DH's

[Bibiboo]

I met dh almost 11 years ago and we got together 9 years ago, and since then I've known about something from his past he would never talk about. He'd get very stressed and upset about it when I asked and told me he was so ashamed he would never tell anyone. I have left it for all these years, trying my hardest not to ask and pry becuase it got him so upset, but now I know what it is and I don't think I can cope.

I am glad I know because it has the potential to change my life but I wish I was still ignorant in my bliss. I don't know if I should say what it is, feel like I would be betraying his trust, I just wanted to write it all down and try and process a bit of it.

It doesn't change the way I love him or how much as it was something from so long ago, before he knew me and ultimately his decisions and reasons for them are none of my business. I am just hurt, angry and shocked that he didn't tell me sooner, like when we got married or had dd, as it could potentially come back into OUR lives and change OUR lives, not just his.

It's a lot to take in and I don't know how to cope with it just yet or how I'll cope with it in the future. He's had a lot longer to deal with it than I have, and has dealt with it, just not sure if I can. It's kind of unfinished, not resolved and there aren't certainties which is something I'm not good at dealing with. I don't do "what-ifs".

Sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out. Thanks

And "closure" . Sometimes you have to accept that you can't get closure. Coming to terms with that is a kind of closure in itself, if that makes sense.

Thanks marthamoo. I am angry with the fact that he kept it from me, not that it happened in the first place. God knows I've done things I'm not proud of too - haven't we all?

I took dd to the seaside today with my grandparents and spent all day thinking about this. Every time I saw a child around the age of 11 my stomach fell away and I felt sick. I accept I've got to come to terms with this maybe never being resolved, I just don't know how to yet.

Travelling home I had it all worked out in my head, I was angry, I had things to say and by damn I was going to say them and he was going to listen! Then I pulled up, dh came out to get dd from the car and all my anger melted away. I love him and feel for him that he's lived in fear of telling me and fear of me finding out for the entire time we've known each other, and I want to make it better for him. Surely I should want to kick his sorry ass for keeping this from me?

I thought this kind of thing only existed in Eastenders and Holby City for goodness sake!

I'm afraid I haven't got anything new to add. Just wanted to second marthamoo's excellent post and to say try not to worry too much about the "what if's".

Well, it's a few days later and my "understanding" subsided and the true shock and my real anger kicked in. We've had screaming, crying, rage, midnight talks, more crying and rage etc etc and lots of sorrys from dh.
I've worked through all the possibilities about the child/lack of child and whether it's dh's or not. I can accept that something might or might not happen there but it won't ruin us whatever the outcome.

I cannot however get over the fact that the whole time I've known him, he's had this knowledge and never shared it with me. He's basically been with me through my entire adult life (I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we got together and 24 when we got married and had dd) and has experienced everything I have, been the cause or part of most of my memories and life up until now and I always thought we had the perfect love-story, stuff-of-movies relationship. Sweethearts straight out of school (well me anyway) and managed to stick together through uni even though we were hundreds of miles apart, without infidelity or break-ups. He knows every little thing about me and I thought I knew every little thing about him, except stuff about exes I didn't want or need to know IYKWIM. And even though I knew he had a secret, in my silyl little head I believed he'd tell me one day and it wouldn't be anywhere near as bad as he thought.

I can't shake these horrible feeling I've got of betrayal. He took me as his wife, for the rest of our lives, knowing he wasn't the man I thought I was marrying. He started a family with me, knowing that this history could not only come back to haunt him, but me and his daughter as well. I feel bl**dy evil towards him some times and want to slap him silly for being so selfish and stupid and thoughtless and making me feel this way. I never thought him capable of making me feel like this. I know he's never cheat on me so I never expected to feel betrayal or to be lied to.

I know I can't change what's happened, but please tell me these feelings will go and we'll have our proper marriage back? We have too much love to lose it over something like this, but I can't see a way past it at the moment. I know I don't want any part of my life to be without him, I coudn't bear it. I want to forgive him so we can just move on, but I don't know if I ever can or how to begin.

Sad Bibi

Oh Bibiboo, it's only natural that your reaction will go up and down and change as you process this new, shocking piece of information. But as you come to terms with it, your feelings will settle back down again - it sounds as if you and your DH do have a strong enough bond to get over it and maybe this will even strengthen the feeling of mutual support for you.

It is a shock to you and I would be shocked to hear the same thing too. But, TBH, I can empathise with your DH too. He was only a teenager when this happened - it can happen all too easily and it's difficult to fully comprehend the consequences of ones actions when one is a teenager.

Maybe he spent a lot of time blanking the implications of this and the birth of your child together has brought them home to him more fully?

I agree with miniminx - you have had a major shock, and it's only natural that your feelings will be all over the place for a while, including feelings of rage, betrayal etc. But it sounds to me as if you have a strong, loving relationship with your dh, and eventually that will see you through. So don't be too hard on yourself, and give it time bibiboo x