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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help urgent advice if anyone is up

47 replies

Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 00:42

my dp has just come in drunk having driven 20 minutes on motorways etc i have gone ballistic and he has basically defended his actions

this is sooo wrong isnt it - you cant defend that can you?

OP posts:
marsup · 02/11/2003 00:46

I agree with you, there is no defense for that - he was endangering his own life and other people's lives too. There are countries where drink driving is considered normal, but I'm glad this isn't one of them. Maybe you should tell him off properly tomorrow when he's sober though!

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 00:48

gone too far for that im afraid hes being a sheer c**t - defending it saying its ok cos he has "just had a few beers" then telling me to shut up and let him get on with his drink

OP posts:
uknowme · 02/11/2003 00:56

Message withdrawn

JanHR · 02/11/2003 04:58

Hi there, I also think this is undefendable.
Does he not realise that you are only worried as tyou have recently given birth to his child and don't want to become a single parent. Try and exlain this to him in the morning when he is sober.
If you want to talk give me a call.
HTH
Jan
xxx

Angiel · 02/11/2003 10:08

How are things this morning? Is dp awake yet? There is no excuse for drink driving, he needs a good kick up the bum. Hope you're ok?

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 11:28

Its all gone very pear shaped - I challenged him last night about it saying he was potentially affecting lots of lives not least mine and the kids and he was just being an ignorant arse saying the usual "i was fine" "im a good driver" couldnt get it into his head that the whole point is that alcohol makes you "feel" that your fine when your not which is why its so dangerous

Anyway it got very out of hand and spiralled quickly involving me im ashamed to say throwing the food he was eating over his head (he told me to shut up and let him get on with his curry - said i was a bitch and a nag and was always on his case - No, Im merely challenging you on something I dont agree with) - when I did this as you can imagine it intensified and he started talking about leaving etc

Anyway I went to bed and woke up in the night sobbing - had a horrible nightmare when he got up this morning i said so are you leaving then he said "shut your face" so things are still not good - not sure what will come of today

In a way something had to give as Ive had a few niggles for a while now and I have no doubt that all of that came out last night because Im just generaly frustrated with his "one of the lads" attitude.
This probably just sounds like waffle and makes no sense, sorry!

OP posts:
mammya · 02/11/2003 11:35

Beccarollo, it doesn't sound like waffle and makes perfect sense, I assure you. Poor you, it's all gone horribly wrong hasn't it? Do you think if you left things for a while until your dp calms down you'd be able to talk things through? Does he usually dismiss what you say by calling you a nag and a bitch or was it out of character and due to last night's incident and being hungover? Sorry, not much help here, but am feeling for you. (((hugs)))

Chas27 · 02/11/2003 11:36

I'm up and read your post, you poor thing. It doesn't sound like dp is any more co-operative sober than drunk judging by his response to you this morning. Drinking and driving is a very serious business, we all know that. I used to date someone who would happily get behind the wheel after lots of drinks. I would happily call a cab and leave without him. Without knowing anything about your dp, you, or your relationship, I would let the dust settle and broach the subject another time. Along the lines of, your concern for his (and other peoples) safety. This is very worldly wise I know, it's a tricky one!

Chas27 · 02/11/2003 11:36

I meant to say "it's NOT very worldly wise".. it's too early!

Angiel · 02/11/2003 11:45

Sorry things aren't any better this morning. I think drink driving is despicable but if I were you, I'd be more worried about his general attitude towards you at the moment. Does he always speak to you like that? I really hope your day gets better.

StuartC · 02/11/2003 12:28

Do you think that he was over the limit?
Have you ever previously thrown his meal over his head?

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 12:33

I take what you are saying Stuart that it was completely wrong for me to do that and I have said as much to him this morning that I was very sorry for doing that and it was uncivilised and unexcusable. He however couldnt do the same and admit that it was uncivilised inexcusable to drink and drive - he was so adamant not to apologise and accept he was wrong that he tried to blame me saying it was because i refused to move nearer his friends so he could go out with him and walk or get a cheap taxi home, that his dad had always done it so it was ok and that i was a nag and a bitch for having a go at him for it.

Yes I know he was over the limit - his speach was slurred and he was staggering - he told me he had had 4 or 5 pints and a vodka which I think is 5 or 6 times over the limit.

This isnt a I hate men thread its a thread asking for advice when someone male or female has treated me like shite!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 12:34

Please excuse poor spelling and grammar!

OP posts:
Twinkie · 02/11/2003 12:50

Message withdrawn

StuartC · 02/11/2003 12:57

I wasn't making a sexist point - just asking questions.

