DH's

[Bibiboo]

I met dh almost 11 years ago and we got together 9 years ago, and since then I've known about something from his past he would never talk about. He'd get very stressed and upset about it when I asked and told me he was so ashamed he would never tell anyone. I have left it for all these years, trying my hardest not to ask and pry becuase it got him so upset, but now I know what it is and I don't think I can cope.

I am glad I know because it has the potential to change my life but I wish I was still ignorant in my bliss. I don't know if I should say what it is, feel like I would be betraying his trust, I just wanted to write it all down and try and process a bit of it.

It doesn't change the way I love him or how much as it was something from so long ago, before he knew me and ultimately his decisions and reasons for them are none of my business. I am just hurt, angry and shocked that he didn't tell me sooner, like when we got married or had dd, as it could potentially come back into OUR lives and change OUR lives, not just his.

It's a lot to take in and I don't know how to cope with it just yet or how I'll cope with it in the future. He's had a lot longer to deal with it than I have, and has dealt with it, just not sure if I can. It's kind of unfinished, not resolved and there aren't certainties which is something I'm not good at dealing with. I don't do "what-ifs".

Sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out. Thanks

Sorry title should have been
"DH's secret from the past"

It is a bit difficult without knowing what he has done.

Are there ways you can protect your family?

I'm deeply intrigued as to what it is but I won't ask. You say he has "dealt with it" - he has managed to do that, it seems, because he has had a long time to come to terms with it. For you it's new and raw - and it will take you time to get your head around it too. I guess telling you about it (after 11 years) is another stage in your dh's process of coming to terms with it. I do think, though, that he must recognise that while he is now - to some extent - at peace with it, you are not and you will need to talk, and be reassured etc. and he must accommodate you in this.

I can't help you at all with the unresolved nature of it - I would hate that too. Can it be resolved or is it always going to be hanging over you? That's a hard thing to have to come to terms with.

It must have been something very traumatic for him to have taken 11 years to tell you (and yet you have known there was 'something' all that time). It's a big step now for him to finally unburden himself - but it sounds like you now have to shoulder the weight too and that's hard. Good luck.

Good grief - what on earth could be so potentially damaging yet hang over a person for so long. And how has he managed to get through the past however many years with this hanging over him!

Sounds pretty awful to me!

I hope you can talk it out with him, then I suppose you just have to take a judgement call on whether you can or can't live with it all!

Maybe it was easier for your DH in that he clearly didn't and doesn't have a choice as to whether to live with it, other than not living with it!

I am assuming DH knows you know but refuses to talk about it? Mmmm tricky one. Skeletons in the closet have a nasty habit of biting you on the bum. IME things that are brought out into the sunlight rarely are rarely as bad as they seemed with they are stored away in deep dark corners. But have no idea how you can make DH open up to you.

I read it as dh had finally told you about it. If not, that makes it even harder.

I asked him to tell me, in a way I made him tell me and I'm glad I did but wish I didn't know if that makes any sense.

Basically, here goes, I hope he doesn't secretly Mumsnet!

When he was younger, he has a summer time fling with a girl he was working with, a casual thing that neither of them intended to carry on when he went back to uni. He slept with her twice over the summer and went back to uni shortly after, and as planned they didn't keep in touch.

He came home for a weekend a few months later and got a phonecall from her asking to see him. She turned up in her car and dh got in. She said was pregnant, it was his but she was with someone else who was going to be the baby's father and dh wasn't going on the birth certificate. Dh was obviously a bit freaked out, got out of the car for some frsh air and to think. She then drove off and never contacted him again.

He hates himself for not getting in touch with her and finding out more, but will not do anything now because there is possibly an 11 year old child involved who is or isn't his, and who he hopes is happy and knows nothing about him. He's afraid that if he does find a child that is his, he could wreck their life by pulling his "family" apart.

DH was afraid to tell me becuase he thought I'd hate him (I am from a messed up broken family) and he hates himself for not doing anything.

I don't hate him, he was young and we've all done stupid, irresponsible thing we're ashamed of. I am very, very angry that he didn't tell me sooner because there could well be a child of his out there somewhere who comes to find him one day and if I didn't know all of this, imagine what that would do to me and dd?!

