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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help urgent advice if anyone is up

47 replies

Beccarollo · 02/11/2003 00:42

my dp has just come in drunk having driven 20 minutes on motorways etc i have gone ballistic and he has basically defended his actions

this is sooo wrong isnt it - you cant defend that can you?

OP posts:

Lethal · 03/11/2003 08:29

I wouldn't like to live like that either, and I can't say that I would tolerate it. I'd probably be very angry if someone did it to me, but I would not class it as domestic abuse or assault.

An act of impulsiveness and childishness perhaps, but domestic abuse and assault are much more serious things in my opinion.

Twinkie · 03/11/2003 08:41

Message withdrawn

StuartC · 03/11/2003 08:56

So is it OK for a man to throw a meal over his wife's head if she's not listening to him?
Is a little slap assault?
Where is the line drawn?

doormat · 03/11/2003 08:58

Beccaroll, cant blame you for going off your head.Driving and alcohol can be a deadly combination.

BTW I would of done
food abuse
by not cooking him any dinner.

Twinkie · 03/11/2003 09:11

Message withdrawn

StuartC · 03/11/2003 09:15

Different people, different ways. It wouldn't suit me.

doormat · 03/11/2003 09:19

StuartC my dh goes into Victor Meldrew mode sometimes and sorry but I just dont listen to his moaning like he doesnt listen to mine when I go into moaning mode.It goes in one ear and out the other.
As for the dinner I think Beccaroll was generous by even making it.
I woule expect the same treatment if I was in the wrong.
A slap is far worse.

Twinkie · 03/11/2003 09:22

Message withdrawn

codswallop · 03/11/2003 09:23

watch out dadlibs about BR!!

Lethal · 03/11/2003 09:24

I would say a 'little slap' could probably be classed as abuse, because it is an act of one person trying to physically assault the other one. Then there's verbal abuse as well, which can also be extremely damaging to someone, mentally & emotionally.

On the other hand, having gravy & mashed potatoes dumped on you is really only likely to result in a dented ego

StuartC · 03/11/2003 09:33

Doormat - would you really expect this treatment if "you were in the wrong"?
It amazes me that this can be dismissed so lightly.
If a stranger threw a meal over your head in a restaurant, surely that would be assault.
How come that it's not assault if it's done at home by a member of the family?
This definitely crosses the line in my opinion.

If one of the MN posters starts a thread tomorrow and says her DH has done this, will you reply and tell her it's OK, it's normal and to be expected?
Wow. I'm amazed. And confused.

doormat · 03/11/2003 09:48

StuartC If I had done what beccarolls dh had done, I would expect my dh to phone the police and report me to be honest.I would deserve it as I do not agree with drink driving full stop.
If my dh done what beccarolls dh done I would do the same report him to police.

My dh would not even get a dinner sorry.He would have to fend for himself as I would be disgusted in his behaviour.

I work in a pub and it amazes me the arrogance in some men(sorry but never seen it in a woman yet) who think they can drive whilst being drunk.We are an anti drink-driving pub and our regulars either walk or get a taxi there and back as they know our policy.It is the non-regulars who we have to wrestle the keys off and advise them to get a cab or walk.

Of course a strangers behaviour is different. I wouldnt dream of approaching a stranger and telling them they were not getting their dinner or sex tonite
joke by the way.

Original poster

Beccarollo · 03/11/2003 10:31

Can I just mention that I didnt actually make him the dinner he ended up wearing - it was a tandoori chicken that he brought in with him!!

I was threatening to ring the police and report and he was calling my bluff but I didnt make the call.

I threw the dinner because he was emotionally abusing me IMO and I couldnt outshout him for him to hear me - he wouldnt listen, was telling me to shut up, call me names etc so while I was trying to reason with him and talk to him that wouldnt work and Im afraid I lashed out in anger and frustration and being plain desperate. I went for the food as he had just said "Will you shut up and let me get on with this, your putting me off my food" so i picked the sauce up and threw it in his face and pushed the tray to one side - he was unscathed by the tray but my curtains and sofa wasnt Im not condoning what I did I have already said how stupid it was.

Becca

OP posts:

doormat · 03/11/2003 10:38

Beccaroll LOL no wonder you threw it at him.
"your putting me off my food"what an awful remark.
apologies for the making his dinner remark, sorry didnt realise it was a take-away.
Have you got the stains out of the sofa and curtains.???

Original poster

Beccarollo · 03/11/2003 10:46

no problem about the making his dinner thing I had to laugh, he doesnt get his dinner when he is being nice never mind if he is being a sod!

i had to get the steam cleaner out yesterday to get the sauce out of the curtains and keep finding grains of rice everywhere - that'll teach me

OP posts:

doormat · 03/11/2003 10:49

ROFL beccaroll
Talking of sofas my ds 3 decided to paint our new cream leather suite with black nail varnish on Saturday evening.It was a foot square. Managed to get it out with loads of nail varnish remover and cotton wool buds, took hours though

pie · 03/11/2003 11:38

If throwing food over a family memeber is domestic abuse and assualt my DD will be going up before the judge in the morning.

I really should stay out of this

Original poster

Beccarollo · 03/11/2003 12:21

LOL pie

I agree with whoever said throwing food could be laughed about one day whereas violence couldnt - in a way I really needed to vent and lash out in my enraged state but I did chose the most lighthearted way to do it so to speak, I knew if I hit him or whatever ther would be no going back so I went for the food.

Im probably making this worse arent I

Am I going to be known on mumsnet as a domestic abuser?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 03/11/2003 14:39

Beccarollo. if you have a Play Station or similar, get a driving game for it and see how well your dp performs sober and then with varying amounts of alcohol inside him. It might change his perception of how good a driver he is when he's been drinking. Or any sort of game that tests his reaction times.

Original poster

Beccarollo · 03/11/2003 14:47

That is a good idea SoupDragon thanks for that - I'll give it a go.

As I said he seems genuinely sorry but what worries me is that he is sorry that it upset me and understands why I dont want it to happen but still at the back of his mind thinks "I can drive fine when Ive been drinking" IYSWIM

OP posts:

codswallop · 03/11/2003 14:49

Welcome back the Soupstress

Clarinet60 · 08/11/2003 22:49

I once threw a spoonful of porrige at a boyfriend during an argument. He didn't consider himself abused and we laughed about it for months.

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