help me get some perspective on inlaws please? (long)

[Witchofthenorth]

OK, This is not an inlaw bashing thread as such because I generally get on quite well with my MIL and SIL but I think I have reached my limit today! I genuinly do not know if I am over reacting or if I do have a point so I am throwing this out to MN.

Quick backgound: MIL has brain and mouth never engage syndrome whih I have learned to live with over past ten years (although been really tough at times) and I honestly believe she has no idea that she can be really insulting. For Example, telling me that giving my 8 month old baby her milk in a bottle, is "keeping her a baby" (she still is a baby ffs!), because my cat is an indoor cat and I have a litter tray in the bathroom, by default means my house is a stinking hovel. Asking me when I plan on stopping breast feeding as she wants DD2 overnight.

SIL cannot do anything without it going through MIL. as in, if I annoy her, MIL phones to let me know SIL was offended as opposed to SIL calling me up on it herself. (SIL is in her mid 40s BTW)
Anyways as I said I have gotten used to it over the years but lately its been getting quite exhausting.

It all came to a head today, normally I try to get into in laws once a week (we live 40 miles from them) on my ONE day that is not filled with work, nursery, after school activities and such, BUT, I am 7 months pregnant, I have SPD, I am tired and quite frankly with all the normal running about I do with work school, husband using car etc I just dont have the money to keep putting fuel in my car, it was getting to the stage that I was putting anything from £60 to £80 quid in a week...alot of money for us!! So I scaled back the visits citing finances, not feeling to great etc, all truthful reasons. I would like to point out that i am in a very fortunate position in that my inlaws LOVE having the kids to stay...SIL has no children of her own and adores her neices and nephews, so even f i do not "visit", the still see the kids at least once a fortnight. (i completely appreciated them taking the kids and am not in the slightest ungrateful!)

It now transpires that every time I have not visited, in their eyes, it means that they have offended me and I dont want to visit. My MIL asked me today what they had done as it was obvious i didnt want to see them and to just tell them what had happened. My SIL was apparently in tears all day yesterday as I obviously dont like her anymore. I tried to explain again the reasons why and was just met with, please just visit SIL is very upset we dont know what we have done.

Previously I had been on facebook and had put a cryptic status update on as i didnt want to out someone I really didnt like too much....the assumed it was about them, a three day drama ensued. I tols SIL not to give my DS a giant cookie half hour before his lunch...how can I be so cruel, he is obviously hungry and \i wont refuse him food!(that one came through (MIL). I can give you heaps more but I am conscious that this has become an epic post!

I broke down today and told her that I dont think they realise that every time they do this it upsets me, I normally end up being the one to halt any drama and apologising as they always come over as being so put out but I had reached my limit today!! I broke down to DH who ended up haveing a word with MIL and basically telling her to stop being so bloody stupid and self centred, witch is pregnant, tired, working still and in quite a bit of pain!!

She called me a little later in the day about something completely different and no ,ention at all of the fight. Kids are staying this weekend and I just know that when I pick them up on Sunday, everyone will act like nothing has happened and obviously no apology will be forthcoming.

If you are still with me I salute you :) Am I being to sensitive? If you need more info (hahahaha like this isnt big enough!) let me know.

TIA

They sound like really hard work.

Hats off to you for keeping it going as long as you have. Time to develop a thick skin and stop letting them get to you, methinks.

It is them, well done you but perhaps it's time to change tactic slightly.

Perhaps you need to be a bit more upfront when they upset you, not aggressive but just putting your point of view across more often?

Oh. My. God. That sounds horrendous! You sound like you have the patience of a saint going every week, I wouldn;t bloody bother!

Is there any way you can speak to your husband and get your commitments scaled down a bit? They sound crazy, this is really not normal level of interference and paranoia IMO.

I don;t think you are over sensitive at all, sounds very hard work.

thanks for replying :) husband told MIL today that we would have to sit and talk about commitmnts, as when new baby comes I am planning on sitting on the sofa for the first few weeks with my boobs out, baby stuck to them, watching boxsets and snacking :o so obviously will not be in a position to do a hour and a half round trip just to sit in someones kitchen and drink coffee!

They would honestly, I shit you not, expect me to go in once a week as soon as baby was born. The problem is with my third child, I did, like a bloody fool!

I just want to be able to make decisions about how I spend my free time with out it being analysed by them, and assumed to be a personal attack. Just now, Friday is my only "free day" and after keeping house, seeing to three kids, working (part time) and did I mention I was pregnant I want to just chill out a bit you know?