The way I'm thinking about it all is that the girl could well have had the other man throughout the summer too and the child (if there even is one) could just as easily be his. I also think that dh was impossibly stupid to not use protection, so was she. I only know a few details so far though. She knew his situation, he lived hundreds of miles away and they were both teenagers who barely knew each other, so I can only hope it was failed protection and not intent on her part and stupidity on dh's. They had even talked and agreed that while they spent the summer flirting, if it went to anything more, it was only a summer thing.

My head is swimming, but I can't bear the thought of anyone on here thinking badly of dh, so i hope I've done the right thing by saying what he did/ He is a fabulous man, kind, generous, loyal, but with the great big worry hanging over him and now me. I don't hate him one little bit, I am angry with him and infurated by his actions but love him to the ends of the earth. I want more than anything to make this go away for him and me, or at least to resolve it, but he won't do anything for reasons set out above. What can I do?

Blimey Bibibooo. that is a biggy.

My first reaction is. He does not know if this chidl even exists. If it does then this child coudl well be in a settled family, happy and loving.

bibiboo, your shock is entirely understandable

I think the fact that this has been torturing your dh for all these years shows that he's a decent bloke

Even if it was his child, it's unlikely that he/she will come looking for your dh for many years yet. Is the issue that dh wants to find the child?

Exactly. He feels like an absolute bstrd for not facing a possible responsibility back then, but feels trapped now that he can't do anything about it in case he ruins a child's life.
He is not scared that he'll have to pay maintenance or anything, he's not like that at all, he just doesn't want to do anything in case he wrecks something. There may not even be a child liek you say, and I've tried to tell him that without contacting the girl, he doesn't even know if it's his.

It's so good to be able to talk to people about this.

it's a difficult situation for you bibiboo - there's not a lot you can do except support your dh's decision, whatever that may be. I can certainly understand how troubled his conscience must be by this, and how difficult it must be to decide what to do about it, if anything. Could he write to the woman he had the fling with and ask her some questions?

He really needs to find out from the mother if she actually had the child Then he can decide what to do.This has been torturing him I bet especially as you have other children that pobably makes it harder for him Could he write to her?

I don't think dh wants to know for certain that there is a child and it's his for 2 reasons

1. If he did know, then he'd wants that child to be happy with his existing family and not know about him
2. He feels like he should have done something before now, and now he's unable to. He was young, frightened and knows he was irresponsible

He's accepted that one day someone might come looking for him, and he's ready for that, but I don't think I am yet. All I can think is..
there might not be a child
the child might not be his
the child might never know if he was his

I keep playing it over and over in my head that what if we'd gotten soemthing from the CSA or a knock at the door and he hadn't told me? He didn't tell me because he doesn't want me to think badly of him or hate him for what happened, but me finding out would have been 100 times worse and I can't get that through to him! All he keeps saying is he hoped it never would and he didn't want to hurt me with what went on before he even knew me.

you're right, it would have been awful if you'd found out from someone else, and it's entirely natural that those thoughts are going through your mind, but ... he did tell you himself - and I bet he was terrified

Your poor DH - but he should also be happy and grateful that he has you by his side ( I presume you are ) and that he no longer has to carry this load on his own.

Thinking as an outsider - there is no "proof" at the moment that a ) there is a child or b) indeed the child is his ???

To avoid any possible backlash I think he is wise to bide his time .... at Least knowing that if someone comes knocking on his door in the future - the bombshell will no blow his family apart.

he is very lucky to have you xxxx

ooops sorry - posts crossed

I have asked him would he contact her, but he thinks it's a sign that she doesn't want to be contacted that she never saw him again or rang him, wrote to him etc. and that she told him he wan't going to be the father and not on the birth certificate.
He accepts that's a chicken way out, but wants to leave it alone in case there is a child involved.
He's not a responsibility shirker by any stretch of the imagination, so I don't think it's a case of him not wanting the responsibility. He's stuck with me through a lot, my depression, my difficult birth with dd and the depression afterwards, losing our 2nd baby, my dad getting cancer etc and is wonderful at his job which is a responsible one, so I truly believe he is doing what he feels is the right thing and wants to continue doing it because he didn't when he first found out.
Can you tell how much I love him? I know he adores me too and we have a great marriage, but I feel angry, angry, angry and can't shake it off!

it's been a shock - you are a human being - you're bound to feel shocked and angry! But it will pass. Don't be too hard on yourself

You are being supportive, loving, understanding, forgiving .... need I go on ....

