Marriage guidance please.....

[VeryPO]

I've changed my name for this. I think it maybe a rant so apologies but any help would be appreciated and I am aware that I may be being unreasonable in my expectations.

Been married 5 years to DH who I've known for about 6 years. Got two DC 4 and 2.5. I feel so unhappy but don't know whether I need to pull myself together and just settle for the DC sake or to take action.
I feel as though my life isn't my own in terms of DH, he seems controlling in a very subtle way and I can't really explain and not sure whether I am being paranoid.
We both work - me 4 days and DC go to nursery. I really struggle to keep on top of things in terms of housework and jobs etc. DH makes the tea every night for me and him whilst I put the kids to bed and does his share of pick up and drop off but he often makes grumbling noises about things that haven't been done - it really p's me off. To be honest I think it would be easier to make tea than trying to get the kids off to bed.
Eg he'll complain that I leave all the lights on in the house (maybe three lights when I'm moving from room to room to try to organise the kids), he'll moan that there's no clean clothes for the kids. He'll moan if I put the kids in nursery on my day off to catch up with jobs. He doesn't always complain openly, I just feel like he's complaining inwardly IYKWIM? When I ask him about it he says that he's not moaning. I then question whether I'm over reacting or imagining it.

Sorry but I'm ranting aren't I. Can anyone help me clear my thoughts and take some action. I feel really stuck and don't want to feel so miserable.

Thanks for reading

Maybe try shaking things up a bit - swap jobs, you do tea. Why is the kids having run out clothes down to you? He could stick on a load of washing.

I presume he is fulltime, but you do work a large proportion of the week, so the household stuff shouldn't be your domain alone. He should be picking up some of the slack instead of muttering about it.

You shouldn't think of your 'one day off' as a 'day off' - you're just doing a different job instead - looking after the children - it doesn't mean that you should be able to do a whole week's worth of chores on that day - and putting them in nursery so that you can do some of them is only reasonable if you're not getting any other assistance.

We find that no job can be done efficiently and effectively if ds is around - to the extent that one of us will do something with him whilst the other does something around the house.

Aww honey, you sound mentally and emotionally exhausted. Little wonder with the stresses of work, plus your share of housework plus caring for two little ones. If we gals stand back and take a proper look at the amount of multi tasking we do, I'm sure our heads would spin ! Trouble is we're usually so busy getting on with it all, that we don't have the time to stop and think. Have you suggested your husband put the kids to bed on alternate evenings whilst you sort out the tea ? Maybe your varying your duties this way, might ease the stress. Also, I found making 'to do' lists and putting them up somewhere highly visible, helped organise me and hammer it into hubby's head, just how much I was getting on with. You could even draw up a list with two columns - one for you and one for him, ticking the tasks you each perform daily, as a psychological prompt for both of you. Hopefully he'll better understand just how much you do and (perhaps) how much less his contribution is, to it all. :)

Its clear that neither of you are happy about certain things. Would it be an idea to go to marriage guidence where you can really air things infront of a marriage councillor who is impartial and will listen.. Its an unheated way to share opinions. thoughts and get advice from someone professional.
Best not to leave things so they fester and get worse.
You are miserable and husband should know. LEt him know to keep the peace it is not an attact on him , but a way to improve your relationship and make things so much better for your sake and your childrens.
In the meantime you can try to chat with DH and ask him to try not to moan about things, but to talk with you after the children have gone to bed. Listen to each other, take it in turns calmly, so it doesnt turn into a shouting match.

OK here goes, I'm a man and have seen a good bit of life so here is my point bearing in mind I have older children who have left home and now have a 9 and 2yr old. When you are starting off it is very hard, there are more and more pressures on people now with both working plus child care costs, it just seems a never ending hamster wheel of work getting paid, paying out all the money to survive and round again, BUT hopefully it will improve over the years.

