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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bit of a personal question...

71 replies

WhatTheBloodyHell · 10/11/2011 14:55

Long Time poster, greggs, fruit shoots,pomm bears etc...

Have changed my name because I am horribly embarassed by this. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months and it all seems normal and he's a good bloke, but he's recently let slip he's got a real thing for being dominated, the idea very much appeals to me, so he's not forcing me to do something i don't want to do, BUT...

What do I do? What do I say, I really need some help fromm you out there that are more sexually agressive out there.

Thanks

OP posts:

mrscynical · 11/11/2011 14:21

Scat = pooh. Probably only at the extreme end of domination so unlikely to be on his wish list. He may also not be into the cock and ball torture either.

However, a bit of bondage, gagging, nipple clamping, caning and flogging may be a good start. You can then demand he 'pleasures' you. The ball (excuse pun) really is in your court!

Look at a bit of domme porn and see if it could be your sort of thing. Remember though that most porn is a bit extreme and usually done by experienced players so it may put you off. Keep an open mind though. As I say you will never be short of men if you like this sort of kink.

Good luck.

Malificence · 11/11/2011 14:32

There are tons of men on lovehoney into bumfun , without a doubt they all come across as utterly selfish, I've never seen any of them talk of their partner's pleasure, it's all about them and what they like and they're all obsessed with what size toy they can fit up their arses - their partners seem to be largely irrelevant, that's if they actually have partners and aren't just total fantasists to begin with .

I'm with meltedchocolate on the building up longterm trust thing, I don't think this type of adventurous sex comes quickly , , he sounds a bit me, me me.

carantala · 11/11/2011 18:24

WTBH It is possible that he is going to groom you. If you decide to go along with this and he then suggests photos and videos, please bear in mind that people can earn up to £100,000 p.a. from this type of porn. I have some experience here (sadly). Will be back later. Good luck!

susiedaisy · 11/11/2011 19:09

So basically he wants you to piss and shit on him whilst ramming things up his arse!! Nice!!

susiedaisy · 11/11/2011 19:16

I stand correctly Op didn't mention scat someone else did, so he only wants you to piss on him and ram things up his arse! How do you feel about it Op?

NiftyGeranium · 11/11/2011 20:13

come on guys, the OP is interested - she might have a good time. Nothing wrong with a bit of kink if both parties are consenting adults....

Saying she will be 'Ramming things up his arse' is judgy and prudish- how do you know what he likes... ? whats wrong with a prostate massager/anal vibrator for a man? Women enjoy rabbits after all

carantala · 11/11/2011 23:41

Left my earlier message in great haste before I went out this evening. Your new BF sounds like my XP. Did not mean to suggest that you would earn a great deal of money; far from it - they do! Can't post too much as do not want to be recognised but have spent months trying to find out if our private pics are on S & M sites! Just don't fall for a charming guy who may be trying to groom you; they love vanillas!

ballroomblitz · 12/11/2011 02:33

I love threads like this :) The close-mindedness of some people astound me though.

You need to have a long talk with him first about what exactly his fetishes are and what his limits are? You say domination but what exactly is it he wants? Be thorough. Some people like a bit of bondage or spanking but would hate to be blindfolded. You say bum? Is it fingers, toys or something a bit more ?

Yes trust is paramount but some people do 'play' this way with relatively new partners. The main thing is they communicate and negiotate in great, great detail about what their limits are, scenarios, bondages etc. Even with the likes of verbal humilation you need to know his limits, things he would not want said to him. You don't want to emotionally damage someone.

You have to be comfortable yourself. Speak up and say what you are not prepared to do. If golden showers are a no-no, just say so. Take it as slow as you need to, to get comfortable in the role. You don't have to go all out the first time yous are together but build up little by little if you feel ok about it.

If you do decide to go ahead with it make sure you have a safeword to stop it immediately at any time. This is essential!!! Remember safe, sane and consensual. That means for both of you.

