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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bit of a personal question...

71 replies

WhatTheBloodyHell · 10/11/2011 14:55

Long Time poster, greggs, fruit shoots,pomm bears etc...

Have changed my name because I am horribly embarassed by this. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months and it all seems normal and he's a good bloke, but he's recently let slip he's got a real thing for being dominated, the idea very much appeals to me, so he's not forcing me to do something i don't want to do, BUT...

What do I do? What do I say, I really need some help fromm you out there that are more sexually agressive out there.

Thanks

OP posts:

Melty · 12/11/2011 17:15

I don't know, worra
I dated someone briefly who sounded remarkably like this guy, and that is where I found out what vanilla means.
We didn't date for long, because he was a condescending arse I really couldn't do the stuff he was asking me to do. We never had straight penetrative sex once.
Horses for courses, I wasn't comfortable so I moved on.
But I would happily desribe myself as vanilla, (or boring!)

ballroomblitz · 12/11/2011 17:55

I knew what the term 'vanilla' was long before.

Agree with PlentyOfPubeGardens yep IC, Fetlife or your local alt network would be a good place to start if you are interested. Non-judgemental but can be a bit of an 'ahem' eye-opener. Your potential will seem perfectly 'vanilla' in terms of what some people like.. each to their own though :)

noseinbook · 12/11/2011 18:37

Well. I've noticed the word 'vanilla' creeping in all over the place as a term for bland/normal, so I wouldn't think it's much of a giveaway.

itsalladirtylie · 12/11/2011 18:57

I think blindfolding is a good one to start with, then you dont have to worry so much about whether you look the part.
I mean, it could make you feel less self conscious if you found it a bit hard to get into, that sort of thing

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 12/11/2011 19:11

If you buy a strap on please get the nicest expensive one from sh! - they are well made and very nice looking on. You do need to ask him straight up what he is up for: Trust me when I tell you if he can get someone to dominate him on a semi regular basis all the more extreme stuff will be negotiable. The fact that you are so up for it is great and you will have a lot of fun i am sure. Get yourself along to Torture Garden or Club Rub and have a look about and a great night out too. Agree that IC is a good place to go too - lots of nice people there.

carantala · 12/11/2011 21:29

Where is OP?

ChippingInNeedsSleep - Why would you suggest that I send a private message to OP? I have nothing against people enjoying themselves; each to his own, etc., etc.

I am trying to make people aware of "grooming" and the amount of money which can be generated from photos and videos on bdsm sites (probably other porn areas, too!).

I was an innocent sucker trying to please my man! Am becoming quite suspicious of this thread - have MNs been set up?

carantala · 12/11/2011 22:46

Still no OP

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 03:43

Carantala - it just seemed like you'd had a bad experience and I thought it might be something you could help her avoid and that it might have been very personal and not something you wanted to post in public, that's all.

MNers are often set up... so maybe. But sometimes people start a thread, get what they need from it and don't return. Generally the thread helps other people though, so don't let it bother you too much.

Original poster

WhatTheBloodyHell · 14/11/2011 12:57

Sorry - I am still here, but didn't have access over the weekend - just going to catch up with the posts I missed and hopefully answer some of the questions asked.

OP posts:

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws · 14/11/2011 13:09

A lot of assumptions flying around here. Just because he likes unusual stuff doesn't automatically make him a bad boyfriend. I say take it gently and see how it goes. If he does become a twat about it you can always dump him, but right now the poor guy has done nothing wrong.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws · 14/11/2011 13:09

Original poster

WhatTheBloodyHell · 14/11/2011 13:11

Very useful to get the range of views and I accept that this really isn't some people's idea of fun at all, personally I am really not into the whole golden shower thing, and I really doubt anything will change my mind on that.

Good advice on the idea of talking to him about where this has come from, it may give me a better understanding of him.

Re the vanilla comments, as I said previously I have previously considered myself fairly adventurous, I've done dressing up, light bondage, and have had some bum fun once or twice but only with people who I felt I could really trust. This seems a bit new to be able to say I trust him. if that makes sense?

As for pictures etc, I know he's quite keen on that, but I cannot bring myself to do that, I've only done pictures once or twice when in a long term relationship, and even then they were taken using my digital camera and I deleted them the next day, ebfore the could be transfered off the camera.

I'm partially considering walking away from this, maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew with this guy, but there is a part of me that is curious about this side of sex.

@Carantala - I'd be interested in chatting to your more as you seem to understand the most about where I'm coming from.

OP posts:

carantala · 15/11/2011 19:42

WTBH I did send a very long reply to you last evening but can find no trace of it today; will try again if you did not receive it.

I occasionally took photos of my xp but recall that he would never show his face in the pics. He took many, many photos and videos of me and I foolishly went along with it in an effort to please him; I know that he contributed to bdsm sites. His "desires" became more and more bizarre and quite scary sometimes. I became sick of the whole thing as he blatantly did not care about me or our relationship!

It sounds as if HappyinHerts also suffered.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/11/2011 19:52

Well, it's clear from the start that the sex won't be about you/ both of you enjoying it together/ possibly getting closer with time and exploring different things. It already is about him and the things he set out to do and you're just there to carry them out. When a relationship progresses and people are more and more comfortable with each other, they end up doing things they wouldn't have thought they would ever do and/ or things they would never do with anyone else apart from their partner. That's clearly not the case. You're already being an object here, even though it's him who wants to be dominated. If it floats your boat, than that's fine but I can't see the romance of the century coming out of this.

Change99 · 16/11/2011 14:26

Hasn't taken long for the judgemental to come out and start preaching from the moral high ground has it ! Shame on you all !

Hullygully · 16/11/2011 14:31

It all sounds very tiring and messy

Change99 · 16/11/2011 14:32

The poor guy said he has a thing for being dominated, the OP likes the idea !

From that the guy has become a sexual deviant, a sexual monster who's going to use and abuse her for his own pleasure, going to degrade her at will, going to take pictures and movies and sell them for thousaands !

Some of you people are well n truly FUCKED up !!!!!

GoToMan · 16/11/2011 14:49

If you can picture yourself doing him with a strap on; him with some sort of gag in his mouth; you slapping his arse red raw - and this excites you - then go for it!!

Otherwise, maybe best to leave now :)

ballroomblitz · 16/11/2011 16:13

WhatTheBloodyHell - I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone taking photos of me. I know a lot of men have asked even in the purely 'vanilla' (for want of a better word) way. Maybe because men get aroused with visual? Like yourself it's only something I've been comfortable with doing in a long-term relationship, with MY camera and deleted the next day. That to me is one of my limits and a no-no.

If you feel like you've bitten off more than you can chew with this man trust your instincts. However you also say you are interested in this side of sex, go for it. You don't need this man to find out more and you never know until you try :)

carantala I'm sorry you seem to have fallen prey to this man. I am on certain bdsm sites. I didn't know about people making money out of pics/videos as it's not my style. However it appears to be common practise for many to post pictures, normally excluding face shots.

susiedaisy · 16/11/2011 16:16

go to man

carantala · 17/11/2011 01:53

change99 I was merely trying to make the OP aware of the dangers of exploitation by bdsm "groomers." Think that I was the only one who mentioned the vast amount of money to be earned on the Internet. Good luck to OP if she and her new boyfriend are happy in their sex life! I'm not a prude or a killjoy!

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