(Maybe I'll take a second nickname and pretend to be a woman - then I can post without appearing to be causing trouble.)

(No I won't.)

I agree that drink-driving is not acceptable. I don't do it myself, though in exceptional circumstances I'll have an absolute maximum of one pint. DP won't drive after any alcohol at all, and I admire her for this.

I'd be wary of letting your annoyance at your DP's activity develop into something that would jeopardise the relationship.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 13:01

I apologise - Stuart I read your post as you implying we were al man bashing when I had been out of order too.

Forgiven?

OP posts:
StuartC · 02/11/2003 13:22

Twinkie - I'm glad that in my relationship it would not be acceptable - under any circumstances - for one person (regardless of gender) to believe it's OK to throw a meal over the other person's head. That's domestic abuse, and assault. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

Beccarollo - the above isn't targetted at you, you've said that you know you shouldn't have done that. I'd be more concerned about the relationship than about the driving issue. Deeper matters involved - I wish you luck.

ANGELMOTHER · 02/11/2003 13:32

Oh Becca just caught up, lord they can be shits can't they.
I know what you mean about things building up and other little niggles getting in on the act. I also have an at times extremely rude dh or should that be h. Not sure if it helps but I've always found finding myself a quiet place (easier said than done) and writing him a letter helps as he would never listen to all I have to say.
The drink driving is inexcusable but it also seems as though it could be just one of many things you need to "have out" between you.
The arrival of a new baby puts huge pressures on everyone in a family. I've found it restricts the time me and dh have to chat and catch up on "stuff", thus we then fall out of tune with eachother and problems arise.
Is there anyone who can babysit and just get out on your own for a few hours on neutral ground, to simply talk and "tune in" to eachother.
Sorry if this is way off mark, men never fail to amaze me sometimes. Can't they see we have our hands full.

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 18:58

Thanks for all the input peeps

had it out with him this afternoon and he was remorseful about the drink driving I was saying @well what about when you said XYZ and he said that in the heat of the moment he was saying those things but knows it was wrong, shouldnt of done it blah blah

I used the opportunity to get alot of other things off my chest too which I think has been driving a bit of a wedge between us which, again he admitted and apologised for - will just have to see if he means it and makes a change.

Thanks whoever suggested finding some disturbing sites on drink driving - I think I will still do this to drive the message home - I couldnt believe for a supposedly intelligent human being he was coming out with things like "but Im a good driver" etc

OP posts:
lou33 · 02/11/2003 21:17

Becca, would this be helpful to you?

shamefull · 02/11/2003 22:40

Beccs, I am a VERY regular poster.
I enjoy my wine but would never dring and drive.
BUT last year under very specific circumstances I did.
I am compleltey remorseful and mortified about it now and would NEVER EVER do it again.
#It caused a huge row with my husband (unsurprisingly)
He nearly left me. I do not blame him.
I have really learned my lesson.
I tell you all this to reassure you it CAN be a one off, blip in an otherwise reponsible person's behaviour.

shamefull · 02/11/2003 22:41

of course that would be drink, not dring

Original poster
Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 22:45

Thankyou shamefull that is reassuring Thanks for sharing with me

Lou33 - that is the type of thing Im after, Ive forwarded to his email address so when he checks it he might contemplate things a bit without getting defensive.

I came home this afternoon to a spotless house, dishes washed etc he has been very nice and apologetic still cups of tea on tap so im really hoping that 1. He really means it about regretting the drink driving
2. He has taken on board my other gripes

OP posts:
Lethal · 03/11/2003 00:46

"That's domestic abuse, and assault." .... sorry Stuart C, but I feel you've made a gross exaggeration there, and I almost laughed when I read your comment. Throwing food over someone, while perhaps childish and unnecessary, is (in my mind) nowhere near domestic abuse or assault. I'm sure we all know the feeling of WANTING to do someone like that when we are being made to feel like absolute c**p by our partners, and perhaps Beccarollo felt pushed to that limit. She apologised, which was totally the right thing to do, but I would say her partner also needs to develop some common sense and understand why she was so upset.

I would probably find it more humiliating than anything to have a plate of food dumped over me, but I think that cruel words and comments can be just as humiliating and probably more hurtful to a person.

StuartC · 03/11/2003 07:50

Lethal - if you would tolerate a meal being thrown over your head, then we have different standards. Different people, different ways. Neither of us is exclusively right, nor wrong.
I wouldn't want to live like that.