I know I should be over this by now

[toothmonkey]

I'm afraid its another in law moan....sorry I think its because Christmas is coming up and I'm psyching myself up for a visit.

I have been married for 16 years and have failed miserably in all this time to win my in laws round. To cut is short they HATE me. They have never accepted me and never wanted us to get married. I always hoped that eventually they would get to know me but I am finally coming to the realisation that this is never going to happen.

They pretty much completely ignore me when they see me, I have been told by SIL I am not welcome at her house, she pretends she hasn't seen me in the street, spreads malicious gossip about me (you get the picture)

These are some of the reasons given to either me or my OH when we have tried to offer an olive branch.

I have stopped OH going to Church (OH was brought up in a strict BAC family when he met me and left home he rebelled from it all - I had no influence or input in this, as I didn't quite understand it myself at the time)

I have stopped OH visiting his family (OH has visited every week since we got married, he takes the kids, he rings regularly and offers to help with things around the house, he never says no. If my children grew up to be so attentitive I would be very happy. I'm at a loss why they think I am stopping him visiting??)

I have stopped OH going to University. (Apparently when we got engaged his mum tried to persuade him to get a degree first then marry, but he told me he never wanted to do a degree as he liked his job and was earning good money)

I have too much divorce in my family?? (Never quite understood that one, but I think she thinks lack of commitment might run in my family)

I'm a SAHM - which to her seems very unfair on my OH and she wonders if I am using him for his money (sigh).

There is nothing else that has been said, no particular row or accusations. What really hurts me most is that they have really accepted everybody elses spouse. All OH inlaws are really good friends and his mum is always letting me know how wonderful/close they all are (just me then : ( )

Can someone help me to get over this once and for all before I get myself into a right tizz over Christmas (shall I shan't I stuff)

Thanks for reading hope I haven't bored you too much :o

You know, Christianity teaches people about Agape, which is about loving each other, in a non-sexual way. If this is their idea of love, I would hate to see the alternative.
Has no one pointed out the irony of this to them?

You have spent 16 years trying to please these unpleasable people; your DH has spent 40+ years and is still trying. It's much more difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that it's hopeless since this is how we was raised; this is how he was trained by them to be (I'm not surprised to hear you say he is a gentle and giving soul; he must have had a lot of resistance beat out of him, emotionally speaking).

It is therefore very much to his credit that he was able to distance himself in some ways from his family. I hope for both of you that this will be a good basis for him to realise that they are always going to find fault with him, whatever he does, so he might as well stop trying.

Letting your children spend time with some one who clearly hates her mother is barmy. I don't let my kids have any relationship witth my biological parents and they do not suffer. They would suffer more if they had my mother in their lives.

Sorry computer down yesterday. I've read your replies with tears in my eyes because I didn't think anyone would really understand (I was wrong). I have tried, over the years, to talk to RL friends and they don't really understand or they think I'm exaggerating (IL's do a lot of charity work in the community so are highly respected - we live in a small rural village).

springydaffs - your post really opened my eyes to possible 'abuse'. I think because you have been through the system you will have seen pockets of extreme behaviour. We deliberately do not take our children to church because of the kind of upbringing OH had is not what I want for mine. He wasn't allowed any life outside church. His friends were carefully hand picked from church, he wasn't allowed girlfriends as a teenager, the only holidays he ever had were at christian conventions, he had to get up at 6 every morning for bible study and prayer. His mum had a nervous break down when he was at junior school - she went to a Billy Graham event and was apparently 'healed', which is where it all started. I don't think she ever really go over her MI tbh.

Thank you for advice - had a lovely talk with OH yesterday and will talk to him some more tonight.

Your DH's experience of the church is unusual though OP - it does happen but it's not usual (particularly on the scale you describe). Most churches are full of people doing their best, failing a lot of the time, but having a go. though I know people who have been abused in the church and as a result find it hard to go to church, which is understandable. The average christian doesn't imprison and control their children's every thought and relationship - that's abuse and you get that anywhere, it's just shocking when it's in the church in such an unadulterated form. YOur MIL is clearly mad, insane - but I do wonder about the people who get taken in by these types tbh re 'pillar of the community' stuff. However, abusers learn to fly beneath the radar and put up an exemplary public face. re your friends not really getting it is usual when abuse is in the midst of a community - people are too close to it to see and also feel threatened that what they thought was good, kind of relied on as being an example of good, is in fact the very opposite - frighteningly so.