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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, what do I do now re: brother

30 replies

hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:13

I haven't seen or spoken to my brother for just over eight years. His wife was really vile to me on my wedding day and I got very depressed over it and decided that I couldn't cope with having contact with them.

I'm now on antidepressants and am having CBT and feeling a lot better. I do miss my brother, if not his wife, and emailed him a few days ago. It was just a short email.

He hasn't replied. Should I follow it up with something or ask my dh to phone and try to break the ice (he's very diplomatic and good at things like that)?

Should I tell my brother the reason why I haven't been in touch or would it give his wife too much satisfaction? He's a nice enough bloke, if a bit gutless, and my counsellor has tentatively suggested that perhaps he's unknowingly 'chosen' an abuser as his wife because we both have an abusive mother. She did appear to wear the trousers and was a stroppy thing. Has she succeeded in cutting him off from me? Sad

Any advice?

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 09/11/2011 21:18

I think if you are going to be back in touch with him you do need to accept that he is still married to his wife and presumably loves her.

Not that you have to put up with people being horrible to you, but telling him all about the reason you broke off contact sounds a poor idea tbh, unless he asks and you think he really wants to know.

I would give him a bit of time - a few days is not long after eight years' silence. Send them both a Christmas card perhaps, with a bit of low-pressure family news (personally written, not a circular) and just saying 'I would really like to be in touch again but understand if you don't want to. I'd like to continue sending cards, I hope that's OK'. Then if you still get no response, just continue with birthday and Christmas cards so that they have up to date addresses etc for you.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 21:19

Did you post a while back on this subject?

If so, I seem to recall that you received a fair amount of advice and the consensus was to let your brother make the first move as it certainly will give his toxic wife satisfaction if she believes that you've been stewing over her hatefulness for so many years.

As it is, you've emailed your dbro and IMO it would overkill to ask your dh to follow through.

If your dbro doesn't get in touch, you're best advised to resign yourself to the fact that it may be some considerable time before you hear from him - but I have no doubt that you will hear from him in the not too distant futurel.

pollyblue · 09/11/2011 21:21

Well done you for emailing him, that must've taken some courage after so long.

Would your DH be happy to phone your brother on your behalf? Sounds like a good idea in principle - perhaps leave it a few more days, then ask your DH to ring. After that, the ball is really in your brothers court. I hope you do hear from him Smile

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:26

Yes, I posted on this a few weeks ago, but was in two minds whether or not to contact him. I was advised just to leave it.

I just feel that my brother should know why I haven't been in touch as I'm the one looking unreasonable, when it wasn't really my doing. I was just reacting to what she'd dished out Sad Perhaps I should have challenged her at the time, but I was too shocked as she'd been okay up until then. dh reckoned it was jealousy that was driving her.

I feel really confused and upset. It's not fair that she's managed to do this. She has three brothers and has always had contact with them.

I worry that she is toxic and I'll never see him again.

Damn Sad

OP posts:
RealityIsADistantMemory · 09/11/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:34

She shouted at me, ignored my in laws, was stroppy, rude then stopped my brother from having a trip out with me and dh which had been pre-arranged. I also suspect that she didn't want to attend the after wedding meal because my brother phoned me and tried to get out of going. I feel that things were coming from her as he seemed really chuffed to be giving me away and being there.

She also didn't dress properly (just wore trousers and a shirt) and didn't make any effort to make their dcs look smart at all - they had sports tops on so the photos looked awful Sad

I'd never seen her before like that apart from a brief visit prior to the wedding to drop a mended computer off and she was moody, but we just put it down to pms or whatever and shrugged it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:36

I can hear her now, hissing at him for even considering being in contact with me anymore. I'm not going to hear from him am I?

Damn it, I feel that he should know. Surely he must have noticed what she was like. She openly refused to come out with us for the trip. She was unfriendly, he must have noticed. They've been married for years and years, he can't be in some rose tinted fug after all this time. He must know what she's like.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 09/11/2011 21:38

I think you need to accept that you did a fairly drastic thing (cutting your dbrother and his wife entirely out of your lives for 8 years over her poor behaviour on one occasion) and that he might not feel ready to forgive you just yet.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:44

It was my wedding day though and my first dh had died a few years previously, so it was especially important. It wasn't just any random event. I cut them out because I couldn't face the hurt. It wasn't out of spite or anything like that.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 09/11/2011 21:46

