. The beliefs are taught as absolute truth, with no way of ever questioning them. Psychologist Jill Mytton describes this as crushing the child's chance to form a personal morality and belief system, making them utterly reliant on their religious system and/or parents. They never learn to critically reflect on information they receive. Similarly, the use of fear and a judgmental environment (such as the concept of Hell) to control the child can be traumatic.

My DH has a similar situation - MIL is just awful and from the very start made it clear that I was not welcome into the family. I don't take it personally as I know it's because DH challenges MIL's thinking and to be hurtful/spiteful to him she will outcast the people he loves.DH also made career choices that MIL didn't approve of, he divorced an unfaithful wife who MIL liked, he doesn't go along with the myth that their childhood was wonderful (all the dc's and FIL were beaten by MIL) etc

Whilst your DH is dealing with the situation by you being isolated has he considered what will happen when the DCs are older and maybe reject MIL's way of living. What will he do then?
I feel for you OP - it is easy to think that you should just disown family but it is much harder to do. My DH has had counselling for his upbringing and recently I have suggested he goes again as sometimes the abuse levels spike, like at christmas. One think that really helped DH was to know that it was 'abuse' rather than just the way our family are..He of course believed all families had similar experiences growing up - counselling helped him realise that it wasn't normal.Once you see it through different eyes it's hard to justify investinng time with these people.