A little anger is required to redress the balance

He was terrified he'd lose me over this, given my sh*tty family background, and my views on family life and things. He still is terrified I'll wake and will have changed my mind.

Yes, this does change things in our lives, we just have to shoulder this together from now on and take what comes our way. I want him to understand that. What hurts him and worries him, hurts and worries me too, we are a team and that's what a marriage should be, not one person keeping secrets from the other, especially secrets that have repercussions on them both.

Thanks for listening ladies, it means a lot that I can talk things through and get some clarity.

Well f it's any help I think you are being a real star and this can only make your marriage sronger .... after all - there is that old phrase "for better - for worse ...."

im sorry, but when i read the first post i thought it was something completely awful. but as it turns out, it isnt.
basically you both need to feel some callm about this. and none of the calm is going to happen without information. you need to know if there is a child and if the child is likely to be his, so for example if both he and the girl are white, but the child is mixed, then problem solved. its not his. and third, you need to know that the child is not being abused.
you can either contact the girl, which you dont seemt to want to do. to me, looking from the outside, i would suggest you get a private detective to track down the girl and get some information. hopefully that will help resolve the situation.

I don't know how I can get him to find anything out, he doesn't want to know and I can't go behind his back to find out for myself as I don't know enough detail. Still feeling quite lost about it all. I can't even see a detective working, all I have is her first name, where she worked 11 years ago for a summer and the town she lived in 11 years ago. I desperately want him to tell me her surname but he won't because he knows I'll start digging to find out of she has got a child of the right age etc.
I don't know what I can do except live with this, and that seems quite impossible at the moment, I feel like I need (sorry, awful word coming up ...) "closure".

A friend of mine would call this "putting you on a horse and not letting you ride it" - it seems very harsh that he expects you to live with the knowledge that he might have a child out there somewhere, how would he feel if you told him something similar? (Not that you could really be in the reverse situation, but you know what I mean). I think the uncertainty is likely to be more far more destructive than any of the certainties.

It's easier to offer an opinion now you've said what it is - and, tbh, I was imagining some really dreadful things. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. The worst aspect of it is that he hadn't told you - and, as you say, if a letter had dropped on to the doormat from the CSA, that would have been a hell of a way to find out. So yes, he should have told you sooner - I'm not really sure why he didn't.

But there are a lot of positives in this too. You have what sounds like a fantastic marriage and you obviously adore and respect him. And I'm guessing that his reluctance to tell you is because he didn't want that adoration and respect dimmed - which tells me that he adores and respects you too. There may (or may not be) a child. He may (or may not be) that child's father. I can't really see what he could have done differently with regard to being involved in the child's life if the mother didn't want him to be. Plus, he was very young - and who hasn't done something when young that they would have handled differently in hindsight?

You could drive yourself mad with "what ifs". And yes, there will always be the possibility that his son/daughter may turn up at some time in the future. But I wouldn't start digging about (even if you could with such little information to go on). There may never even have been a child. The other man may well be the child's father. The woman may never have mentioned to her new bf that there was any possibility he wasn't the father - and likewise not told the child. I think the "finds out by accident when needing a transplant" scenario is the stuff of Casualty and Holby City. And - bottom line - if she'd wanted financial support - you would have heard about it by now.

I would be inclined to try and push it to the back of my mind. If a child ever turns up then, yes, you will have to deal with it. But I think it's a very big if. You have a great marriage and a lovely dd and your dh is a different man now to the one he was 11 years ago.

My anger would be because of concealing it from me - not because of what he did. And I think for the sake of your marriage you have to come to terms with that anger - and I think you will, in time.

Blimey that was a long post. I need to lie down now. Best of luck, Bibiboo.