The key thing is communication, you need to talk to each other, maybe take it in turns to do different jobs, he deals with the kids one night and you cook. I have now retired and I am at home while my wife works, she is 10yrs younger so it will be a good while before she retires. I do everything around the home, well should be doing, but the housework drives me nuts, I am trying to get my head around that, cooking, looking after the children, playing and educating them is great fun, I love putting them to bed, we have a routine and stick to it, they seem to like that. Unfortunately it seems housework including the washing ironing and cleaning is something that will never go away, it is repetitive, I have taken it for granted over the years, pants and socks in my drawers, shirts washed and ironed, I just thought it was normal for it to appear, well I have had a great big shock, so don't think you are the only one!

You are working as well, so that makes me even more guilty, all I can say is both talk, swap roles as each will then appreciate the other, with regards to lights get energy saving ones, electricity bills are not cheap, he is probably just trying to save money, respect him for that as everyone will benefit. Perhaps if he is the saving type work out what you can cut down on to pay for the child care on the days you are off, that way you can get the jobs done.

Good luck, remember there are always people a lot worse off, I have realised that being one here, I should be grateful, not a moaning cow!

Thanks very much for your responses. They are really useful. I have tried to talk to him about it loads and it never gets resolved. I really resent him and I'm sick of him making my life harder than it already is (I know others have it tougher). A list is a great idea, I will definetely do that but I never no when to fit these things in. He's so opinionated too and aways moaning about others and how crap everyone else is (apart from a few who get off the hook). It's ironic that his Mum who is retired spends most of her week cleaning her house, ironing and shopping but expects me to do it all whilst working most days. I really can't think straight at the moment and can't stand him in the same house as me.
I'm always worried about what he is going to moan about next and I know that is no way to live your life.

Our DS is really playing up at the moment and doesn't seem happy at all and I'm worried he's picking up vibes from us. This is all so hard.....

He sounds a right miserable bastard very negative and draining. If you can't stand to share space with him, you really need to do more than talk.

You could do more talking, but in a counsellor's office.
You could consider a trial separation, to see if the shock would make him reassess his behaviour.
You could consider dissolving the relationship, if you think your feelings for him have been killed off.

Your mother in law sounds just like mine ; she's retired and spends all day cleaning, cooking and ironing . Hubby thinks the sun shines out of her proverbial and that she's what I should inspire to be.
Both she and hubby could be contenders for the world record in grumbling. Well, they say the apple never falls too far from the tree.
You're so right that kids pick up on the vibes from family though from experience, I'd say your DS may just be going through one of those 'phases' and it gets magnified into something more significant 'cos you're stressing out so much.

Thanks again for the responses. I have thought about marriage guidance but I just don't know how we could go - who would look after the DCs? I will put a list of chores together and also a rota and stick it up on the wall.
A trial seperation is a good idea too but I don't know where he would go. All these things are swimming round in my head and I don't know the answers but I've got to do something.

So what you're saying is that you work roughly 8 hours less than him and his sole contribution to the amount of childcare and housework is cooking a meal for two people each night and transporting the children around, some of the time?

That's staggeringly unfair and unreasonable. You must be exhausted and totally pissed off. I'd ask where he got this idea from that this is what women should do, but it's obvious from your later posts. He learnt this from his parents. Not just his Mum, his Dad is equally to blame.

Do write down everything that has to be done. Don't forget 'memory tasks' either, such as remembering birthdays and buying gifts. Then divide it up.

Not that I think this problem is going to be solved by him doing his fair share though. It sounds much worse than that and the more posts I see like this on this site, the more I come back to the core problem being that people who behave like this are just too selfish and actually, don't love their partners enough.

But Charbon - she doesn't work 8 hrs less than him does she? She does 8 hrs less paid work, but she's expected to look after the children then and do all the chores - or get grumbled at and put them in nursery and do the chores more efficiently. That's work in its own right, even if he doesn't think so.

