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Original poster

My sister is getting married, I am estranged from my parents!

31 replies

BumptiousandBustly · 11/11/2011 14:01

Title says it all really. My sister lives in the same town as my parents and is planning on getting married there.

We are not close, there is a 9 year age gap and she has only ever been to see my children once. But I would still absolutely expect to go to her wedding and make the effort take the kids, etc.

The problem is that I am estranged from my parents. The estrangement is working very well for me and I do not envisage any kind of reconciliation at all.

We always knew that this problem might arise but she has been with her boyfriend for 11 years and was planning on studying for another 4 years and then starting her career so we didn't think it was imminent. She has now decided that she is going to stop studying, get married and have babies.

The problem is that I feel strongly that we should go to her wedding, she came to mine, she is my sister etc. BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY PARENTS!

It will be awful. They will either ignore us totally (which in a small crowd will be very clear), or talk to us (I am not sure which is worse). I am also worried that if my step father or one of my brothers (i.e. a specific brother) has too much to drink, they might confront us about things.

We will, of course, stay in a hotel, so we have some control of the situation but still. Oh FUCK - I thought we had years before this would come up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

OP posts:

SarkySpanner · 11/11/2011 14:07

What does your sister want?

AurraSing · 11/11/2011 14:10

I feel for your sister. She obviously wants to have you all there on her special day, but she must be terrified that you are all going to spoil it.

Could she, or another family member speak to both side and agree on how you all are going to play it - act all happy families, ignore each other, whatever makes it a stress free day for her?

4merlyknownasSHD · 11/11/2011 14:11

Who is paying for the wedding?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 11/11/2011 14:23

What an awkward situation!

What is your parent's current stance on the estrangement? I assume from your OP that your brother sides with them in your disagreement/issues?

What has your sister said about it to you?

I suppose all you can do is promise her your very best behaviour on the day, like you say stay in a hotel, and try to have as little contact with them as possible (tricky I know).

I am estranged from my dad but fortunately all of his children are so not so much of a problem!

Original poster

BumptiousandBustly · 11/11/2011 15:37

Its a bit like "no one mention the war!"

As I said, we are not particularly close and I usually hear from her once a year. When she phoned last night we had a nice chat, about the wedding and stuff, but the situation with my parents was not mentioned at all!

I am only really in regular contact with one of my brothers, and we don't discuss it at all either.

The brother I am worried will cause trouble, just likes causing trouble, and its the kind of thing that would amuse him to bring up, at the wedding.

As for the poster who asked who is paying for the wedding. I think both sets of parents have contributed and they are paying for the rest themselves.

As for my parents current stance on the estrangement. I am pretty sure that my mother still thinks I am going to come crawling back at some point saying that everything was all my fault, and that I was horrible to her and beg for forgiveness. (never going to happen). So I think her position is still outraged innocence!

OP posts:

AurraSing · 11/11/2011 15:53

Ah, I love having to deal with outrage innocence.

It seems to me that your biggest potential problem is your brother when he is drunk. Could you have an escape plan ready? For example, when he looks like he's had a bit too much to drink, you and your family could leave. I'm sure your sister would be happy with that and it would give you a feeling of control over the situation?

googietheegg · 11/11/2011 15:54

Are you able to arrive just before the service and leave straight after? That is the important part after all. YOu and your DH and DCs can then have a nice meal together and stay at the hotel, or just go home.

Original poster

BumptiousandBustly · 11/11/2011 16:03

Auurasing, I think that my brother would be the bigger problem for the evening, (which we won't be able to stay for as our children are too young ) but during the day is dealing iwth my parents (or not) and all the painful memories that it brings back for me. I also don't want to spend the next four months worrying about it and dreading it.

I am getting so much better at not thinking about them and not judging my self worth on the past and my childhood, but since even thinking about seeing them brings so much back, I think seeing them will be really hard.

Gooeithegg

I feel like that would be unfair to my sister (who isn't involved in any of this) though it may still be the best option. DSs are 1 and 3 so they are a good excuse to leave fairly early in the evening, but a lot depends on when the actual wedding is, what plans there are for food etc.

we also live too far to travel there and back in the day (up to six hours drive with a stop for the kids)

OP posts:

googietheegg · 11/11/2011 16:15

Can you arrange something separate with your sister instead? Maybe a day/weekend at a spa? You could meet somewhere in the middle of you both and have time together, then not go to the wedding. Make a pre-wedding pampering treat.

Original poster

BumptiousandBustly · 11/11/2011 16:44

googietheegg - you know what, that is a really good idea. I will have a think about that, but it could really resolve lots of problems - and we could do it really nicely - (since it would save us a fortune on the wedding)

OP posts:

googietheegg · 11/11/2011 17:18

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2011 22:22

Do you think there is a chance that your sister is dreading the wedding more than you are?
Has she actually invited you?

troisgarcons · 11/11/2011 22:59

are you actually invited?

Original poster

BumptiousandBustly · 12/11/2011 08:34

I am definitely invited. There has to be a chance she is dreading it, but she didn't mention anything about it, it was very surreal!