Good luck! From someone who's been both sides of the coin it can be a lot of fun

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 12/11/2011 02:40

carantala :( I hope they aren't & I hope you are OK. If you feel you could help the OP avoid the situation you are in, maybe you could send her a private message? (not sure if you're a regular or not, but along the end of the bit where your name is, is 'message poster' and it's private).

rimmerfleadick · 12/11/2011 02:42

Collar and lead. Make him eat from a dog bowl.

Facesitting.

Go get a strap-on from Ann Summers or Love honey.

etc.etc...

ballroomblitz · 12/11/2011 02:43

Wow carantala that's awful!!

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 12/11/2011 03:20

Shurely shome mishtake Chickens? Don't you mean 'occasionally whack him with something while you mumsnet'? This site's done a lot to increase my vocabulary of filthy names

If you're hoping for a long-lasting relationship with this guy, WTBH, it may be prudent to discover how/where he got his rocks off before you met - and whether he's been visiting various houses sources of satisfaction while he's been seeing you.

His 'kink' is normal insofar as it's normal for him and numerous others who are so inclined, but it's a turn-off for me and I suspect it will be for you if you feel obliged to cater to his sexual needs on a regular basis for fear that he may seek satisfaction elsewhere if you don't provide it.

susiedaisy · 12/11/2011 10:40

My worry for op is that this is the only thing that the bloke likes and that 'regular' sex if you like will be so vanilla for him it won't satisfy him and the op will end up feeling obliged to do golden showers etc on a very regular basis whether she wants to or not,

ImperialBlether · 12/11/2011 10:48

I could never be involved with someone who wanted to be verbally humiliated. I couldn't do it to him and I couldn't identify in any way with him wanting that.

FabbyChic · 12/11/2011 10:51

Generally you would only do this type of thing as a one off now and again, if it became regular it would become a chore.

ballroomblitz · 12/11/2011 10:56

susiedaisy - which is why the op needs to have a good chat with him. There are varying degrees with which people like to do this. From lifestyle to once in a while during sex.

littlemisssarcastic · 12/11/2011 10:57

I'm with susiedaisy on this. I wouldn't have thought there were many people out there who, whilst being turned on by this sort of sex life, are quite happy to only indulge on the odd occasion. Imo, it will be a regular part of your sex life, if not the main part.
Once he's discovered you are happy to degrade him in the name of sexual kicks, I'd be surprised if it doesn't become a battle to have 'regular' sex again.

Not my cup of tea, I must admit, but if you honestly enjoy it, and get a kick out of it, go for it, just don't be deluded into believing it will be a one off (unless of course he's never tried it with anyone before and it's more a fantasy in his head so far IYSWIM, he might try it and find the reality doesn't match up to the fantasy.)

happyinherts · 12/11/2011 10:59

Run, run, run and then run a thousand miles more

You will eventually feel demeaned, used and humiliated for his needs. Is he considering your needs. He's me, me, me. I've been there too and I didnt realise it at the time. I thought I was pleasing him because I loved him. Now I realise he had no feelings for me, just wanted his needs serviced. Please be careful.

SausageSmuggler · 12/11/2011 12:28

Maybe start slow (blindfolds etc) and see how you feel after that. Personally I like handcuffs etc but bodily fluids don't really do it for me. It sounds like an odd compromise but maybe have sex in the shower? If you blindfold him there then he can just use his imagination

SausageSmuggler · 12/11/2011 12:29

Ah yes and make sure it is something he's happy to do once in a while - all the time would just be exhausting and not as gratifying for you.

carantala · 12/11/2011 16:07

happyinherts Completely agree with your post!

confusedpixie · 12/11/2011 16:18

Make sure you get good handcuffs if you use them. I broke my pair on the first go and they were meant to be 'Xtra Strong!'

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 12/11/2011 16:37

If this is something that genuinely appeals to you too ...

Start very slowly

Negotiate thoroughly

Whatever you do make sure you know how to do it safely

Don't do anything you don't want to do

Ignore the judgmental people

Get thee over here and learn from some very experienced people

Have fun!

worraliberty · 12/11/2011 16:42

Hmm I'm thinking the OP is a lot more into this than they're giving away

The term 'vanilla' is a bit of a giveaway LOL

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 12/11/2011 16:58

Well spotted worra

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