If you truly think she is a horrible spiteful person then are you better equipped to deal with her now?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:48

Yes, I'm not a pushover anymore. I speak my mind and don't take any crap now. A lot has happened over the last few years.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 21:48

If she is so vile, are you even sure they are still together? He may have seen the light by now.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 21:53

ds1 has just asked that very same question. I'm supposing their still together. He's still living at the same address and I doubt he'd have the guts to get out tbh. She was his first gf.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 22:08

He may not check his emails regularly, or have even changed email address. Are your kids in contact with their cousins?

newgirl · 09/11/2011 22:09

You sound so sad about not seeing your brother - I think the 8 years has hurt you more than the sil behaviour ever did. He must have been very hurt by your reaction too and I wonder if he ever understood it? I would just think you will be happier when you manage to get in touch even if you have to put your feelings for sil aside. I really would not criticise sil and just try to build bridges. Good luck

bejeezus · 09/11/2011 22:27

If I was your brother I have to day I would find it hard to forgive you for having cut me off for 8 years with no explanation. His wife wad horrid to you, not your brother. I think you ate going to have to give him some explanation aren't you? Had he not tried to contact you in these 8 years and asked why you aren't speaking to him? Have you been sending birthday cards to his kids? Did he know his wife shouted at you?

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 23:12

The reason why you were previously advised to leave it is that you didn't want to 'begin again' as it were, but intended to more to 'have it out' with your brother and berate him for his dw's behaviour on an occcasion, albeit a very important one to you as it was your wedding day, that happened 8 years ago.

If you are getting in touch with him to relieve your angst, I can't see that any good will come of it and you may end up with more to fret about for the next 8 years.

Unless you are extending an olive branch with a genuine desire for reconciliation, I would suggest that you let sleeping dogs and your seemingly henpicked brother lie.

AgathaCrusty · 10/11/2011 09:26

I think you have 2 options - either extend a genuine olive branch of friendship to BOTH of them and just see how it goes, or leave it alone and maybe your brother will get in contact in time.

FWIW I think you over-reacted by cutting him off over his wife's behaviour. I also think that you are making a lot of assumptions on this thread about their relationship. You can't know what goes on in their relationship, so you shouldn't really judge.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 10/11/2011 12:46

I didn't cut them off out of malice though. I was genuinelly depressed and very upset. I've only just had my depression treated and have been having CBT for about two months now. I've been talking about this issue with the psychologist. I was angry, but didn't just stomp off in a temper. My brother is my only living family apart from my two dcs. My only blood relation ifyswim.

OP posts:
LaPruneDeMaTante · 10/11/2011 12:49

Did you tell him you were cutting them off?
Did he try to contact you at all?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 10/11/2011 12:53

He sent a card about a year after I'd just left their home that day. I just drove away after picking ds1 up and felt like crying. I never contacted them again and ignored the card. I know I should have been in touch before now, but I didn't know what to say. I cut them off so that I didn't have to face any more hurt. I ended up in care partly due to something my brother did, but I've even forgiven him for that. He's hid stuff from me. He is a coward.

They could both be a pair of utter shits, I don't know. I do miss him and my dcs don't ever see his dcs.

I dunno what to do. Will talk about it with psych. this afternoon.

OP posts:
LaPruneDeMaTante · 10/11/2011 12:55

It sounds really complicated, and it sounds like you want something from him that he might not be able to give you (a bit of stability, maybe? Happy family memories?).

Glad you're not rushing into it.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 10/11/2011 13:03

I know, perhaps they're just a couple of selfish people who never really gave a stuff anyway. They were meant to have been caring for ds1 aged 4 at the time, (they offered) and let him run all around the church near a busy main road when we were outside supposedly having pictures taken. I was a nervous wreck in case he got knocked over. They just stood there and watched Sad

Perhaps they're not worth bothering with and I'm just fooling myself.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 10/11/2011 13:13

I don't understand why he hasn't tried to contact you in all this time? If you didn't tell him you were upset. He woulnt have known you weren't speaking to him? After some time je might have got an idea, did he never phone and say watsup? Is it normal to go a long timep with no contact in your family? Maybe he is mad with you about some thing as well?

You started this thread wanting to reestablish contact but now say maybe they are not worth bothering with. I think you need to sort out in your own mind if and why you want to he in contact again

bejeezus · 10/11/2011 13:16

What happened before your wedding?

Sounds like you are angry with him about more than that?