Why would a person behave like this? Trivial but infuriating...or am i being a control freak?

[JeremyVile]

I'm finding the constant little niggles in this friendship are getting increasingly hard to deal with. But when I think of it objectively, I think maybe I'm being overly controlling and picky.

Some examples of friends behaviour:

9 times out of 10 he is really vague when making plans - we'll arrange to meet and he'll say i'll be there 'after lunch' which could mean anything, or i'll see you between 5 and 6 and he,ll end up coming at 7 anyway. I've explained SO many times that i'm too busy for vagueness, i dont care what time he comes, just be clear and stick to it.

He keeps shutting my window/s. I usually have a window open somewhere in the house and he keeps sutting it. Despite me telling him every single time not to.

Turns the news channel on. I dont want it on, he knows this but keeps doing it anyway.

Fiddles with his phone while driving. I dont care if he does this when im not in the car but bloody pisses me off when i am.

There's loads more but all similarly petty.

All of these things ahve been going on for years. I started off letting it go as it was such small stuff then, after getting fed up with it, just explaining id rather he didnt do x " dont shut that window please, i like having a bit of fresh air", "dont turn BBC24 on doofus, you know i dont like it" etc... But now i get seriously pissed off and when he turned up yesterday 2 hours after he said he would i told him to leave. In fact i told him to fuck off.

He always says oh yeah, sorry - as if its the first time i've ever said it to him rather than the 100th! And then if I try to tackle him on the fact he repeatedly does things i ask him not to he blocks any conversation by saying something like "alright i know, i know! Look the windows open again/i was just quickly checking something" (news or phone) In this really exasperated tone as if i'm totally over reacting. And of course i AM over reacting really.

I absolutely do not want to end the friendship, apart from this stuff he is fantastic and we've been friends for a long time but im getting to the point where i feel myself just bristle thinking about it all.

Am i being weird here? Have totally lost all perspective on this.

He sounds weird, and controlling. If he is just a friend could he be Autistic/just not understand personal boundaries. I also would refuse to travel in a car if someone "fiddled" with their phone whilst driving, just as I would refuse to go in a car with someone who had been drinking.

The late thing, some people are like that, but if it bugs you, don't wait arond but if he's not there on time be out.

Red flag stuff, sorry. If you are daft enough to marry them continue the relationship they get worse not better, sorry.

Is friend a euphemism for partner?

It sounds like he has set behaviours and is too self-absorbed to change his habits. You can manage you own reaction by doing things like unplugging the TV so he can't turn it on, taking his phone off him in the car to 'look at the model as you want a new one' etc etc. The window thing really is horses for courses - to my mind, as he's a guest I'd suck it up.

Or... you could get a large klaxon horn and let it off every time he does something that you asked him not to 1,000 times. Eventually you will retrain him by sheer Pavlovian response. Not sure what effect it'd have on the friendship but it would be highly effective

He does sound very odd - I don't think it is normal friendship to turn the telly on or fiddle with the windows in a friend's house - even my very best friends who I am as relaxed with as my family, I would ask before doing so. And if I knew it pissed them off, I would just stop completely.

The lateness thing would also get on my nerves, I would normally agree to meet in a pretty vague way, e.g. will meet someone at their house between 12 and 1, but his lateness is very annoying.

I don't know if it is controlling - perhaps he is a bit of a social misfit? My stepson is very like this. He comes to the house and immediately empties out his bag of crap all over the floor, takes his shoes off and leaves them in front the the front door, typical teenage crap (despite the fact he is 25!). he also has no boundaries, goes in the bathroom and pinches a bottle of shampoo if he likes the look of it, opens up my laptop without asking etc. And he also is completely unable to keep to a time - he is never on time. My stepson has always been like this, genuinely looks puzzled if I huff and puff at him, and I have just realised that he doesn't mean to behave like that, and thinks that his behaviour is normal, despite it driving everyone mad (and he has lost friends and girlfriends because of his ways).

Could it be that your friend is like this, not actively nasty but just a bit different? I know how you feel, my stepson's behaviour drives me crackers, and it is a good job I love him dearly!

