DP doesn't want more children, I do, how to proceed from here??

[MrsWajs]

The title is the main question really but to give you a bit of back ground..

Have been with DP 3 years, very happy together. He has 1 DS from previous relationship who is 4. Arrangement with him and DPs ex is very amicable and mostly problem free. We had a DD together in April, had been TTC for a year which put a slight strain on the relationship and whilst pregnant I was quite difficult to live with I think (hormone central). After DD was born I was quite emotional and had difficulties with BFing etc and was on the verge of PND. However, everything seemed to right itself after about 3 months and now things are more or less back to normal.

When DP & I first got together we both had the same ideas about family, we both wanted 3 or 4 DC and both wanted to get married etc. Since having DD, DP now seems to have done a complete u-turn and doesn't want anymore children EVER! :( I know things were a bit difficult when I was pregnant etc but really?? Is that not just par for the course when you have kids? I'm totally gutted that this is his new stand point on the situation. He claims he has one of each and that's fine for him....um what about me, who only has one? Don't get me wrong I love DSS but not in the same way I love my DD.

I've questioned him a few times about it and sometimes he'll say "I'm not saying never ever but definitely not just now" but when questioned further this one is basically just to fob me off so he can say No at a later date.
I genuinely don't know what to think or do just now, I don't want to leave him but I also can't bare the thought of not having another child and even I don't really want to have another DC to a different man either. It's not what we agreed on when we first got together and I know people can change but if I'd known this would happen then I don't know if I would have had DD in the first place with someone who didn't want the same things as me!

Looking for any advice or suggestions. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Pixie - great post.

there have been quite a few threads on this topic recently, and some have got pretty heated and nasty.

i have been in this situation myself, it's been an emotional rollercoaster. you can read other people's ideas, theories and experiences but nothing is going to give you an answer. i see this as a relationship issue that can only be dealt with by the 2 of you. one of you will have to compromise if you both want different things, just as you do with everything in relationships. if you can't agree then you'll have to wait till things change and settle and you are both ready to discuss it again.

imagine things in 5/10/15 yrs time with and without an extra child to make sure you really know what you want.

OK, it seems that having a plan is important to you (I can relate!). However, sometimes the best plan is to defer the decision until a later date - the best decisions are usually not made in highly pressurised/emotionally charged situations. Why not make a deal with yourself that you will wait a specific amount of time (maybe 6 months) - during that time you won't bring up the issues of marriage or further children. Spend the time enjoying being with your DD and trying to reconnect with your DP (it does sound as though you might have drifted a bit - this is normal, IMO most couples do that to some degree when babies arrive on the scene, but it's not good to become too emotionally apart from each other).

After the time is up, have a really through think about things, about what you would ideally like to happen, what you feel you can compromise on and what is a dealbreaker for you. Then, sit down with your DP and have a proper chat about things. If you, for example, feel that no marriage/no further DC is truly a dealbreaker for you, then tell him that. Not in an ultimatum-y kind of way, but it's only fair to let him know how serious you are about the situation and to hear out his views on the matter. When you've established what fundamentally matters to each other, maybe you could come to a compromise - would you agree to, say, one further DC but with a bigger age gap?

Obviously splitting up would be a huge decision, as you have a DD together, but although you would have to think very very carefully before splitting up the family, IMO no relationship should ever be the be-all and end-all. Yes, it matters a lot, but you should not feel that you have to give up many many things that are of fundamental importance to you in order to stay together - if you try, the resentment will fester.

meltedchocolate - I don't know that the 'wow poor bloke' is called for. If a man doesn't want to have children then he knows what not to do!

Hello MrsW :) I would leave it for now, and see how the next 6-12 months pan out. You are both so young, you really are, and you started TTC when you had been together 6 months if I'm doing my maths right which hasn't given you long as a couple just having fun. My DH is 41, and we haven't completely ruled out another baby - although I am more keen than he is at this point I will admit.
I completely understand how you feel, I'm really trying to come to terms with the fact that we might not have any more but we don't talk about it much so it isn't in the forefront of my mind all the time.

Don't waste this time with your DD thinking and wishing for possible future babies, enjoy her and enjoy your time together as a family. And don't be sucked into feeling that if you do everything for your DD and never ask your DP to get up in the night, change the shitty nappies, be the first one up in the morning, stay at home on a Saturday night, then he is more likely to say yes to another child. Don't let him hold this in front of you like a carrot.

The marriage thing I would be very firm about, it doesn't have to be expensive. In the meantime do you have a will sorted, joint mortgage if you have one etc?