I must get tougher. I am just so tired of it now :(

I have to go for a bit and may not be back on tonight so if I dont reply I am not being rude honest :)

Will def be back in morming as not going visiting this week! (did that today)

Just giving you a reassuring pat on the back as I think you havegone above and beyond the call of duty re ILs. They don't sound like they can reason so unfortunatley I think you are going to have to learn to live with it and not let their snide comments get to you. What is important is you and your family and they are very, very lucky that you have been so gracious. At the end of the day if you break down who will look after your kids properly? They have had theirs and whilst it is admirable that they love your kids so much they need to learn to respect you and realise that you are the Mother of their GC and therefore need to be treated well. I speak from experience
Look after yourself.

Are they not capable of visiting you once in a while? Why are you doing all the running around?

Thanks Rumpel sometimes I wonder why I allowed this to happen this way, I am normally quite strong! I hope your experience wasn't too bad?

bushymcbush that is a small bone of contention, SIL in fact does have a car but they are both allergic to my cat and dog, so visits are very few and far between, usually it's at DCs birthdays so that would be three times a year? Plus Halloween? I know it's not very often.

I worry a lot about Xmas, usually we go there on Boxing Day and spend the entire day, have a meal and leave around 8pmish, this year however, I will be a week away from due date at Xmas and don't fancy staying all day, I proposed to DH that we go in and let kids open presents then come home again after a couple of hours...have yet to put that proposal to them...God help me :)

You have been so reasonable, but that's probably the problem. They have created a dynamic in which they are allowed to be unreasonable.

No more apologising is what I would suggest. Be clear about what is and is not going to be possible and suggest alternatives where you can so that you give options. If they then turn down the options that's up to them. e.g. "I won't be able to drive over during the first month or so, you are very welcome here to visit or their is a local coffee shop I could come out to for an hour if the new baby is sleeping"

Good luck.

Are you sure you're not me? Seriously, it's so similar. I won't go into mine as it will probably out me but you have my biggest sympathies. It is utterly draining being around people who want to be the the focal point of all scenarios and taking offence about anyway which this does not happen.

Just make sure you have your DH on board and as hard as it might be, try not to get drawn into bitching about them to him as much as possible. It's really hard (and I speak from personal experience) but you don't want it to start to affect your relationship with him.

Try to get your DH to have a word with them, saying that you are tired, need your rest, have SPD and that the same goes post birth. He doesn't have to be confrontational about it and if they take offence, oh well is the conclusion I recently come to, at least you won't have to see them for a while.

Personal question but do they have many friends? Are they bitchy about the ones they have got? (Speaking from persona experience here)

I think this is where sometimes the problem can come from too much time on their hands, not enough people to see things to do, means that the emphasis on family can become a little distorted.

People who tend to see the negative in everybody else, often without realising it, become very paranoid themselves. If they are being derogatry about others, I think you would probably presume others were doing it to you too. Just my theory though, might be nothing in it!

Sorry, many typos!

They do have friends roundtable but they do spend EVERY single day together! Which is fine, I know people are ok with that, I know that I couldn't though :)
They can be quite bitchy about others, but no more than anyone else I know TBF.

I do love them both and in the grand scheme of things they are no way near as bad as some in laws I have read about on here , however, it would be nice to not have to forward plan any decision I make and take into account how it might affect their perception of the situation. Did that make sense?

I have to go in this evening with my older two, leaving after I have picked them up from school so will see what happens then. I think I am more just hurt now about the complete brushing under the carpet of what has happened, I do not make a habit of bursting into tears in my MILs living room! Part of me wants to keep this at the fore so it can be dealt with, rest assured if the boot was on the other foot, I would have had MIL on the phone by now telling me that perhaps I should phone SIL and apologise for upsetting her.

Thankfully, DH is completely on board, he will however usually leave me to deal with it but if I need him to step in he would.

Oh dear! You poor thing, you've worked so hard but it sounds like every inch you've given, they've taken 3 more. Knackering! time to pull some back I think.

Perhaps it IS time for some straight talking - explain that you are not the guardian of their emotional wellbeing, that you are exhausted from your pregnancy/work/SPD/life and have no extra energy to deal with their dramas, and that you would really appreciate it if they would just give you some space for a bit to let you want to see them again because right now you are feeling too fragile.

Of course, that will probably set them off completely - but as it is all true, I believe you should make the space, for your own sanity and the continued "good" relationship that you have with them (which isn't that good if they're so bloody insecure - they've got you over an emotional barrel and are complete emotional leeches).

Now is the perfect time to re-draw the boundaries in your relationship - I am pleased your DH has your back and I hope it works out for you.

I think the problem is that something originally pleasant (going to see them) has become a pattern, which has become an expectation, which has become a cause of offence.

The best thing to do is to just be as upfront as possible about why you are doing things. How about phoning or Skyping them on weeks when you are not going? Is there somewhere in the middle that you could meet?

Definitely don't post cryptic messages on Facebook, that just makes everyone feel paranoid and causes trouble for no good reason!