I have often thought that my stepson is ASD but he has never been evaluated, but he does fit some of the traits from what I have read.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that is your friendship strong enough for you to bite your lip a bit with this. Stepson does drive me mad, but instead of steaming at his ways I just tell him matter of factly to pick his stuff up, put his bag away, pick up the shoes, have you got that bottle of soap please, and can I have it back. Getting in a rage doesn't help - he doesn't get why people get pissed off at him (genuinely) and just looks blankly.

this 'friend' is either more than a friend or he is just way too familiar and comfortable in your home. i have 3 really close friends and none of them would dream of closing a window in my house or turning the news channel on. they just wouldn't do it, but they are all comfortable enough to put the kettle on. you need to re-establish your boundaries.

I agree with GetOrf - inept rather than controlling.

The time thing would drive me wild. I think giving him a set time (rather then him setting it) would be the best way to proceed, and to not be there if he's more than a a certain time late.

Mind you - I think dealing with that in a stepson is completely different to contemplating it with a friend or potential partner.

You're not being the least bit controlling or petty to find his habits irritating - they'd drive me completely up the wall! Personally, I wouldn't put up with the lateness, or with him feeling free to fiddle with things in my house.

Set a time when he's going to be there, then go out or get on with other stuff if he's late. Try to arrange times and places so it doesn't inconvenience you if he's late. I dealt with one friend's persistent lateness by changing from her coming round and us going out together, to her meeting me at the pub/cafe with other people. Then when she wandered in an hour late, it was her who was missing out, not me!

What you can do depends on how much energy you want to put into it - but I firmly believe people can be trained to change their behaviour if you put in the effort. If you turn off the TV every time it goes on, and take his phone off him every time he fiddles with it when driving, then you will gradually have an impact.

But if he's irritating as hell, is his friendship really that important to you? Maybe I'm shallow, but if I find people irritating I generally don't want to spend time with them!

Just to be clear - it's a friendship, not a relationship.

I'm inclined to agree with getorf and kenobi. He is not an abusive or controlling person. He genuinely is baffled by my irritation at his behaviour, he hates confrontation and argumnets so even stranger that he keeps doing this stuff when my reactions are becoming increasingly fish-wifey.

He is an odd one, a few people have described him as eccentric. Has funny little ways, is quite selfish (in small ways, in any situation that reallymatters he is really very generous and selfless) but is very very clever, has a heart of gold and people love him - he's always the most popular person in the room. So i know it might. Sound red flaggy but he's just not like that.

Getorf- youre deescription of dss sounds very familiar!

Perhaps i do need to bite my lip a bit more? If i stop thinking he can changethenperhaps i'll beableto deal with better and feel less wound up by it?

You're not being weird. Quite right to be annoyed.

Don't understand why you wouldn't want to end this sort of friendship. He clearly doesn't respect your boundaries even though you've made it clear. I'd cut my losses if I were you. Life is too short.

See, i dont want to train him. Im not his bloody mother and i resent being pushed in that direction by his behaviour.

In almost any other person this sort of thing would make me get rid of them, but he is very important to me. Brother-ish, i suppose.

It's tricky - I can see that you don't feel its your job to train him out of it. OTOH if his behaviour annoys you, then you have to either find a way to change it, or to change your reactions so it doesn't bother you....

Would it help if you had some sort of label to attach to his behaviour, so you can separate it out from "him"?

I dont know that theres any label i could attach to him tbh. Other than Arsehead

I think its just me, he is who he is andi ahvetodeal with it better. I, unfortunately, have a very low threshold for this sort of stuff...i mean, jesus! How hard is it to not repeatedly do things youve been asked not to?!

Sorry for appalling typing, its not me its thisbloody contraption.

If you don't want to change him, then the only thing you can manage is your own reaction.

But I do think that you can do a few simple things to remove certain aspects of irritation as I said before.

He does sound very similar to my stepson Jeremy! My stepson has so many lovely qualities, he is very kind and thoughtful in so many ways, it makes up for the frankly bizarre selfish traits. They make no sense. He is generous to a fault - he would spend his last penny buying something lovely for Christmas, and will spend hours looking for the perfect gift, however if you ask if you can have one of his chewing gums he looks furious.

But he is my stepson, so have a motherly love/exasperation relationship with him. I do feel sorry for him as he has lost lots of relationships over the years because to some people he can just appear batty. Tbh I don't think I would have the patience for a friend like this. However, if you are very close to him, and he is almost like a brother, perhaps he is worth it.