I would be writing a list of what needs to be done in an average week. I would then ask him what he thinks should be done on a Friday when you've got the kids. I would then suggest that the following Saturday he has a go at doing just that - looking after the kids and doing all that he has lined up for you on the Friday.

Dh was a bit surprised at how little I got done when I was on maternity leave. He then had a day with sole care - and another time had a Friday to cover with all the associated activities I normaly crammed in - needless to say he didn't manage what he thought he would, was completely exhausted by the end of the day and didn't raise an eyebrow again.

Quite right. She does 8 paid hours less than him, by the sounds of it.

And about 40 hours more work a week overall, by my reckoning.....

There is more to life than just physical work, what about the stress of planning financially and all the other management that is required with a family, buying things, controlling expenditure v income, planning days out/holidays/breaks, schooling issues, kids clothes, maintaining a car if there is one e.t.c e.t.c.

that is not a rant OP

you just need to talk. he doesn't sound controlling to me.

Maybe he'd be happier putting the kids to bed and you do supper?

Just an example. Sounds like something you have to talk about.

Man I agree there are lots of other stuff - I sort out all the schooling issues, buy the children clothes and often DH's. I have bought all their xmas pressies and DH's family's. I always buy cards and pressies for birthdays for everyone including DH's aunts, cousins. dog etc. I sort out all the financial issues. I sort out all the maintenance on the house ie ring plumber, get windows replaced, heating checked, car to be serviced. Dh does paint when needed but I take the DC's away for the weekend to stay at my parents so I still do my fair share and I have said that I am more than happy to paint if he took the DCs away as it would be quite relaxing in some ways - don't have to be up at 6am in the morning for a start. 90% of the time I put petrol in the car because he doesn't get round to it. I arrange holidays, flights etc. Dh does do the food shopping though but often goes on his own and I look after the DCs and I write the list

The other thing that winds me up is that when DH does something like mop the kitchen floor or the ironing, he announces it to me like it's a major achievement.

At first I thought 'bloody hell' VPO but then realised I do all that too (not the child stuff tho cos mine's still on the inside) Including the foodshopping. And all the housework and 90% of the cooking. My DH doesn't complain about anything he wouldn't dare but if anything this has made me think about having a word now before junior makes his/her appearance in a couple of months and I have a total melt down.

Sorry OP that's no help to you but was a eye opener for me.

Glad it's helped LilPud (I would do a smile there but can't remember how to) and it's interesting to know that other people do it too. Not just stupid me. The thing is I probably wouldn't be as peed off about it if he didn't moan so much. If your DH is really supportive it makes a difference. However, you will need some more help when the little 'un starts demanding your attention.

VPO, not sure of your financial situ but if you can afford it, have you thought about getting a cleaner to help with the housework? Totally agree with others that you are doing over and above what your DH is doing and if he isn't prepared to help out more, maybe paying someone else to take some of the strain off you would be a way to relieve some of your stress?

Fordybee I have suggested it but DH says we can't afford it and I agree we could do with the money really. These posts are really helping me and I think I will draw up a rota with tasks for both of us and see how that goes. If not going well we'll have to think about a cleaner.

But even if your partner was supportive and thanked you all the time for being a workhorse and doing everything, you'd still be a workhorse and it would still be unfair, wouldn't it? The criticism and moaning adds another layer to it, sure, but it doesn't get away from the fact that he is lazy and thinks you should be doing the majority of the work because you are a woman, does it?

And paying someone who is statistically more likely to be a woman to clean up after you all wouldn't solve the sexism, would it?

Charbon you are totally right. Was turning into my mum for a minute....

However, I do have to say that some people (yes usually women) need to clean for a job for various reasons and so wouldn't like to add them to the unemployment figures

I think it's one thing to have a cleaner because you can afford it and you would prefer to outsource the work, another because your partner is too damned selfish/lazy to help out and thinks it's 'women's work' & nothing to do with him.