DP doesn't want more children, I do, how to proceed from here??

[MrsWajs]

The title is the main question really but to give you a bit of back ground..

Have been with DP 3 years, very happy together. He has 1 DS from previous relationship who is 4. Arrangement with him and DPs ex is very amicable and mostly problem free. We had a DD together in April, had been TTC for a year which put a slight strain on the relationship and whilst pregnant I was quite difficult to live with I think (hormone central). After DD was born I was quite emotional and had difficulties with BFing etc and was on the verge of PND. However, everything seemed to right itself after about 3 months and now things are more or less back to normal.

When DP & I first got together we both had the same ideas about family, we both wanted 3 or 4 DC and both wanted to get married etc. Since having DD, DP now seems to have done a complete u-turn and doesn't want anymore children EVER! :( I know things were a bit difficult when I was pregnant etc but really?? Is that not just par for the course when you have kids? I'm totally gutted that this is his new stand point on the situation. He claims he has one of each and that's fine for him....um what about me, who only has one? Don't get me wrong I love DSS but not in the same way I love my DD.

I've questioned him a few times about it and sometimes he'll say "I'm not saying never ever but definitely not just now" but when questioned further this one is basically just to fob me off so he can say No at a later date.
I genuinely don't know what to think or do just now, I don't want to leave him but I also can't bare the thought of not having another child and even I don't really want to have another DC to a different man either. It's not what we agreed on when we first got together and I know people can change but if I'd known this would happen then I don't know if I would have had DD in the first place with someone who didn't want the same things as me!

Looking for any advice or suggestions. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

What do you mean by "I don't know how to proceed from here"? Are you thinking to leaving him?
You have a child together, you are happy together.
So you are thinking of breaking up your family just because you want more children? That is crazy.

I'm in a similar position with my DF. We are very happy together but DF has a son from a previous relationship and we have two DC's together. I'd like another. He wouldn't.

Talk to him about it. Write a pros and cons list. If he's set his mind on having no more you can't change that and nedd to respect that and live with your DC happily together or find someone else.

You had your daughter this April? And it's been pretty stressful for you and for him? I would not talk about it for at least 5 months. Enjoy your daughter, enjoy your DSS, be happy with your family and not thinking of what you want next.

Then once you and him have had time to recuperate and get yourselved back on track then talk about it again.

Wait a while. You are still very much in the post-pregnancy stage. If you really, really want another baby with your DP try to make family life as nice as possible for him - chances of persuading him to have another will be a lot higher if he is enjoying fatherhood!

But timetoask, she won't be happy with him if she has this simmering resentment that she never got to have another child.

It's hard, he's entitled to change his mind :( at least he's been upfront and honest about it. I think you need to have a really big discussion, ask him what it is about having another child he doesn't want to see if it is related to your experience last time, then you could look into extra support next time.

It has only been a few months since your DD was born. Is it worth seeing if he will change his mind again, given time? Or do you really not think this is likely?

I'd give it a bit longer, 'til your baby is one or so and then have the conversation again. If he's still adamant, then you'll have to decide whether it's a deal-breaker or not.

I can understand him having second thoughts about more after you've had such a hard time, and the first year with a new baby is really tough, it's a grind and a shock to the system. I don't agree with Bonsoir that you should pull out all the stops to make his life easier, because it's not sustainable and it puts the onus on you, life's hard enough with small dc without having to provide a false cushioned exisence to a full grown adult man.

How old are you OP? Are there any time/health constraints on whether/when you can have another child?

Wow lots of responses so quickly! Thanks guys.

I know it's quite soon after having DD to be thinking about another child but I just didn't count on feeling this strongly about it!! In an ideal world I'd like to start trying again maybe in a years time as I don't want a huge age gap but obviously that will remain to be seen. It took a year to conceive first time around and if it were to take that long again we'd be looking at an even bigger gap. I do understand his reluctance due to it all being quite difficult with DD and respect that but I guess I just hoped his desire for another would over ride all the bad stuff that went with it

I'm a very much "like to know what the plan is" kind of person so find it difficult to be in limbo like this, I just assumed we would both still want the same thing but I now I feel like I'm left hanging. It's a similar situation with the wedding thing, we aren't engaged and he doesn't seem likely to be asking me anytime soon either!! I just feel right now that everything is on his terms and I just have to tow the line IYSWIM. I'm finding it difficult to look to the future when I don't know what that holds.