Perhaps just doing what I do with stepson which is quietly say 'pick the shoes up and put them there' would work, so you just walk into a room and say, calmly (whilst inside screaming banshee style) 'close the window and turn the telly off'

It may well result in the next time you leave the room to make a coffee, you come back to the window open again and the telly on (this has happened to me so many times, he puts his crap in the bag and as soon as my back is turned he gets it all out again). As much as I sometimes feel like braining him I just tell him quietly to put it all away again. Shouting just doesn't work anyway, he looks baffled.

It is annoying, don't get me wrong, but I don't think he does it on purpose, if I thougt he was doing it to drive me nuts I would be a lot less amenable.

Does he irritate his other friends too?

I don't know what to do with the lateness thing. Stepson is a law unto himself, I never wait around for him anymore, a lot of the time I come home and he is sat waiting patiently in the shed

I mustbeaglutton for punishment, getorf, cos themore you describe your stepson, the more adorable i think je sounds!

Flimflam- um yes, ithink he does. But probably not to the same extent as a) they're blokes and just call him a cock and move on and B) hespends comparitevely more timewith me.

Ohgod, mytyping really isawful! Need my laptop back but itsdying. Or possibly dead.

Re the lateness, it got to thepoint a couple of months ago i told him on days we were meeting/ he was coming round that he was to text in the morning with a time. A specific time and that i would see him then and not before or after. Hestuck to it forall of about two occasions then stopped. He'll do itagainifi tellhimto but havingto remind him negates the point of doing it to avoid me havingto chase himup.

I really dont know, hejustwontstop being this way. Ithink i needto call theshots everytime and bereally clear that we meetasarranged or notat all. Hate having to belike thisthough.

He is adorable! Me and dd both love him to bits, dd is very good actually because if she left her crap all over the place, used my stuff without asking I would get very stroppy. She understands that we need to make some allowances for him.

I worry for him actually, I would really like to see him settled with a girlfriend, but he pisses them all off, and he gets into rows with mates because they get exasperated with him. I think he is a bit isolated.

I just thought he was a bit dippy, actually coming on Mn and reading about functioning autism made me read some stuff and I think that is what it is. I have never said as much (have spoken to DP about it but not stepson) and he has not been diagnosed, I don't know if it would help much tbh.

He currently works for my DP, which is great as working with his dad means he gets away with stuff. he has never been able to hold down a job outside the family, on one memorable occasion he went out for a lunch hour at work, found a seagull with a broken wing and took it upon himself to look after it, went to the vets etc. He just didn't think to ring work and tell them - he just sauntered in the next morning thinking it would be OK. His whole school and work life is full of these kind of incidents.

Getorf- you sound like a lovely stepmum. Lovely family actually. If its nay consolation my friend is much better at reigning himself in than he used to be, when he was your dss's age he wound people up a lot more but now, in his late thirties, heis much better atknowing how to behave appropriately, give and take etc.

Finding his place career-wise has really helped as he channels a lot of his enthusiasm into being excellent at what he does and as a result is very respected.

I have often thought of him when i read about autism. Definitely fits so many traits but like you, idont see that the label would necessarily help in any way. He is who he is and i imagine lots of people who managejust fine could be 'on thespectrum'.

I'm sure dss will find a woman who will appreciate him, i think its just that for people like this there is a smaller pool of potential mates. Its harder but not impossible.

Thanks jeremy - that's lovely of you to say that.

I hope that stepson figures out what he wants to do - at the moment working for his dad is not ideal but it gives him time to figure out what he really wants.

He is so bright, and has loads of things he is obsessedly interested in, it just doesn't seem to apply career wise.

Your friend does sound like an older version of him - I do completely sympathise with the 'oh for fuck SAKE' internal monologue which sometimes happens. He is lucky that he has you and that you love him despite his exasperating ways

I'd be getting into Petty Wars with him

Vague when making plans - it would be be there at Xoclock, cos if you're not, I'll be leaving at quarter past! And leave.

shutting the windows - get right up and open them again. Every time.

News channel on - off again. And unplug the telly. and shove the remote in my bag!

Take the phone off him.

I had a war with my husband along these lines he'd close the window, I'd open it again. Close, open, close open.

Same with the heating. He'd turn it on, I'd turn it off.

He got fed up before I did