My sister is getting married, I am estranged from my parents!

[BumptiousandBustly]

Title says it all really. My sister lives in the same town as my parents and is planning on getting married there.

We are not close, there is a 9 year age gap and she has only ever been to see my children once. But I would still absolutely expect to go to her wedding and make the effort take the kids, etc.

The problem is that I am estranged from my parents. The estrangement is working very well for me and I do not envisage any kind of reconciliation at all.

We always knew that this problem might arise but she has been with her boyfriend for 11 years and was planning on studying for another 4 years and then starting her career so we didn't think it was imminent. She has now decided that she is going to stop studying, get married and have babies.

The problem is that I feel strongly that we should go to her wedding, she came to mine, she is my sister etc. BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY PARENTS!

It will be awful. They will either ignore us totally (which in a small crowd will be very clear), or talk to us (I am not sure which is worse). I am also worried that if my step father or one of my brothers (i.e. a specific brother) has too much to drink, they might confront us about things.

We will, of course, stay in a hotel, so we have some control of the situation but still. Oh FUCK - I thought we had years before this would come up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Jasminerice - the thing is that while I am certainly not close to my sister I am not estranged from her, and really have no problem with her (apart from knowing that she will repeat anything I say to my mother).

Nannyogg - I just really don't want to go into it with her, or have to justify it to her. I think I will have to decide what I am going to do and then live with the consequences - which maybe her not wanting a relationship with me if I don't come to her wedding.

Dalyrymps - just going to the ceremony is possible - i don't know - its all so pointed - and its such a statement about the future and my relationship with my family, and I just really don't want to deal with it all. I only cut contact with my mother this summer and I was really hoping that we would have a few years for it to become "the norm" before any big events came up.

imperialblether - I run a small online business with one of my other brothers so he has to know when I am in hospital as it affects the business. I agree with the point about not being close and her running to my mother with things, but she has always been the little sister (she is nearly a decade younger than me) and I think most of the history with me and my parents had passed her by - at least until this happened.

Lifechanger - I just don't want to reveal myself to her - i.e. how I feel about the stuff with my parents, or indeed much about my life as I think know it will all get reported back and that makes me feel very vulnerable. I don't want my parents to know about my life, and I certainly don't want family Chinese whispers starting about what I am saying about everything.

With regard to the spa day - I still think its a real possibility but not sure she could get time off work just before she gets married - plus then I have to basically say - not coming to your wedding

I think the current options are:

1. attend with DH and the Dss and stay in a hotel - attend ceremony and leave very early in the evening
2. Attend just with DH
3. Attend on my own
4. suggest spa day
5. Beg hospital to schedule surgery the week she is getting married!

You know what Bumtious, the most important thing is that you do what feels most comfortable and manageable to you. If that's not going or going to part of it or arranging something else then so be it.

As you say, the estrangement is quite new and you want time to be just you and settle in to normality. I know you probably worry about what others think and what it says about you but don't. What is important is to preserve your own sanity and protect yourself emotionally.

I'm sure if you are In touch with your sis and you try and arrange some way of celebrating then she will see you do care and are trying your best in a difficult situation. I hope you find a solution you feel comfortable with. These situations are just awful to deal with.

Tbh I wouldn't go.

If you don't speak to your mother then does it matter if she talks about you with your mother behind your back? You won't get hassled by your mother afterwards and won't know.
If you've only seen her once in several years I feel it doesn't really matter if you go to her wedding or not. You aren't "family" in any meaningful sense, you just share some genes.
You are in danger of making this all about you rather than all about her.

thankyou very much for all the very thoughtful comments. I think that a lot will depend on how she actually plans to celebrate and when. i.e. if wedding is in morning, then we could go up adn come back the same day, maybe even with the kids - if planning on marrying at 4pm then definitely not.

2rebecca - I really don't want her wedding to be all about me, but I feel like I will be the elephant in the room whether I attend or not. Will wait now to hear details and then go from there (while hoping that my op makes it all really simple)

Will update when I hear more.