For 2 of the 3 years you've been together you have been stressed out trying to conceive and have a baby.

Whatever happened to enjoying life in the present? - your partner has had very little time to build a relationship with the woman he loves (and you him)

You are both really young and frankly you have too many 'definites' in your post - he 'definitely' won't want any past 30 - wossat about?.

Neither of you know the future and you're both failing to enjoy the present.

You have 15 years of conception ahead of you (and a job (presumably) and a partner to build a life with), what's with all the hurry????

If you were 35 plus and you weren't sure of the relationship and you hadn't had any childrenyet then I would be commenting differently but right now it sounds like you're :

1. annoyed with him (not sure why)
2. not as happy with him as you want to be
3. entirely focused on having children instead of a relationship with him
4. 'thinking' about deceiving him by stopping contraception
5. It sounds like you don't care about him apart from as a sperm donor (harsh written down, but I couldn't think of any other way to put it so, sorry )

It doesn't sound good. In fact I'm a bit worried about you now I've read all your responses.

There is no hurry, chillax

I can see where you are coming from especially the change of mind. I have the opposite experience. When I got together with my dw, I told her I didn't want any more kids. I had one from previous relationship. She was upset but I gave her the opportunity to walk away at the very start. She chose not to. After time I decided to change my mind and agree to one despite not really wanting another. We had one and I love him but I really don't want any more. I am 41 and the thought of still having responsibilities for kids in my 60's is just not something I want! She agreed to one.

18months later and it's "wouldn't it be nice if he had a brother or sister" with her parents saying "when are you having another" Every time we see them!

Clearly my views made jack shit difference and now she thinks by going on about it enough I will change my mind. It disappoints me that despite numerous discussions about this in the past and compromise by me, she still doesn't let it rest!

Based on this I have some sympathy despite my view on kids being totally opposite to yours!

You do have time on your side though and I would back off for a year or two.

Leave the subject for a year at least and then tentatively raise it again. It's too soon for your DP to comtemplate with the stress of a newborn to factor.

Thanks for all your responses :) Didn't end up bringing it up with DP last night as didn't want it to turn into an argument as we have DSS all weekend and family coming to stay.
Have slept on it and thought about things a bit more and I know I'm being impulsive about it so just going to leave it for the time being and focus on us being a family for now. Not sure who said it but I do feel that DP and I have become a bit disconnected since DD was born so I'm going to work on getting us more "reconnected" again!

Ali I already do most of the work as far as DD is concerned so there's no way I could possibly do anymore anyway!!

MeltedChocolate I still don't understand your way of thinking, much as you probably don't get mine! But "no-one NEEDS extra children"?? So does anybody NEED any children at all then?? No child asks to be born, it's a choice their parents make for whatever reason. Sorry not trying to pick a fight but I just don't understand where you're coming from. :)

Maleview Nice to have a male perspective on it. And tbh when I read your post I thought "that's a shame, he's already compromised and had 1 and now she still wants more" so it's made me appreciate how DP might be feeling, the only difference being that originally he wanted the same as me and has only now changed his mind.

LaurieFairyCake A couple of your points may be reasonable but I've already said earlier I am not 'thinking' about deceiving him by stopping the pill, the idea is so abhorrent to me and I would never consider it. It was something others suggested to me stupidly. And you're right it is a little harsh to suggest I only care about him as a sperm donor!! That's totally not true but perhaps the way I may have come across in my posts.

Hi MrsW, I think waiting is the best plan DD is still so little .

You mention DSS is 4 so was only a year old when you met. Had he been split long? Just wondering whether he missed out on early months with his DS and whether the arrival of DD has affected him or his is more aware of what he misses about not being with DS 24/7? Just a thought, I may be way off though!

five years between mine and was a perfect gap I only ever wanted one, well I didn't want any. Then I got pregnant again and thought I'd keep it.

I didnt have my first until I was 2 weeks off the age of 30. My second (and last) arrived nearly 3 years later. Me and dh were together from the age of 19 and he wasnt as keen on having children as I was - we agreed together that we would have a child by the time we were 30 (just made it!). I sometimes feel broody for another but have resigned myself to just having 2.

whats the big rush ?

just go with the flow for a couple of years at least, then see how the land lies. It isnt a race you know

one way is to leave contraception to him, I can't be on the pill or anything which involves putting hormones in to my system because it always makes me depressed, so I leave it up to DP to use a condom- 10 times out of 10 he wont do it and uses the hope for the best 'withdrawal method'