OP posts:

Dalrymps · 12/11/2011 08:43

We had this. I am estranged from my parents (as are both my brothers). One of them got married 5 years ago and although he was kinda estranged from my parents then they informed him if he don't invite them they'd turn up anyway do he invited them to try and 'keep the peace' and have some control over the situation.

Anyway, I totally dreaded it and hardly slept the night before (I was bridesmaid). We got through the day by avoiding my parents as much as physically possible. My mother tried to cause an argument at the end of the night and caused a bit of a situation but we all walked away and went to bed. We left ASAP the next day, availed them as much as loss during breakfast.

I was glad to have got through it. I just kept concentrating on what the bride and groom wanted and on not spoiling it for them. It can be done but just make sure your dp is willing to stand by you no matter what (which I'm sure he is)

Dalrymps · 12/11/2011 08:44

Apologies for all the typos, phone keeps correcting me. Let me know if you need anything translating.

fastweb · 12/11/2011 08:53

I've been mulling over similar.

I'm estranged from my father, mother and brother.

In my case the situation would more likely be funeral than wedding.

And the only thing I can come up with is enter the ceremony at the very last minute having lurked out of sight beforehand. Shooting out right at the end before anybody has managed to make a bee line for me.

And skip any reception afterwards.

Because kids and partners can make the logistics of the above hard, I'll be going alone.

Do you think your sister could live with that sort of compromise, and could you?

lollilou · 12/11/2011 10:48

Could you just go for the ceremony and skip the reception? That way you get to see your sister married but don't have the awkward social situation.

ImperialBlether · 12/11/2011 10:57

I think you should do the spa day. I wouldn't give your brother the pleasure of a fight. I wouldn't give your parents the chance to even see you if you are estranged from them for good reasons.

Your sister will be uncomfortable about having all of you together. She knows the chance of a fight is high - who wants that at a wedding?

Say you are terribly sorry but you'll be on holiday that weekend (she won't know otherwise) but that you'd love it if the weekend before (or so) you and she met at a spa - your treat - and spent the day (don't make it a weekend) together.

You'll look forward to that and so will she and both will be relieved that there won't be a confrontation at the wedding.

whoopeecushion · 12/11/2011 11:01

Perhaps you could leave your children at home and just you and your DH/DP go.

That way, your parents won't be able to interfere with your children and also you will be the only "target" but will have your DH/DP as a "bodyguard".

Original poster

BumptiousandBustly · 12/11/2011 13:12

Fastweb: We have also been conscious that something could come up, and also thought it was more likely to be a funeral, which we would have just attended and then left straight after the ceremony, but a wedding is trickier and I feel that is bit unfair to my sister, who is not really involved in this.

Dalrumps, Thankyou for sharing your experience. I agree about not upsetting the bride and groom, and DH is indeed prepared to standby me and run interfearence, I just firstly don't want to see my parents at all, and secondly worry about it being so pointed in that situation, us sitting at the side and not talking to anybody.

whoopeecushion: I think so far my favorite idea is for Just DH and I to go, as we could just go up that morning, attend ceremony and a bit of post ceremony stuff and then come home the same day (and get pissed) however we live 4 hours away by train - and have no one nearby who we could leave the kids with - so its not that simple.

The other idea is that I could go on my own, but honestly, I am scared of going on my own, and don't want to have to deal with them all without some support.

imperialblether - I love the spa day idea but feel like its dragging my sister in to all of this when maybe what she wants is just her family around for her wedding. I also don't really want to talk to her about it, as I know that anything i say will be reported straight back to my mother. So feel like I can't ask her outright but kind of have to guess how she might feel, without any clues from her.

On the bright side, I have to have a really drastic hysterectomy (womb and ovaries) and have just been put on the waiting list - so fingers crossed they are at about the same time, as then I have a totally legit reason for not going!

OP posts:

jasminerice · 12/11/2011 13:16

I had the same situation a few years ago. I didn't go to the wedding, there's no way I ever wanted to set eyes on my parents ever again. It was fine, no big deal....although I'm now also estranged from my sisters as well.....but like you said OP, the estrangement is working very well for me as I have no intention of ever resuming relations with either my parents or sisters.

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2011 13:26

If your not speaking to your parents and brother and your sister knows about it she is already dragged in and you can't avoid talking to her about it.
She must be concerned about how the day is going to go so she needs to talk to both you and them and get an agreement that you avoid each other.
Or just don't go. Send a lovely gift and card and wish them well.

Dalrymps · 12/11/2011 13:28

I understand you not wanting to see your parents at all. I was literally petrified and had panic attacks before hand etc.

I only really forced myself to go because it was just as uncomfortable for both my bros and we all wanted to support each other. I also didn't want to miss my brothers wedding or not be bridesmaid just because of my parents.

I think if I were you I'd just do the ceremony then leave. At least no one will really be chatting during the ceremony iyswim.

ImperialBlether · 12/11/2011 17:00

If you live a long way from them and don't regularly speak, then how will they know if you say you are due to go into hospital then? If your sister will go running to your mum and tell her everything, is she someone whose sensibilities you should be concerned with?

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