Timetoask What BertieBotts says is right. I know it sounds crazy when you put it the way you have "have child, are happy, why break that up" but I wouldn't be happy if I never had another. I would resent him for the rest of my life and ultimately that would break us up.

Teacoupons Its difficult isn't it. I would really like to have 2 more but have already mentally prepared myself for the fact that it will never happen so would be happy just to have one more. I've explained to DP that I am trying to compromise too but I don't think he see's that.

Pancakeflipper & Buzzswellington You're both right it is still early days and I probably should just give him time but I'm so bloody impatient! My mum is of the same opinion as you two, wait a while and then ask again.

Bonsoir Thanks for your comments too although I do agree with Buzzs I want DP to want another child with me. I have a friend who was in the same situation and eventually her DP gave in and they had another child but it was on the understnading that he would keep them financially but have nothing to do with the DC practically and that is exactly what he's done!! It's a very sad situation, they are still together but lead seperate lives.

A few of my friends have (unhelpfully) suggested just not taking my pill and having an 'accident' but there is no way I could do that. It's how DSS came to be and DP already has trust issues for that reason. I guess I'll just have to ride it out and see what happens. We are going to have a chat about it tonight so will see what's said.

Thanks all for taking the time to post and sorry this has turned into a flippin novel!!

Oh the marriage has gone out of the window as well, has it? What does he say about getting married now?

JohFlow Sorry x-posts. I am almost 29 and DP is 27 so time isn't really an issue in the grand scheme of things, however, we have both said previously that we didn't want to be having children much past 30. If DP does agree to another I'll probably be 30+ anyway but I know for sure that he doesn't want more once he's 30. Healthwise we are both fine.

For your sake as well as his, I wouldn't put a huge amount of pressure on yourselves to have another one within a specific timeframe. You struggled with the first one and two who are close in age can be very hard work - he might be worried about that as much as anything. And if you had trouble conceiving last time, the last thing you need to be worrying about is a widening age gap.

I think it's very, very soon to be discussing it to be honest. But if you are going to discuss it, I think you need to have an open and honest discussion which doesn't end in him saying 'not yet' and you being convinced that he is fobbing you off. Have you told him how you feel?

X-posted.

I'm sorry, I think you're both being a bit silly putting all these artificial deadlines in place - you're putting your relationship and you as individuals under huge amounts of pressure which are entirely unnecessary. His balls aren't going to shrivel up and drop off once he turns 30 you know

Buzzs Apparently we'll get married "one day". He's quite old school in the sense that he likes to have money in his hand before he can buy something. So this applies to engagement rings, weddings, houses!! Although I agree with his sentiment and don't agree with getting in a load of debt for no good reason I have tried to explain that some things simply can't be paid for with cash upfront!! He's never had a credit card or mortgage or debt of any kind and I think it freaks him out. And other than that I just don't think he thinks he's ready for marriage yet?! Only a handful of his friends are married or engaged whereas almost ALL of my friends are married with kids. My younger brother is also now getting married next year and I think he feels a bit pressurised by it all.

Christinede I'm fully aware that his balls won't drop off at 30! I just don't want to be having kids well into my 30s. I have a career that I might like to get back to and focus on at some point and it would be nice to get some semblance of a social life back at a semi respectable age!

You have spent two of the three years together either TTC, hormonally pregnant or on the verge of PND, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to start the process again pretty much straight away - probably as much for your sake as his. I sort of agree with Bonsoir, but more in a relearn how to be happy together, kind of way. I think you should leave it for now, enjoy your DP, enjoy your DD and then the idea of another child or period TTC won't be so contentious and come with such stressful connotations. You have spent so much of your time together at the mercy of your hormones and emotions, it will probably be nice for everyone for things to settle down a bit for a while.