Trust me BranchingOut I get you on the facebook thing, and to be fair it's something I do not normally do, only because I am so nosey and I can't stand it when someone else is cryptic....I need to know what's going on :o
It was in response to someone else who was asking why I never go on "facebook chat" , I just told them I normally show as offline as I don't always want to "chat" with people...they took that as I don't want to talk to them.
Not overly cryptic, but still...I didn't think it was that cloak and dagger for them to jump to that conclusion. However, that was one of the occasions I apologised for any offence caused (much against my better judgment).

I am upfront with them when it comes to not visiting. If I can't be arsed going in, I tell them, if I am sick, I tell them, if it is financial, I tell them...it still ends up being about them and how I clearly an unhappy with them for some reason. The only time they believe my reasons for me not going in to visit, is when it's one of the kids who are sick.

I think I need to retreat and recharge, god knows I am going to need my energy in the next few months!

Glad to hear your DH is supporting you and if they are nice people, then hopefully they'll be sympathetic if you do say that you can't make it due to XYZ.

You've bent over backwards to accommodate them and it's time to stop.
You're not going to change them. But you can change how you react to them. Do what you're comfortable with. Explain to them that you're not coming because you're tired/can't afford it/whatever, and leave it at that.
Don't take on any drama that ensues. Don't apologise; you haven't done anything to apologise for. Don't listen to second-hand complaints and chinese whispers about who's upset and who's wondering what they did to offend you.
It will simmer down eventually. They'll get used to it and no one will die.

They don't sound malicious but they do sound like children themselves, really. You might expect it of your small child that they'd get in a grump because 'Mummy' couldn't do a normal day trip because of being 7 months pregnant and in pain, but not an adult.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though the net result of you being really kind is that they've hogged a very convenient needy role, and people tend not to give that up without a fight - so I'm not surprised they didn't apologise because that is the beginning of taking responsibility for your behaviour, which they probably aren't keen on!

Doesn't mean that you can't just be a little bit tougher and that they won't adjust - good luck.

Well Crazyhead has said exactly what i was going to say . They sound like a couple of kids bickering . You must have the patience of a saint .
Stick to your guns lovely and let your dh deal with them for a while x

Thanks guys, it's just good to know that I am not over reacting....sometimes when I am in the thick of this type of thing, I end up feeling that I was in the wrong to begin with then go and apologise!

I am going to see if MIL says anything tonight before I decide what I am going to do next. My gut is telling me not to let this drop or I will end up back at the start, but I do know I have to man up a bit with them, I sometimes feel beholden to them as they both helped me out considerably when me and husband were working full time, they did all the childcare (apart from normal preschool and when me and DH were out of work) but I haven't worked full time for 3 years now.

I don't want to come across as entitled, but I think my debt is paid :)

Urgh they sound incredibly self-centred. YANBU.

Definitely one to refer to DH, who should be spelling out all your commitments and stresses to them. I think in order to get a long term improvement he needs to make them understand that they're being U.

I prescribe rest and cake.

(badoom)

I wouldn't necessarily leap to the boxing day agreement either tbh - you're probably not going to feel up for the drive, especially as the weather could be rubbish. Invite them to yours but make it clear you're not going anywhere is my advice. They obviously will come over sometimes after all, so it's about not making it too easy for them by you always going there - make it a lovely invitation so they can't whinge.

I had thoughtof that googietheegg, and dismissed it as soon as it entered my head:). The are the type who would come in sit down and then not move. Leave everybody else to run after them. I think I would prefer the drive and 2 hour visit TBH :)

Quick up date though, was in tonight to drop off older two as they are staying for the weekend and not a mention of Thursday! Not one bloody word, no how are you, are you feeling better, we are sorry.....not a fucking thing and I am actually really angry about it:(

I have a theory though, I believe, that they think I was upset because I couldn't go and visit and NOT because they nade me feel like shit! Or I could be over thinking things, but as self centred as they can be, this theory would not surprise me in the slightest.

Not quite sure what to do now...any suggestions?

They sound utterly soul destroying.

It's very different, but I have a brother who takes it very personally if he doesn't hear from me for a few weeks. Even if I made the most recent contact, it's still my fault if "too much" time has elapsed. I rise above the "poor me" syndrome and answer his texts in a bright and breezy fashion - I don't explain myself or apologise (if I did I'd be apologising for HIS insecurities, and I can't help them). I have plenty of friends/family who aren't hard work, and those who are do not endear themselves to me.

In your case, though, I think you spend far too much time with them. As much as they've been kind to you, they are your DHs family, not yours. In the nicest possible way, I wouldn't be spending that much petrol money/driving time on anyone who wasn't my immediate family, not unless DH was coming too.

Put yourself first for a bit. So you may have set a far from ideal trend, but that's no reason not to change it now.

And can't remember if you said - but where do your family come into it?