I think it is a wee bit like the feeling when you have done something hard, like run a marathon - if there was a sign up sheet at the end to do another most people would be horrified, it being the last thing they want to do having just got through it. Once you can see things more clearly and are happy and reflective, things are different. Forcing a decision now would be damaging and he would probably feel pressured into being more forceful as well.

You've only been together for 3 years which isn't really that much in the grand scheme of things. You are both still young. You are not yet married. You are putting him under pressure.

I am not suggesting you turn into some sort of Stepford Wife as suggested by Bonsoir but I would suggest you relax, enjoy your family as it currently is and I am sure things will very different in a few years time.

he is 27 with two kids already? One of them being a hard situation? Then the next being difficult in pregnancy. Wow. Poor guy. No wonder he took a U-turn.

You started a family with this man. You love him and have a good relationship with him apart from for this? Children shouldn't be about numbers and having them for having childrens sake but should be about the man you had them with and the family you create. You would seriously grow resentful that your DP (who sounds like he has had things tough) can't see himself having another? You would considering throwing away the relationship that you created your DD for/with for the sake of the number of children you have? How very sad :( Yo don't even know that you will meet another man and have more kids. You could throw a good relationship away for nothing at all! You have a daughter, and a step son. Please just enjoy them and stop thinking about a child that doesn't exist.

Sorry that is so harsh and blunt and I undertsnad that you want another child but seriously...

Runners I agree with what you're saying, it has been a roller coaster few years and maybe should just focus on us now for the time being as opposed to us next year or the year after that.

Violet That's interesting about 6 month broodiness. I think mine is majorly fuelled by the fact that 5 of my friends and my SIL are all also pregnant!!
I undertand what you mean about the 30 cut off but it was just always what we had agreed on. I suppose I can see myself being a bit flexible about it but DP not so much.

*MeltedChocolate" - " he is 27 with two kids already?" Why is that surprising? It's quite common as far as I'm aware for people to start having children before 30?!

Yes I started a family with my DP and I love him and our relationship is good. This doesn't mean I don't have the right to be a little upset with him when he completely changes his mind on major things like having children!!

And just for the record, I don't want another child just for having childrens sake. I came from a family of 3 and is always how I imagined my own family would be. I would also like a sibling for my DD to grow up with who won't just be there part time.

No one's saying that you don't have the right to be upset that you feel he's moved the goal posts but actually he's saying 'not just now'. If you both didn't have this artificial time limit of his being 30 as a cut off, I'm sure you probably wouldn't be feeling quite so anxious about it and would be able to enjoy the moment rather than worrying that you're going to run out of time.

I knows it's different strokes for different folks but I am reading this thinking " woahhhh rush rush rush.."

3 yrs together

1 year spent trying to concieve involving stresses and tensions.
Pregnant - "I was quite difficult to live with I think (hormone central)."
Baby in April - "I was quite emotional and had difficulties with BFing etc and was on the verge of PND"

And the last 3 months have been pretty much ok?

SLOW DOWN......

Nowt wrong with rethinking your 'life plan' if you have one and have kid in another couple of years. Doesn't make any of you failures if things don't pan out as you wanted in your dreamy dreams.

I am kind of in the same boat. OH and I have been together for 7 years and we have a gorgeous DD (4). We wanted to have 2 or 3 kids as we never wanted little one to be an only child (we both came form big families).
OH has changed his mind saying that he doesn't want to have anymore kids past the age of 30 (he is 29).
Whilst I don't quite understand his reasoning, it is something I will just have to accept. I might not be 100% happy with his decision but I love OH and DD far too much to tear us apart for the sake of having another child. He has changed his mind once he may change his mind again which I would love but if he doesn't then so be it.
We are a partnership and we both have to be in agreement with big decisions.

The shock was his whole situation at his age, not his age. I had my own DS very young.

I know you want children because it is your ideal but no one NEEDS extra children. It is always a want. I agree it all sounds so rushed and you say you can't understand his U-turn. Really? With all he has gone through? Upset yes but it seems like you are considering whether or not to leave him over this. Try to be sympathetic to his situation. Don't rush him, that will only make the whole thing less desirable for him. He is now unsure about having more but you want three, if he agrees now what about after the next one? Will you be really upset if he doesn't want anothr then. Your feelings could still be as strong next time.